Babadu's struggle [30 M]

Diary
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Hello world!

I decided to reach out here because I’m just feeling the itch and I’m really finding it difficult not to scratch! I just reached Day 9 (my best record in 2 months!) and I’m feeling the urge!
For the last 3 days, I’ve been having some sexy dreams and some sexual thoughts, but only today do I really feel the urge.
Aybe thats because I woke up really tired and dizzy. I went to the gym at 6.30 but had to stop because I got really nauseous, and that held up until just some time ago.

I’m currently having a nagging thought that is telling me “just look at some porn but don’t do anything!” but I’m aware what a slippery slope this is, so I’m struggling against this thought.
So that’s it, I just wanted to vent my thoughts!

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Wishing you well Bro!

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Good morning.
Yesterday I was able not to give in by keeping busy. Had lunch with a friend and was busy into the evening.
Kept reading a book until 23.30 (I’ve been sleeping way too early which messed up my sleep), woke up aroubd 5.00 (still too early!!) and rose at 6.20 and went to the gym.
I’m still feeling the desire to look at porn.
What an evil sneaky little siren, this desire!
While I’m spending too much time on my phone (this forum, even 9gag today, which is a worthless timewaster), I’m keeping away from the computer.
That’s it for now!

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…and I relapsed. :frowning:
At least I didn’t binge and only did it once.
It’s my usual pattern: urge growing over several days, waking up in the morning, switching on laptop and internet, browsing without touching, growing desire over hours, until completing MO.

Anyway, here’s to staying one week fap-free!

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Sorry to hear that, I know that pattern of events all too well. Glad it wasn’t a binge and you’re staying positive!

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Some tips about relaps, which helep me.
I also have this problem, wake up, take my smartphone visit 9gag, see half naked girl, get horny and you know story.
So i figured out, its because iam used to fap i bed. Same pattern, wake up, lay in bed, use smartphone and bing. It was done more than 100 times, my brain made strong neuro connection by that pattern. So i broke one element of this chain. I use smartphone, laptop in places where i havent faped. It helped for me.
Good luck, knight.

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Not to be negative, but I think you should stay away from that “At least I” mentality. I say this only because I have suffered greatly from that same thought process. I’d think to myself “At least I didn’t actually touch myself. I just watched.” or “At least it was only one video.” or “At least I turned it off midway through”. We should be proud of our accomplishments, and we should never hate ourselves for falling short, but I think that the fewer excuses we have for ourselves, the better our progress is. I’m proud when I make progress, but I’m always thinking that I need to do even better.

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@derekplaysjazz, thanks for your insight.
I generally suffer the opposite from that “at least” mentality in that I have always been very self-critical and generally only saw the negative in me.
So for me, once I’d start giving into the urge, I’d feel more like “there you go again you loser, you can’t control yourself and there is no hope, might as well go all the way.”
I’m actually actively trying to see the positive in my actions and always see the good, which is doing wonders about my long-term depression and overcoming failures in general.

I have to admit though, after yesterday’s entry, I relapsed 3 times in total yesterday, the 3rd (at 23.00) being due to sheer stupidity of not sticking to my self-imposed rule of an electronics-free bedroom and having my laptop in the bedroom with internet, even after having just relapsed earlier.
Nonetheless, today is a new day, I will not let yesterday’s failure determine today’s outcome, and I feel good and back on track, ready to do another streak.

Carpe Diem! :smile:

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Hello fellow fighters,
I haven’t written a couple of days because since then, I have salt succumbed to the siren call of the Little Devil.
The problem was that for my job I stayed at the site and therefore was outside of my well-established routine from the week before.
I didn’t take my laptop with me, but I binged on the bed. :(:disappointed_relieved:
What’s good is that I’m accepting this relapse and I don’t fall into a depression, feeling like a piece of shit failure, but just have a feeling of annoyance, give it a shrug, and go, “oh well, no need to beat myself up. Learn from it and overcome.”
I’m still not too happy about my general productivity and effectiveness, so I’m currently focused on creating a routine and fine-tuning it and adhering to it as much as possible.
That’s it for now.
Carpe Diem!

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Hello fellow fighters,
After reaching two days, I binge-relapsed yesterday and today.
Today I didn’t even go out of the room, just kept PMOing. Just went out because a friend is getting married.
I actually relapsed yesterday after going out and returning really late around 2AM and then fapped in my room on the laptop, and continued today.
I’m feeling quite bad about it, because I’ve ruined this entire week after having a really good streak and a very productive period.

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We’re with you in the fight @babadu!!!
And can relate to you and what you might be feeling! Please never despair x

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When you encounter an urge what is your reaction to it?
Do act on it, resist it or try indulging in other activities?

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Yeah sometimes when an urge comes up we never deal with it, sometimes we continue doing it even if we know it is wrong. Thanks for pointing that out @UAnf

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The point isn’t so much to fight the urge so much as it is to ignore it, to realize its there but never really acknowledging its presence. The point of Nofap isn’t (entirely) to channel your energy into activities(reading, biking, watever), to keep busy as we’re so often told. It’s to keep busy, to channel all you got into a singular obsession, an obsession so compelling that short of achieving it is on par with death itself. Keyword: compelling. Most of ya’ll are operating on so many diffused fronts, you’re like a chicken with its head cut off. Its about laser-focused productivity on a singular(sometimes more) obsession. Being so entrenched in your pursuit of said obsession that you aint even got time to think about anything else. That’s just one perspective.

The hard truth is, for any number of those supposed reasons for jerking it off to pixels on a screen, they’re all(every single one of them) excuses. People love motivational quotes and its gets them pumped for a little while then the night rolls in and back to square one. Other’s can push and prod you, offer up consolations but when it comes to it, after the 20th relapse, gotta ask yourself: Do you really wanna quit or do you like the IDEA of quitting. It’s really simple. It’s getting really hard to empathize tbh.

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Your right by the way. If we don’t have a strong goal we will mostly fall back to the old cycle.Thing is it gets easy to forget especially for me, when I’m on an urge I lose all my rational thinking. That is why this time I will be in control not my urges, but yes I acknowledge your point

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@jesture55 Just to contextualize what you just said in scientific terms, the part of the brain that controls higher, long term, rationale thinking is severely damaged. All this time, you and all of us, have been prioritizing our lizard brain, the part that governs passing on of genetics(in our case: our brains cant differentiate between having sex and masturbating. Ejaculation is just Ejaculation), storage of fats(hence the pervading success of fast food restaurants and the global spike in obesity) over the pre frontal cortex(long term, rational, higher order thinking). In the context of a strong pre frontal cortex: “wow that muffin sure looks good but if I eat it, I’ma crash real hard and it’ll put on needless pounds”. There’s a whole slew of scientifically backed research on the necessities of keeping your gut biome healthy. Spoilers: it affects mental health. Another shocker: eat healthy shyt.

In saying that, everytime you submit to those urges, you’re effectively reinforcing “hypofrontality” aka weakened frontal lobe. Translation: “Fuck rational, long term thinking. This dopamine release feels way to good to give up. I’ll deal with brain fog, living day to day in a cloudy state, depression LATER. CUZ YOLO”. The neural pathways in your brain are literally nuked to shit. Case in point: the name of this app. Rewire(as in the neural firing in your brain) Companion.

Lemme preface this by saying your brain is a muscle. Think bout working out at the gym. Work out biceps, get bigger biceps. Same applies here. With every impending urge that you overcome, the more you strengthen your prefrontal muscle cortex.

Any industry that caters to fueling our lizard brain(storage of fat for survival, or passing on our genes), profits immensely. Why do you think Mcdonalds and the porn industry are billion dollar companies.

It can either be a virtuous cycle or a vicious one. Balls in your court.

PS: Bro to bro, heart to heart, I ain’t here to hold your hand. We got enough rosey-colored, “its. okay if you relapse” comments flying around here. I’m here to drop some straight edged hard. cold facts. Some of it won’t be pretty. Its tough love.

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@luffychwan, I like your analysis. Pretty spot on.
Currently, I’m finding it so difficult to rewire, the last couple of days have been one big binge and I’m feeling pretty worn out.
It’s crazy just how linked good habits are with refraining from PMO, and how once you let go, the entire house comes crashing down.

Currently, I’d love to have an accountability partner who regularly checks up on me and kicks my butt when I need it like right now, when I’m in a binge-hole.
I know that the present moment does not need to be predetermined by my past actions and I just need to stop RIGHT NOW and refrain (One Day or Day One).
I hope I get my shit together RIGHT NOW.
Enough of indulging the Little Devil’s whispers.
Time to get my shit together.
Carpe diem :blush:

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@babadu Majority of the people struggling with PMO are glorifying the “process”. Problem is, it ain’t process. Process is just another way of saying you’re on the fence about it and u ain’t willing to commit. That you like the idea of quitting more than quitting itself. That you like dragging it out, wrestling with its up and downs. Procrastination as its finest. Truth is, it’s a one-time rip off the bandaid type of deal.

These supposed accountability partners all treat their partner’s habital relapse as they always do: rainbows and butterflies with a side of cotton candy, the oft-labeled “it’s okay bud. There’s always a next time”. You know what, it’s not okay. Realize that you pulled the trigger and it is your fault. Lets not dress this up in mellow tones and please drop the goddam coddling. Don’t get me started on the classic “Hey guys. I just completed day one. That was hard”. Wow really dude? You want a cookie? Perhaps I could indulge you with an all expense covered trip around the world. Like geez. That’s exactly the type of coddling bullshit that most people fail. That no matter if they reach day 90 or relapsed after 2 days, they get the pat in the back, handing out trophies left and right for everything under the sun.

It’s like 90 percent of the people who are unhappy with their lives and are stuck in a rut. They watch these motivational videos day in and day out. But there’s this one constant: that their lives are exactly the same, the classic inaction. The expression “actions speak louder than words” has never rung more true.

Aoshigreen has this diary running. With every relapse, without fail, there’s always these pat-in-the-back comments that takes all shapes and size but it mostly boils down to one key message: “its okay. don’t beat yourself up”. I’m here to tell you that you definitely should beat yourself up. Relapse once, it’s all good. Relapse 10 times and the routine journal entry of “damn I knew I shouldn’t have edged. Why did I do it”. Really? When it’s all said and done, the only person you’re accountable to is yourself.

This shouldn’t be a “struggle”. Its easy as fuck. This “struggle” is(drum roll) an excuse. The boy who cried wolf. How many times before I start to wonder if you wanna quit. Or you’ re lying to yourself. I repeat: I find this incredibly easy. You should too. So no, this shouldn’t be a struggle.

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I had to come back and re-read this without the emotional bias “but my life is such & such, this problem & that issue, I need to do this & that, blah blah blah” None of that has helped, scapegoating my problems onto fupping.
Don’t look at prawn, and start to deal with what life throws at you
I’m not as eloquent with words as you @Luffychwan so thank you for that dose of truth.
I hope others find it.

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@Luffychwan
This is the most accurate thing that I have ever read.

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