Part 2 - The Mental Obsession Problem - Meet the liar

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Welcome back!

Four days ago, I posted on the first of three problems with every addiction. It is true for PMO addiction, or as I prefer to call it my addiction to lust. Side note: I have found lust to be the real first drink that leads me to view porn, act out by masturbating and finally orgasming.

The first problem is a physical allergy that once I start lusting/edging, I can stop lusting. It is like the first drink for the alcoholic. If I take 1 drink of lust, I cannot stop and I lust more and more until I get drunk and view porn and you know the rest of the story. This is the first part of an addiction, I am different, I cannot afford to start lusting or I will get drunk with porn. It is really important to understand this. It really matters because it means that I am not bad, weak, or evil, I am sick. I have a malady. That is my condition.

Please if you have not read Part 1 - The Tree Problems of Addication, read it now (and leave a comment) and come back here after. Here is the link: Part 1 - Understanding the 3 problems of addiction is essential! - #2 by 24hours24

Now lets go to the next problem.

THE SECOND PROBLEM IS WORSE

The second problem is more serious that the first. It has to do with the mind and how it deceives me into thinking that I can (and should) lust just a little and this time it will be different.

It makes me think that:

  • a little bit of lust will not hurt me;
  • this time, I can do just this little lusting in my mind, or fantasize just a little and I can stop there.
  • If I just think of it, it is not really porn. I am allowed to do this.
  • and hundreds of other variations of this.

Those thoughts are not true. They are LIES.

The problem is called: the OBSESSION OF THE MIND. An obsession is a thought that will not leave us alone about something.

Here is the definition: 1) the state of being obsessed with someone or something; 2) an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind. the state of being obsessed with someone or something.

Here is how it works:

  1. I am sober. I am doing great. I have not lusted, viewed porn or masturbated for a while, maybe a week, a month or a year (this is different for each person).
  2. I know by experience that I cannot afford to lust,
  3. but my mind makes me think that I should or that I can do it just a little bit and I will be OK.
  4. This thought is so powerful, so convincing, so obsessive, that I forget all the pain, all the guilt and shame that I lived last time.
  5. My mind is focused on how it will make me feel, how it will help me get rid of the stress or boredom I am feeling at the time.
  6. I think that you can search for an “innocent” image without going too far. That I will be ok if I lust just a little, just one innocent image and I can stop there.

What is really happening is that my mind is convincing me that I do not have an allergy to lust/PMO (problem 1), and that I can just lust a little, because it does something for me that I really like. It’s how I deals with my negative feelings last time and it worked (more on that in part 3 in a few days).

This is based on my experience, and the experience of hundreds of men that I have talked to through out the years. I have personally done this thousands of times.

Because this is so important let me say it again in different words. The story stars with me doing well for some time. Then, I have a hard day and my mind wants me to think of something that will help me. It suggests that I think of this girl, or imagine this beautiful girl, I could focus on her boobs or between her legs, I could play in my mind one of my favorite fantasy about something I remember. I have not done it yet, I am just thinking about it, but I want this. I desire it. I can feel the pull, the need - the obsession is building. I try to fight it. It resist. I try really hard. I try all the strategies (gym, work, connection) but inside it is building. Like a powerful wave, it builds and builds, I know that it is inevitable. I start thinking that I can do just this little bit - just thinking, it is not porn, there is no nudity, if I just look at an image of a girl in a bikini. Just one little look. Then I can stop. I pull my phone, I make sure I am alone and I search for what I am convinced is just one innocent image of a girl in a bikini. That is my problem. My mind is lying to me.

That is the second problem. The obsession of the mind that makes me think that I can lust and view these images, or fantasize and I will be safe. I can just lust a little with impunity (like other people that are not addicted). This is true for me. It is the honest truth of my condition. To say anything else would be to lie.

My brain has a liar that lives in it. When it comes to nudity, girls, lust sex, porn or anything sexual, I lie to myself. Even if I know that I am allergic to these things , it convinces me that I can take just one drink of lust and stop. That is a lie that my obsessive brain tells me every time. And I believe him - everytime, it is the same story. I cannot escape it.

I start with something innocent, an innocent image or thought of a girl. It starts the physical allergy and I am gone, like a slave, I go through the craving/binging cycle again. I stay in PMO for a time, days, weeks or months until I am so disgusted with myself, so exhausted that nothing excites me any more and I stop - fully burned out. Some time later, the liar get me again, and the cycle continues again, and again and again. It also gets worse and worse and worse with time because addiction is progressive.

Am I the only one that lives this? Are you seeing this in your life?

(I will post a little bit more on this in a bit.) I have to go to work :slightly_smiling_face:

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Funny enough, immediately after fapping, you come to your senses

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This is known as “Post Nut Clarity”.

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Here is some more about this Obsession of the Mind problem .

THE SUPER BAD NEWS
The real, real, real problem is when I understand the power of this combined monster:

  1. I cannot stop when I start with the first drink of lust. It leads me, each and every time, to view porn and/or masturbate (the physical allergy problem - discussed in part 1); and

  2. when I dont lust or PMO, at one time my mind makes me think that I can lust just a little bit and this starts the allergy all over again.

This means that, when I start, I can’t stop! and when I stop, a week, a month or a year later, at some point, the obsession in my mind starts to tel me the lies, and I start again.

It is a cycle that leads me to oblivion.

It is real slavery.

I stop then start, then more pain. The pain of guilt, and shame and disgust. Stop, start, and pain, again and again - a hundred and even a thousand agains. Like a slave that cannot chose to stop, it is stronger than me, it never ends, and I am tired.

This is insanity and why an addiction to lust/pmo is so hard. It is the ultimate one two combination punch that gets me - KO each time.

This combination of the physical allergy and the mental obsession is incredibly powerful. I have suffered from this for 32 years of trying everything to stop my PMO addiction that I, on my own, CAN. NOT. STOP. AND. STAY. STOPPED!

That is a fact in my life. I have relapsed, fallen, did it again and again more than 1000 times. I have tried everything to stop and it has not worked (until I found a real solution - a program of action that I can follow - more on that later).

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Hey man, I really get it. I have the same experience. The next morning I feel like crap. Disgusted.

At the end, I would even watch some porn in the morning so that I I wouldn’t have to feel like that all day. I could enjoy another day. After a week, a month, and sometimes many months I would wake up and realize that I had gone much further.

For me, clarity became really painful when you go through. And you don’t even how to get out of your addiction.

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@24hours24 This is really a challenge, but with focus and determination, we will break free

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Hey I have experienced a different way of solving my addiction problem that does not involved having to count days, get a longer streak and struggling. It is as if God removed all the temptation and all the fighting. As long as I stay in good spiritual conditions it just works every day. I know hundreds of men that had the same experience.

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I explained above the one-two combo that takes me out: the physical allergy, and the mind obsession. I would like to compare these 2 problems to another allergy to really see what this means and why my addiction is truly pure insanity.

ALLERGY TO SALMON
Source: This conparison with salmon alergy was first mentioned by Joe and Charlie in their tapes: Big Book comes alive!

This guy is allergic to fish, especially salmon. When he takes even a little bit of salmon his body reacts violently. It is not a joke - and his entire body swells up, even his breathing tubes and tongue wells. If he does not go to the hospital, he may die. When it comes to salmon, he is not normal. He is physically allergic to salmon. This is his condition and he must accept it.

This happens once, or maybe twice, and he decides that he will never eat or touch salmon again. Just to be sure, he make the decision to never eat fish again. It is too risky. This is good and sane thinking. If you are allergic to something that can killing you, dont touch it again.

Now lets say that our guy has another problem - he is obsessed with eating salmon. I know it may sound strange but it is a second problem he has. He has not touched salmon for some time - even years. He sees other people enjoying salmon and fish and nothing happens to them! He starts thinking that he should try it again.

His mind starts to think:

“You know, the last time I ate salmon, I was much younger. It has been so may years, maybe I am better now.”

“You know, the last time I ate a lot of salmon, it was too much for my system. I could just take a small piece and I will be fine. Right?”

“Thinking of it, the last time I had salmon cooked over a fire, but this time I could boil it! Certainely that amount of heat will make it safe.”

“The last time, I was really hungry, I had not eaten anything for the entire day, if I eat salmon on a full stomach, I will be just fine.”

Each of these thoughts seem rational, and intelligent. He is just trying to analyse his problem and find a solution. All these thought would be good as long he was a normal person - not allergic to salmon.

However, he IS allergic to salmon. This is a fact. He knows it because of his previous experience with eating salmon.

His mind is the real problem. It is obsessive. It keeps thinking that there is a way to safely eat salmon. Like my mind that makes me think I can safely lust or look of bikini images.)

We all do this. I did it for years. Trying and trying to lust without triggering the allergy and going to porn and masturbation binges.

His brain is not remembering all the pain the last time he eats salmon, he went to the hospital and almost died. This is really craziness and insane thinking. It is the result of an obsessive mind - if I do it again, I will NOT have the same results, it will be different. Is not that the definition of insanity?

I have this same obsessive thinking problem but it is not about salmon but about lust and sexy girls.

I used the salmon allergy as an example to illustrate how crazy and insane an intelligent person can think when he is obsessed. In real life, people that are allergic to salmon, nuts or other food allergies do just fine. It is not really a problem for them. They live normal lives and their allergy will not kill them or bother them.

Once they learn that they have an allergy to something that can kill them, they never try it again. It is not a problem as long as I dont eat salmon. It is not hard because they just leave it alone. Problem solved. Life goes on. They accept they are allergic - It is their condition and they never eat salmon again.

This is why there are no addiction programs for salmon eaters.

Being allergic is not the problem. If I accept my allergy to lust and never touch it again I am free and safe to live my life. The real problem and what causes me so much pain is the obsession of the mind. It is my thinking, that makes me think that we can do it again that is the real problem.

Hope this making sense. I needed to understand this reality before I could accept that I was powerless and that my little tricks and strategies that I was trying to use to get a few days or a few weeks of no fapping was really not going to cut it when I am dealing with something like this. At least for me, I have proven for myself that I this addiction to lust, porn and masturbation is too strong for me. I need a solution from outside of myself.

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I have 2 more posts to finish this obsession of the mind problem. They are more personal and about how my addiction has really kicked my butt for way too long. I will post one tomorrow and the last one monday. Merry Christmass everyone and God bless you.

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When I discovered that I was 1) allergic to lust (if I start, I cannot stop), and 2) I understood that I have an obsession of the mind when it comes to anything that has to do with sex, I finally understood why it was so difficult for me to stop my addiction.

This was important.

Why? For the first time, I understood that my addiction to porn was not just a little problem that I could just use these superficial strategies to solve.

It was complex and deep.

Before this understanding, I believed that if I tried hard enough, or long enough, I would find a cure. But after 30 years of trying, I finally understood and I was ready to accept that I am completely POWERLESS over my addiction. I don’t say that lightly.

It means that my will-power is not strong enough to overcome these 2 combined problems. This is my experience, I have tried so much, so many things, and so many times that I am finally ready to accept that I - of myself with all my will-power and intelligence and strategies, I cannot stop. I am not enough.

I have experienced 1 year and 2 years of sobriety (more than once), meaning that I did not touching PMO once for more than 2 years (I have had this 4 times in 32 years), the liar in my obsessive brain convinces me to lust again and I relapse again and then again. Each time I get worse and worse.

I have been so discouraged, even sick to think that I would never beat this addiction. It is completely demoralizing.

I have hurt my wife and family so many times. Seeing her hurt so deeply because I would confess that I had done it again, or she would catch me, was so painful for me (and her). It is a real miracle that she did not leave me.

I have suffered so much and for so long that I had to find a solution. I was desperate. I finally found a solution that was stronger than anything I had in myself. It worked and is working for me. Today, life when it comes to my addiction is easy. It feels like I am cheating it is so easy.

I will share this solution after we have finished the 3 parts about the problem. It is completely free, available to everyone, just requires you to be willing and honest, and it simply works.

You may wonder why I just dont come out a just tell you right now what the solution is, it is because it is easier to understand and believe when you undertand each of the 3 problems.

I have only one thing to cover before moving to part 3. I want to share what I have tried to do inorder to stop fapping and each one had failed me and has not worked.

If you have not read, Part 1 about the physical allergy, I recommend that you read it.

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Before I share the third problem, (actualy the cause of the obsession of the mind,) I want to share with you all the things that I have tried to stop my addiction, that have failed me. Meaning these things, did not work for me. If it helped me stop for a time, it did not keep me stopped. They were temporary and eventually where false solutions.

I think it is important that I share this list of false solutions, so that 1) you can understand that when I say that I tried everything, you can see that I did try everything. And 2) if you have not suffered for 32 years trying everything, maybe you will be willing to believe me when I say that it does not work and you will not waste your time and your life following these false solutions. You don’t have to suffer for this long and try everything or worse give up!

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MY FAILED SOLUTION LIST

These strategies have failed to keep me permanently abstinent: (Source: this list was made by Cameron F. from Toronto Canada. I am adding my experience to his list.)

  • Will power: Trying harder to not look at porn. White-knuckle resisting the urge of not watching porn. Failed me too many times to count.

  • Resolutions, oaths, promisses or contracts: I have promissed myself, God, my wife, my church leader and other people that I would NEVER watch porn again. I was very sincere and honest when I made these promisses. Each time I did it again.

  • Controled using or limiting my behavior: I have tries to only look a little bit, limit to just using my thoughts, covering the nudity on my screen with my fingers, using many different software to block my internet use (even with socal buddy systems that would be notified if I looked at anything bad). It did not work. I would always find a way around it. It never lasted. I cannot control or limit my addiction.

  • Substitution strategy: Trying to keep my mind on something else, or doing other things so that I would not view porn. I tried to keep busy, have goals, exercise, cold showers, reading scripture, singing a hymn, reading about addiction. It worked some time but was not permanent. My liar brain gets me when I am weak and I fall.

  • Ominous warnings from a doctor, judge, lawyer, police, employer: I added church leader and wife. Man my wife and church leaders have really warned me and told me this is the last time, if not… I understood and agreed with them. I really did not want to do it again. But each time, I did it again.

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  • Change of environment, trigger list, avoiding people, places and things: This never worked for me because lust and porn is really everywere. There is no environment on earth that can block me from lust and porn. Even if you locked me up is a room without anything, not even a window, I have the ability to create all the lust and porn that I need in my head. Internet filtering programs like BlockerX or moving to a new city or country are other variations I have tried.

  • Counseling, therapy, group therapy, cognitive behavior therapy (CBT): I did each one of these things. I did counseling, alone and with my wife, I did pornograhy specific individual and group therapy for over 1 year. It was expensive and it did not work. I still went back to my addiction to porn. I learned a lot, got some tools, helped me a little but did not keep me stopped.

  • Detox, treatment centres and spiritual retreat: I did not do the detox or treatment centers, but I did do the spiritual retreats. Still watched porn after.

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  • Having a sponsor, a mentor, a recovery coach: I have had another addict help me, mentoring me and coaching me to stop. It helped a lot and as long as I was living the solution he shared with me it helped. However, a sponsor, a mentor or a coach is still human power and it could not stop me from faling and watching porn again.

  • Going to recovery meetings, 90 meetings in 90 days. I have gone to recovery meetings with different fellowhip. SA, SAL, ARP for 14 years. Meetings have helped, and give me knowledge of the solution, helped me to be less secretive, helped me to find a sponsor, helped me to see other people that were doing great and had the type of life without porn addiction that I wanted to have, but since I have attended meetings regularly for 14 years I still relapsed over 25 times. So it was better than before, much better. But if I just attended meetings and did not live the program of action that was discussed in the meetings, I still would relapse again. So recovery meetings are for sure part of the solutions but not the complete solution.

  • Self-Help books, personal development courses. I have read hundreds of self-development books, attended courses and seminars, even teach self development to thousands of people. It did not keep me away from porn and lust.

  • Recovery knowledge, studying the Big Book. I have read books about addiction and know a lot a about it. It did not give me the power to stop. I have also read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous for many years, even if the solution is in the book - writen in black on white, just reading the book did not make me never touch porn again. There is a difference in knowling about the solution and living it.

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  • Intelligence and education: I studied at university. I consider myself intelligent, probably above the avegage. Being smart did not stop me from my addiction.

  • Frothy emotional appeals, interventions, threats and ultimatums: It did not mather how much my wife would cry or plead with me, or ask me to stop. It would help for a time, I do love her. You see the problem is not that I needed to be convinced to stop. I wanted to stop. I wanted to end this addiction. I was sincere and really wanted to never practice my addiction again. Convincing me was not the problem. I was convinced and motivated. I just did not know HOW to stop and stay stopped.

  • Positive thinking, affirmations, self-talk, gratiture lists: I believe in all these things, I have taught it to other and I even have a booklet that I published to show people how to use affirmations to change you inner self-image. This is important to me and I use it for myself. However, it did not work against my addiction. Years of affirmation, positive thinking and self talk did not stop me from relapsing.

  • Guilt, shame and remorse. I have live and experienced a lot of guilt, shame and remorse. I have cried, and pleaded. Feeling more guilt, shame or remorse was not the problem. Actually it was more of the underlying problem than a solution.

  • Keeping Busy: Yes, I was busy, carrying my planner, planning all my time… Did not work.

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  • Yesterday’s spiritual experience: I have had some very strong and powerful spiritual experiences. They have helped me a lot, but unless I kept close to God and kept having a spiritual connection with him each day, I would not find the power to keep me in recovery over a long period of time.

  • Memory strategy. Thinking throught the consequence of our actions. This did not work for me because when the liar in my brain was trying to convince me of watching porn or lusting, my brain was hijacked and the obsession was blinding me to all other types of thinking including the consequences of my actions.

  • Jail and incarceration: I have never gone to jail, but I know people who have gone to jail and it did not fix them. They were still addicted to porn after they came out.

  • Good reasons to stop, makeing list of reasons and consequences: I had lists, I had really great reasons to stop, including an amazing wife, great children, a desire to be close to God. Reasons where not enough. The problem is not about deciding to stop.

  • Moral and philosophical convictions, reputation: I am a man with strong values and beliefs of what is right and wrong. I really believe them, say it and try my best to live them. I had convictions, and even if my porn addiction was against what I believed was right and moral, I still could not stop and it would rip me appart.

  • Suffering and humiliation: I have suffered for 32 years, each time trying to stop, feeling guilt and shame. I would confess to God, my church leaders and my wife each time I had a relapse, each time this was humiliating and painful. This helped me, that is sure, but it was not a premanent solution.

  • Sobriety time: Time sis not the solution. I have counted days and had a really long streak sometimes over 2 years with perfect non-porn or lust, my obsessive mind would bring me back to porn. Time does help (the plasticity of the brain does heal our brains with time), but by itself cannot give me long term power to stay stopped.

  • Exercise, hitting the gym: I have exercises every day. It is good. I have done both cardio and strenght, muscle building exercise. It is someting good and helpes but it did not stop me from relapsing.

  • Holisting medicine, acupuncture, hypnotism: I have seen professionals in these fields, I have seen energy workers, light and pressure acupucture that where specialised in addiction. I have seen Neuro Linguistic programing experts (NLP) and it had not worked.

  • Healthy Diet, vitamins, fasting and cleansings: I have tried many diets, I was even vegan for a while. I have researched vitamins and supplements to find if some could lover my desire for sex, taking over 40 different supplements per day. I have fasted for short periods, long periods (over 10 days), intermitent fasting, water-fasting, dry fasting. I have done all these things and not one of them was a solution to my addiction.

There you go. I have tries all these things, and not one of them was the permanent solution to my addiction to lust, porn and masturbation. Some of them helped. Some of them where the solution but I did not know how to do it correctly. I have come to believe that there is no human power that can solve my addiction problem. That is the truth for me. It is my experience.

What is your experience? Have you found a solution that has worked long term?

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I also tried many things. Some like easy peasy helped for a while. I still think that it can be of great help to set propper mentality for the change we need. But it’s also not a final solution. I’m curious about your resolution.

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I also liked Easy Peasy and had hope it would work, but like you, it was helpful but not the solution.

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I just posted the 3rd and last problem that is at the core of addication to anything including Lust, Porn and Masturbation. Check it out here: Part 3 - The Spiritual Malady - Debilitating Negative Emotions

I hope this is helping some people to see more clearly into what addiction has been for me. This is the begining of getting better is to understand exactly what is really happening.

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This always happens to me
And also some day i wake up and i suddenly get an odd fantasy type so my brain makes me curious to see if there is some po*n on that particular topic

This search led me to worst fantasy which i wanna eliminate no matter what

This same behaviour of brain deceiving me exists in other addiction for example for me it exists in games and youtube

Like for example
I dont want to play games
But my brain just wwakes up at random times and tells
Start playing clash of clans because that will help in inproving strategies and so on :sweat_smile:
There are many more examples like this but its about my realisations which many wont agree unless they go through those things
So ill keep this short

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