October 18, 2024
Hey, I hope everyone is doing well this evening! Today has been a good day, and a good evening. As I’m typing this, I’m actually out on my front porch just enjoying the ambience from the area that we live in. I’ve got a few colored solar lights up right now, and although they’re not the fanciest, I’m even enjoying the colored lights from them this evening.
Now why should I even mention that? I know it totally sounds random to mention any of this. “Big deal, so you’re outside on your porch late at night typing on your laptop. You must be easily amused. :” But you know, I think we, or rather I, fail to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. No doubt that life is hard, but there are times of peace that God blesses us with. Solomon in the latter part of Ecclesiastes 2 looked around, and even had to see that all the blessings that he had were from the hand of God.
I get depressed a lot of times when I’m thinking about my life, and I think that things should be different. Some of those things I can, and by the grace of God, will change; but some of them I can’t. Either way, I still want to be thankful for the blessings that I have. Our area just a few weeks ago went through the worst storm that we’ve ever experienced, and my family is safe. Even though our area is still rebuilding back slowly, we’re doing a lot better than we were. I think I’m pretty blessed.
Okay, so I’m on to the next question from @Believe_100. And I will say, I’ve thought about both this question, and the previous question from last night today.
What Happened To Me?
Again, this is not a question that’s easily and simply answered, but it’s a valid and necessary question to ask myself. Now I know that the answer to it varies depending on the circumstances of the relapse, but I’ll start with my last relapse. As the situation is with many of my relapses, it was late at night, and I was anxious. The crazy thing is I can’t even remember right now what it was that I was anxious about, but instead of messaging someone and telling them what was going on, or even posting on here as I’ve done before, I told myself that it would do no good. And through this line of thinking, I had rationalized in my mind that the only escape from my anxiety was to turn to masturbation.
“Okay, cool story, bro; so what?” If I break it down, what happened was that I lost hope in the process. Hope is something that I can’t lose in this fight. I’ve placed too little value on it in the past, but I can’t do that if I’m to move forward in my life. Again, this is something I battle. I’m a firm believer in Murphy’s Law (for those unfamiliar with it, “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”). But where then is my faith in God? Where is my faith in His goodness? If I believe that everything is just going to go wrong, and I might as well just get used to the worst, then how am I to believe His promises? How am I to believe that He really will make that way of escape in the midst of temptation? How am I to believe that His truth will make me free? It comes down to, “Do I believe in God more than I believe in Murphy’s Law?” And if I’m to continue in faith, no matter how much I’ve seen things go wrong, I have to believe that there is better out there. I have to believe that God wants better for me than a life of anxiously giving in to masturbation.
But there’s a second aspect of what happens to me when I relapse. After all, if it’s just, “I was anxious,” then that doesn’t sound as harsh. Anxiety can come to the best of us. But there’s something more sinister at hand whenever I relapse. In a sense, I’m taking out vengeance. “Vengeance?” you ask, “How can you really say that you’re taking vengeance out?” I would say that in light of a couple of things that I’ve heard and read in recent weeks, and meditating on them.
First, I heard a preacher say that all bitterness is in reality directed at God, even bitterness at others. Now when I first heard this, I wanted to fight back, and tell of how there were exceptions to this. But the more I’ve thought on it, the more I’m convinced that he was right. Whenever I relapse in anxiety, it’s almost as if I’m striking out at God, and saying, “This burden, the life you’ve given me and all its trials to overcome, is too heavy. The people that you’ve allowed to hurt me in the past, that was too harsh. And since life isn’t providing me the level of pleasure that I seek, I’m going to find that pleasure in what You’ve said not to find it in.” You say, “That’s a horrible statement!” And it is. But the murmurings of our heart don’t always make their way out of our mouth. Sometimes the blasphemies that are within us are much deeper than speech or conscious thought can draw them out with. But that’s just a confirmation of the words of the prophet Jeremiah in Jeremiah 17:9. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” In case you think that my train of thought is just the ramblings of a crazed lust-addict, I’m not the only one to reach this conclusion. In reading the book by Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules For Life, he discusses this very idea as well.
And while we’re talking about our good friend, Jordan, he discusses in Chapter 6: Set Your House in Perfect Order Before you Criticize the World, how that many people will take vengeance out on others, or even themselves, when faced with the adversity and the hardships that come with existence and being alive. Life is definitely hard, as I said earlier, and not everyone is your friend. Tragedy happens in every life. I don’t believe that anyone truly goes through life unscarred in one way or another. But again, while I can’t control everything that happens to me, I can control how I respond to them.
I’ll give you a few verses that this reminded me of in Psalm 77:6-12, in thinking about hardships. David had some things that he was battling internally as well, and he wrote about him processing these things, even before the Lord. I won’t quote the whole chapter, but I do recommend reading it. Verses 9 and 10 especially have been something for me to meditate on.
- *6: I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search.
- 7: Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will he be favourable no more?
- 8: Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore?
- 9: Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah.
- 10: And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High.
- 11: I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.
- 12: I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.*
As he said, “This is my infirmity…” This is a part of life. God has not been cruel to me, and He hasn’t allowed these things to come just to beat me down. God is still good to me. He hasn’t forgotten to be gracious, and He hasn’t forgotten His promises. All of these and more are still available to me.
So what caused me to relapse? Taking matters into my own hands (no pun intended). Trying to play the role of God in my life. Trying to provide my own “partner” since God hasn’t provided one for me yet. Kind of like Abraham trying to make God’s promise of a child come to pass through lying with Hagar. Doing things my way, instead of God’s way, is what leads me to relapse ultimately.
What’s the cure? Again, something simpler said than done: growing in my faith in God. If I’m truly trusting in Him as I should, I believe in my case that most, if not all, of the anxiety that leads me to trust in masturbation will be silenced. I know this doesn’t all come at once, but I’m walking in this direction. Pray for me in the days ahead that my faith will not only not fail, but would increase.
God Bless You In Your Fight!