The Ambitious One's Diary - Growing up with losses

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406

Day 18
I have made more than 15 days after months .
Things are getting better . I am doing better but I need to improvise myself a lot more .
So number of holidays for festivals are coming up and sitting idle in my home is my biggest enemy . There will be lot of time and I want myself to be ready to make the best out of it instead of repeating the same old mistakes . So for prep , I will stay away from everything , from this moment . I will only use laptop and phone for checking personal messages , looking for problems and I will come to RC in night to do my check ins and stuff . Probably wonā€™t give myself enough time to post here much . All this to do before dushhera hits . Most probably , Iā€™ll go to my coachingā€™s office centre to study in free time. Many tests are ahead anyways .

Also , I slowly feel more like myself , I feel who I am !
I am backkkk
This one journey is like the pleasure of gaining yourself back after losing everything . The happiness to see yourself in the mirror smiling again , the true happiness which was lost to the darkness . Feeling more alive and that young spirit to do defeat everything which made me like this . Missed feeling so real from long . A lot of bad still exists in my mind , but I will push it all into the singularity of inexistence .
Iā€™ve had many long streaks , but this one is the best for sure . Not if I had learnt so much in last 1.5 years , I would still be that old regular kid . All of that must be worth it , and theres still a lot ahead . Even if I am having intense urges sometimes , the peace , happiness and clarity after 18 days itself holds me from going back there again . So This is what I was supposed to live it like , no fear , no boundaries and bravery in every step .
Though all of this , but more than a year of living my life like that wonā€™t get off of me so easily . It requires a change in beliefs , actions and thoughts and its the process will be long .

For in my spark , I know that this is merely a new beginning , simply put another transformation .

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Oh fuck no
I relapsed
This canā€™t be . Thereā€™s no way I couldnā€™t stop this . It was blackout , its like acceptance . The past didnā€™t flash this time . Bruh I came this far after months , its terrible
I thought this one would be a breakthrough , it was .
This is what I feared , not being busy enough and the urges overpower . I had held myself strongly after so long . The confidence I had that I could make itā€¦is gone .
Iā€™ll have to suffer from all that rubbish yet again , I am not getting over this .
The guilt is going to destroy me soon
I know my mistake

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Donā€™t fall in dispair. All we fall, but we rise again with more force.

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Bro I had so much force to improve myself and then always the slow but continuous urge get me . I have wasted so much like this

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My plans failed
Iā€™ll back at night

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So I have learnt my lesson
I fucked up bad
And I donā€™t know whether I will completely be able to get out of this . I have said it many times and written on paper but not able to execute it . Its very different this time , my hopes and motivation were high and I was beating urges bravely . But one minor mistake can lead to great downfall . Did I think it was going to be this easy . I loosened myself and this was the outcome . And that is life isnā€™t it , you are never sure what could come ahead . If I had a best chance to get out , this was it but Iā€™ll make sure that I learn from my mistakes , I had improved a lot but a lot was still missing . Things which were not directly related to this but play a 100% role . That is all I can do , thatā€™s all whats left with me . I do not know the outcome but I will fight again , every single time . I might have hell ahead of me to experience for some days again , but I have to learn to face lifeā€™s challenges not as burden to break me but embrace them to move ahead again . Now again , Iā€™ll have the prior motivation for a week or two and then it will start to loosen up again , it will get difficult again and I might fall before crossing the threshold . The idea of losing of again and again and not being able to comeback breaks my heart , it will soon break my mind too , but I have to be brave . Everyone around me is moving ahead of me , and if I keep engaged in this , falling again and again , destroying the opportunities to evolve , I will be left far behind.
Still I will fight harder . I have 9 days to prepare myself for the war .
I constantly feel I do not deserve the happiness I get after passing a few days , because I repeat the same mistakes again . But I do have learnt so much . There will always be two sides to thisā€¦
I will stand again with all that bravery . There are new things to do this time . I might not achieve the infinity but I must become the best in my finite . I will focus on what keep downing me , what I have been writing to fight again and again but not been able to achieve them

biggest of all , getting screen time to 0 , I got it down significantly in the weekdays but in the weekends , it spikes up . The result is here .
Secondly , not meditating - My mind is completely fucked up and the intensity of thoughts and dreams are dangerous , another major part for this relapse was the high urges to fantasizing due to uncontrollable mind .
ā– ā– ā– ā–  and urges were never the main part , it was my thoughts and distractions due to not being busy enough . It pains me that I did not focus on them primarily , theyā€™ve been backstabbing me for so long and each time I tried to take actions on them for a few days only . In the end , its not the willpower I was lacking , I did not focus on the other subsets . That explains to me why I had been successful in going long days , almost on the verge to get rid of addiction when I did not have phone and laptop and I didnā€™t have a broken mind .

And the last thing is why I never made it out of the addiction . The tendency to relapse multiple times after a mistakened peak instead of taking it as a minor mistake and focusing on how not to repeat it , I end up doing it many times before realizing it I fucked it up all again . I did it today too , the beginning was accidental but for some reason I felt too miserable , couldnā€™t focus and ended up using phone for long .

Well , here I go again . I am counting my screen and meditation time seriously .
I promised to myself , I would at least save three monthsā€¦a beautiful lie .

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It was fear that let you fall. You wrote the cause unconsciously.
Whenever you allow self-doubt to thrive, you create the chance for failure to take root. It may grow and give you bad fruits. As long as you donā€™t take off the roots that plant will still grow and might get stronger.

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Damn
Never thought about this
It is actually subconsciously true

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Another relapse
it always happens in a row . No surprise .
Feels like I didnā€™t even fight it this time
I truly killed the golden opportunity

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I have been lying always
Not this time

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Nope, thatā€™s not true. Itā€™s always the hardest after a relapse. This is where you need to hold your own. Itā€™s easier when youā€™ve racked up a lot of days and have a lot of momentum.

If you canā€™t persevere through this tough phase, thereā€™s no guarantee youā€™ll survive down the line despite another good streak.

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Yep
All of these months I am starting again and again only after letting everything out , relapsing so many times that the urges get over . No wonder I am failing continuously bcoz of it . This thing repeats again and again . I have not had a win over the most difficult phase - controlling yourself after a minor relapse . I used to fight very phase strongly earlier and made strong comebacks .
Now I am just mentally weak to even fight that period .

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I am lagging at a lot of spots , making me weak . And I think just another try without changing things will do it . Well , I did change a lot in this one but couldnā€™t control myself later . The small things add up , small things which I ignore and they cause my fall .
All I see an outcome of behaving as lifeā€™s victim for long , I lose the willpower to stand again and donā€™t avoid repeating the same mistakes . I had to face the challenges , not cry .
Nothing is changing until I lose my comfort zone .

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You are not weak brotherā€¦
Get up and fight back!!

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I understand the weight you carry, the burden of past mistakes and the frustration of perceived weakness. But remember, strength is not born from avoiding challenges; it is forged in the fires of adversity. Embrace your mistakes as lessons, learn from them, and use that knowledge to shape a stronger future. Itā€™s easier said than done but it wonā€™t be challenge if it wasnā€™t for it now wouldnā€™t it?

Itā€™s natural to stumble along the way, to feel overwhelmed at times. But do not let yourself be defined by your past. Take control of your actions, no matter how small they may seem. Each choice, each decision, adds up to create your lifeā€™s tapestry. Be mindful of the small things, for they can have a profound impact.

Release the victim mindset that has held you captive for too long. Stand tall, face the challenges head-on, and let your willpower guide you forward. Remember, it is in the face of adversity that true resilience is born. You are more powerful than you realize, brother. Embrace your strength and push through the obstacles and rise again!

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Understood brother :slightly_smiling_face:
That was Powerful enough to change my mind

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What Iā€™ve become :pensive:
Fapped 2 times to ā– ā– ā– ā–  . Couldnā€™t hold my social media usage, that was the main reason. I am repeating mistakes again everytime and I donā€™t seem to be able to fight it . Rising back after falling down is the most difficult thing . I have tests ahead and I wonā€™t be able to give my best again , I have telling myself that I will imrpove the next time for so long . This one looks over too .
The problem has been moving on very easily without incorporating new disciplines . I drained the little I could gain in 20 days .

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You shouldnā€™t have even used social media in the first place :grimacing:

No thatā€™s the fruit. The root is a no strategy, there is no plan and there is no system. Simply saying ā€œI wonā€™t fapā€ or writing tasks and living wonā€™t do anything. Ask yourself. Have I managed my time everyday? Did I take the necassary actions by eliminating obstacles? Do I have a strong reason to face the excuses of my mind?
Choose to be disciplined, not motivated. Getting up after losing everything, thatā€™s the strongest move any man can do. Motivation is just a feeling to get started. Getting up and doing something that makes you 1% better after a relapse wonā€™t ā€œfeel goodā€ except after doing it.
Deleting p.orn pics before ejaculation will feel like hell but the confidence after doing it is huge. Every small action counts. Getting up right now might save you from a dangerous future cycle and who knows, maybe reach a streak you could have never imagined.

Itā€™s easier said than done, but the harder the challenges you conquer today, the easier tomorrow will be.

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Yeahā€¦
I am ready to fight again
Made a lot of changes today .
For the first time , I had a small trip today and I could clearly see my ultimate goal . I knew my goal , but I did not feel it , one which I came here for , for which I was ready to study hard and I enjoyed the path to reach it . Only before I collapsed bad and wasted so much time . Things arenā€™t gone still , I have time , though less , to fill my mistakes with improvement . I can get out of this and everything which trapped me if only I make the decision to try and so I did . I acknowledge all the silly but effective mistakes I made . Its not who I am , its not I want to be and its not what I want to achieve . After all the detox today , my brain calls for the comfort zone again but I will not let all that happen again . Right now , I am weak , undisciplined , pale faced and unwise for my mistakes , but I do not want to continue being this , repeating the same mistakes everytime and hurting my self esteem . I have to overcome myself if I want to do to the other challenges that will come in my life . I must face and go through all sorts of pain I might face and sacrifices I will have to make , which I should have made long before . Habits I should have built long ago and the discipline I should have forged before .
Well , if the best time was yesterday , the second best time is now . I am not willing to lose any more time and energy . I am not ready to drain all the progress everytime , I am not willing all the habits I build to get destroyed after every setback . Its a lot harder to do than say but will try my best to watch my footsteps every single moment . And when I decide to let go of my actions , I should remember my goal , my parentā€™s hopes , my past hardwork and my future self .

Check ins for tomorrow -

  1. Wake up early
  2. Exercise + Meditation (been a long time)
  3. No devices all day
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This in itself has become a big challenge
but no pain , no gain

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