Part 4 - The Solution - 12 Steps of Recovery

[24hours24]

THE SOLUTION

It’s about time. I have been thinking a lot about how to write about this solution. I first focused on the 3 parts problem of porn addiction. If you missed them, here are the links:

Part 1 - The physical allergy - Part 1 - Understanding the 3 problems of addiction - The Physical Allergy

Part 2 - The Obsession of the Mind - https://rewirecompanion.com/t/part-2-the-mental-obsession-problem-meet-the-lier/77585

Part 3 - The Spiritual Malady - Part 3 - The Spiritual Malady - The Brain and Negative Emotions

If you have not read these 3 parts I recommend that you start there. The solution will make a lot more sense as you understand the problem.

So as many have asked me, what is the solution? The first point is that the solution is not me, my efforts and my strategies. That is not the solution and I have proved it to myself a thousand times in the past. When I try to stop - I fail. I therefore have to find a power that is stronger than me or any thing that I have ever tried before, including my complete will power. If you have read my list of things that I have tried to stop my addiction, you will see that I have tried almost everything (see the end of part 2 for a post called My Failed Solution List).

The solution that I am going to share with you comes from the experience of millions of addicts that have recovered from addictions to alcohol, drugs, including cocaine, meth, fentanyl, all mind altering drugs, sex, lust, porn masturbation, gambling, gaming and a tons of other conditions. Every addiction has been treated with this solution. It is the same 12 steps program for all addictions. They had a 75% success rate and say: “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” (AA p. 58)

HOW DID IT START

A group of 100 people that had recovered from an addiction to alcohol published a book called Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 1939. This book explained not only the problem of addiction but the exact program (they called it a simple program of actions) they followed to recover from alcoholism. It involved 12 steps. Since then this program and the 12 steps have been adapted and used to help addicts to recover from over 100 types of addictions including, sex, lust, pornography, masturbation and orgasm.

THE SOLUTION IS RECOVERY NOT ABSTINENCE

Before I explain the 12 steps, let me also define for you what I mean by being recovered or to live in recovery. This solution is much more than abstinence and working really hard to not give in to temptation. It allows people (like me) that were hopelessly addicted to stop their addiction for good, it left them in a state where they were not even tempted to drink or lust or view porn. It is not just abstinence (not doing it for a number of days), recovery is much more than that. Their lives have become happy, joyous and free. Here is a quote from the book:

“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol (lust and porn). For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor (lust and porn). If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor (lust and porn) has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.” (AA p. 84-85)

“If we are painstaking about this phase (step 8 and 9) of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. “ (AA p. 83)

What I am trying to say is that recovery is much, much more than just not fapping. It is not about struggling or trying harder, or taking cold showers or not being able to live and enjoy life. The recovery that I want is to live free from the addiction as long as I continue to follow the steps of recovery.

Abstinence is struggling with lust and porn and recovery is freedom from lust and porn.

Recovery is really possible and I know this because it is my reality today and I know a lot of guys that have the same results from living the same steps.

So here we go.

HOW TO GET STARTED

Before I discuss the steps themselves, let’s look at two things that have been really important to my recovery:

1. Attending recovery meetings: In the same way that Alcoholic Anonymous has meetings where people that are suffering from an addiction to alcohol can go to, I have attended many recovery meetings, including Sexaholic Anonymous (SA) and Sexaholic Anonymous Lifeline (SAL) the fellowship that I attend right now on Zoom. There are many other fellowships that use the 12 steps of recovery for lust, porn and sex and I believe that most of them have zoom meetings.
(I will share where you can find the zoom info for SAL in a comment below.)

Why I attend these meetings:

1. I have found the meetings to be very good for me. They are confidential, everyone there is dealing with an addiction to lust and porn (and some with many more issues). No one has ever judged me.
2. I learned a lot about the steps of recovery. Each meeting we take time to read and study the steps. Meetings are 100% free.
3. I was able to find people that had real recovery that were willing to help me.
4. I was able to share my difficulties and to feel that I was alone and that others had been in the same position and had recovered. There was hope.
5. I was able to find a sponsor to help me recover.

Even today as I have found real recovery, I still attend meetings each week and it helps me to stay sober and to find others that are suffering that I can help to work the steps and become their sponsor.

2. Get a sponsor: This is probably the most important thing that you can do to recover from your addiction. I have had 3 sponsors in my life and it has made all the difference. You can learn the steps of recovery on your own, you can understand them to some degree, but chances are you will not be able to really work them and gain recovery without someone else that have lived the 12 steps for some time to help guide you through the program of recovery. I have tried for years and it is only when I was humble enough to ask someone to sponsor me that I actually found recovery.

Why have a sponsor:

1. It works. It really takes an addict to help another addict.

2. It gave me a person that had experience and a working knowledge of working the steps. I could ask questions, follow his counsel and talk with him often.

3. He helped me understand the steps and apply them to my life and my recovery

4. It gave me hope that if it worked for him it could work for me.

5. It helped me be accountable as I worked the steps. I was able to share my progress and report back on what I was doing and not doing.

6. I could call him and talk when I was struggling with triggers or cravings.

In both cases meetings and sponsors have been free. No cost. The sponsors are doing it because they have freely received it from others before and it actually helps them to stay in recovery.

I will post about Step 1 the next few days, but if you are serious about getting better and finding recovery from your addiction, start by finding a meeting that you can attend and then you will be able to get to know someone that can become your sponsor. This is how it worked for me, and so many men that I know.

[24hours24]

Hey so I promissed to share how to find the meetings to SAL (Sexaholic Anonymous Lifeline) and this is the link that you can use: Find a meeting – SAL 12 Step Program

Once you register you will be given the opportunity to view a google sheet with all the meeting days, times and zoom information. Just show up on the right day at the time of the meeting and that is it.

I personally attend the Tuesday Night meeting at 6 PM EST or 8 PM MST each week.

Again all the meetings are 100% free. You dont have to do the courses that they sell. Just find a sponsor a work the steps.

[anon32080123]

I will try this after my exams get over

[24hours24]

STEP 1: ADMITTING THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER MY ADDICTION

The first step is to admit that we are addicted and that ■■■■ is not just a small temporary problem. It is not for me. I have 32 years of trying to stop and I cannot stop and stay stopped for the long term. I am really addicted. I am ready to admit that I am powerless over my addiction, that it is stronger than me and that it is really affecting my life.

This first step is really important, because only people who know and accept that they are powerless over their addiction, seem to have the determination to go through and live through all of the other 11 steps, and find real lasting recovery. In other words, the first step helps us to be in the right frame of mind to live the solution. That being said, I honestly believe that anyone, even a non addict who would live the 11 remaining steps would see a drastic improvement in their lives and all their personal and internal problems would be greatly diminished.

That is not my case. I am a real and full blown addict that is powerless over lust, ■■■■ and masturbation. That is the truth of my condition. I have the allergy (see part 1) and the obsession of the mind (see part 2) this makes it impossible for me to stop on my own. I have tried over 1000 times and failed to stay stopped.

If you are not sure that you are powerless over your addiction then read some of the posts that I have written about the problem in the first 3 parts (see the links at the top), or try to stop and stay stopped for good on your own. If you can then you are not powerless and then by definition you are not an addict (because you can stop on your own).

If you cannot stop and stay stopped for good - not just 100 days or a 1000 days but for good - then you are an addict and in my experience nothing will work until you find a sponsor and work the 12 steps.

You may want to consider this list of things that many addicts have tried to stop their addiction and have failed to keep us permanently sober and stopped. I wrote this in the Problem Part 2 but it is worth looking at it again. Ask yourself if you have tried to use these strategies to stop and if it has worked for you. If, like me, you have tried most of them, and it has not worked for you, then you may be ready for step 1 admitting that you are powerless over your addiction. Here is the list and my comments on each on:

MY FAILED SOLUTION (OR LOGS) LIST

These strategies have failed to keep me permanently abstinent: (Source: this list was made by Cameron F. from Toronto Canada. I am adding my experience to his list.)

• Will power: Trying harder to not look at ■■■■. White-knuckle resisting the urge of not watching ■■■■. Failed me too many times to count.
• Resolutions, oaths, promises or contracts: I have promised myself, God, my wife, my church leader and other people that I would NEVER watch ■■■■ again. I was very sincere and honest when I made these promises. Each time I did it again.
• Controlled using or limiting my behavior: I have tries to only look a little bit, limit to just using my thoughts, covering the nudity on my screen with my fingers, using many different software to block my internet use (even with socal buddy systems that would be notified if I looked at anything bad). It did not work. I would always find a way around it. It never lasted. I cannot control or limit my addiction.
• Substitution strategy: Trying to keep my mind on something else, or doing other things so that I would not view ■■■■. I tried to keep busy, have goals, exercise, cold showers, reading scripture, singing a hymn, reading about addiction. It worked for some time but was not permanent. My liar brain gets me when I am weak and I fall.
• Ominous warnings from a doctor, judge, lawyer, police, employer: I added church leader and wife. Man my wife and church leaders have really warned me and told me this is the last time, if not… I understood and agreed with them. I really did not want to do it again. But each time, I did it again.
• Change of environment, trigger list, avoiding people, places and things: This never worked for me because lust and ■■■■ is really everywhere. There is no environment on earth that can block me from lust and ■■■■. Even if you locked me up in a room without anything, not even a window, I have the ability to create all the lust and ■■■■ that I need in my head. Internet filtering programs like BlockerX or moving to a new city or country are other variations I have tried.
• Counseling, therapy, group therapy, cognitive behavior therapy (CBT): I did each one of these things. I did counseling, alone and with my wife, I did ■■■■ specific individual and group therapy for over 1 year. It was expensive and it did not work. I still went back to my addiction to ■■■■. I learned a lot, got some tools, helped me a little but did not keep me stopped.
• Detox, treatment centres and spiritual retreat: I did not do the detox or treatment centers, but I did do the spiritual retreats. Still watched ■■■■ after.
• Having a sponsor, a mentor, a recovery coach: I have had another addict help me, mentoring me and coaching me to stop. It helped a lot and as long as I was living the solution he shared with me it helped. However, a sponsor, a mentor or a coach is still human power and it could not stop me from falling and watching ■■■■ again.
• Going to recovery meetings, 90 meetings in 90 days. I have gone to recovery meetings with different fellowship. SA, SAL, ARP for 14 years. Meetings have helped, and give me knowledge of the solution, helped me to be less secretive, helped me to find a sponsor, helped me to see other people that were doing great and had the type of life without ■■■■ addiction that I wanted to have, but since I have attended meetings regularly for 14 years I still relapsed over 25 times. So it was better than before, much better. But if I just attended meetings and did not live the program of action that was discussed in the meetings, I still would relapse again. So recovery meetings are for sure part of the solutions but not the complete solution.
• Self-Help books, personal development courses. I have read hundreds of self-development books, attended courses and seminars, and even taught self development to thousands of people. It did not keep me away from ■■■■ and lust.
• Recovery knowledge, studying the Big Book. I have read books about addiction and know a lot about it. It did not give me the power to stop. I have also read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous for many years, even if the solution is in the book - written in black on white, just reading the book did not make me never touch ■■■■ again. There is a difference in knowing about the solution and living it.
• Intelligence and education: I studied at university. I consider myself intelligent, probably above the average. Being smart did not stop me from my addiction.
• Frothy emotional appeals, interventions, threats and ultimatums: It did not matter how much my wife would cry or plead with me, or ask me to stop. It would help for a time, I do love her. You see, the problem is not that I needed to be convinced to stop. I wanted to stop. I wanted to end this addiction. I was sincere and really wanted to never practice my addiction again. Convincing me was not the problem. I was convinced and motivated. I just did not know HOW to stop and stay stopped.
• Positive thinking, affirmations, self-talk, gratitude lists: I believe in all these things, I have taught it to others and I even have a booklet that I published to show people how to use affirmations to change your inner self-image. This is important to me and I use it for myself. However, it did not work against my addiction. Years of affirmation, positive thinking and self talk did not stop me from relapsing.
• Guilt, shame and remorse. I have lived and experienced a lot of guilt, shame and remorse. I have cried, and pleaded. Feeling more guilt, shame or remorse was not the problem. Actually it was more of the underlying problem than a solution.
• Keeping Busy: Yes, I was busy, carrying my planner, planning all my time… Did not work.
• Yesterday’s spiritual experience: I have had some very strong and powerful spiritual experiences. They have helped me a lot, but unless I kept close to God and kept having a spiritual connection with him each day, I would not find the power to keep me in recovery over a long period of time.
• Memory strategy. Thinking through the consequence of our actions. This did not work for me because when the liar in my brain was trying to convince me of watching ■■■■ or lusting, my brain was hijacked and the obsession was blinding me to all other types of thinking including the consequences of my actions.
• Jail and incarceration: I have never gone to jail, but I know people who have gone to jail and it did not fix them. They were still addicted to ■■■■ after they came out.
• Good reasons to stop, making a list of reasons and consequences: I had lists, I had really great reasons to stop, including an amazing wife, great children, a desire to be close to God. Reasons where not enough. The problem is not about deciding to stop.
• Moral and philosophical convictions, reputation: I am a man with strong values and beliefs of what is right and wrong. I really believe them, say it and try my best to live them. I had convictions, and even if my ■■■■ addiction was against what I believed was right and moral, I still could not stop and it would rip me apart.
• Suffering and humiliation: I have suffered for 32 years, each time trying to stop, feeling guilt and shame. I would confess to God, my church leaders and my wife each time I had a relapse, each time this was humiliating and painful. This helped me, that is sure, but it was not a permanent solution.
• Sobriety time: Time is not the solution. I have counted days and had a really long streak sometimes over 2 years with perfect non-■■■■ or lust, my obsessive mind would bring me back to ■■■■. Time does help (the plasticity of the brain does heal our brains with time), but by itself cannot give me long term power to stay stopped.
• Exercise, hitting the gym: I have exercises every day. It is good. I have done both cardio and strength, muscle building exercises. It is something good and helps but it did not stop me from relapsing.
• Holistic medicine, acupuncture, hypnotism: I have seen professionals in these fields, I have seen energy workers, light and pressure acupuncture that were specialised in addiction. I have seen Neuro Linguistic programing experts (NLP) and it had not worked.
• Healthy Diet, vitamins, fasting and cleansings: I have tried many diets, I was even vegan for a while. I have researched vitamins and supplements to find if someone could love my desire for sex, taking over 40 different supplements per day. I have fasted for short periods, long periods (over 10 days), intermittent fasting, water-fasting, dry fasting. I have done all these things and not one of them was a solution to my addiction.

There you go. How many of them apply to you in your life? Take a piece of paper and write down which of these recovery strategies you have tried to stop your addiction and have failed you.

Cameron calls them logs because of this analogy: “

Addicts are like drowning men and women. If we don’t find some way of keeping our heads above water, we are going to drown. So we look for some kind of power to keep us afloat. We notice there are “logs” floating on the surface. These logs look like they’re capable of keeping our heads above water, but when we reach for one of these logs we find that we can only hold on for maybe a day, a week, a month, a year, maybe longer, but at some point, the logs fails us as a power and we slip and drown. “Logs” are best described as easier, softer ways, middle of the road solutions, half measures and human aid.” Source: F., Cameron, Big Book Sponsorship, p 4. Available here: https://bigbooksponsorship.org/downloads/4-hour-12-steps.pdf

Going through this list for myself, I was convinced that I was powerless over lust, pornography, and masturbation. I cannot stop fapping with my own power and I need a power above and beyond my own. That is what I am willing to admit.

If you are not sure, try some of these strategies, give it your best shot and see if it works. No problems there. If it works then you know that you are free at last, if you cannot stop and stay stopped with your own power or with the power of others (wife, phycologies and therapists, religious leaders, friends) then you should look at getting a sponsor and attending meetings.

STARTING YOUR RECOVERY JOURNEY

This is what you need to start the journey. Just reading this post and learning about it will do nothing for you. You need to work the steps and it’s almost impossible without a sponsor.

You can also attend a workshop (free) that Cameron F. does each last Sunday of the month from 2 pm to 6 pm (USA EST - Eastern Standard Time) - it is called 12 Steps in 4 Hours Workshop and it is really good. Here is the link for more details or to register: https://12steps4hours.org/ . During the workshop you can ask for a sponsor in the chat. If you go, let me know what you think.

That is all for today.

Cheers and I will continue soon.

[24hours24]

Hey so I just got a call from a wife of a guy that I know that is suffering from PMO addiction. She is really devastated. It is hard to see. I wish that she could understand all of this.