The Mini Challenge

[anon67854825]

Tuesday morning

@Forodwaith @Gk-00

Went to bed late again, woke up to the dog barking, feeling a bit groggy - in hindsight 5/6 hours sleep is a good amount. There is ‘that place’ when 4 hours seems enough during a ‘good’ streak - spiritual & philosophical awakening.
I guess knowing what time I go to bed, when I need to get up and work, tire me out more than the reality of it

---

Blurry, slightly -almost idle, this morning.
Checked into the app. And WhatsApp, my friend responded to what I noticed in scripture
I felt hesitant to answer and contradict “Oh it doesn’t matter” and that spirit fell on me,… Eros called me from YouTube, I was there for a couple of seconds, and thought “no, I will respond back to my friend” Reiterated my point, hoping he’ll see Christ instead of OT theology.
Showered, doused myself in 4711, and took the dog for a walk in the park, thinking how great 4711 smells and what it makes me think of and dream out.
On the way back, the weird bit, the dog stopped, and I was outside someone’s house Four(ty) Seven (the TY paint a kittle faded)
I thought “how ironic, I bet I’ll see an 11 next”
And then my mind wandered “Argh, I’m gonna be looking for an 11 all day now”
Literally only a few footsteps, a few seconds from 47, looking at a piece of graffiti knowing I won’t see an 11 or my mind would make out something similar to an 11 - There it was, a small piece of unfolded paper on the floor, with only 11 printed on it - on both sides as if to make it perfectly clear and certain - nothing else, just two bold 11’s
I could attribute this to many things, but I put it all down to God. A sign he’s got me
Being there for my friend is what really matters.

I’d only just realised now the significance of the faded TY.
Thank You Lord

It was an important morning today.

I want to get back to that place of simple a “No” to anything eros - @Forerunner you’re awesome.
“Merely noble for wanting change”

[anon67854825]

Tuesday

Prayerful day work was tough, but finding and resolving any issues

A little bit of Internet/YouTube while friend worked, casually supporting him

Tai Chi tonight. Slowly learning parts of the form by repetition
And few core exercises before bed. I’m noticing a positive difference in my lower back muscles

How are you guys? @Gk-00 @Forodwaith

[Forodwaith]

I’m doing better. I’m getting much more into the swing of a healthy and productive lifestyle without getting manic about it. I’m now in Day Six of my reboot.

@anon67854825 @Gk-00

[Gk-00]

Tuesday

Yesterday evening could not login both in the app and on browser for some reason. Anyway, yesterday I worked as usual, pretty average day, feeling peaceful.

Sadly did not keep a moment for prayer or did physical exercise, today I want to seek God more!

Very happy to hit 14 days clean! This time no peeking or edging, before I would have struggled to achieve this.

I renew my decision of leaving PMO every day, and be aware of the fact that my brain could be tricking me into thinking that PMO will do me good, but I know for experience that I found just misery down that path!

I want to enjoy every single bit of this process of freeing myself, and be humble every day, leave everything to God and His Grace!

@anon67854825 @Forodwaith happy to see you too are doing fine!

[Gk-00]

Wednesday

This morning I was at home, in the afternoon work. Prayer done! Missing my physical exercise these last few days.

All good. I think I had some minor urges this evening, I felt just like a very slight desire also before writing this post, but I’m not feeling stressed or worried about it. I just noticed it and I’m leaving it be, knowing that it will pass.

@anon67854825 @Forodwaith

[anon67854825]

Wednesday

@Gk-00 @Forodwaith

I’ve done a few exercises - I told myself I’ll do some before posting - as there’s been a couple of times, maybe 3, when I said I’d exercise before bed and subsequently forgot
I’m doing all fours, right arm forward, left leg back, sink/soften the shoulders.
Always, always go easy on the shoulders.
Lower back is improving, and shoulders are safe.

Exercise
Media - not bad, but could do better.
Prayer…
I took the dog for a walk this evening, on the way to the park I said a prayer for you @Forerunner
And on the way back prayed again, trusting God to provide you with what you need

Thanks be to God

[Forodwaith]

Day Seven

Long day at work, eye pain started in the afternoon so I went to bed as soon as I got home. Doing good in the PMO department.

Please pray for my eye (maybe tear duct or a stye) as is pain has been growing.

[Gk-00]

Thursday

All good. Today I had too much idle time, did not work as much as I wanted, felt quite lazy overall. That’s also when “those” thoughts start to creep up, I’m still fine but I need to be aware of this.

Prayer sort of done, physical exercise not yet, probably tomorrow if I will be able to.

@anon67854825 @Forodwaith how are you? Very sorry for your eye @Forodwaith, I hope it’s nothing serious

[Forerunner]

@anon67854825 Thank you for your prayers brother.

I’ve prayed for the three of you today along with my other companions, and for Forodwaith’s eye.

I’d like to return to the challenge again from Monday LORD willing, it was very good in keeping me accountable, even if most of my days were X days

[anon67854825]

Thursday Thank you @Forerunner
@Gk-00 @Forodwaith

Exercise
Prayer
Media

I need to treat myself like I would another,
And treat others like myself.

If I dislike myself, I’m disliking others,
If I’m disliking others, I’m disliking myself.
And so to with Love.
I say this because I dislike myself at the moment, and I know its not the right way. It’s the sin I detest for making feel like this.

Church tomorrow, I really need and want some answers something concrete for my current journey - I’ve only got one reason, and I want to explore it deeper.

It is true, I can stand up, dust myself down, clean up, work hard and enjoy, but I’m left feeling in a quandary, struggling to think clearly and meaningfully at the moment.

I *fell this morning. It wasn’t long, but *didn’t stop on time - I’ve *edged before and pulled myself out of it with *amazing-strength that I don’t have at the moment.

I was okay, but eros has hung over me like a black cloud today.
And I’ve had no source to brush it aside - it’s a surprise I didn’t fall twice or more.
I *want to clear it away, but I’ve been *doing too much recently, and will just let it pass.
I’m going to let go, and simply trust God

(*I’m relying too heavily on sensation, rather than simple principle exercised with faith)

Clearer mind please Help me grow in strength, and be so much humbler, so much

I feel I’ve become arrogant recently, trying to fix things, be fully incontrol, maybe its not a bad thing, but I was starting to loose balance.

I’m sorry your Eye is bad @Forodwaith and that I haven’t prayed for you
You’re on my mind and wishing it gets better

[Forodwaith]

Day Eight

My eye is feeling much better today, thanks for praying. I went to the eye doctor yesterday and I think it’s an infected stye. I got medicine for it and it seems to be working.

Since I was otherwise not feeling well and in a lot of pain I rested and did not concern myself with the mini challenges. Doing well otherwise though.

Things are very busy at work.

Peace!

@anon67854825 @Gk-00

[anon67854825]

Friday

Slept late, woke late, missed church,
Tired, groggy, alone in the morning, and fell.

It gradually effected me, I read a few things on the app, thought about companions, and cried in the shower after getting some answers.

I feel great today and found the simple thing I’m missing/overlooked.
Pray that I keep digging deeper, narrowing my focus

I’m going to definitely go to Church tomorrow morning, long walk, Mass, confession.
Will pray for you, my dear companions
@Gk-00 @Forodwaith @Forerunner

---

• I’ve already done some exercises
  And will do more.

• I have prayed, notably for myself

• Apart from this morning
  media/phone usage has been safe

---

A few things struck and moved me today,
Thinking of @Forerunner and His prays for us three, and our companionship
@Forodwaith’s gratitude

@neveragaintw’s comment “It is my biggest fear. I’m wasting so much of my precious time”
Boom it really hit my heart, and still does

And @nagate’s comment “i believe there is a evil spirit connected to ■■■■ and it knows when man is trying to free himself”
I believe the same, like a zeitgeist. Not just our brains struggling for dopamine, but something much larger at work.
I could go into more detail but I’m afraid this post would be too long, weird and unsettling.

It’s when you start getting in deep, you look back and wish for simplicity

---

I thought of Jesus in the temple today;
Raging, turning over the tables, angry and shocked at how people had turned God’s temple into a market place of trade.

I think the same too for our bodies.
We waste our time trading a part of ourselves, part of our brain, our reward system, our dopamine receptors for one p* after another.
When we could be filling it with good things, we get fooled and put P in.
We’re peeing in our own heads.

Thanks be to God for today.
Everything is a gift, especially when you lose/give loose.

[Gk-00]

Friday

Morning was good, I worked and had a meeting with my thesis professor. In the afternoon after I came back home I laid down on my bed for a while, watching YouTube, then urges came and I fell.

I think that I took the wrong choice this afternoon, I could have used that time to go to the park with my bicycle and do some exercise (I had scheduled to do that) but just gave it up completely due to laziness, this opened the door to the relapse. Often behind a relapse there is a choice in which I took the wrong path, the choice between confortable mediocrity and a real and fulfilling life.

I want to get back up, after relapsing I rearranged my ideas and I don’t want to go back into misery, I need to look at myself with compassion, and kindness, not with shame or rage. I cannot make progress if I am not willing to help myself get up, rather than bashing on my mistakes.

@Forodwaith @anon67854825

[Forodwaith]

I know that feeling of disgust but the amazing thing is the sewers Jesus will crawl through to get us out, to get us back, to get us his. The value and dignity he gives you cannot be taken away! Let him fight for you.

[Forodwaith]

Day Nine

Healthy connection has been one of the biggest helps. I need to stay humble.

I will restart my mini challenges after today’s sabbath.

[Gk-00]

Saturday

Today was not very good nor bad, I was at voluntary work this morning, in the afternoon an idle moment at home took urges back and I was feeling less motivated to fight them again. In the evening I was out with friends, it helped me to distract myself and enjoy connecting with others, I’m feeling better now.

@anon67854825 I’m here with you at day 1, let’s build back a new streak together!

@Forodwaith @anon67854825

[anon67854825]

Saturday

@Gk-00 @Forodwaith @Forerunner
I prayed for you guys today

Thanks be to God you’re doing OK @Gk-00
Yes, let’s build up a new foundation with and for God God dwells within us, let’s keep bringing it to light in the hope people will stop and say “why is he so happy? how can I be like that?” and learn ultimate happiness comes with God.

Exercise
Limited media
Prayer always, always seek God

I was thinking of you today @Forerunner
I was thinking of your high streak and how you empty yourself and always give it up to God everyday with His will.
I’m scared to have a top heavy streak - you don’t yet keep adding to it with Thanks and Gladness.
It’s a truly marvelous streak.

I’m always thinking of you @Forodwaith
You are humble and yes, Jesus is in everything, even in the sewers
I’ve known it in theory, but when life really gets tough, and I think I need to be strong, He always shines a light when I turn to Him.
My weakness becomes a strength in His presence.

---

Today was a good day.
My alarm pierced through my sleep.
On the walk to church I started waking up, realising I wasn’t as tired as my thoughts led me to believe. My body clock is switching back to normal - I’ve done lots of work, but it’s only a few weeks 'til my deadline, yet to be followed by final work and final preparation.

---

Mass was funny, it was the lovely reclusive retired Priest - who got a bit muddled up at times with the procession of Mass.
I had confession with him afterwards,
Eager to carry on my spiritual journey - like I’d been doing with my favourite much younger Priest (a bit weird like me)
I told the retired priest my sins, where I was, and how eager I was to get answers and build up my foundation, he just gave me the same old “have a crucifix on your phone” etcetera
I wanted him to go into depth about sin, selfishness and be blunt with me - I didn’t get that at all haha He gave me a Psalm to read as penance, and when I got around to reading it in a nearby coffee shop with a regular black coffee, (which was more like bowl of hot black water)
I was as disappointed with it as the coffee - Thinking he gave me the wrong one, I kept guessing, modifying the Psalm numbers, 129?139? 29?
Reading them, not necessarily deeply reflecting on them, but hoping to find the one he reffered to, I saw I’d got an email about the folk music for Mass the week after next - The first hymn happened to be the one I’d been humming and reflecting on the past few days.
“Jesus Christ is Waiting - Jesus Christ is Raging”

I wanted an answer, and I got it, the answer was “Yes” - I already have what I need - “Yes” - I want to rage like Jesus in God’s Temple.

The Mass is two weeks away, so it says to me - I only need to focus on what I already have and this new addition to my journey.
He is everywhere, and we find answers in places we hadn’t looked, and in the places that have always been right in front of us this whole time
I know there’s lot of ways to motivate and ideas to be had in this journey, I could do it with a blind fold, I could do it with fallacious ideas and see my streak grow higher, adjusting faults along the way, but God’s house is all I care about now, not to be built but to be invited into through faith and persistent knocking.

I thought about not writing all of this, and how tiring it might be for other people on this app, they might say “Oh ffs dude. Just don’t Fap, get a higher streak. You’ve gotta chill out with the God stuff”
But anyway, that’s the damned in me talking.

What is humility?
Is it not living in the truth, recognising the truth?
Is humility not be oneself fully?
Being oneself without seeking praise, without fearing criticism?
I think humility is also holding one’s tongue, wanting truth, and having capacity to receive.

I feel I’m full at the moment but the day is done, and like @Forerunner give it back to God.
I pray to follow, to keep close and let go of complexities

“Make fit to wait on you”

Thanks be to God for the Priests, Imams, Monks, Gurus and All who devote their lives to bringing others to you

I look forward to tomorrow’s Psalm.
It maybe unexpected, and not what I hoped for, but I will listen

[Forodwaith]

Day Ten

You all remain in my prayers as well. Today has been good and busy. We gathered for the liturgy of the Word this morning and will have a class for catechumens which one of pastors asked me to teach so I’m quite humbled. I asked him to show up sometimes so I think he will be there for the first class this time. This pastor is also my confessor.

Mini-challenge is going well

@anon67854825 @Gk-00

[Forodwaith]

Day Eleven

The catechumens didn’t show up as we had a typhoon come in yesterday. Please pray God will persevere them in their pursuit of the Lord. One is actually a sister but she never received confirmation and she’s from a different tradition so she wants to learn more about our tradition as it does not seem like there is a church of her tradition nearby, though I’m not sure.

I’m doing well. Growing in discovery and discernment about healthy boundaries especially as it relates to my body and letting the Lord Jesus teach me how to steward that well. Please pray for me to stay faithful in this.

I’m praying for you guys!

@anon67854825 @Gk-00

How are you doing?

[anon67854825]

Sunday

Thank you for your prayers @Forodwaith I’m really well and hoping your safe, and will pray for the catechumens that they have vigor and excitement to be close to God, and that their faith grows.
I’ll pray for us too @Gk-00 ~ il mio amico
To be diligent in weak moments

And two other companions on Hard Mode.
I think it’s a lot to say “I’m doing Hard mode”
I admire their seriousness

Today;
Exercise

Prayer I hope it becomes more than a habit, but part of me especially when times seem easy

Limited media
I looked up a few new exercises, muscle groups, etymology of exercise names and ended up watching some videos by a fitness guy with very opinionated views of the modern world. Some of I’m unsure of, but some very surprised by (to be thought about a bit more) I could relate it to the Rewire journey and also with understanding some vital scripture, which is even more surprising. It felt like another sychronistic moment with some important information for me.

I haven’t got lots to say at the moment, which I’m glad, I want to remain as spacious as possible, and keep cool all week.
I really want/must complete all my work this week, and have everything done by the weekend. It’s vital we finish ASAP so we can move on to other impending tasks that need attention and resolve.

It’s my birthday this week, I haven’t planned anything yet, but hope to do something at the weekend without the disappointment of unfinished business

Glory to God for today, Thank you for the peace,
There’s so much to be thankful for, but I will honour that peace with some good sleep