Back To Day 0, after 26 Days.
Events Leading to the Relapse, Lessons Learnt, and How Future Occurances Could Be Prevented.
The Chain Reaction That Finally resulted in A relapse, started from Day 1, I had no definite plan, Just out of a relapse Frustration, in combination with a Really Messed up Life, and Regret from a Hellish binge Session that Lasted 6 Long Months, I made a commitment To quit PMO Forever, and Shamefully couldn’t Make it to Even a Month.
Within the Last 26 days, I did Absolutely nothing productive i could point out to, I Just Literally tried to distract my self from PMO, with Music, Games, Movies, Social Media, At around Day 14, I Started allowing and Feeding Lustful Thoughts and Fantasies on Past Porn Scenes,
On Day 24, While I was Scouting For Motivational Post on Pinterest, I realized that the algorithm, started showing me more Images of Female Soldiers, although they were all fully dressed, but they Made seductive Poses, then after some time, I got really tired of this and started to hide these images and Click the don’t recommend, in the process of doing this, I mistakenly clicked on a couple of images, which then made the algorithm to start showing even more daring images, this time it started to display random women with seductive Clothing, and some even Half Neaked, I had Finally had enough, and Literally deleted the account, after that, another Lust and Fantasy session started, this lasted for some time, shortly before sleep, the result of that was a Wet Dream at Night,
Finally Day 26 - Day 27(29th - 30th June) I went to sleep early between 9:30pm. And 10, only to wake up at Past 12am, Not feeling like going back to sleep, it was a moment of Idleness, Midnight, Not feeling sleepy with Nothing to do, I picked up my phone, and went Back on Pinterest scrolling through the Motivational Posts, Just to Past time, I knew there was a potential that I will come across triggering images, But I literally Told my self “No matter what I see, I will Never PMO again”, as you would expect after a while those seductive images started showing up again, I kept scrolling through these images, This was the moment to Flee, to prevent a possible build up, I didn’t Flee, been to Over Confident, I choose to stay there, and kept on scrolling through These images, the sleep that was trying to return instantly disappeared, dopamine has started to flow, the Train had started Moving, it got to a point where I literally started to click on these images, knowing fully well the algorithm will show even More Seductive Images, and as I did the algorithm started to show even more daring and seductive images, I then said to my self, “well since I’ve done this(Consciously clicked on seductive images), I might as well keep looking, and this time even make Searches”, I told my self “well you are just acting on lust, and are still in control.”
I started Making Searches like Hot workouts, twerk videos, I started to see these images and at this point also short video of girls working out, I also started to watch ladies twerking with seductive Clothing, I still said to my self, “No Matter What I will Not PMO” after that I proceeded to YouTube, and started searching for twerking videos I literally stayed watching a twerking video for over 10minutes, at this point, I had a rock hard erection, I then went and turned off the restricted Mode, to see even more graphic videos, at this point I started to see some Models half nude, twerking, I then made a decision to call it soft Porn, and Still determined that I will Never,
go to Porn sites or PMO ever, after a short while, I proceeded to Instagram, the funny thing is, I don’t use Instagram, and I don’t have an account, I literally created an account, after that I went straight way to search For Models, Started viewing the Pages and Images of these Half Neaked Women, I felt “since I’ve called it soft porn, I might as well go see more soft porn”, it went on and on, clicking and clicking and then from semi nude to Full nude, and even short porn clips, at this point, guilt started setting in, the Feeling of you’ve gone too far to back out, This could no longer be called soft porn, You are Literally watching Pornography.
Strangely I still said to my self, “since I’m not on porn sites, I will not call this pornography” and still choosed to call it soft Pornography, it now became a contention between Over confidence and Guilt, I kept watching and watching until the Rock hard erection Literally shrinked, I then noticed some Semen Leakage, I finally admitted to my self, I’ve watch pornography, but still told my self, no Matter What I will not Masturbate, I then proceeded to full blown Porn on Reddit, I knew at this point the deed had already been done, I finally realized I’ve gone Too Far, after watching a few, I finally proceeded to Pornograpic sites. What started as seductive images, led to erotic images, leading to Nude images and Finally Pornography videos, then at around 7am, Finally Masturbation, Seconds After, Came the sad realization of how pointless the act was, then Regret followed, Frustration Followed, Disappointment followed, This Pattern Just Never Changes, But for some Reason, I’ve Failed to Learn This. What Started at Past 12am Finally ended Past 7am, 7+ Hours of Surfing Aimlessly, only to end in Frustration, Sadness, Shame, Regret, and the Feeling Of More Emptiness, and A sleepless Night, All for absolutely Nothing.
It’s Funny How for a split second, you forget all the commitment, all Challenges, all the post you’ve made, all the post You’ve Bookmarked, all the Negative Emotions From past relapses, and Trade all these for The Anticipation(The Need to Keep Seeking More) and A few seconds of Thrill and Sensation.
I realized something, it was like I was chasing a desire and not acting upon the need to fulfil a desire, because I didn’t have a single Urge, but strangely I wanted to feel something, Anything, that’s why subconsciously, I put my self in a potentially triggering event, so as to create the urge to feel something, even though I was Consciously Scrolling through motivational posts, deep down, my mind was looking for something else.This Makes me question my self sometimes, if am truly, Deeply ready to change, I feel deep down I truly want nothing to do with this, but for some reason, I Subconsciously and sometimes Consciously place my self in Potentially triggering situations.
Then came another Realization, I think I’ve finally pieced together the Missing Part of this Puzzle, I’ve been blaming the addiction and not my self for being Addicted to it.
I’ve finally realized, after 6 Long years of Playing The Victim, PMO, is not the Problem, I am the Problem, PMO, has Never For Once Come to Me, I’ve always either Consciously or Subconsciously Gone to it, i choosed to seek it, I gave it the Power it had over me, I’ve been blaming it for how messed up my life is, but in reality, it was I who messed up my life and PMO was one of the Tools I used.
1.Had no definite plan, and didn’t work on building good habits, Discipline and Productivity.
2.Started allowing and Feeding Lustful Thoughts and Fantasies on Porn Scenes.
3.Surfing Through social Media, While idle, with no definite Aim.
4. Had no blockers or Restriction to Social Media Apps/Sites, Felt they were not needed, due to Overconfidence.
Changes Made to Prevent Future Occurances
Installed Stay Focused app, and Blocked over 50 Sites and Over 400 Search words. Activated Strict Mode, To Prevent Uninstalling or Changing settings, To Expire on 31st December 2021, New Sites/ Keywords can be added to block , but once added, Can’t be removed, blocked all Intrusive ads, on Mobile Using dns.adguard.
All Browsers and Play Store app Blocked between 12pm and 3pm(3 Hrs), 7:00pm and 7:00am(12 Hrs) to prevent access to internet, and installation of new apps, Using Stay Focused app, Strict Mode Activated.
Installed Lock Me Out App, and Set Phone to Lock At 10pm to Unlock 6am, Secured with a password of 500 Words to reduce the likelihood of Disabling or Uninstalling, took a screenshot of the Password written on Paper and Discarded the Hardcopy, Password exist Presently inside the Phone Alone.
No Social Media App/Site(Exception of WhatsApp alone)
Facebook(No Account), Tiktok (No Account), Twitter (No Account), Pinterest (Deleted Account), Instagram (Deleted Account), Snapchat(No Account), Reddit(Temporary), YouTube (Temporary),
YouTube and Reddit Temporary Suspended for atleast 91 Days. To be Regulated afterwards.
Came across an extremely powerful and Useful browser, Pluckeye, it does not display images, or Load videos, will be used to make NoPMO related Research and Majority of all internet Related activities.
Installed Quostodio Protection on PC, which Automatically blocks All uncategorised/Inappropriate Sites, and Monitor all Activities on PC, Defined Pc time between 9am - 12pm & 3pm - 6pm, Every other Time The PC is automatically Logged off and Cannot be accessed , daily PC usage Limit at 6Hrs, after that session is terminated. also added Stay Focused and FocusMe Browser Extensions, and adblockPlus to block all Intrusive ads.
All access to the Internet Completely blocked From 12pm - 3pm and 10pm - 6am.
No Movies(Temporary), TV(Temporary) Music Videos(Temporary), For atleast 91 Days, To be Regulated Afterwards.
Recorded a 30 Minutes Audio of every Emotions felt, to be Played every day for atleast 91Days.
Plan to Read the No PMO TODAY Affirmations Made, Everyday for atleast 91Days.
Close attention to Thought Processes and work on preventing a Chain of Lustful thought Patterns, and Also slowly work towards Completely eleminating Lust and Porn induced Fantasies.
Analyze This report Everyday for atleast 91 Days
A Few Realizations
- Over Confidence and Guilt, are 2 emotions to avoid as both will lead to a deeper state of despair.
- It only takes 1 Step in the wrong direction to make it to a Point of No Return.
- No such thing as Soft Porn, once you’ve made this distinction, the Relapse has already Happened.
- Honesty always and Take full responsibility for Your Actions.
- Leave no room For Grey Areas, Make a clear definition of what you Call A relapse.