Sun 24th/Mon 25th Dec
Warning : some of my posts may be triggering as I work through my thoughts.
It’s never my intention to guide or criticise others but solely what rings true for me.
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Mon 25th Dec - Christmas
For the sake of anyone reading, wondering ~
“Remove sex (and lust) from your life”
Isn’t the same as a vow of celibacy - but by removing it you have freedom from it.
Sexual intimacy in its right order, comes of its own accord.
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Tues 26th Dec
Day 3 
Sex has clouded my judgement, my heart waiting to be heard.
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Wed 27th Dec
First day can seem like the hardest with no escape, but… Who am I (at the moment) to trust?
The sun rises without my command,… I just wait and it’s there.
Thank you bro. Even though you decided to remove the post, Thank you. I think it’s the perfect question to ask myself
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I’ve completely slipped off the path, as of late 
where do I even begin?… .; I’ve been constantly searching out pleasure to numb myself, and run away from any suffering or attentiveness - I just feel like I want to sleep for a hundred years…
Then reaching for pleasure, struggle with it, and scrape myself to begin the day - only to procrastinate and struggle with pleasure, with little productivity during the day.
I do have good moments, I do have days where I’m productive and get on with things, and am attentive.
But I have soooooo many moments where God is calling, and I’m avoiding.
It’s all well and good, to be shamed and repentant, but what about in the former moments where, time&time again, you aren’t shamed or repentant?
It’s not in the moments you find time for God, and reflection that is the problem,…
But in the moments you don’t find time for God and reflection - that’s the problem.
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I’m sorry I haven’t stayed accountable and very distant.
It gets really tough at times, and a constant battle, but I’m still wanting again, to be shaken.
There’s a certain “Snap out of it bro, and get ur shit together” that needs to be afflicted upon myself.
Like “wtf are you doing anyway?”
Feeling bad about it, or feeling good about it, doesn’t change anything.
But thinking & doing, does. You rely way too much on just your feelings.
What about the moments when you don’t “Snap out of it bro”? Those are the moments where you don’t let the trickster win you over.
Yes, Hot stuff is about - that’s normal
Getting high, and out of your mind is your choice to make normal - Nobody else’s.
~ “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
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When it really matters, you don’t (for the most part) repent, and turn to God.
You give-in to the trickster.
Thought, deed and feeling - the triangle of your soul
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You choose what to ‘make’ normal.
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Sat 24th Jan
I gave in today, not out of struggle or anything else, but because I chose to, and given free choice - noticing it in the moment. I’ve sinned, but The Lord has given me a way out.
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keep going.
What changes are you making this time?
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False pleasure vs Real pleasure
Reductive vs productive
I’ve lost that zeal for life, and can only think it’s because of opting for idle pleasure.
… That is a good question
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I would just encourage you to note it down if you can. Because the only way you would be a better person from last relapse is if you learned something from it. Otherwise, nothing has changed…
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I can be more attentive before going to bed and when I get up in the morning.
And trust in the bigger picture.
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Yes retroactive journalling (Mark Queppet- metascript method)
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I shouldn’t need to remind myself,
but need to, for now at least.
What am I at? 5% reality, maybe more maybe less.
100% being = “pmo? I don’t have time for that sh!t”… “like it? Miss it…? No, it’s a poison”
Day 8 - Day 0
I realise it’d be better if I were here everyday, good days or bad days, just to stay awake and accountable. It’s the awake part I’m not doing. When it comes to those moments, I say “fuck it, so what!”
what is going on?
Tagging you guys @ncubeanelem @Rebooter81 @Forerunner forgive me and please pray for me to do better.
Jason, Aoshigreen, Let’s Begin, And get off the fence, Pick a side (the ‘let’s-not-do-pmo’ side) And Think it, Speak it, Do it.
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Why? Why? Why…? Why do I give in?
Why does it suddenly become okay?
Why do I need to write? Why do I feel the need?
Why am I here? What am I doing? What is going on?
Somebody slap me
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