The Ambitious One's Diary - Growing up with losses

Journal
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182

really I can send that picture, People will understand the relation

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183

yeah that’s so scary , I had no idea you can send something pathetic for no reason to look stupid :face_holding_back_tears:

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184

I will not, I will maybe tease you but I will never do it unlike you, or obviously I can change my mind and share some secrets

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Arre bc tum log bhi na :joy::joy:.
Aadi is close to his mom aur itne time se bahar the toh likha tha maine.

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You thinking to reply that for 1 hr explains it :joy:

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12 Feb

Hell of a day . I don’t know what’s causing what , so many things are happening together :skull: . But I like it , motivation keeps going up and down . Prominent feeling right now is clouded and discomforted mind with lots of anxiety . Don’t know its happening because of sleep or what , I wasn’t able to focus on sums or remember answers , silly mistakes and even while learning I felt like not concentrating completely and kept checking whether its getting in my mind ,or this or that . So much energy drains in this . I wise man once said that I keep thinking about what’s happening to me . I found it partially correct .
I gave social test in the morning and was feeling calm surprisingly , no idea why I feel anxious and tensed only at home and not in the exam hall , but its relative , in the previous test I was anxious . After giving the test good , I was feeling motivated and everything seemed focused and clear but within a few hours I again felt like that . I need to separate myself from thoughts and feelings and just believe in myself .
Mom returned home today . She was very happy and not stressed after so long . I couldn’t share anything considering my father was at home and I couldn’t make stressed .
I fkin need to stop thinking that something’s wrong , everything is fine . I can do it . Get it in my mind .

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17 Feb

Relapse 2

I have no idea how tf it arrived . Went from smooth to absolute nuts . I even didn’t masturbated this time :sob: . I was just having sexual thoughts from yesterday and already lot of mental pressure . I should have ignored those thoughts but I sticked to it because of dopamine . I woke up at 6 but was feeling sleepy so went back to bed . Started having sexual thoughts again and I accidentally relapsed while laying on bed . I didn’t do it myself but semen loss is semen loss . Idk what will happen now . It is the worst time this could happen , exams in less than 9 days from now . I was already struggling so much because of the last one . Took me many days to heal . Now I might have to get worse . Leaving behind all expectations . I was already dealing with memory issues and brain cloud . Now I can see it only getting worse .
Well I need to forgive myself and note down the reason . If I strengthen my mindset now , I will not break in the upcoming days . God there’s so much fear rn , I am in a place where its difficult to calm down myself . I can just hope for the best and prepare for the worst . From now on I must not give myself anytime extra time to worry and have to just prepare as much as I can .
Causes of this relapse :–

  • Overthinking as always . Everything was going fine but I was worrying unnecessarily about this and that .
  • Not being overconfident but not underconfident either .
  • Not getting out of overthinking and letting thoughts play in the sub conscious .
  • Fear
  • Laziness

What I can do now -
Understand mistakes . Accept it and move on . I need to gently move on so I do not burn out . I was facing burn out from few days because of some reason . Whatever happens , I need to believe in myself .
Do not worry about the future about which you have no idea in the present . I can just keep working hard and not compare with others .
Feed positivity and cleanse my subconscious .

God Give Me Strength

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189

Seems more like a nightfall to me.
Plus you didn’t watch pornography so that’s a plus too.
Don’t fret. Just focus.

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190

Yes
thanks‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

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Update :
Spent 1 hour for meditating , workout and yoga under fresh air . Feels fresh and calm . I sorted up things in my mind . No matter what comes ahead , I just don’t have to fear .
Anyways , some mental chattering is still there . I will meditate more to get it clean .
BE POSITIVE

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192

Haso mat daro bc :skull::coffin::coffin::coffin:.(bc= bilaayti chhokre)

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193

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
20terrenkots

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194

Its nice to see you play chess everyday. You’ve still got ways to go but you do play solid.
Keep it up :+1::sunglasses:

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195

Damn
So you have been spectating me :joy::joy::joy:

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Haha Day before exam
Was feeling nervous and worries so writing this for myself -

I have almost fully prepared , just need to look after writing and reading section more . I have given my best . Now , whether I would be clear or confident enough , or the paper will be hard or tough , or I would have a good sleep (yeah I am having thoughtful sleep , not a new thing ) . I just need myself to know that I have done all what that there in my control , what happens tomorrow out of these cannot be controlled by me and in whatever condition I might be , I will perform my best . I need to trust on my abilities and give the paper confidently . Whatever is lost , is lost but do no lose what you can have now . Believe in yourself and believe in god . Everything will be fine :person_in_lotus_position: .

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Best of luck
Be calm and relaxed. We all know you know that you will go great✅

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yeah dude
thanks :star2:

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199

All the best bro ! Tumne bohot ragda hai :fire::fire:. Slayyyy it!!!

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Thanks :slightly_smiling_face: :slightly_smiling_face:‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

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Arey kehna kya chahte ho?

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