In this thread, I want to share what is at the root cause of everything. What is the real problem to the lust addiction? But before we go there, let’s review a few things that we have already covered in the last 2 discussions about the three fold problem with addiction to lust and porn (it’s actually the same problem for all addictions).
In Part 1 - Understanding the 3 problems of addiction is essential! (Link: https://rewirecompanion.com/t/part-1-understanding-the-3-problems-of-addiction-is-essential/77419) I really talk about the first of the 3 problems, it is the physical allergy to lust. It is really important that I understood that my problem started with lust, not porn. Lust was my first drink and would trigger my allergy to want more and more lust until I got drunk and went for the porn and masturbation - and finally the guilt. This is actually the real condition of our addiction. If it was not for the body allergy I would not be an addict. If you have not read this tread, please do it before you continue here.
In Part 2 - The Mental Obsession Problem - Meet the liar - (Link: https://rewirecompanion.com/t/part-2-the-mental-obsession-problem-meet-the-lier/77585) is where I shared about the second problem of the obsession of the mind.This problem is all about our LIAR obsessive brain that keeps telling us that we can lust again, that this time will be different (not!) and that it won’t be that bad. I also discuss in a lot of details how the combination of the two problems is a fatal one-two combo that keeps us always relapsing and never finding the peace that we really want. It is really important that you take the time to read all 5 core posts in this thread before you move on.
So here we go - problem number 3!
MY BRAIN NUMBING AND FEELING ALTERING DRUG
I know at this point that I have an allergy to lust that means that if I take a drink of lust I will relapse and watch porn, and I have an obsessive brain that when I am not lusting wants me to start lusting again which leads to a relapse. This is my reality and I have repeated this cycle so many times in the last 32 years that I no longer doubt it.
This sucks royalty. But there is more. The 3rd and real problem is that underpins everything. Yes there is something that makes me want to lust, that makes me think that I NEED IT. This is the 3rd problem and the real cause of everything and why my brain keeps obsessing to find all these reasons why I should lust, view porn and masturbate.
Lust, Porn, Masturbation and Orgasm (I will use LPMO) - the four horsemen of my apocalypse - are really a tool that I used to deal with the pains of daily life. It is a coping mechanism that my brain has discovered is very effective to make me feel better when I feel off inside. It’s not different from alcohol, or drugs or any mind-bending and conscience modification substance. LPMO is my drug of choice. It is my liquor, my crack cocaine, how my brain chooses to self-medicate.
Some people have a hard time accepting this. They think it is pushing it too far.
How can you compare lust or porn to a drug - even an illegal drug.
They can think that : “I am not a drunk, a winno, or a needle pusher.” (I mean no offense to anyone that has a problem with alcohol or drugs.) But think about it.
Do you feel different when you view porn or masturbate? While you are in the porn binge, viewing it, do you feel good or bad? Are all your problems and your fears and guilt really still present in your conscience when you are enjoying the feeling of porn, when your mind blows up in orgasm. I don’t. I feel super amazing. I love it. Porn relieves the pain of all my troubles every single time.
For the first 7 years of my porn addiction career, it was really great. I had no issues with porn, it had a job to do and it did it really well. It was only when I was 18 and I wanted to stop that I discovered that I could not, no matter how hard I tried I could not shake it. That is when my problem started.
Here is a little bit of my life story. It will be enough to illustrate that I started to use pornography as a way to relieve the pain of being rejected and bullied as a young child.
MY EARLY LIFE ADDICTION STORY
“I was born dead. A blue baby - with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. I did not cry and I did not breathe. By the grace of God, the doctors brought me to life. My mother was young and sweet. My father was a medical doctor and an alcoholic. I remember him beating my mother and hitting us in fits of anger and violence when he drank too much. He would bring me to bars where I would play for many, many hours. My parents were both from Belgium, cousins and immigrated to Canada. I cannot complain. I had a great mother and my dad did stop drinking at some point, probably through AA as I found some of the literature years later.
I was a very innocent and sweet child, the first born both on my fathers and mothers side, which made me the oldest cousin. I would play alone, live mostly in my imagination. Not very strong or athletic, I was immature - I did not get the world and so I was teased, rejected by other children and lonely.
I was introduced to nudity when I was a young child, maybe 6 or 7. I had older children that came to visit us from Europe. They were older and showed us how to play “doctor”. In the woods on my grandfather’s property, hiding from our nanny, my sisters would be undressed and the doctors would examine the patient. I don’t remember the details but it was exciting and I like that game.
Another time, on a vacation to my grandfather in Belgium and France and our nanny was a beautiful blonde woman in her early 20s. I was the oldest child and one day she told me that she would teach me how to kiss but not kiss like we say good night to our parents. I was intrigued but my reaction must have shown confusion as she did not teach me to kiss. A couple years later, I was in the TV room with her and a cousin, when she let us touch her breast. It was the first time that I touched a woman. I have fantasized about this event so many times. The what if scenarios have haunted me.
I was held back in school because I could not read after the first grade. I had dyslexia but I did not understand what that meant. I just knew that I would go to a special room and work one-on-one with a special teacher. I failed grade 1.
After my second time in grade 1, I still struggled. For the next 6 years of grade school, I was always invited during Language Arts (French in my case) class, to leave the normal children and attend another class for the stupid kids. I was set aside and labeled as slow and this has affected me for my entire life. I hate failing. I have always NEEDED (as a compulsion) to prove to others that I was smart, intelligent and therefore worthy of being loved and considered. I had few friends and did not understand the world, especially the girl scene.
Rejected from others, from the school, I connected to this teacher that was in this special needs class. She was pretty, a mother figure at school and important to me.
At the age of 10 or 11, I was rummaging through my fathers home office when I found about 40 or 50 Playboy magazines from the 70’s. I did not know too much but the feeling of sexual excitement embraced me. I looked at pictures of naked women and felt something like never before. It was all there just for me. I was amazed. This started slowly, going to his office to look, but gradually, I would take a few magazines in my bedroom and look at them.
It took me some time but I finally understood the basics of masturbation and discovered its pleasures - what a wonderful thing. Playboy magazines and masturbation were a great combination. In the secret of my room, I would connect with the picture woman that would love me, open themselves to me and accept me. I belonged. I was a boy that wanted to be a real man.
These new experiences relieve me from the pains of being less considered or less mature than my peers. I was comforted everyday and how soothing and yet how exciting this adventure was. I felt powerful as I imagined these women wanting me, while in the real world, I was weak and helpless.”
During my junior high years, my consumption of lust increased as I discovered that around midnight on Friday nights each week a softcore movie would play. This was now a more powerful experience and a real sexual education. I could live the experience in my mind and lived part of the stories as an actor and not only a viewer. I now live in the seduction of lust.
I was no longer feeling the pain of rejection, of being weak, or stupid and of not being good enough. In my fantasy, with either the videos (and I learned to record the movies on the VCR) or in my imagination, I was now everything that a woman wanted, powerful, desirable, worthy of receiving what was most precious from a woman and through it all it was real and I felt it, the orgasms confirming the reality of the fantasy.”
I hope that my story illustrates that I started to use pornography as a way to deal with the difficulties of my life, the rejection and the negative emotions and feelings that I had.
MY LIFE IN 30 SECONDS
My addiction story can be summarized in this way:
- The root cause of my addiction is feeling these negative emotions (rejection, fear, being dumb, and being hurt) that come from everyday normal life.
- This leads my brain to obsessively suggest that I use what has worked in the past - my drug of choice, my first love, lust and porn - to relieve these feelings. My brain lies to me, continually, obsessively and powerfully (we call that temptation) until we give in and indulge in lust and porn.
- The minute I indulge in what my obsessive brain wants - even a little bit of lust, my physical allergy is triggered and I want more and more lust until I relapse in porn, masturbation and orgasm.
- I feel horrible after. I cannot believe that I did it again. This negative emotion and feeling feeds my need to start over. I am back at number 1.
That is the story of my life.
Anyone else is living a similar story?
I have a few more posts to write about this in the next few days. Then we move on to the solution.