Day 30 again.
My sleep quality has improved since a few days. I was just unable to sleep, even after rigorous exercise. I wasn’t masturbating and it was sort of a drug to help me sleep.
This had been going on since months. Looks like the brain has finally started to adjust to it. I’m glad. I wake up with more energy now. Maybe also the Ashwagandha tablets I’ve been taking has helped.
This took months, but now it’s all good. I’m also adjusting to studying for prolonged hours but I’m nowhere near the legends. I’m really thankful about this. I should keep moving. Less internet consumption, more study hours and a calmer and sharper mind too.
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My ADHD is coming to a halt. My brain automatically stays focused on studies, for longer time now. It doesn’t drift away and forget things. My anxiety is going down. My studying is more effective. This was one big issue that was worrying me (and still is worrying me). Took me a year to get to this. I’m hoping that my development will accelerate. After the study issue is solved, there won’t be many things I’ll have to worry about. It will be a breath of fresh air once again. Neuroplasticity is real. One can pull himself out of a situation. That’s for sure.
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At this moment I’m feeling free! I’m blissful!! My senses are more acute. I’m living in the moment. I’m feeling naturally more alert!! I’m not perpetually worried or stressed. There is no judgement, about me or about others. I’m just happy within, without any reason at all. I’m not feeling like a pleasure seeking compulsive zombie! I don’t remember when I last felt like this!! This is so awesome!! So awesome!! It’s beautiful!!
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Yesterday I had cried out of a repressed memory. Even screamed out loud while tears were flowing down my cheeks. It was the pain of rejection that was slapped onto my face. There’s a lot of healing to be done, and I wonder if it will take years. But I’m hopeful. The mental torment and anger can be used to push ahead too. I still have lots of stuff repressed inside. It’s been 7 years since my downfall had started. I was a 16 year old cocky idiot until reality slapped onto my face. I’d definitely say that what I went through isn’t what most people would face, but maybe I just deserved it. I also remember suicidal thoughts coming up and planning for suicide, yet never having the courage to do so. I remember keeping a event in my mind which was going to remind me that. Yet I had chills through my spine when I witnessed the suicide of my class mate in college. I do hope he’s in a better place now. I’m glad I’m developing a spine to stand up against hard times, yet acknowledging my weaknesses.
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Sometimes it’s okay to cry. Let your emotion flow. Wish you the best
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yeah I kinda needed to do that. And I know this isn’t going to be my last time to cry. It sure helps
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Speaking of which, I went out by my bike at tonight. It was all dark here, because no street lights. It’s all a jungle area and not to mention the thought of tigers terrified me. I did see wild cats though, was going to run onto one. I felt the fear and sort of enjoyed it, because I was feeling it. I don’t remember feeling like this. Although I’m not sure I want to do it again 
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Yesterday was a bad day. Probably it was the worst day in these months. Past suddenly hit me in the head. Impossible chest pains, felt like I’d die at one point. Couldn’t sleep properly either.
I never felt so weak in these days. I was just one pathetic ass.
Had to contact someone and he told me to chant. I chanted 16 rounds today and it has soothed me a bit.
Even had a fight with my friend. I’m such an asshole. Hopefully we made it up too. Although I have doubts about being as close as before. Maybe it’s better to be alone. I have no idea what will happen between me and my friend. If anything happens again I’m definitely going to leave this unattended.
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That pain was probably to change my mentality. I’m feeling much more better and wiser at the moment. I’m not irritated with rude comments, and I’m finding a way to dismantle them calmly. I thought this is my emotional instability, and it is definitely going to happen again. Is this what people find at the end of their withdrawal symptoms?
The pain was definitely unbearable but if it changes me like this I’d definitely love to have it again.
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Had a fire take off so violently just outside of my house. My mother screamed my name to help her put it out. That was scary. We succeeded. The neighbor lady was pissed because her car was there. Although she did nothing to help and simply kept shouting on us. I had enough lol. I shouted back. So did my mum😂. And she didn’t scold me for misbehaving with the elders.
And then I look at my arms. My hair got burned. Not to mention I had to move some heavy stuff and even if I work out my arms feel like they’re done for.
This is the first in a long time where I had such adrenaline inside me. And now I’m feeling awesome. Fortunately there was no damage involved and certainly no loss of life. My mum was badly scared and I was alone out there wondering what to do. But I managed well.
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But why was there a fire out?
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Yeah well she was trying to burn some trash. And there’s been dead tree. It was a hot afternoon and the dead tree had been without any moisture. It just happened suddenly.
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Went out at night again. The thought of tigers is scary. Although they are equally afraid of humans here as well. But yeah the thought still puts chill through your spine. Being alone on an empty road at night, but of course I was on my bike. I went racing at 90 kmph. Couldn’t hit the 100 mark.
I didn’t see any tigers but I did see a lot of wild cats again. They kinda look funny, like cartoons 
but still cute and deadly. Not to mention still dangerous in spite of their small size. I also saw foxes. But I’m yet to figure out what color they are and what exactly do they look like. But they’re damn cute too. Also they’re a lot smaller than a pet dog (well chihuahuas are probably smaller than them) but yet seem sort of cuddly like a teddy bear. But I’m never touching them lol.
I’m not into pets and animals in general but yeah I do love nature. It’s nice to see various species around. Birds too. Been watching various types of kingfishers, and a red headed parrot, also once saw a white peacock in front of me going in front of me like a damn king. And a type of flightless bird who do run damn fast. They’re as big as a chicken if not smaller. Once I was going to run over a crab who was slowly walking sideways on the damn road 
. Good thing I didn’t do that.
Oh and I also think I saw a vulture. Vultures have been very rare sight for years. I don’t know what species was it, but of course they’re damn endangered.
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Well it’s a road through the forest. That’s how I calm my mind sometimes. I just came back from there. It’s a long lonely road. There are several such roads of course. This is where I come from http://www.penchnationalpark.in/
I don’t exactly live at this spot, because the forest is quite big. I live in a less famous area.
Also there has been a substantial increase in the population of tigers here. Which were endangered species once.
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this is something quite interesting. Been loving the ancient engineering designs a lot. People always say that humans during those times were of low IQ. Clearly that’s not the case. They simply made the good use of whatever techniques were available back then. And there are some remarkable feats that have been achieved by ancient scientists and engineers.
Cooling without the use of electricity. If we take these things in the modern world it can reduce carbon emission. Maybe it won’t be a lot. Still it’s better than nothing.
One of my most favourite engineering marvels in the ancient world is the water engineering. Ancient people definitely had sound knowledge of hydraulics and water management in general. There’s this thing called as “hydraulic empire” demonstrating what they call as “water economy”. I just love it all!
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This is the next stage of degeneracy. The first stage was playboy magazines, second stage was easily available pornography.
This is a possible future guys. We as the responsible global citizens, need to take steps against it.
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This ain’t any future. It is happening right now…
The whole world is revolving around sexual stuffs and want us as slaves of it…
Its definitely our responsibility to change it, and the first step we can take is to be free ourselves.
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