What I have learnt from 7 years of relationship - and breaking up
Being in a relationship is comfort, intimacy, excitement, highs, lows and lots of other experiences. At some point though, I had to realize, or “convince” myself, that ending the relationship with her was probably the better thing to do. It took me days to make a decision from a place of love, instead of a place of fear or anger. I received much needed support at that time from others and I’m thankful for that.
Regret, loneliness and fear came after the breakup. It was, and still is, a new situation for me and new things and more challenges are yet to come. I have learnt some important lessons during this time and those lessons allow me to move forward:
Prioritizing sexual pleasure in the back of your head, specially if you are single and a NoFapper, is a mistake. This wasn’t obvious to me at first. Throughout the last 7 years, I had sex regularly. When I started NoFap during the relationship, I went for the “classic” mode. I do not regret that decision. It’s just that post breakup, when I saw her or received a call/text, I began lusting over her again, in a different way though. That lust didn’t come from genuine love but horniness and a compromised mind instead. It boils down to focusing on yourself, your own growth and what you can control. You can’t control others to want to have sex with you, when you feel like you “need” it.
As a man, connecting genuienly with women is far more rewarding. Post breakup, I found myself in situations where, deep in the back of my head, I wished to date a woman or meet “the one” in some kind of social setting. In those situations, I was already there sorting out, comparing and objectifing the women in front of me to some degree. I do not know if the years of PMO made me think this way or this way of thinking got me into PMO in the first place. What I do know is, that being in social settings and connecting with all kinds of people in a genuine manner is far more calming and rewarding. It’s not even about the objectification that is bad, because it is, but it’s about your own mind that is going to be at ease if you take encounters with people as they are, appreciate the moment and just enjoy connecting with others. Leave that “chaser” mindset behind.
No relationship can fix you, because only you can fix yourself. Before I got into that 7 years long relationship, I was already hooked on PMO, without being aware of it. At that time, I had the illusion that getting a girlfriend would sexually satisfy me so I would stop watching porn or masturbating. During the relationship, I still watched porn regularly and it was only my discovery of NoFap that made me realize what a problem this is. However, dragging on the issues and not properly working on myself, I kept relapsing and at some point I escalated to even worse things. Long story short, no relationship could possibly “fix” me and make PMO obsolete, I have to do that myself.
I have the impression that some of you guys might appreciate these lessons and hopefully they allow you to move forward faster on your own journey.