The mindset you need to quit. Forever

[yadadada]

Hi all. Hope you’re ready for some contemplating. I’ll try to keep things summarized but I do tend to blather on Grab a coffee, keep a cool head (some things I say might trigger you) and let’s have a nice discussion for the benefit of everyone.

A little bit about me:
My last day of PMO was on the 13th of February 2024. I remember this because it was the day before Valentine’s day and in all my self-pitying loathsome self, I had to “drown in my loneliness”. After that, I decided to stop, re-download Rewire, and here I am now.

I’ve had my share of binge/relapse cycles. For some reason, the decision to stop this time was easy. I’ve only had very mild “urges” (wouldn’t even describe them as urges) and I’ve literally lost the interest in masturbating. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I look back at my habit and I’m astounded by how I was continuing to do that to myself. I still see, on this forum, that people are still struggling with the same issues, displaying 100% willpower, fighting against all odds, yet they still relapse. This makes me especially sad because it seems OBVIOUS to me what they have to do.

I’ve been reflecting over the last month, trying to pick out what exactly compelled me to change for the better so drastically. Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that it has been a change in mindset. No tricks, no hardcore challenges, monk-mode yada yada, just a change in mindset. You need to develop the mindset to think “I actually don’t want to PMO ever again”. Wow, surely if it was THAT easy we would all have quit by now, you say sarcastically. I stand firm that the steps IN THEORY are simple. You develop the mindset, and then you make the choice. But WHAT exactly is the mindset, and HOW exactly do you achieve the mindset, is slightly trickier.

In this post I want to break down how I think I developed the mindset. It will take some similar lessons from the EasyPeasy model (Link here to @Binocular 's post Easypeasy) I read this shortly after stopping and can firmly say it has been the most useful material for me in this journey. I want to invite you to think, contemplate what is going through your head, and discuss, even if you don’t agree. I’m hoping this will reach the far untouched corners of your mind and make something ‘click’ as it did for me.

Fortunately my work is not as busy currently and I will try my best to reply as much as possible.

Long ■■■ post incoming…

[yadadada]

I didn’t know A.S.S was censored

Right. Where do we start? Let’s try describing how I see this addiction.

Imagine your head as a theme/water park. There are slides, restaurants, roller coasters, theatres, attractions, castles, haunted houses etc. all the many different things you can do. These represent the different aspects of your life that you dedicated your time and energy to. Your hobbies, sports, studies, family, friends, relationships. Before ■■■■ came in, the park was running as per normal, with visitors trying all the different rides, enjoying themselves, coming back once in awhile. Life was good.

One day, you hear news of a new and improved water slide. “I heard it’s the most FUN thing in the world!” People are talking about it. (This water slide is ■■■■. Yes I adapted it from Easypeasy). It’s a little out of the way from the park, but GOSH it is a tall, amazing slide! Not to mention it is an almost 90degree drop. That’s gotta be FUN, right? You rush to try the slide, ignoring the “work in progress” sign at the side (Most of us were adolescent when we first watched ■■■■ and our frontal cortex had yet to fully develop). Climbing up the huge ladder, you are filled with anticipation. You look down at the HUGE slide, and away you go! WHOOSH! You whizz down the slide, splashing in the water. THAT WAS AMAZING. That’s probably how you first felt when you got your big O. You race up the ladder and go for it another time. WOW! So fun.

Now, at some point of time, more and more people start to here about this huge water slide. If it’s so fun, why not right? Why would I want to ride this slow, kiddy ride when I can ride down the BIG WATER SLIDE? People start to move away from the other attractions to the slide (This is you spending more time on PMO). Soon, there are people riding down the slide all the time.

The thing is, when too many people ride one slide, the other attractions get neglected. Your restaurant closes down because it has no customers. The haunted house shuts down because people “want a bigger thrill” (These are your other interests in life fading away).

Everybody only wants BIG WATER SLIDE. And it knows it. You didn’t know this about the slide, but it grows TALLER. After all, just being BIG was what made it so attractive. It grows taller and taller every time more people go to it (This is you needing a bigger dopamine “hit” with prolonged usage". After a long period of “feeding” the slide, the height becomes a little… dangerous. Soon, the top of the slide is in the clouds. You’re going down the slide so fast, you’re hitting the water at terminal velocity. You’re skinning yourself against the slide, breaking your bones when you land, and concussing yourself. (This is the post-nut regret, the emotional and physical damage you inflict on yourself after you PMO). Sometimes, you get up from the water and you think “What the hell, why did I do that? That was stupid” Then you look up at the slide and go “WOW, that looks like a fun slide!” (Relapse and binge). Back up the ladder you go. You even take extra time on the ladder just to “remind yourself” of the thrill of being so high up in the air (Yep, this is when you edge)

Your park now has one crazy dangerous slide, and a whole bunch of other unused/neglected attractions. Does this sound like a good park to visit? It looks terrible, and gets poor reviews. Each year, less and less visitors come. (This is you losing your physical and mental health, and every other negative thing you can get from PMO).

Why am I describing it this way? Because step 1) to developing the mindset is to understand how you even came to this step in the first place. Maybe you just relapsed today, and you hate yourself. You wonder how you even got here. Well, this is you after your crash landing from the nonsense slide. RECOGNISE THIS FEELING. You just broke some bones, for fuck’s sake. How is this any good for you? It’s painful, it’s dumb, was it worth the temporary feeling of being ‘In the clouds?’ This is you taking the time to truly THINK about what PMO does for you.

That’s the next step. You accept the FACT that the slide is nothing but BAD. It’s only leads to hurt, it only leads to pain and suffering. You look at the rest of your park occasionally and reminiscence about the time when you had so much fun visiting the other attractions. You want that back. You don’t want this stupid slide which only HURTS you, every time. This is you learning that PMO is simply, NOT what you want for yourself.

The Easypeasy method acknowledges that this can take some time, because we’re still so focused at looking up at the slide, we don’t even see our broken bones. In fact, it encourages not even stopping your PMO habit till you fully understand. One day, the pain will finally make you stop looking up.

Last step: You walk away. Simple as. If this slide only hurts you every time, why would you ride it again? So you walk away, never looking back, and close the door behind you. You start riding other attractions. This is you, making the final choice to stop PMO.

With time, people start to hear that the other attractions are back up. More visitors come in, having fun, trying the rides. The roller coaster is back up and running, and the park is back to it’s former glory. This is you reclaiming your life. And all you had to do was to stop riding the damn water slide.

TL:DR
PMO is a ever growing water slide that tricks you into thinking it was ever a beneficial thing for you. Stop and thinking about what it really has done FOR you, understand that it was NEVER good for you, and make the choice to turn away.

[yadadada]

Something that I’ve observed that most of us users here are obsessed about, are these strategies. We’re constantly thinking about “Oh, what triggers do I need to identify, what app do I have to download, what challenge do I have to do, what lifestyle must I adopt”. As much as I think they are helpful, they shouldn’t be your focus.

All these strategies are like trying to cover up this gigantic slide. You simply can’t do it, partly because you’ve let it grow so huge, and partly because even if you did manage to cover it, the entrance is always open. So you simply just walk it the next time you think “Well, I’m kind of missing that huge slide. In fact I kinda forgot how painful the landing was”. Basically, every single time you relapse or PMO, it always ends up in the same way: you making a decision to do it.

“But what about the URGES”, you cry. “They are so tough to fight, I try my best but I give in when I’m weak”. That’s not true. All these talk of “urges” are just you LOOKING at the slide, spending your day thinking about it, talking about it, idolizing it, reminiscing in it, thinking that it’s the best thing you have in your park. YOU gave it all your time, now it’s the only think on your mind. All there is, is a water slide, and you walk in and choose to ride it. And then after you fall and break your bones, you convince yourself “Well that tower was so tempting, I couldn’t help myself, I just HAD to ride it”. It’s ridiculous. Stop lying to yourself.

Another thing that most of us are obsessed about are our streak counts. Once again, while helpful, this is basically counting the days since your last water slide. While it’s good that you didn’t ride it, the door is still open. All it takes is one “Well just one ride couldn’t hurt, right?” or a "“Maybe I’ll just climb the ladder and not ride the slide down?” and you’re back to square one.

Remember, all it takes is to just say “I’ve had enough of this bone-breaking slide”, turn, and walk away forever. It doesn’t matter how much you try to cover the tower, count the days, even go and ride other rides temporarily (this is you showing your “lifestyle”). You have to lock the door. Throw away the key. Don’t even look back. You’re smiling because it is like a weight off your chest. No more broken bones. You never even gained anything by doing PMO.

[yadadada]

There is an idea that this addiction (yes, I do classify it as an addiction) is something to be fought, that you need to be David to fight against the mighty Goliath, that this will be the hardest habit ever to break. Once again this is wrong.

While humbling yourself is important, and definitely better than the alternative of overconfidence, the simple logic is that it all boils down to a choice. You’ve just been choosing wrong this whole time, and it’s developed into something pathological (hence the term addiction). There isn’t anything to fight. You don’t have to attain some arbitrary herculean willpower to obtain the necessary ‘pre-requisites’ in order to finally say, “oh, I’m so strong now, I can finally stop taking the slide”. You’re just setting a cage for yourself, an unnecessary limit you have to reach first. All you have to do is just WALK AWAY and not take the slide.

Here’s a post where @Luffychwan explains his similar thoughts, although in a much harsher manner than I do Luffy lays it down

Yes, you can literally CHOOSE to stop right now. You don’t have to reach a 100+ streak, or wake up at 6am every day for a marathon. Just stop now. The rest will come later.

[ToThy]

Bravo what a wonderful post. You’ve covered all I wanna talk about in a coming post Yes mindset is the key, we have a choice, we are free to choose. When we realize how disgusting this addiction is, how devastating this addiction is to our life just like gambling and taking drugs, how many benefits we can gain back — our active life, our social life, our career success, our true love… we decide to quit it happily, never looking back I just have this mindset for several days and I can feel that it’s powerful; I am powerful.

[yadadada]

@ToThy

how devastating this addiction is to our life just like gambling and taking drugs, how many benefits we can gain back — our active life, our social life, our career success, our true love…

Well said. And once again I think this is where it all starts. I stopped and thought about what PMO has actually done for me over the years of abuse - failed relationships, lowered my physical and mental health, poor social life, 0 development and growth in the many aspects of life. It was obvious to see that it didn’t actually do anything beneficial for me.

The choice to turn away doesn’t rely on willpower, it relies on LOGIC. PMO is only bad. Why would you ever want to continue?

Thanks for reading and replying @ToThy I spent 2 hours writing this up

[ToThy]

Lemme reply and push this post on top so more people can see it Everyone here should read this post; they deserve to read this — no more struggle, guilt or shame, but free will, true happiness and real freedom

[yadadada]

Thanks mate.

To be honest I don’t really care if this post blows up or stays hidden, it serves both as a method for me to verbalise my own thinking as well as a way for people to discuss what they think. I’ll be happy if even just one person thinks this is beneficial.

I’m currently reading the Freedom model for Addiction, as mentioned previously by @lets_begin in his post Freedom model link, there are some concepts there that I’ll like to talk about. Direct link to the ebook pdf here: Freedom model ebook

[yadadada]

The Freedom model

I’ve only read till page 7, but there’s already so much to think about. The main idea of the Freedom model is to do away with the idea of an “Addiction and Recovery” process, and discover that every individual is already empowered with the ability to change their habits. Let’s have a dive at how they address the terms that we users love to throw around.

“Addiction” and “Recovery”
These two concepts are quite tightly intertwined. The idea of addiction is that, you as a user has reached a certain threshold of usage. Suddenly, you are no longer to help yourself. You’re compelled to abuse. Your urges are uncontrollable. You have no choice and you lost your free will.

Or have you?

Free will is absolute. You either have it or you don’t.

If you were truly unable to control yourself, you would be PMOing 24/7. In that case, I would recommend to gouge your eyes out and chop your hands off, because there’s no saving you. But you are able to control yourself. You have free will. If you’ve stopped for a day, you already have shown yourself that you can stop. There is no point in your habit where you are unsalvagable. Take heart in this fact.

To be honest, I stil use the term “addiction” because I personally feel that everyone has a point in which they deem their habit to be pathological, to be hurtful and self-destructive. I have detached the notion that addiction = powerlessness, rather just use it as a way to show if a certain threshold has been reached. You can decide what level of usage is deemed to be your “addiction”.

Now about recovery. It feeds off the idea that you are “addicted”, since you are a poor soul that is helpless, you now need external help just to get by. You need all these strategies, these lifestyle changes, these apps etc. Above all, it perpuates this thinking that you need to have WILLPOWER to get over this dark, stormy recovery period. In this manner, it is like keeping yourself in an imaginary cage, forcing yourself to think that you are unable to do anything better.

The idea of “recovery” only serves to increase the ideological gap between your PMO habit. The more you think that you are forced not to do the things that you want, the more you want it. And then you start to fear the whole idea of recovery itself, because it once again puts you in a state of constant wanting but not getting. It doesn’t matter how hard you throw yourself in the cage, strengthen the bars, scream and shout. If you still want it, you’ll find a way to get back to your PMO habit. The first step is to not want it.

The Freedom Model accepts that this sounds contradicatory and confusing to many people. The brain disease model has educated us that our brains have “changed beyond recognition” and that damage has already been done. To be honest, I’m kind of in between here. I think there are truths and things to learn on both sides. You decide what helps you.

The last thing to note is that FEELING addicted and BEING addicted is not the same. We all feel addicted. We feel low, helpless, tired, guilty, frustrated, confused, shocked and we feel as though we have no power. It feels like we are compelled. I’ve been through stages where I was genuinely considering ending my life. But despite what we feel, we are not powerless. None of us are actually “addicted beyond repair”. It is not an involuntary choice. You have free will. Take heart in this fact.

[kazim.09]

Great post

I have read that water slide example in some PMO quitting book as well, can’t remember the name

[Nerbo]

It was in Easypeasy, my dear.

[yadadada]

Yeah I adapted in from EasyPeasy😅 - it got me thinking, why do I keep going down this slide? And then I came up with the theme park model which helped to explain the rest of our life. Once again would HIGHLY recommend reading it, it has the potential to change your way of thinking forever.

[lets_begin]

Great post! I like that you re-posted Luffy earlier too.

[yadadada]

The next thing I wanted to talk about is the way we define ‘urges’

What are urges? I believe that most of us here define our urges as these unshakeable desire, these longings and uncontrollable craving for PMO. Often when we see/hear/do something, or even get into an environment (for me it was when I lay in bed with my phone), suddenly these urges come up. They can be physical feelings, like having a gnawing down in your stomach, or feeling tense, or your heart beating fast, or they could take up so much space in your mind that all you can think about is the urge. The idea is that we were just minding our own business, and then because of these external triggers, the urge almost ‘comes upon us’, like an external force. And in other to get over this extreme urge, we need to build the strength, willpower and sheer mental solitude to fight the urge.

Are urges really something that come onto us? Or something that we are actively doing to ourselves? What happens when we see a advertisement for a burger? We get a trigger, we feel hunger, and we make a decision to eat Macdonalds. Did the advertisement force us to eat? No! We just like the idea of eating Macdonalds. We probably remembered that it was pretty nice, hence we make that decision to do it. When the idea of PMO pops into our mind, whether there is a trigger or not (we can just get random sexual thoughts), we LIKE the idea of it. That’s why we entertain it, we let it play in our minds and take up all it’s space. We’re so used to doing this, imagining our dirty thoughts and stories and yada yada, that we actually LIKE the idea of being in mode of craving.

Yup, you heard that right. You like having urges. Mainly because it stems from the fact that you still like the idea of PMO. The only reason why it feels like urges are uncomfortable is because you are in this weird limbo of your rational mind partly knowing that PMO has caused you harm, but you still kind of want to do it. That’s why having urges, and fighting them, feels so difficult. Because you’re forcing yourself not to do something that you actually want to do.

So let’s redefine the idea of urges. You can keep the word, but don’t think that urges are something that your triggers (youtube, instagram, the random girl walking by, the music playing in the shopping mall,) are DOING to you. They ain’t doing shit to you, they are just minding their own business. You’re the one craving the PMO, you’re the one entertaining it in your mind. Because you still like the idea. Going back to how I describe PMO as the giant water slide - you can pretend to walk away, but if you still keep gazing back, still reminiscence in riding down the slide, and you haven’t locked the door, chances are you’ll find yourself climbing the ladder once again.

Urges aren’t anything more than your own cravings in your mind. Feed it, and it’ll grow bigger than what you can handle. And like a dam with too much water, it’ll blow as some point, no matter how many times you try to raise the walls of the dam.

Start by realising that PMO isn’t even what you want it the first place. The face that if you feel that urges are “so difficult” is a good indicator that somewhere deep in your heart, in your psyche, you actually know that PMO is harmful for you. However, you still haven’t detached from the idea that you still kind of want to do it. THIS IS THE KEY HERE. Why are so many of us stuck at this stage? I know for sure that I was stuck at this miserable stage for many years. It’s basically mental limbo. Well, I’m hoping to elaborate more and hopefully have other’s opinions in the next post.

Without even the desire for PMO, you won’t even crave it, and you won’t feel any urges. There won’t be anything to battle, and you’ll feel so goddamn free to do anything else in your life. I’ve literally lost the interest in watching ■■■■ now. It’s much simpler, and it all boils down to a change in your choice. You simply just don’t choose to do something you don’t want to do anymore.

[yadadada]

I saw that post, extremely based

Probably a lot harsher words than I would’ve used but the principle is the same

[yadadada]

Why do we still want to PMO?

Let’s say you read my above post and you think, “No I don’t want to PMO! That’s the opposite of what I’ve been saying! Here on Rewire we all DON’T want to do it, that’s why we’re trying so hard! What nonsense are you talking about!”

Let me ask you. If you don’t want to PMO, why do you still relapse? Why do you still crave it so much? If you didn’t want to PMO, you would’ve stopped by now, instead of spending years here, and you would’ve quit Rewire. That’s right, the goal should be TO QUIT THIS APP. To not even use it as your “solution to this addiction”. The true solution is your own choice. It doesn’t matter what you say to me, but I beg you to look inwards and start really thinking about what your relationship with PMO really is like.

Let’s say you think, “Ok, I acknowledge that every time I relapse, it shows that I was actually desiring PMO deep down. My urges are me entertaining at the thought of PMO. What do I do about this?”

That’s a good start. And to do that, we need to think about why we started a PMO habit in the first place.

The Freedom Model addresses it with this notion: We all want happiness. ain’t that simple? Whether now, 10 years ago, or 10 years in the future, we all strive towards happiness. When we were first exposed to PMO, that gave us happiness. But not just any type of happiness. The PMO option for happiness triumphed others at that given time. Maybe we were going through a period of stress, like studying for examinations. Maybe it was a form of escape from reality, like during a boring weekend. Or maybe it was an emotional dampener, like when we broke up from a relationship (definitely been there). Well, all these reasons lead to the same result: an attempt at trying to bring your happiness levels higher than your status quo.

If there is a better alternative for the same price (ie our time and energy), who would rationally choose the inferior option? It’s an easy choice for PMO every time as compared to our other aspects in life (hobbies, friends, family etc.) Additionally, we’re not so great at seeing the long term effects, and the costs of these. It’s just because we so happened to value the HAPPINESS value that PMO gave us at that time. It’s why others can make a valuation for something that makes them happy that might not make sense to us (eg. A new handbag might make your girlfriend very happy but not a new PC, another “hit” might make a drug addict happier than he values losing his family).

Essentially, we started to PMO because it was the happiest option in our perceived mind. It was likely to be objectively wrong, but it was subjectively the best choice to us. So don’t worry thinking that you’re some kind of possessed freak with a broken circuits, because everyone in life makes a subjective choice to what they think is best for themselves. You just judged appropriately at the given time. Sure, it was a little short-sighted, but hey, you’re looking at it proper now.

After years of choosing this perceived choice, it basically became second nature, except that the side effects start to come in. As our life gets worse, we start to want a bigger “hit” to raise that happiness levels to back at where we are so used to getting it. And every time we fall back deeper into a lower state. We think that PMO is the solution to our terrible lives, not realising that PMO is the CAUSE of it.

The funny thing is, PMO isn’t even an increase in happiness. It is, at best, a very average temporary dopamine boost. How would you define happiness? Tingling in your hands, feet and a max 10 sec feeling of lightness? Or what about success in your work, having family time, excelling in your sports, having fun with your friends, developing your hobbies. What is happiness? Happiness is what you give meaning to. You’ve just been choosing one mode for your “happiness”.

So that’s the reason why you wanted to PMO. How do you stop wanting to PMO?
Well unfortunately, that’s something that nobody in the world except yourself can figure out. How could an individual ever convince somebody to want to do something? Even if I point a gun at your head and force you to do something, you can decide in your head that you didn’t want to do it. You have to decide that this habit, which you have let gone too far, is something just not beneficial for you. Maybe you look at how it’s affected your physical and mental health (I know that one time I seriously considered stopping was when my foreskin was chaffing and fucking bleeding) (Yeah, even that wasn’t even enough to get me to quit ). Maybe you look at your loved ones and see how your habit has affected them. For fuck’s sake, you LOVE these people. Why are you doing this to them? Maybe you just, for once in your life, decide to do something better for yourself.

You decide why you want to stop this habit. It’ll take some deep thinking, but dig deep and figure it out. And then WANT IT. Want to stop PMO. It’s not good just saying it here on the forum and then still craving for it in your head. It never did you any good anyway. That very temporary dopamine boost, that fades away instantly? Not worth all that pain and suffering. Remember, no amount of views from the clouds is worth the broken bones when you ride the water slide.

If you’re struggling to quit, if you’re relapsing multiple times. Slow it down a little. Realise that deep down you still want to PMO. Figure out why. And then think about why you don’t want to PMO. Once you don’t want to do it, you’ll simply make the choice to not do it. Ever. Lock the door and walk away.

[kosue025]

I Appreciate this perspective, when I read every single of your post give me another mentality also give me Peace. thank you, I highly recomend this post.
I used PMO to scape of my reality amd my loneliness, but now I undestand that instead of putting ut effort on quiting PMO, put effort to improve my reality and enjoy being alone. Now thats my reality I’m in Peace I enjoy life and I dont dealing fighting Urges. I profoundly deny PMO from my conscious and unconscious mind because I take the very deep decision not to do it. and focus on my life style and be patience of this healing process.
thank you so much for your post I always think that I dont have willpower because I relapsed so many times but, now I know that I have, the simple reason was that I was saying that this is an adiction like a scuse to doing it and dont feel so guilty and looking like a kind of indulgence.
now is like avoid a toxic relationship, avoid a girl you dont like it anymore you dont struggle to be with her,. simply you dont love her and is not attractive to you anymore so keep distance from here is easy.
I improve my lifestyle a lot, that in this moment PMO is not attractive for me anymore and dont have thoughs urges because I heal from the roots from the interior, PMO was.my form of procrastinate, escape from reality, feel less loneliness and I Used the concept adiction like a excuse to never stop PMO and relapsing again and again to avoid the ultimate decision of what I wanna be.But now I know the thruth, im honest to my self and now I can say that I quit ■■■■ and that desicion I really mean it and is the first time on 10years that im beeing honest to my self, taking the descision with other perspective and mentality. I recommend everyone to read to work on your mentality, concepts and life style thats more powerful that any technique or blocker site to quit PMO when you do that, you dont have to deal with urges. heres my perspective feel welcome to correct me or give another perspective I Will be very glad. thanks for your post @yadadada open my eyes, thank you so much, you changed my life.

[yadadada]

Thanks for sharing @kosue025. You only have yourself to thank, you made the choice for yourself. That’s a big damn difference and I’m sure you’re already feeling the difference. All the best to you mate

[yadadada]

Self image

The last bit of the Freedom model talks about self-image and how has powerful implications. Once again, the link between the idea of an “addict” in “recovery” is of significance here, because that ultimately determines what you believe the source of help, where you will get the necessary ‘power’ to escape this habit lies.

I’ve already talked about the terms “addiction” and “recovery” in the above post, and we are brought to the idea that rather than being in a position where you are forced to rely on external help, you actually have all the tools you need in your hand. You aren’t in a state of ‘helplessness’ where you have no choice but give in to urges, rather you just have grown so accustomed to PMO usage that it is second nature to choose it. But it still all boils down to you choosing it. But why do so many of us still hold onto the idea that you NEED some form of help?

Because we are so accustomed to PMO usage, letting it take over our lives, making it determine our main source of happiness, it has become basically the only thing we know. It’s like we don’t know what to do without PMO - after all, we think that it’s the only way to get some temporary happiness, to escape from reality. Stopping PMO feels alien to us because reality is so unknown, so we think we need some form of reliable ‘strategy’ - something ‘trialed and tested’, just for us to hold on tight like we are at the end of our rope. The Freedom model describes this quite aptly - like a lion that has been living in a cage its whole life, even when you are let out, your confusion/anxiety/fear of the real world makes you return back to the ‘safety’ of the cage. Even if the cage has been left unlocked, you still rather just stay in something that feels familiar and safe.

If you keep believing that some “recovery technique” or some “big lifestyle change” is going to give you the willpower and psyche to quit this “addiction”, you’ve simply tricking your brain into holding on to a self-imposed cage around yourself, making you feel just a little bit more ‘secure’. This is not ideal, as described before, because deep down you still want to PMO, and imprisoning yourself to stop what you actually want to do is going to make you feel absolutely miserable. The worst thing? It just takes one bad day and you break. It doesn’t even have to be a strong “trigger”. And then you feel even MORE miserable because you thought you did everything that was supposed to make you stop but you did it anyway.

Doesn’t that sound familiar? I know it definitely does for me. I’ve repeated many a relapse cycle, using all these techniques eg. spreadsheets, changing my habits, meditating, having a routine, app blockers, you name it. Even getting into a relationship with good sex didn’t help. And it was fucking miserable, as every time I relapsed, I felt like I was progressing nowhere despite all this ‘effort’. The truth is, I was just going through the motions and just chose to PMO each time, because I still wanted to PMO deep down.

I’m not saying that these additional techniques aren’t helpful. Like I mentioned, the streak count is good as a motivator. Having a routine is good for you to remember what your life could be. But do not think that doing these things to a certain point/threshold will make you one day suddenly grant you the magical “power” to quit this addiction. Every time you relapse you’ll just throw yourself into confusion as you continue to seek what you already have.

Self-image is an absolute beast. If you believe that you are an addict beyond all help, that’s what you will stay. If you believe that you can make the choices for yourself, to choose what is best for you, you will do that. Sure, it may seem a little strange at first, and something that you’re not used to, because PMO always seemed like the only ‘best choice’. But once you open your eyes and realise that you can choose different, that’s you already out of the cage. Don’t go back in it, saying that you MUST do something OR ELSE you will fail. All you have to do is stay out of the cage and you already won. Look around, breathe in the fresh air. Remember what it was like to hang out with your friends, to speak with your family, to engage in your hobbies. Literally anything is a better alternative, because PMO was only bad and nothing good. And given the choice, you will always choose the better alternative. The choice is yours to make.

[yadadada]

Final Words

To summarise all of my posts/replies into steps:

1. Take some time to think about how your PMO habit came to be.
2. Understand that PMO was never good for you and only brought you harm.
3. Realise that you are free to make your choice. You can decide what you want to do.
4. Decide not to PMO ever again.

I think most users here struggle at step 2/3. Once again, that idea of self-image is important. To be honest, it’s easy to accept the idea of being an addict with no willpower. You almost want to think that you were ‘forced’ by your ‘urges’ to PMO, because it gives you an excuse for choosing what you think is shameful. There is no shame because all of us have made that mistake of choosing what we thought gave us the most happiness at that time. We chose poorly and continued to choose poorly. That’s ok. Now that we know, we can choose differently.

That’s the beauty of it all. All this time, you had the free will to choose differently. And gosh, when you realise that you could have just chosen not to do something do that is stupidly bad to yourself, that opens so many doors for you. You can choose to want to do something, purely just because you want to do it. Just imagine what you could do if you just wanted to do it! You’re feeling excited now. All the possibilities.

I think too many of us focus on going through the motions of what we think SHOULD be helping our addiction but not really sitting down to think about what is going on in our head. If you don’t agree with anything I’ve said, that’s ok, but once again I beg you to just take some time and think about what your relationship with PMO is really like. It’s very likely that you’re relapsing because deep down you still want to PMO. Maybe read Easypeasy or the Freedom Model if you don’t believe a random stranger on the Internet.

This post was meant for me to verbalise what was going through my head, and also to express what I think went well for me in my journey this time. I tried to take the stance of someone who has found a breakthrough method for myself and was so excited to share it with others. I think I’ve done a decent job and it also feels amazing because I wanted to do it It’s also helped me to figure out that my time on this forum is coming to an end. The forum was extremely helpful for me because of the amazing reading material, and now it’s done its job at consolidating my thoughts. Well now it’s run of its use for me. I’ve stopped looking at the streak count, I don’t need to read other’s journals or participate in any challenges. I’m not trying to brag or show-off, It’s just that I know that I don’t need anything else but my own choice to quit this addiction. I will continue to rely on my free will to say, “Yeah, I don’t really want to PMO because I just don’t want to”. So I’ll leave the forum after maybe a week if any replies come. I invite you to do the same.

You walk away from the water slide, and lock the door behind you. You take a deep breath, and a weight is lifted off your shoulders. There was nothing even to gain there. You throw the key behind your back. You’re smiling. There is so much to look forward to and you feel so free to choose. You choose life.

I hope you choose life, everyone