War With The Demons (The Battle For My Soul )

Diary
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Just PMO’ed 13 times Within 3 days, And then realized how bad things had become, I’m an Addict, and Addictions ruins Lives, how did I go from a God Fearing Lover of Jesus Christ to one that Masturbated 13 times within 3 days? How did I get so Desensitized to Lust, to the point were there’s no shock or fear, it started with a Look, and has resulted in this.

Long story short, I started PMO aged 16, 2015, I then became the guy below,

University (2015 - 2019)

Was a guy with aspirations to be the best graduating student, class of 2019, Even envisioned my self giving the graduation speech.

Missed classes due to PMO’ing all night till 4, 5am in the morning, then sleeping for like 3 hours.

Became extremely socially awkward, to the point where I had to go out Late at Night to buy food, not wanting anyone to see my Face.

Some times at night, after PMO’ing all day, I look at the Sign Posters on coffee shops and diners, and the words written are all blur, even some times it got worst I couldn’t see people’s faces from a distance as it’s totally blurred.

Apartment was mostly left untidy, while I PMO’ed and all day, weak and Lethergic not wanting to do anything else.

Junk Food was the order of the Day, as mostly after PMO’ing, Sad and depressed, I order Junk foods and Watch Webseries, it got to a point where I literally Fainted upon getting up from Sleep and reaching for the toilet, this happened on 2 occasions, God had mercy on me as I didn’t hit my head on Hard concrete, that would have been another Story.

Personal hygiene was at its worst, as some days I won’t shower or brush, some times even 2 Days, Just PMO’ing,

Had to go to school Sometimes with a bloated face and red eyes most times, due to Lack of proper Sleep, and PMoing all Night, accompanied with Junk foods, and Lack of proper Hydration.

What is Confidence and self esteem to one that PMO’es all day?, Integrity and Self Confidence @ 0 Level

Had to take make-up exams, because i couldn’t study, just PMO’ing and Gaming all day, and had to Lie to the Profs, that I was sick, on countless occasions.

Poor communication with project teammates due to just been to socially awkward, resulting in bad grades on countless projects.

Completed a graduation project with months of allocated time, within just a few days, because of Procastination/PMO’ing all day, and as you will expect had bad grades from the projects.

As of this writing, my photo is Not present on the Graduated Students album , Due to lack of Interest to Life and severe Social isolation and poor communication with Course Mates, and Advisors, due to PMOing all day, and been numbed to Life and Reality.

As Strange as this would sound, Never attended any social gathering, organized by school or Even Presently.

Had no friends in school, even now total Friends @0

School is one of the Places where Long and Lasting Beautiful Memories Are Built, I have nothing interesting to Talk about School, or Any Beautiful Memories to Recall and Smile about.

Didn’t attend my own graduation, and watched it online, due to Just not interested in life, and not wanting to be in a Social Gathering, Watched as the best graduating student gave his speech, and then it all came flooding back, all the aspirations I had, to numb the feeling of disappointment, I probably PMO’ed that night.

Fast Forward 2 Years Later,

Suffering from a Chronic back pain, since mid 2016, which has gotten worst, I’m certain there is a direct or Indirect Connection to This and PMO’ing, as I’ve read Countless similar stories.

Currently Jobless, with no plan for the Future, as the Mind is completely Numbed to Life.

Just PMO’ed 13 times Within 72 hours, and can feel the numbness from deep within, as life has become Meaningless.

Estimated time PMOing Since 2015 till now, are Probably 6000+ hours, of precious seconds.

Everything you’ve Read is My Life UnFiltered and Uncencored.

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you got this bro
I can feel what you’ve been through. Especially the numbness of the mind, no desire to live life and no hobbies and interests.
you’ll pull out of this. beyond this pain and suffering when you feel that you’re hitting the breaking point there’s a freedom that would make you love your life. I’m striving for the same and I know it’s real because I’ve felt the spark of it before

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First time I’ve written these, Just Needed to let it all out.

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You have been through a lot bro. This fucking addiction is the most dangerous epidemic in this world right now. But, if you are a cocaine addict or tobbacco addict, people accept that you are having a problem and will decide to help but people are keeping a blind eye to pmo. Everyone, especially the young people consider it as totally normal. But in reality it is even worse than all those substance addictions.
I can relate to your story man; a lot. We are together in this. We still have many more years in front of us. Keep the faith and we will kill this addiction! We deserve to be happy man; we deserve greatness in life. By being accountable to each other we will take it one day at a time. We will win bro

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Brother. Don’t feel sad. You have joined the best platform with best person who had Same or even worse years then you.
I know after pmo ing so many years you just feel life is empty is shit but don’t worry from now on you will change your life.
Message me personally

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Day 1

The Journey of A Thousand Miles, Begins with a Single Step.

Did some Cleaning and Laundry, as all my Stuff had been Dirty, and Untidy For a while,
Spoke with my dad on phone, he could sense I was down, and gave me some words of encouragement, Thanks Dad, I really needed to hear those words, It’s time to Grow Up and be The Son You’ve always Dreamed Of.

Still feeling extremely Weak, and Disoriented, Having a Headache and Feeling sick Now, it will all be Over soon

Stepped out to get some Groceries For the first time In 3 days.

Ready to Face Any thing life has to Offer, Ready to Resensitize Myself back to the Realities of life,
Ready to be knocked Down by Life Over and Over again, and Keep coming back Up, Without having to Numb my self or Try to Forget the Pain or Problems, Through Addictions, No More trying to escape Reality, Time To Face Reality.

When You want Something as bad As you want to Breathe, You’ll achieve it.

FREEDOM, This is What I want from the Depts Of My Soul.
I’M Tired Of Not Being in Control of My Life, I’m Tired of Being a Slave to PMO.

DAY 1 :white_check_mark:

Sat 5th June 2021, 05:41am.

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Thanks @Nep_12 , @Sergeant, @Strong_one, Much Appreciate your Words Of Encouragement, a community of Like Minded Individuals, Accountable to each other is One of the Major Keys to Overcome This. Thanks again guys.

Code is : fjlqh6

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Relapse Report

Back To Day 0, after 26 Days.
Events Leading to the Relapse, Lessons Learnt, and How Future Occurances Could Be Prevented.

The Chain Reaction That Finally resulted in A relapse, started from Day 1, I had no definite plan, Just out of a relapse Frustration, in combination with a Really Messed up Life, and Regret from a Hellish binge Session that Lasted 6 Long Months, I made a commitment To quit PMO Forever, and Shamefully couldn’t Make it to Even a Month.

Within the Last 26 days, I did Absolutely nothing productive i could point out to, I Just Literally tried to distract my self from PMO, with Music, Games, Movies, Social Media, At around Day 14, I Started allowing and Feeding Lustful Thoughts and Fantasies on Past Porn Scenes,

On Day 24, While I was Scouting For Motivational Post on Pinterest, I realized that the algorithm, started showing me more Images of Female Soldiers, although they were all fully dressed, but they Made seductive Poses, then after some time, I got really tired of this and started to hide these images and Click the don’t recommend, in the process of doing this, I mistakenly clicked on a couple of images, which then made the algorithm to start showing even more daring images, this time it started to display random women with seductive Clothing, and some even Half Neaked, I had Finally had enough, and Literally deleted the account, after that, another Lust and Fantasy session started, this lasted for some time, shortly before sleep, the result of that was a Wet Dream at Night,

Finally Day 26 - Day 27(29th - 30th June) I went to sleep early between 9:30pm. And 10, only to wake up at Past 12am, Not feeling like going back to sleep, it was a moment of Idleness, Midnight, Not feeling sleepy with Nothing to do, I picked up my phone, and went Back on Pinterest scrolling through the Motivational Posts, Just to Past time, I knew there was a potential that I will come across triggering images, But I literally Told my self “No matter what I see, I will Never PMO again”, as you would expect after a while those seductive images started showing up again, I kept scrolling through these images, This was the moment to Flee, to prevent a possible build up, I didn’t Flee, been to Over Confident, I choose to stay there, and kept on scrolling through These images, the sleep that was trying to return instantly disappeared, dopamine has started to flow, the Train had started Moving, it got to a point where I literally started to click on these images, knowing fully well the algorithm will show even More Seductive Images, and as I did the algorithm started to show even more daring and seductive images, I then said to my self, “well since I’ve done this(Consciously clicked on seductive images), I might as well keep looking, and this time even make Searches”, I told my self “well you are just acting on lust, and are still in control.”

I started Making Searches like Hot workouts, twerk videos, I started to see these images and at this point also short video of girls working out, I also started to watch ladies twerking with seductive Clothing, I still said to my self, “No Matter What I will Not PMO” after that I proceeded to YouTube, and started searching for twerking videos I literally stayed watching a twerking video for over 10minutes, at this point, I had a rock hard erection, I then went and turned off the restricted Mode, to see even more graphic videos, at this point I started to see some Models half nude, twerking, I then made a decision to call it soft Porn, and Still determined that I will Never,
go to Porn sites or PMO ever, after a short while, I proceeded to Instagram, the funny thing is, I don’t use Instagram, and I don’t have an account, I literally created an account, after that I went straight way to search For Models, Started viewing the Pages and Images of these Half Neaked Women, I felt “since I’ve called it soft porn, I might as well go see more soft porn”, it went on and on, clicking and clicking and then from semi nude to Full nude, and even short porn clips, at this point, guilt started setting in, the Feeling of you’ve gone too far to back out, This could no longer be called soft porn, You are Literally watching Pornography.

Strangely I still said to my self, “since I’m not on porn sites, I will not call this pornography” and still choosed to call it soft Pornography, it now became a contention between Over confidence and Guilt, I kept watching and watching until the Rock hard erection Literally shrinked, I then noticed some Semen Leakage, I finally admitted to my self, I’ve watch pornography, but still told my self, no Matter What I will not Masturbate, I then proceeded to full blown Porn on Reddit, I knew at this point the deed had already been done, I finally realized I’ve gone Too Far, after watching a few, I finally proceeded to Pornograpic sites. What started as seductive images, led to erotic images, leading to Nude images and Finally Pornography videos, then at around 7am, Finally Masturbation, Seconds After, Came the sad realization of how pointless the act was, then Regret followed, Frustration Followed, Disappointment followed, This Pattern Just Never Changes, But for some Reason, I’ve Failed to Learn This. What Started at Past 12am Finally ended Past 7am, 7+ Hours of Surfing Aimlessly, only to end in Frustration, Sadness, Shame, Regret, and the Feeling Of More Emptiness, and A sleepless Night, All for absolutely Nothing.

It’s Funny How for a split second, you forget all the commitment, all Challenges, all the post you’ve made, all the post You’ve Bookmarked, all the Negative Emotions From past relapses, and Trade all these for The Anticipation(The Need to Keep Seeking More) and A few seconds of Thrill and Sensation.

I realized something, it was like I was chasing a desire and not acting upon the need to fulfil a desire, because I didn’t have a single Urge, but strangely I wanted to feel something, Anything, that’s why subconsciously, I put my self in a potentially triggering event, so as to create the urge to feel something, even though I was Consciously Scrolling through motivational posts, deep down, my mind was looking for something else.This Makes me question my self sometimes, if am truly, Deeply ready to change, I feel deep down I truly want nothing to do with this, but for some reason, I Subconsciously and sometimes Consciously place my self in Potentially triggering situations.

Then came another Realization, I think I’ve finally pieced together the Missing Part of this Puzzle, I’ve been blaming the addiction and not my self for being Addicted to it.
I’ve finally realized, after 6 Long years of Playing The Victim, PMO, is not the Problem, I am the Problem, PMO, has Never For Once Come to Me, I’ve always either Consciously or Subconsciously Gone to it, i choosed to seek it, I gave it the Power it had over me, I’ve been blaming it for how messed up my life is, but in reality, it was I who messed up my life and PMO was one of the Tools I used.

Red Flags

1.Had no definite plan, and didn’t work on building good habits, Discipline and Productivity.
2.Started allowing and Feeding Lustful Thoughts and Fantasies on Porn Scenes.
3.Surfing Through social Media, While idle, with no definite Aim.
4. Had no blockers or Restriction to Social Media Apps/Sites, Felt they were not needed, due to Overconfidence.

Changes Made to Prevent Future Occurances

  1. Installed Stay Focused app, and Blocked over 50 Sites and Over 400 Search words. Activated Strict Mode, To Prevent Uninstalling or Changing settings, To Expire on 31st December 2021, New Sites/ Keywords can be added to block , but once added, Can’t be removed, blocked all Intrusive ads, on Mobile Using dns.adguard.

  2. All Browsers and Play Store app Blocked between 12pm and 3pm(3 Hrs), 7:00pm and 7:00am(12 Hrs) to prevent access to internet, and installation of new apps, Using Stay Focused app, Strict Mode Activated.

  3. Installed Lock Me Out App, and Set Phone to Lock At 10pm to Unlock 6am, Secured with a password of 500 Words to reduce the likelihood of Disabling or Uninstalling, took a screenshot of the Password written on Paper and Discarded the Hardcopy, Password exist Presently inside the Phone Alone.

  4. No Social Media App/Site(Exception of WhatsApp alone)
    Facebook(No Account), Tiktok (No Account), Twitter (No Account), Pinterest (Deleted Account), Instagram (Deleted Account), Snapchat(No Account), Reddit(Temporary), YouTube (Temporary),
    YouTube and Reddit Temporary Suspended for atleast 91 Days. To be Regulated afterwards.

  5. Came across an extremely powerful and Useful browser, Pluckeye, it does not display images, or Load videos, will be used to make NoPMO related Research and Majority of all internet Related activities.

  6. Installed Quostodio Protection on PC, which Automatically blocks All uncategorised/Inappropriate Sites, and Monitor all Activities on PC, Defined Pc time between 9am - 12pm & 3pm - 6pm, Every other Time The PC is automatically Logged off and Cannot be accessed , daily PC usage Limit at 6Hrs, after that session is terminated. also added Stay Focused and FocusMe Browser Extensions, and adblockPlus to block all Intrusive ads.

  7. All access to the Internet Completely blocked From 12pm - 3pm and 10pm - 6am.

  8. No Movies(Temporary), TV(Temporary) Music Videos(Temporary), For atleast 91 Days, To be Regulated Afterwards.

  9. Recorded a 30 Minutes Audio of every Emotions felt, to be Played every day for atleast 91Days.

  10. Plan to Read the No PMO TODAY Affirmations Made, Everyday for atleast 91Days.

  11. Close attention to Thought Processes and work on preventing a Chain of Lustful thought Patterns, and Also slowly work towards Completely eleminating Lust and Porn induced Fantasies.

  12. Analyze This report Everyday for atleast 91 Days

A Few Realizations

  1. Over Confidence and Guilt, are 2 emotions to avoid as both will lead to a deeper state of despair.
  2. It only takes 1 Step in the wrong direction to make it to a Point of No Return.
  3. No such thing as Soft Porn, once you’ve made this distinction, the Relapse has already Happened.
  4. Honesty always and Take full responsibility for Your Actions.
  5. Leave no room For Grey Areas, Make a clear definition of what you Call A relapse.
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1, 3, 7, 9, 10, 15, 21, 24, 40, 50, 55, 61, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 79, 82, 88, 100.

When you take The Enemy For Granted, You’re payed
a Surprise, Don’t Fear the Enemy, But Make no Mistake to Underestimate The Enemy.

Warfare : Day 1

In God We Trust.
(30 Aug 2022)

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1🏁, 3, 7, 9, 10, 15, 21, 24, 40, 50, 55, 61, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 79, 82, 88, 100.

When you dabble With Fire For Long Enough, It’s Only A Matter of Time Before You Get Burnt.

Warfare : Day 2

In God We Trust.
(31 Aug 2022)

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1🏁, 3🏁, 7, 9, 10, 15, 21, 24, 40, 50, 55, 61, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 79, 82, 88, 100.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places : eph 6:12

Warfare : Day 5

In God We Trust.
(3rd Sept 2022)

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1🏁, 3🏁, 7🏁, 9, 10, 15, 21, 24, 40, 50, 55, 61, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 79, 82, 88, 100.

And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her. Eccl 7:26

Warfare : Day 13

In God We Trust.
(11th Sept 2022)

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Wow man same story with me i alsoo was so socially scared this shit makes u crazy. Thank god we found this. And much luck with ur journey my brother

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1🏁, 3🏁, 7🏁, 9🏁, 10, 15, 21, 24, 40, 50, 55, 61, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 79, 82, 88, 100.

The Battle is Lost Once Sight is Taken Off From Day 1 Or Day X.

Warfare : Day 21

In God We Trust.
(19th Sept 2022)

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1🏁, 3🏁, 7🏁, 9🏁, 10🏁, 15, 21, 24, 40, 50, 55, 61, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 79, 82, 88, 100.

Abstain From All Appearance Of Evil. 1Thess 5:22.

Warfare : Day 31

In God We Trust.
(29th Sept 2022)

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1🏁, 3🏁, 7🏁, 9🏁, 10🏁, 15🏁, 21, 24, 40, 50, 55, 61, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 79, 82, 88, 100.

Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings. Prov 31 : 3

Warfare : Day 46

In God We Trust.
(14th Oct 2022)

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I see myself in your story.

This addiction started when I was 11 years old. I am now 24. 13 years wasting my time with this. 13 years…

I had a goal, which was to become a pharmacist. This addiction made me procrastinate like you. I failed with my grades and couldn’t get into pharmacy school. This crushed me. I didn’t want to do anything. I was severely depressed. I was socially awkward and I had severe anxiety when talking to anyone. It took all my energy to get out of bed. I was completely numb and had suicidal thoughts. My numbness went on for years, and it’s still there…

I forced myself to go to the gym after graduating (20yo). And it helped me so much. I used to fall from time to time, but it was less frequent.

The thing that helped me the most is my return to God. During these 13 years, I never thought about God. I am a Christian and never realized how far I was from Him. It just clicked in my head one day. I decided to go back into reading the Bible and attend the Church.

Since then I’ve been doing a lot better. Going with 30+ days streaks is easier than it was in the past.

My point is: you’re not alone. There are others here who went through the same path as you. So many of us failed with our goals, or don’t even have goals. But we must keep going.

When depressed it seems like nothing will change. It seems like life will never get better or is meaningless. But that’s not true. I realized this when I came back to my faith. Seek God and you shall receive. But remember that we can’t expect God to do all the work. We must put our own efforts into this. Your efforts and God’s help together are what will change your life.

I’m still numb. And that’s expected since I’ve been addicted for so long. But let me tell you that at 43 days in my streak, I felt something. It was comfortable. I had tears in my eyes. It happened very briefly, but I felt something. I think it was happiness. I just couldn’t believe it. My streak was not in vain. Finally I felt something after all these years. I’m back to being numb, but I believe that these events will happen more and more once you go further in your streak. Until you get your feelings back completely.

As a depressed person, I fully understand you. But you have to make a move. Anything. You can try going to the gym. Or if it is too uncomfortable, try doing some training at home (and later on go to the gym). You can even start learning a new skill (programming, new language). Or even read a book. Remember: start slowly. 1% per week at most. You don’t have to drastically change your routine at once. If you do so I assure you the next week you’ll be back to your old routine. Just implement new things to your routine at a slow pace. I know you are not interested in doing this. But you must. One thing at a time.

Additionally, you must have some time every day to read the Bible. You don’t have to read for hours. Start with 1 page per day. Don’t just read for the sake of reading. Try to understand His words. Just a 5-10 minutes reading everyday. Trust me, it will help you.

I understand that some days are harder than others. In such times, you must turn to God and seek His help. Pray to Him, and appreciate His wisdom in the Bible. Keep working and think of God in your efforts.

If you need help, feel free to contact me.

God be with you.

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1🏁, 3🏁, 7🏁, 9🏁, 10🏁, 15🏁, 21🏁, 24, 40, 50, 55, 61, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 79, 82, 88, 100.

Who are You when No one is Watching?

Warfare : Day 67

In God We Trust.
(4th Nov 2022)

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hi @TonyTheChristian @anon40571799 @EscavonFritz @anon67854825 @drago ,

I saw that you are christians. What me really helped, to become free of this adiction, is stated above in this post. But I recieved it in more detail, with coaching from Setting Captives Free its a christian website.

In which you have a Purity Bootcamp (of 30 or 90 days) in which you get a free coach. its all free :moneybag: The don’t want to earn money, the just want to help you follow Jezus and be free of this adiction.

But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. [Romans 6:17-18]

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Thank you for this suggestion abiq. I will definitely check this out.

God bless you

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