Still hurts. Still overwhelms. Last night was fucked up, I shouted a lot. Gaining a composure is not easy at all.
But I’m going to try again. And now it will be all day. I will keep trying today no matter how much it sucks, even if it kills me. It all can humiliate me, overwhelm me, but it can’t make me quit. I will not quit
I have come a long way. And I’m damn proud of what I’ve done. I’m going to be unbreakable.
Last night was good. I manifested a state of mind that persists and feels good about it. The “self motivation” factor that is inside every human.
My true potential is even bigger. And I can feel it this time.
I’m stronger than this. I will find out a way to fight back and win.
Studied good today. Had faith that I remember everything. Doing this gave me yet another overwhelming psychosomatic response. Massive chest pain. But I got it back to control!! I’m going to do better tomorrow!!
man this anxiety. How long can I sustain this. I don’t know man. I got to sustain it. I need help. This burns in my heart
I’m strong enough to continuously study for long hours now. Or that’s what I’m feeling.
I woke up early today, exercised hard enough and studied hard too. I lost myself off the track and now I’ll be going back to study again. Surprisingly the resistance from inside isn’t that overwhelming. I can do this. I’ll study effectively for 12 hours now!
@_TIGER I’m coming to challenge you!!
Tag me if you want to challenge… put your screenshot…in your diary of make a new post… I am ready for fight… 
I lost yet again. It’s going to take more for me to do it. This anxiety is too much for me to handle. Sorry man
I’m recovering faster. Not as fast as I wanted but looks good enough. Let’s keep moving. I will collect as much information as I can. Cmon man, keep fighting.
I also think my face is glowing. Even more so than before. My heart is calmer and my anxiety is lesser. I think that’s one of the big reasons.
Yesterday I was looking at myself and I was wondering damn maybe my complexion is really golden 
although today I seemed normal again 
That was such a disappointment🤣.
It would be so awesome to have a golden complexion, quite a unique thing to have.
@_TIGER
I want to have a competition tomorrow. Let’s see who studies for more hours. I thought that I need to be ready, but seems like I won’t be ready ever.
I’m 80% sure I’m going to lose. But I want to give my best shot tomorrow. If you’ll ever feel like I’m not worthy to be your opponent, you can be completely honest. Tomorrow will be a tough day as I’m going to fight against the best. But in all the seriousness, I want to fight this. I wish you all the best my friend.
Day 30 again.
My sleep quality has improved since a few days. I was just unable to sleep, even after rigorous exercise. I wasn’t masturbating and it was sort of a drug to help me sleep.
This had been going on since months. Looks like the brain has finally started to adjust to it. I’m glad. I wake up with more energy now. Maybe also the Ashwagandha tablets I’ve been taking has helped.
This took months, but now it’s all good. I’m also adjusting to studying for prolonged hours but I’m nowhere near the legends. I’m really thankful about this. I should keep moving. Less internet consumption, more study hours and a calmer and sharper mind too.
My ADHD is coming to a halt. My brain automatically stays focused on studies, for longer time now. It doesn’t drift away and forget things. My anxiety is going down. My studying is more effective. This was one big issue that was worrying me (and still is worrying me). Took me a year to get to this. I’m hoping that my development will accelerate. After the study issue is solved, there won’t be many things I’ll have to worry about. It will be a breath of fresh air once again. Neuroplasticity is real. One can pull himself out of a situation. That’s for sure.
At this moment I’m feeling free! I’m blissful!! My senses are more acute. I’m living in the moment. I’m feeling naturally more alert!! I’m not perpetually worried or stressed. There is no judgement, about me or about others. I’m just happy within, without any reason at all. I’m not feeling like a pleasure seeking compulsive zombie! I don’t remember when I last felt like this!! This is so awesome!! So awesome!! It’s beautiful!!
Yesterday I had cried out of a repressed memory. Even screamed out loud while tears were flowing down my cheeks. It was the pain of rejection that was slapped onto my face. There’s a lot of healing to be done, and I wonder if it will take years. But I’m hopeful. The mental torment and anger can be used to push ahead too. I still have lots of stuff repressed inside. It’s been 7 years since my downfall had started. I was a 16 year old cocky idiot until reality slapped onto my face. I’d definitely say that what I went through isn’t what most people would face, but maybe I just deserved it. I also remember suicidal thoughts coming up and planning for suicide, yet never having the courage to do so. I remember keeping a event in my mind which was going to remind me that. Yet I had chills through my spine when I witnessed the suicide of my class mate in college. I do hope he’s in a better place now. I’m glad I’m developing a spine to stand up against hard times, yet acknowledging my weaknesses.
Sometimes it’s okay to cry. Let your emotion flow. Wish you the best
yeah I kinda needed to do that. And I know this isn’t going to be my last time to cry. It sure helps
Speaking of which, I went out by my bike at tonight. It was all dark here, because no street lights. It’s all a jungle area and not to mention the thought of tigers terrified me. I did see wild cats though, was going to run onto one. I felt the fear and sort of enjoyed it, because I was feeling it. I don’t remember feeling like this. Although I’m not sure I want to do it again
Yesterday was a bad day. Probably it was the worst day in these months. Past suddenly hit me in the head. Impossible chest pains, felt like I’d die at one point. Couldn’t sleep properly either.
I never felt so weak in these days. I was just one pathetic ass.
Had to contact someone and he told me to chant. I chanted 16 rounds today and it has soothed me a bit.
Even had a fight with my friend. I’m such an asshole. Hopefully we made it up too. Although I have doubts about being as close as before. Maybe it’s better to be alone. I have no idea what will happen between me and my friend. If anything happens again I’m definitely going to leave this unattended.