The Macro Files (Overcoming Macrophilia) [25, M]

October 16, 2024

Hey, I hope everyone is doing well! Today has been pretty good overall. It’s been a lot better than yesterday. I felt pretty low yesterday, and I had some anxiety. All I can say is that my family is very patient with me, and I am thankful for that.

Now I’m sure you’ve noticed that at the top I haven’t put up my number of days. There’s a reason for that. Sadly, I relapsed a couple of nights ago, or so (I can’t remember for sure, but I believe that’s right). But @Believe_100 gave me some advice, and I’m going to try to take it. He suggested that I not count the days. Now to be clear, I did go ahead and reset my counter in the Rewire app, but I honestly haven’t looked at it since then. I know this isn’t the only thing for me to do, and I will say that he’s given me some other advice to think on, and I will try my best to implement it to the best of my ability. So Brother, I’m gonna try it.

In the days ahead, I’ll try to share some of my thoughts on here, but for now, I think I’m going to try to process them before I post them on here. (After all, I’d like them to be as coherent as possible :joy: )

God Bless You In Your Fight!

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I would like to share something with you that @Camisblessed typed in.

Please read carefully it makes you want to think. God bless you Brother and don’t give up hope. Keep fighting and know that our Redeemer lives.

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October 17, 2024

Hey! I hope everyone is doing well this evening! I’ve had an excellent evening. I got to read a little more in 12 Rules For Life by Jordan Peterson, and he’s had some good advice. Some of it, actually, sounds like an echo of some advice that I’ve received on here, but with a little bit of insight thrown in.

So, as I said, Believe_100 has been trying to help me, and the other day he gave me a list of questions to ask myself. I’m actually typing this out in Microsoft Word right now, but once I’m finished typing it, I will copy and paste it to Rewire. My reason for doing so is to give myself time to stop and think while I’m typing it. I know, it’s a little strange, but it’s probably not the strangest thing about me :joy:. I’ll deal with the first question that he gave me. And before I forget, thank you @Believe_100 for the thought-provoking questions!

Question #1: Who made me do this?

I will say that this question is an interesting one, because a lot of the time the question is what made me do this, rather than who made me do this. But the latter, I believe, gets to a heart of the issue that we (at least, I) often gloss over. And it’s not a quick answer. When I’m backed in a corner on this, even by my own thoughts, I want to say, “It was stress,” or, “I felt lonely,” or, “If I just had a girl, I wouldn’t be struggling like I am,” and so on, and so on. But all of these things subconsciously misdirect from the real culprit: myself!

A lot of times when I’ve answered this way, I think it’s more of a defensive action, rather than a true analysis of the situation. Rather than using it to contemplate my actions and use that contemplation to construct a better strategy for combating my urges, I end up using this answer as a defense against any criticism of any kind that I may receive. If I go ahead and say, “Yeah, it was my fault, I should have done better. I’m just not disciplined enough,” then I’m sparing myself of the sentence for my crime. I’m shielding myself, in a sense, from what I expect to be criticism, because I’m showing myself to be my own worst critic. And after all, there’s no use in beating a dead horse.

But what’s wrong with this logic? Well, it’s probably obvious to anyone on the outside looking in, but it’s not always so obvious to me when I’m going through it.

First, what I said about shielding myself from all criticism, that’s a problem. Not all criticism is meant to be destructive. At least, it’s not meant to be destructive of you. It is, however, meant to be an all-out war on the leach known as masturbation that has latched onto your life. And because its teeth have dug in pretty deep, anytime someone attacks it, it feels like they’re attacking you personally. But it’s all in how you take it. This topic actually hits a little closer to home than I’d like to admit, because honestly, I can get defensive pretty quickly whenever I’m confronted. I think to a degree it’s within our nature, and you can even find that all the way back to the Garden of Eden when God asks Adam about his sin. (Yes, I did get that from Jordan’s book :joy: )

Secondly, by essentially deflecting the advice, or constructive criticism as it might also be called, I’m also depriving myself of the healing that it could potentially bring about in my life. In my mind, I’m thinking that I’m sparing myself from unpleasantness; but in reality, I’m robbing myself of not only the discipline, but the reward that comes as a result of the discipline. Much like the story of the Little Red Hen, everyone wants to help eat the bread, but nobody wants to do the work that goes into making the bread. Everyone on this forum, especially myself, wants to experience freedom from the clutches of masturbation. But am I willing to put up with the pain of discipline, so that I may avoid the pain of regret, as Believe_100 often mentions? Again, this is something that I just came to in Jordan’s book as well (for those who have read and are familiar with the book, I’m on Rule 7: Pursue What Is Meaningful (Not What Is Expedient)).

So again, who made me do this? I did. How do I plead? Guilty as charged. But no trial is complete without a sentencing. What is my sentence? My sentence, I believe is two-fold. One: I must hold myself accountable for the actions I have committed, while not allowing myself to be a pushover, or a tyrant, to myself. And two: I must take this analysis of myself, and also my Rewire Brethren’s encouragement and insight, and use it to help me form a plan that will aid me in the defeat of masturbation. It feels like a part of me is dying when I’m battling it. But masturbation isn’t an appendage: it’s a parasite. If it’s cut off, it doesn’t cause me bodily harm. I’m not gonna die if masturbation isn’t a part of my life. If anything, I’ll start getting better and experiencing a fuller life.

Okay, sorry for going overtime again, but sometimes it helps me to get my thoughts in front of me like this. I hope that it’s been a help to anyone reading; but more than that, I trust that it will be a help to me. I need to get the beam out of my own eye, before I attempt to take the mote from anyone else’s eye. Thank y’all for everything!

God Bless You In Your Fight!

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October 18, 2024

Hey, I hope everyone is doing well this evening! Today has been a good day, and a good evening. As I’m typing this, I’m actually out on my front porch just enjoying the ambience from the area that we live in. I’ve got a few colored solar lights up right now, and although they’re not the fanciest, I’m even enjoying the colored lights from them this evening.

Now why should I even mention that? I know it totally sounds random to mention any of this. “Big deal, so you’re outside on your porch late at night typing on your laptop. You must be easily amused. :roll_eyes: :” But you know, I think we, or rather I, fail to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. No doubt that life is hard, but there are times of peace that God blesses us with. Solomon in the latter part of Ecclesiastes 2 looked around, and even had to see that all the blessings that he had were from the hand of God.

I get depressed a lot of times when I’m thinking about my life, and I think that things should be different. Some of those things I can, and by the grace of God, will change; but some of them I can’t. Either way, I still want to be thankful for the blessings that I have. Our area just a few weeks ago went through the worst storm that we’ve ever experienced, and my family is safe. Even though our area is still rebuilding back slowly, we’re doing a lot better than we were. I think I’m pretty blessed.

Okay, so I’m on to the next question from @Believe_100. And I will say, I’ve thought about both this question, and the previous question from last night today.

What Happened To Me?

Again, this is not a question that’s easily and simply answered, but it’s a valid and necessary question to ask myself. Now I know that the answer to it varies depending on the circumstances of the relapse, but I’ll start with my last relapse. As the situation is with many of my relapses, it was late at night, and I was anxious. The crazy thing is I can’t even remember right now what it was that I was anxious about, but instead of messaging someone and telling them what was going on, or even posting on here as I’ve done before, I told myself that it would do no good. And through this line of thinking, I had rationalized in my mind that the only escape from my anxiety was to turn to masturbation.

“Okay, cool story, bro; so what?” If I break it down, what happened was that I lost hope in the process. Hope is something that I can’t lose in this fight. I’ve placed too little value on it in the past, but I can’t do that if I’m to move forward in my life. Again, this is something I battle. I’m a firm believer in Murphy’s Law (for those unfamiliar with it, “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”). But where then is my faith in God? Where is my faith in His goodness? If I believe that everything is just going to go wrong, and I might as well just get used to the worst, then how am I to believe His promises? How am I to believe that He really will make that way of escape in the midst of temptation? How am I to believe that His truth will make me free? It comes down to, “Do I believe in God more than I believe in Murphy’s Law?” And if I’m to continue in faith, no matter how much I’ve seen things go wrong, I have to believe that there is better out there. I have to believe that God wants better for me than a life of anxiously giving in to masturbation.

But there’s a second aspect of what happens to me when I relapse. After all, if it’s just, “I was anxious,” then that doesn’t sound as harsh. Anxiety can come to the best of us. But there’s something more sinister at hand whenever I relapse. In a sense, I’m taking out vengeance. “Vengeance?” you ask, “How can you really say that you’re taking vengeance out?” I would say that in light of a couple of things that I’ve heard and read in recent weeks, and meditating on them.

First, I heard a preacher say that all bitterness is in reality directed at God, even bitterness at others. Now when I first heard this, I wanted to fight back, and tell of how there were exceptions to this. But the more I’ve thought on it, the more I’m convinced that he was right. Whenever I relapse in anxiety, it’s almost as if I’m striking out at God, and saying, “This burden, the life you’ve given me and all its trials to overcome, is too heavy. The people that you’ve allowed to hurt me in the past, that was too harsh. And since life isn’t providing me the level of pleasure that I seek, I’m going to find that pleasure in what You’ve said not to find it in.” You say, “That’s a horrible statement!” And it is. But the murmurings of our heart don’t always make their way out of our mouth. Sometimes the blasphemies that are within us are much deeper than speech or conscious thought can draw them out with. But that’s just a confirmation of the words of the prophet Jeremiah in Jeremiah 17:9. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” In case you think that my train of thought is just the ramblings of a crazed lust-addict, I’m not the only one to reach this conclusion. In reading the book by Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules For Life, he discusses this very idea as well.

And while we’re talking about our good friend, Jordan, he discusses in Chapter 6: Set Your House in Perfect Order Before you Criticize the World, how that many people will take vengeance out on others, or even themselves, when faced with the adversity and the hardships that come with existence and being alive. Life is definitely hard, as I said earlier, and not everyone is your friend. Tragedy happens in every life. I don’t believe that anyone truly goes through life unscarred in one way or another. But again, while I can’t control everything that happens to me, I can control how I respond to them.

I’ll give you a few verses that this reminded me of in Psalm 77:6-12, in thinking about hardships. David had some things that he was battling internally as well, and he wrote about him processing these things, even before the Lord. I won’t quote the whole chapter, but I do recommend reading it. Verses 9 and 10 especially have been something for me to meditate on.

  • *6: I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search.
  • 7: Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will he be favourable no more?
  • 8: Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore?
  • 9: Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah.
  • 10: And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High.
  • 11: I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.
  • 12: I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.*

As he said, “This is my infirmity…” This is a part of life. God has not been cruel to me, and He hasn’t allowed these things to come just to beat me down. God is still good to me. He hasn’t forgotten to be gracious, and He hasn’t forgotten His promises. All of these and more are still available to me.

So what caused me to relapse? Taking matters into my own hands (no pun intended). Trying to play the role of God in my life. Trying to provide my own “partner” since God hasn’t provided one for me yet. Kind of like Abraham trying to make God’s promise of a child come to pass through lying with Hagar. Doing things my way, instead of God’s way, is what leads me to relapse ultimately.

What’s the cure? Again, something simpler said than done: growing in my faith in God. If I’m truly trusting in Him as I should, I believe in my case that most, if not all, of the anxiety that leads me to trust in masturbation will be silenced. I know this doesn’t all come at once, but I’m walking in this direction. Pray for me in the days ahead that my faith will not only not fail, but would increase.

God Bless You In Your Fight!

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Just keep trusting him and your faith will move mountains. When Jesus walked on water he asked Peter to come to him. Peter walked on to Jesus but he lost his faith. Jesus said “O ye of little faith.” Believe Brother on the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved. God bless you Brother and don’t give up hope. Keep fighting and know that our Redeemer lives.

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October 19, 2024

Hey! I hope everyone is doing well this evening. I’ve had a bit of a busy day today. It’s been a little stressful. I haven’t responded well to every obstacle that’s come in my way today, but I haven’t responded by masturbating, so that’s a plus :+1:.
I’ve been answering the questions that @Believe_100 suggested that I ask myself, and tonight we come to:

Where Will I Be In 50+ Years

Honestly, this one is a hard one for me to answer. Maybe because of my natural pessimism, or maybe it’s from masturbation’s ability to take away our foresight, but this one will be hard for me to answer. I will say that in my attempt to answer this to the best of my ability, I will try to set aside the pessimism that so often clouds my mind, and think logically about my future.

If I continue in the pathway of relapse, there is nothing good that will happen. I see some of the issues that I have, even outside of masturbation, and those issues will not get better. I will be constantly craving that temporary euphoria that comes from relapsing. But as time goes on, it won’t be enough, and I will be on a constant hunt for a higher thrill. Where will this lead me? It scares me to think of it. Every other moment of my life that I don’t spend experiencing that feeling will feel like torture due to my high dependency on dopamine. My anger management issues will get worse, and again, it scares me to think of what harm I would end up doing to someone else if this is not kept in check. My anxiety will be out of control. And potentially, if this is not dealt with in the appropriate manner, then it will lead me down a path of self-destruction. I may not even make it to 50 years old. To paraphrase the Ghost of Christmas Present, if these shadows remain unaltered, I will die.

Thankfully, however, what Scrooge said is also true, and I have the potential to sponge away the writing on that stone. If I continue in the pathway that I’m walking now, and do not relapse, then I see a much more optimistic future for me. While my foresight doesn’t show me if I will ever find a wife, I do see enough benefits to make this journey worth my while. First, I see myself independent of cravings for the dopamine that comes from relapsing. This may seem minor, but I believe this benefit will overflow into so many other avenues of my life! Because of my lower dependency on dopamine, it will train my brain not to just expect adversity, but to also expect that I can overcome it, that all problems in my life will have a solution if I look hard enough for it. After all, “Seek, and ye shall find.” Seeing this will loosen the grip of anxiety on me. I also see myself with much more self-control and discipline in my life. I see myself living a life that will be an example for others, and will point them to Christ. I see myself being able to help others find the same freedom that I have found, which honestly is a great desire of mine. I see myself, in the event that I do get married and have children, being able to teach my son, and to advise him of the dangers that lie ahead in his life in this area, and to pass along some wisdom that may spare him from the things that I’ve suffered from this. I see myself being someone that he can come to if he needs help or guidance in these areas of his life. And ultimately, I see myself more fully living the abundant life that God has planned for me.

I know this post isn’t anywhere near as long as the other two that I did, but I have put no less of my heart into it. The fears that I have about continuing in masturbation are ones that I have thought on many times; and the hopes that I have are also heart-felt. I see what masturbation has done in my life, and I see what it’s doing in the lives of many others. It breaks my heart to see it, and I want to be able to not only help myself, but to help others as well to overcome it. I’m far from that goal right now. I have a lot of work to do in my life, and I’m in no position to be teaching anyone else what to do. But it’s not impossible for that dream to come true.

Thank y’all for reading! I have one more question to answer tomorrow night, so Lord-willing I will be writing that down then.

God Bless You In Your Fight!

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October 20, 2024

Hey! I hope everyone is doing well tonight! It’s been a really good day! I got to go to church twice today, and I also got some rest in between services. Not a lot of stress :+1:.

Tonight, I’m on the last question from @Believe_100. It’s probably the hardest one for me to answer tonight, but I do have a few things that I’ve done as a result of asking myself this question. I know that I’ve already said it here before, but thank you again, Brother, for the questions! They’ve been a blessing to me! Even though tonight’s question is the last one, that doesn’t’ mean that I should stop asking myself these questions in the days ahead. I hope to have them burned into my heart, along with the answers to them!

How Can I Break This Habit?

Now this one is the real $1,000,000 question. If you’re like me, your first response to this might be, “Well if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t even be in this situation to begin with!” But it isn’t always that simple. Just because you know the right answer, doesn’t mean that your problem is solved. It’s implementation that solves the problem. Example: I may know that the answer to my dirty floors is to vacuum or mop them; but if I sit on the couch and eat potato chips all day, and never even make a move towards cleaning, those floors are going to stay in the same shape.
However, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had trouble in the past finding the solution, the “something” that I need to implement. But the thing that is unique about this question is that out of all the questions in this list, I think this is the one that we must ask ourselves every day. Every day will bring us a new challenge, and each challenge will require a different strategy. One day, you may be able to defeat your urge with a cold shower, or a brisk walk outside; whereas, somedays you may need a little more support, and talking with a brother or sister is just what you need. Either way, I think that this question is one that I will be adding to my arsenal against masturbation.
I will mention a few strategies that I’ve used lately in this fight. None of these are end-all cures, but they are good barriers for me. Speaking of Believe_100, if any of y’all read his post from last night (and if not, I recommend you read it :+1:) , he wrote about giving yourself a small challenge. Instead of challenging yourselves for 90 days, try to challenge yourself for 5 days, and then 5 more days, and so on and so on. This is something that I’m currently doing with his help. I’m not really keeping a track of my exact record from when I relapsed, and as a matter of fact, I haven’t even opened the Rewire app since I reported my last relapse. But starting with today as Day 1, I’m challenging myself to 5 days without this mess.
Another thing that I’ve been doing is leaving my TV off when I go to bed. I usually will put something on when I go to sleep; but now, I’ll put on some light music, or even an old radio show to go to sleep to. That may sound weird and random, but in my experience, going to sleep without the TV on has resulted in fewer relapses. Again, not foolproof, and not an end-all cure, but it is a deterrent for me.
Another thing that I’ve done is I’ve left the bedroom door open when I go to sleep. I sleep in pajamas, instead of sleeping in my underwear (which is another safeguard for me). When I leave my door open, I find that I’m less likely to try to reach “down there” because I don’t know which one of my family members might be walking by in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or something. Sometimes the fear of getting caught can be a good thing!
The Bible Challenge here on Rewire has been another thing that has been beneficial to me. As simple as it may sound, engaging in the Word of God every day has been helpful to me. If I miss a day of reading, I can tell a difference. I believe the devil tells me a lot of times, “One day won’t hurt anything, you’ll be fine. After all, you were reading your Bible before when you relapsed, so it don’t help anything anyways.” But it’s a lie, and I can tell you that from even this experience. My days aren’t all perfect, but I can feel the difference that it makes, especially when coupled with prayer. And I know that one usually encourages the other!
That’s just a few minor strategies that I’ve implemented lately. Again, the answer to these will vary, depending on the person and the scenario. But I will offer one more thing that I can do to beat this addiction: I can never give up! I know it is the will of God that I abstain from masturbation, so with that in mind, I want to always be striving to do His will! No matter how hard it gets, no matter how discouraged and disgusted I am with myself, I must always get back up, and start walking again.
Thank y’all for reading! I hope and pray that you all would ask yourself this question as well. I will be asking it to myself every day that I live by the grace of God. I can’t wait to see all the results that it brings about in my life!

God Bless You In Your Fight!

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Welcome to the 1970’s Brother. They did the same thing back then. Just listening to music or a radio station before nodding off to sleep.

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My grandfather always used to listen to the radio. I think I would have trouble sleeping if someone was talking, although I have fallen asleep in front of the TV and when I was little I used to listen to audiobooks to fall asleep.

These days I usually have a fan going as white noise.

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Audiobooks are pretty good, too! I’ve got a few from audible that I like to listen to. But, yeah, even some sort of white noise, just as long as it isn’t total silence.

October 21, 2024

Hey, I hope everyone is doing well! I’ll make this a short post. Keep me in your prayers. I won’t go into great detail or anything, but I’ve been dealing with some mood swings, and they’ve about driven me crazy today. I haven’t given in, but I can tell that I’m weak. Not even in a way of feeling like relapsing, but I just feel weak mentally. Please pray for me.

God Bless You In Your Fight!

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You can count on me Brother. I will pray for you.

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Thank you, Brother! I really need it!

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Praying for you!

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October 26, 2024

Hey! I hope everyone is doing well. Today I’ve been laying around all day. Somehow over the weekend I’ve picked up some sort of sickness. Don’t worry, I don’t think it’s anything really bad, but I’m trying to take it easy because 1: I don’t want to give it to the rest of my family, and 2: I want to be able to get to feeling better.

So how’s everything else? Believe me or not, there are some things that are getting better. I’ve had fewer mood swings both yesterday and today. Again, I’m not sure how many days I’ve went without relapsing, but I think that’s just as well. You know, there’s been a few times when I’ve felt discouraged, but when I’ve felt that way, I’ve just pretended that I’m really 20 or 30 days into this streak. That may sound stupid, and to be honest I probably would have made fun of myself in the past for doing something like this in the past; but it has helped me out lately.

Currently as I’m writing this, I’ve got a little bit of brain fog, but I think that’s more due to being sick right now. I’ll stop right here for right now. I’ll try to write on here again when I’m feeling a little better. But before I sign off, Thank you @MrSam105 and @Believe_100 for your prayers for me! I know that God has been answering them, and I can see Him working in my life as a result of them.

God Bless You In Your Fight!

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October 31, 2024

In the words of Alfred Hitchcock, “Good evening!” :smile: :
Alfred Hitchcock

I hope everyone is doing well tonight. Today has been okay. I’m still having to work on my anger, but my mood swings are still not as bad as they have been previously. I’m still far from where I want to be in terms of control over my emotions. I’m honestly sometimes torn on how to handle them. Often when I express them with my family, I feel like I’m either whining, or being a tyrant. But I’ve also at times felt like there was no point in expressing them, and just tried to keep them to myself. It’s hard to say what to do. I’m embarrassed to be at the age that I am, and still have trouble expressing need or concern or even displeasure in an appropriate manner sometimes. I either blow up, or I just pull back into my shell and say nothing about it. Even on here, sometimes I debate whether to express how I feel. Not because anyone has made me feel bad, but because I don’t want to sound like a whiner or something.

These are just things that need improvement in my life, though. Even from the Bible Challenge, where we’ve been reading in Proverbs, there are many verses that speak about the downfall of a man who cannot keep his anger in check. It honestly scares me to think about my anger, because I’m afraid of how I might hurt someone one day. Not even with physical violence, but even a word spoken in anger that ends up cutting much deeper than I ever intended. It’s all the more motivation for me to work on this vice of mine.

1 Thessalonians 5:25
Brethren, pray for us.
God Bless You In Your Fight!

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Brother I am here if you need to talk. Just feel free to express anything to me that is going on inside you Brother. Just be strong and don’t give up hope. Keep fighting and know that our Redeemer lives.

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