Lastly , I need to change my present personality . I am being quite cheerful and happy around others , its good for me most of the times . But sometimes it feels like faking myself , I am a completely different personality outside than I am alone and I don’t know which one is the real me . But I am sure I don’t like the first one much , I can’t be real enough . I do not need to change for others , neither I need to stay fearful of others or over accepting everyone .
But at the same time , the difference is created in my mind which lessens up with nofap for some reason . It allows me to be the real me , in both worlds . I do not fake anything and be the best version of myself . And so my better side is awakened by nofap itself , the wisdom I regain in my mind speaks more than I do . While like this , I only feel like a dead person living for some reason hes not aware of .
Overall , lots of hardwork and pain , killing the regret to discipline . The confidence and peace after that is incomparably beautiful . I have experienced it so many times , still I go for the fake pleasure . I have a lot to learn
But starting with a cause and change is necessary .
Good day
Not as good as I expected . But once let tomorrow pass , I have to make new amends . I have very less time left . Also , caught cold , winter just started . I was feeling too sleepy , yet I have a lot of work to complete , will have to stay awake late .
I like how I made this diary a year ago as a measure to fortify my habits and so that I don’t ever fall in the exact place I am in now…
Life is a beautiful tragedy
Well if darkness consumed me again
I have to conquer the darkness
Someone hacked my friends discord account and sent NSFW pics everywhere
I didn’t look at it tho.
But if anything happened,
How could you possibly escape something like this .
That’s why I don’t always rely on blockers , building mental strength is important so anything doesn’t affect you .
Even my discord account got hacked once, That dude sent “free giveaway stuff” to every group and friend. I got banned from one of the server because of that.
Man! My first instinct was to think that you were talking about the Chinese debt trap
Then I thought I should Google “Sri Lanka news” just in case you were talking about some disaster or other negative stuff that makes the news only to find out that you were talking about a cricket match
I have been sick for many days . Severe cold , cough and chest pain , going away slowly though . The medications are heavy , I feel dizzy and weak .
Although , in these days, I tried to spend some lone time and tried to find out what’s actually been hurting me inside or limiting my happiness all this time and I came across a lot of things , lot of false beliefs that needed to be thrown away . On finding them out in detail , I realized how foolish they were and I was not aware about them . And so I tried forget that those beliefs or thoughts ever existed , and the I have felt most free and peaceful in this year so far , probably in the last 2 years since I am struggling with myself . Because of all that was happening , I had become quite frustrated , shed my anger on everyone and felt stuck all the time . Now , I feel livelier , even if its my mind tricking me , I will acknowledge it but not fall for the urges again . I have felt urges in between but managed to banish them . I can see it going quite for sometime , urges might rise during the 4th and 5th weeks and I am ready with the right mindset . I want to change my life , I do not want to be the prisoner of my own mind but instead take control of my mind so that I can enjoy my life , the beauty of this world , so that I can use my wisdom in the right way . I have more than a 100 beautiful reasons to fight against 1 single minute of temporary pleasure .
It made me talk with people better , It did not feel like I was wearing a fake mask , I was me .
Going out with friends for a little fun break helped me rlly . For a while , I was apart from all that stress and sadness . Things in the last few days have motivated me in a lot many ways .
I imagined this year only as a failure , depressing , but looking back I mostly remember the things that I learnt from it . I have grown much mentally , not enough still much , a lot better than earlier . Low mental strength to comprehend my own failures was the reason I got myself like this long back . There’s more to this year , I want to make them beautiful memories…Winter is my favourite anyways .
Now with all I have learnt , with a glorious purpose , with beautiful reasons to change myself and a new version of me . I am willing to fight whatever takes me away from me , I am ready to face as many urges that come to deceive me . I am not letting myself get destroyed again .
“it’s not that you want to disappear it’s that you can’t find your true self so you hide not letting yourself be found”
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