Nep's diary (in pursuit of being unbreakable)

It’s sad to see you struggling brother. You’re a success story, a role model, an inspiration. Please don’t return to the dark depths of addiction. There’s nothing back there. Keep your eyes fixed on the beautiful journey ahead.

I recently wrote a post about what makes us fall back down after long streaks.

I can’t recommend it enough, please read the EasyPeasy book. Check it out on thebooktoquitporn.com or easypeasymethod.org.

Never forget that you’re a warrior!

3 Likes

I’m none of them my friend.
I’m yet to accomplish what I want.
and I’m sure as hell not a role model. My imperfections come in between to disprove that.

I read your post, and I must say your mother is a great mother. That’s exactly what a parent should do. In my case, my ■■■■ watching and stuff remained hidden, maybe I’m lucky to not get exposed like that.
As for the easypeasy book, I do appreciate your support but it is not meant for me. Not everyone can have same approach.
My main focus now is to carry out this whole upcoming month of September without any fapping.
That’s all I need. I’ve become stronger in resisting chaser effect as well. It’s not perfect of course, but earlier when I had relapsed once I had relapsed around 4-5 times the same day. I held on pretty good this time.
Having all that said I’m still afraid that this addiction will get to me. I’m scared and rightfully so. It’s been a long battle with stress and anxiety. In the last two days it occured to me that I really do have ADHD. The effects of that condition still dwell in my mind. If anything happens, I’ll approach you. I’m hoping there will be no need for this. But we can’t really say anything about future.
Thank you so much for your support. I need to cross this month and I guess it will get easier after that. I’m not giving up easily.

2 Likes

Ah
Back to the old days again when my mind would go dizzy because I’d resist my urges desperately.
I’m actually loving it!!
My rewiring is still in progress! And this time I will conquer more compulsive habits embedded in my mind!
As I’m resisting this urge to fap and building a new pattern again, I’m automatically applying the same model of thought process to other things too! Which includes binging on social media and watching lots and lots of YouTube! This time I’m not replacing one source of “easy dopamine” with another! Maybe this relapse can turn into a new beginning, a blessing in disguise!!

1 Like

I talked a lot today :joy:
For an introvert I sure opened up a lot! I’m still craving for that breath of fresh air!
And barely someone responded to me!! :rofl::rofl:
I’m feeling great because I opened up and talked without being shy!!
Let’s just hope that I’ll be doing this in real world! But I really don’t like small talks. Deep philosophical discussions is where my heart goes. And no time for that! I have to concentrate on my goal! And I will do it!!

4 Likes

Another small accomplishment.
I reduced my heart rate to considerable levels!
I broke out of my anxiety, at least for now!
I can get my self control back!
Oh well now that I wrote about it, the situation is getting out of hand. My anxiety feeling quickly wants to spike up now. But I can stop it. Okay this is a little hard to maintain. But yeah it can be done. I have hope.

4 Likes

You’ll make it :slight_smile: who else will?

1 Like

Nice bro. Keep going. Yeah talking to other people really helps sometimes. It’s nice you tried to initiate conversations here. People like that.

1 Like

You’ll make it too :wink:
And everyone who really wants to achieve something tangible and is working sincerely for it.

I doubt anyone likes me specifically, :rofl:

I’m uncovering new memories. I now recalled a chapter I studied in my 9th I guess, about 2 brothers (betn 11-13 years of age, I’m not sure about the exact ages yet) losing everything in World war 2 but still holding onto hope somehow. Their father died and they spent a few nights hungry and cold. They started shining shoes in Venice (still have my doubts about the city, but it was definitely somewhere in Italy) which is an apt tourist spot. A tourist came to visit there (the narrator of the story) and becomes friends with them. He offers to do something for them, and the younger brother asks him to take them to a hospital(older one snaps at him, but later says “fine”). Where he sees a young woman with strong resemblance to them (their elder sister), and she has some chronic disease. But she’s making a recovery. Oh now I also remember that their father was a singer, and the sister also has some singing talent. The brothers, while homeless now were in hope that their sister will recover will be able to sing someday. They insisted the hospital to take her there. And they’ve been working extremely hard for stuff. Now that I look at it, seems such a nice story. I still can’t recall everything. My brain had shut off almost everything in the past. Maybe due to the things I went through. I guess healing is still in progress. I can recall without being much stressed as well. Nice to know there are some good memories too. With this recalling of the story I was also feeling the ease of remembering I had in the past.
It seems like the tensed ropes in my head are slacking down a little. I can do better. Because this is still not enough.

2 Likes

Oh well I also recall a “novel” being added to our syllabus. In 9th it was Gulliver’s travels. And he went to 4 such awkward places. First where he’s super big, second where everyone actually is super big (he’s the Lilliput there), 3rd I can’t recall but people had their heads tilted, and 4th where horses were the masters of hairy human like creatures (yahoo) and Gulliver was obviously a yahoo but with less hair. The yahoos ate rotten raw meat. And had compulsive habits of collecting stones and burrying them underground. In the end Gulliver even develops a disgust towards yahoo and humans in general. He couldn’t bear their smell and won’t eat in the vessels touched by his wife/kids. Didn’t like the smell when his wife kissed him after finally arriving home.
I was not really happy when these additional things were added to syllabus for the first time.
In 10th we had to study Helen Keller’s story. And she definitely was someone highly resilient. Although I still wonder how could she learn piano when she was totally deaf :thinking:
I recall my crush too. The feelings got fresh. I used to look at her continually during lectures. I used to get very happy for being paired with her on certain occasions. Never heard from her for so many years. I wonder where she is. She doesn’t seem really attractive to me now.

1 Like

May be you need to learn bit of people skill. There is way to deal with people. I had same difficulty in my College days. I am still introvert. But now I can make friends if I want to.

It’s give and take. If you want someone to talk to you then you have to talk to them and initiate conversation. If you will be alone doing your work not to try to have conversation then no one is going to come to you even you’re a genius.

Also, People like themselves the most. If you complement someone they will like you. If you straight away tells them something bad about them they won’t like you.

These are truths and it’s how this works. Some people choose not to socialize. They feel following social protocol isn’t worth of their time. So you will gain more time but you have to pay the price for it.

If you genuinely want to be more sociable and don’t know how to I would recommend reading

How to Win and Influence people by Dale Carnegie.

If you fine with having less social interaction then you are already good.

1 Like

I’m definitely one of them.
A part of personality problem.
I always want people I can connect deeply with.
Superficial things are not that attractive to me.
Over the years of course I’ve learned to interact with people. I’m still awkward in many situations.
But I think I’m quite good with words if given a chance. And that’s a rare occasion which leaves me exhausted. After that I can’t deal with shit anymore.

2 Likes

Even he refused to give up.
What’s my excuse now?

4 Likes

I yesterday found a newly hatched butterfly
Too bad I found it after the hatching was done.
It was struggling to fly. Sort of like too exhausted to do anything. I was wondering how long it took before flying. (The object highlighted within blue is the cocoon)
I was in awe when I saw it.

The cocoon is still there

4 Likes

Generally it takes time for them to gather enough energy to fly. They have to literally hatch from that cocoon to come out and it wears them out.

But never ever help a butterfly by opening its cocoon for them, they will surely die afterwards. The struggle of emerging from cocoon is required for them to survive in this world. Much like ourselves. The struggles helps us grow and I think its common in Nature.

2 Likes

Oh
Good to know. I was worried that maybe it has hurt itself. Not like I could do anything to help at that point of course

Awesome! Now I can relate my struggles to it! :joy:
Sadly I couldn’t watch it coming out. I noticed when it was out.

1 Like

Yeah same here :laughing: After seeing the image and thinking about it I suddenly could relate it with my struggles so I typed it out.

1 Like

The psychosomatic response is still overwhelming. Good thing it doesn’t cause me fever anymore. But it is still overwhelming, and can possibly cause me fever if I stay there too long.

@_TIGER my man. You said that one thing and it has consumed me.
I will not give up. Sooner or later I will conquer my insecurities. Completely.

4 Likes

18 days done. back to the star league again.
I do not need to worry about nofap again. I can go through the day.
Hopefully I’ll conquer my other problem and I will destroy it once and for all :wink:

3 Likes