Four days ago, I posted on the first of three problems with every addiction. It is true for PMO addiction, or as I prefer to call it my addiction to lust. Side note: I have found lust to be the real first drink that leads me to view porn, act out by masturbating and finally orgasming.
The first problem is a physical allergy that once I start lusting/edging, I can stop lusting. It is like the first drink for the alcoholic. If I take 1 drink of lust, I cannot stop and I lust more and more until I get drunk and view porn and you know the rest of the story. This is the first part of an addiction, I am different, I cannot afford to start lusting or I will get drunk with porn. It is really important to understand this. It really matters because it means that I am not bad, weak, or evil, I am sick. I have a malady. That is my condition.
Please if you have not read Part 1 - The Tree Problems of Addication, read it now (and leave a comment) and come back here after. Here is the link: Part 1 - Understanding the 3 problems of addiction is essential! - #2 by 24hours24
Now lets go to the next problem.
THE SECOND PROBLEM IS WORSE
The second problem is more serious that the first. It has to do with the mind and how it deceives me into thinking that I can (and should) lust just a little and this time it will be different.
It makes me think that:
- a little bit of lust will not hurt me;
- this time, I can do just this little lusting in my mind, or fantasize just a little and I can stop there.
- If I just think of it, it is not really porn. I am allowed to do this.
- and hundreds of other variations of this.
Those thoughts are not true. They are LIES.
The problem is called: the OBSESSION OF THE MIND. An obsession is a thought that will not leave us alone about something.
Here is the definition: 1) the state of being obsessed with someone or something; 2) an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind. the state of being obsessed with someone or something.
Here is how it works:
- I am sober. I am doing great. I have not lusted, viewed porn or masturbated for a while, maybe a week, a month or a year (this is different for each person).
- I know by experience that I cannot afford to lust,
- but my mind makes me think that I should or that I can do it just a little bit and I will be OK.
- This thought is so powerful, so convincing, so obsessive, that I forget all the pain, all the guilt and shame that I lived last time.
- My mind is focused on how it will make me feel, how it will help me get rid of the stress or boredom I am feeling at the time.
- I think that you can search for an “innocent” image without going too far. That I will be ok if I lust just a little, just one innocent image and I can stop there.
What is really happening is that my mind is convincing me that I do not have an allergy to lust/PMO (problem 1), and that I can just lust a little, because it does something for me that I really like. It’s how I deals with my negative feelings last time and it worked (more on that in part 3 in a few days).
This is based on my experience, and the experience of hundreds of men that I have talked to through out the years. I have personally done this thousands of times.
Because this is so important let me say it again in different words. The story stars with me doing well for some time. Then, I have a hard day and my mind wants me to think of something that will help me. It suggests that I think of this girl, or imagine this beautiful girl, I could focus on her boobs or between her legs, I could play in my mind one of my favorite fantasy about something I remember. I have not done it yet, I am just thinking about it, but I want this. I desire it. I can feel the pull, the need - the obsession is building. I try to fight it. It resist. I try really hard. I try all the strategies (gym, work, connection) but inside it is building. Like a powerful wave, it builds and builds, I know that it is inevitable. I start thinking that I can do just this little bit - just thinking, it is not porn, there is no nudity, if I just look at an image of a girl in a bikini. Just one little look. Then I can stop. I pull my phone, I make sure I am alone and I search for what I am convinced is just one innocent image of a girl in a bikini. That is my problem. My mind is lying to me.
That is the second problem. The obsession of the mind that makes me think that I can lust and view these images, or fantasize and I will be safe. I can just lust a little with impunity (like other people that are not addicted). This is true for me. It is the honest truth of my condition. To say anything else would be to lie.
My brain has a liar that lives in it. When it comes to nudity, girls, lust sex, porn or anything sexual, I lie to myself. Even if I know that I am allergic to these things , it convinces me that I can take just one drink of lust and stop. That is a lie that my obsessive brain tells me every time. And I believe him - everytime, it is the same story. I cannot escape it.
I start with something innocent, an innocent image or thought of a girl. It starts the physical allergy and I am gone, like a slave, I go through the craving/binging cycle again. I stay in PMO for a time, days, weeks or months until I am so disgusted with myself, so exhausted that nothing excites me any more and I stop - fully burned out. Some time later, the liar get me again, and the cycle continues again, and again and again. It also gets worse and worse and worse with time because addiction is progressive.
Am I the only one that lives this? Are you seeing this in your life?
(I will post a little bit more on this in a bit.) I have to go to work