The accounts of M1lldhouse

One major thing I have been learning the past year is how everyone has their own crap that they have to deal with. And depending on the load, others can belittle and judge harshly.
I had an experience where I was visiting my in-laws in Chicago. They are black, and everywhere we went they would have me do the order if it was a restaurant, or ask for assistance, or reserve a place at Red Lobster. I was a little curious so I asked my wife why do y’all have me do everything? They strait up told me. "If we do it we get crappy service, or we get inconvenienced more than others or we just don’t get help we ask for.
First off I’m a small town hick boy from Wyoming and I never experienced the type of treatment that my family was facing.
Second off, I was shocked at how there is still a barrier, not as big as the news claims but still it’s there.

Some people’s attitudes can make an event or special occasion a crapfest just because your different. I hate this with a burning passion. Hasn’t Christ said time and again to love your neighbor???

There is a barrier for everyone whether your white, black, Latinex, LGBTQ+ etc.
People are trying to find their own ways. And they don’t need other reminding them on a consistent basis of how different they are.
Yes we all are different. GET OVER IT. They already know what it is you feel like telling them.(unless it’s something like you have a stain on your shirt, or your shoes untied. Stuff like that to be helpful).
If you are a soul who is more helpful and finger pointing. Don’t chew worry bout a thaing.

May God Bless you. And may your day be wonderful.


I have a question for you reader not an immediate answer question, but one that will take some thinking. It you have been like me then you have spent many months focused on the negative, the plighted. What if you looked at the positive? What is one of your most cherished memories, one that can never be tainted or destroyed by life???
May God be with you, and may you find your good memory that can outshine even the darkest crevasse.

My most cherished moment was when I saw a documentary about a boy who was born without hands and all he wanted to do is play with the other kids on the playground and swing over a rope like the others.
They gave him hands surgically, they slowly filled with blood and became enlivened, he was donated hands and when the procedure was completed and he woke up, he was overtaken by joy and started playing with the other kids. that touched me

another moment was the day of graduation, I volunteered to make the speech, my partner stood me up and I had to do it alone and I prepared it hastily the evening before and then I went up and began the speech and suddenly I was locked in, no anxiety and I performed the speech perfectly and when I stepped down I was a changed person, the rest of the day was like in a dream, I could not say a wrong thing, I was so overwhelmed of joy I warmed everyone and I could talk to anyone, I remember I was walking down the alley with a girl in my left arm and another in the right arm, this was the best day of my life


Much has happened…much has happened… I’m going to be honest here, my cage has been rattled by several factors. Son’s surgery went well, no complications.

Signed up for classes officially. Talked with an advisor who gave me pretty good insight. My wife’s been hit hard a little by my last relapse. She saw the number ten and we both put our guards down and I relapsed.

There are times in life where things don’t go well or don’t go in a certain time frame. Well I learned that time frames are reliable, but be prepared to have plans A through at least E lined up.

The truth is Life is just a big mess where everyone is trying to make their way In a place made by others who made their way before them. I used to think everything was the way it was and it was set in stone never to be altered.

But even the strongest mountain can be vanquished. I have been at this addiction for most of my life…it sucks to say but there you go.

The majority of the things I wanted in life didn’t go the way I thought it would or it didn’t turn out the way I planned. I still love my life. I’m still getting my degree.

Remember the things you want will most likely happen IF you put the work and sacrifice into it. And remember the things that you can’t control like natural disasters, unexpected emergencies like an E.R. visit.

Life’s messy, get in there and make something beautiful out of it.

Always remember no matter what God loves you, if you have any questions please ask I will most likely answer.


This past week has been draining. Watching a rambunctious baby who is uncomfortable is exhausting. I wanted to just lay on my bed and do nothing but I got on my feet and did things. Another thing that I felt like I battled with a lot was complacency. Getting past a week was exciting but I let my guard down and decided to lay in an inertube on a lazy river than keep my guard up.

Maybe it’s the nice weather? Maybe its comfort in knowing everything went right with my young one? Whatever it is I learned that I need to keep doing my best.

It’s like going to a grocery store hungry. You grab any food you see and get it only to realize after eating a bit that you didn’t want that.


What can a clear conscious give? What is a clear conscience? I’ve read through several forum feeds comments, inquiries, and researched cunfuffle. And one thing I have been seeing through myself is that my mind is more clear conscience wise.

You could say my Jimminy Cricket is happy with me. Why do I find this important??? With help from my companions and my wife I found that being accountable has helped me have a more focused or clear mind.

We all know that feeling of watching a banana and slipping with it. Or at least I assume we do. (I.e. slipping on a banana as in relapse for those who are confused) the rest of the day can be mucked up with the crummy feeling or foggy haze that lingers over. I tend to think well fuck I couldn’t keep it together for another measly moment. And my mind just hyperfocuses on the fact that I relapsed making both my mood, and productivity tank hard. It takes me at least a few hours to even pull my head out of the dirt.

Something @ChristianMan commented somewhere earlier like a few months ago was to not count the days. (I’m paraphrasing of course) I don’t remember the exact phrase or comment.

Since beginning the journey just having the knowledge that I’m fighting has helped me feel better, or if you will more confident. I don’t have to be chained down by this. Yes I screw up some days worse than others, but knowing that I’m fighting and abstaining makes me think of what other things I could do or conquer.

I hope this doesn’t sound boastful or mocking in any way and if it did let me know. May God be with you all, if you have a comment or question, I’m all ears. After all I still don’t really feel like I know what the crap I’m doing some times.

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Be the best version of yourselves. No one can be who you are. There is no possible way to do so. I mean I guess if you pretended but that wouldn’t be real. We all have passions and gifts for a reason.

One side effect I think porn wafta off is how meddles with you passions and our desires. The things we love to do aren’t as enjoyable, or we aren’t in the mood to do them.
That has been the case for me. I love writting and ever since I’ve been hooked I’ve had some difficulty in expressing my thoughts and ideas. Recently I was able to lay out an entire plot line for a book I was writing plot twists character development, ideas kept popping into my mind.
That usually doesn’t happen with me. Is it due to abstaining? I’d like to think so. Maybe it wasn’t but all I know is that I was able to enjoy typing on my computer and coming up with new ideas.

Love what you do, and find ways to express your passions. Maybe one reason why you can’t find the joy in drawing the perfect line or writing that line that just oozes passion and adventure, is because of PMO?? You never know that block could be caused by something totally reversible.
I’m just expounding right now, I don’t scientificly know or have the time of information about abstaining. But what I shared has been kinda what I’ve been feeling lately.

May God be with you, if you don’t believe in him, then have a great day or night. If you have any questions please ask I will do my darn hardest to help. If you have any insights don’t hesitate.

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This week has been dark. My mood, my motivation. I don’t know what it is exactly but I just feel tired. I need relief if that makes sense. I feel like I have been carrying a pack meant for four people and I just want to sit down and rest.

Don’t worry I don’t want to fap or watch, but I mean I’m just worn out. We have been packing and I have been working on this old desk that has been painted. Finally got all the paint off and it’s ready to be stained a beautiful finish. It feels rewarding to accomplish something like that. Now every time I have homework I can look at the beautiful desk and think of how beautiful something can become.

This addiction has been taking it out of me. Like I just got done sanding the surface for hours. I’m exhausted but I’ve started to see progress. I have been able to make it to 12 days!!! Aha!!! I used to be four to five times a day…and now this.

Sometimes you just have to sit back and admire the beauty of life. Yes it is hard work, I feel like a slave sometimes. But I think that’s how God intended it.

If you are reading this and are down or having the feels of a bad relapse. I DARE YOU to think of five good things about yourself…they can be massive things or the smallest thing like I like my freckle on my arm.
Post it in the comments and think of five more things.

May God he with you, May you find relief from this war.