One major thing I have been learning the past year is how everyone has their own crap that they have to deal with. And depending on the load, others can belittle and judge harshly.
I had an experience where I was visiting my in-laws in Chicago. They are black, and everywhere we went they would have me do the order if it was a restaurant, or ask for assistance, or reserve a place at Red Lobster. I was a little curious so I asked my wife why do y’all have me do everything? They strait up told me. "If we do it we get crappy service, or we get inconvenienced more than others or we just don’t get help we ask for.
First off I’m a small town hick boy from Wyoming and I never experienced the type of treatment that my family was facing.
Second off, I was shocked at how there is still a barrier, not as big as the news claims but still it’s there.
Some people’s attitudes can make an event or special occasion a crapfest just because your different. I hate this with a burning passion. Hasn’t Christ said time and again to love your neighbor???
There is a barrier for everyone whether your white, black, Latinex, LGBTQ+ etc.
People are trying to find their own ways. And they don’t need other reminding them on a consistent basis of how different they are.
Yes we all are different. GET OVER IT. They already know what it is you feel like telling them.(unless it’s something like you have a stain on your shirt, or your shoes untied. Stuff like that to be helpful).
If you are a soul who is more helpful and finger pointing. Don’t chew worry bout a thaing.
May God Bless you. And may your day be wonderful.
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I have a question for you reader not an immediate answer question, but one that will take some thinking. It you have been like me then you have spent many months focused on the negative, the plighted. What if you looked at the positive? What is one of your most cherished memories, one that can never be tainted or destroyed by life???
May God be with you, and may you find your good memory that can outshine even the darkest crevasse.
My most cherished moment was when I saw a documentary about a boy who was born without hands and all he wanted to do is play with the other kids on the playground and swing over a rope like the others.
They gave him hands surgically, they slowly filled with blood and became enlivened, he was donated hands and when the procedure was completed and he woke up, he was overtaken by joy and started playing with the other kids. that touched me
another moment was the day of graduation, I volunteered to make the speech, my partner stood me up and I had to do it alone and I prepared it hastily the evening before and then I went up and began the speech and suddenly I was locked in, no anxiety and I performed the speech perfectly and when I stepped down I was a changed person, the rest of the day was like in a dream, I could not say a wrong thing, I was so overwhelmed of joy I warmed everyone and I could talk to anyone, I remember I was walking down the alley with a girl in my left arm and another in the right arm, this was the best day of my life
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Much has happened…much has happened… I’m going to be honest here, my cage has been rattled by several factors. Son’s surgery went well, no complications.
Signed up for classes officially. Talked with an advisor who gave me pretty good insight. My wife’s been hit hard a little by my last relapse. She saw the number ten and we both put our guards down and I relapsed.
There are times in life where things don’t go well or don’t go in a certain time frame. Well I learned that time frames are reliable, but be prepared to have plans A through at least E lined up.
The truth is Life is just a big mess where everyone is trying to make their way In a place made by others who made their way before them. I used to think everything was the way it was and it was set in stone never to be altered.
But even the strongest mountain can be vanquished. I have been at this addiction for most of my life…it sucks to say but there you go.
The majority of the things I wanted in life didn’t go the way I thought it would or it didn’t turn out the way I planned. I still love my life. I’m still getting my degree.
Remember the things you want will most likely happen IF you put the work and sacrifice into it. And remember the things that you can’t control like natural disasters, unexpected emergencies like an E.R. visit.
Life’s messy, get in there and make something beautiful out of it.
Always remember no matter what God loves you, if you have any questions please ask I will most likely answer.
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This past week has been draining. Watching a rambunctious baby who is uncomfortable is exhausting. I wanted to just lay on my bed and do nothing but I got on my feet and did things. Another thing that I felt like I battled with a lot was complacency. Getting past a week was exciting but I let my guard down and decided to lay in an inertube on a lazy river than keep my guard up.
Maybe it’s the nice weather? Maybe its comfort in knowing everything went right with my young one? Whatever it is I learned that I need to keep doing my best.
It’s like going to a grocery store hungry. You grab any food you see and get it only to realize after eating a bit that you didn’t want that.
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What can a clear conscious give? What is a clear conscience? I’ve read through several forum feeds comments, inquiries, and researched cunfuffle. And one thing I have been seeing through myself is that my mind is more clear conscience wise.
You could say my Jimminy Cricket is happy with me. Why do I find this important??? With help from my companions and my wife I found that being accountable has helped me have a more focused or clear mind.
We all know that feeling of watching a banana and slipping with it. Or at least I assume we do. (I.e. slipping on a banana as in relapse for those who are confused) the rest of the day can be mucked up with the crummy feeling or foggy haze that lingers over. I tend to think well fuck I couldn’t keep it together for another measly moment. And my mind just hyperfocuses on the fact that I relapsed making both my mood, and productivity tank hard. It takes me at least a few hours to even pull my head out of the dirt.
Something @Finding_Myself commented somewhere earlier like a few months ago was to not count the days. (I’m paraphrasing of course) I don’t remember the exact phrase or comment.
Since beginning the journey just having the knowledge that I’m fighting has helped me feel better, or if you will more confident. I don’t have to be chained down by this. Yes I screw up some days worse than others, but knowing that I’m fighting and abstaining makes me think of what other things I could do or conquer.
I hope this doesn’t sound boastful or mocking in any way and if it did let me know. May God be with you all, if you have a comment or question, I’m all ears. After all I still don’t really feel like I know what the crap I’m doing some times.
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Be the best version of yourselves. No one can be who you are. There is no possible way to do so. I mean I guess if you pretended but that wouldn’t be real. We all have passions and gifts for a reason.
One side effect I think porn wafta off is how meddles with you passions and our desires. The things we love to do aren’t as enjoyable, or we aren’t in the mood to do them.
That has been the case for me. I love writting and ever since I’ve been hooked I’ve had some difficulty in expressing my thoughts and ideas. Recently I was able to lay out an entire plot line for a book I was writing plot twists character development, ideas kept popping into my mind.
That usually doesn’t happen with me. Is it due to abstaining? I’d like to think so. Maybe it wasn’t but all I know is that I was able to enjoy typing on my computer and coming up with new ideas.
Love what you do, and find ways to express your passions. Maybe one reason why you can’t find the joy in drawing the perfect line or writing that line that just oozes passion and adventure, is because of PMO?? You never know that block could be caused by something totally reversible.
I’m just expounding right now, I don’t scientificly know or have the time of information about abstaining. But what I shared has been kinda what I’ve been feeling lately.
May God be with you, if you don’t believe in him, then have a great day or night. If you have any questions please ask I will do my darn hardest to help. If you have any insights don’t hesitate.
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This week has been dark. My mood, my motivation. I don’t know what it is exactly but I just feel tired. I need relief if that makes sense. I feel like I have been carrying a pack meant for four people and I just want to sit down and rest.
Don’t worry I don’t want to fap or watch, but I mean I’m just worn out. We have been packing and I have been working on this old desk that has been painted. Finally got all the paint off and it’s ready to be stained a beautiful finish. It feels rewarding to accomplish something like that. Now every time I have homework I can look at the beautiful desk and think of how beautiful something can become.
This addiction has been taking it out of me. Like I just got done sanding the surface for hours. I’m exhausted but I’ve started to see progress. I have been able to make it to 12 days!!! Aha!!! I used to be four to five times a day…and now this.
Sometimes you just have to sit back and admire the beauty of life. Yes it is hard work, I feel like a slave sometimes. But I think that’s how God intended it.
If you are reading this and are down or having the feels of a bad relapse. I DARE YOU to think of five good things about yourself…they can be massive things or the smallest thing like I like my freckle on my arm.
Post it in the comments and think of five more things.
May God he with you, May you find relief from this war.
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This experience happened on the floor of my bathroom. I had a heart to heart discussion with my wife. As we talked I realized a list of things
*It’s ok to not be perfect
*God wants us to be perfect, but he doesn’t want us to toxically chase it every waking moment
*I have had to high expectations of myself
*I need to stop thinking that others are more out together than I am
*Everyone struggles with something
*Holding all the stress and worries to “be the strong father” only makes things worse
*My relationship with God has been severely drained
I know I’ve got things to take care of, but having a good helpful group helps keep me aware of what I need to focus on. (@Finding_Myself & @anon69203515 ) and me wife.
Love you guys.
Knowing that there are people who are willing to listen and help makes me feel so relieved and hopeful. Find people who uplift and not deviate your progress.
May God be with you, and may your relationship with him be strong.
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Sorry man to demotivate you
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Okay man you helped me a lot
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I prayed today. And as I prayed I realized…I haven’t talked with God personally in a long time.
I usually bless the food or pray at church, but I haven’t sincerely prayed since my mission…
I felt guilt beyond anything I’ve felt, and shame. Here is God warning me through church through the scriptures and through others…and I’ve just, I’ve just been ignoring him.
Do I know better that God? No. I’ve gotten so stuck I became addicted. I’ve been relying more on this-this junk instead of listening and asking, and pondering.
I know it isn’t too late. If you’ve ever met a member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints(aka a Mormon) then some of you know. Oh they are always happy, or they are always doing service. One thing I often here in church is it’s never too late.
As I prayed I felt like for a moment I might have gone too far, or dug too deep… I feel like I’ve had a mask superglued to my face. My wife’s been helping me see my true self again.
It’s ok to dislike things, it’s ok to say no even though it could help others, it’s also ok to ask to see if they need help. It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to scream, it’s ok.
As I prayed, I felt like I was making a call to someone I used to have a strong bond with… Is it ok to ask for help from someone who you haven’t talked to in a while???
I asked for help from him, I hope I will be able to see his hand helping.
May God be with you and may you face your fears with courage.
Almost forgot I downloaded blocking software, I learned that I needed the extra umph.
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I originally thought I was delving into depression again, but it just turned out to be a conglomerate of stress from major tests and massive essays. As soon as final grades were posted all that stress dissipated. Taking classes as a dad, husband and trying to ensure that I pass every class to help my family financially is a burden I never realized carried a tremendous amount of weight.
I’ve been so focused on working and attending classes that nofap has been cast aside like a hobby of unimportance.
I’m sure this sacrifice is worth a lot, but I keep thinking Bout what if I kept at it? How many days would I be at? I know that days aren’t meant to be compared but for some reason I just feel like I entered a triathlon here and I keep getting exhausted and falling on my rear.
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Jan 23rd
Lately everythings been going south, got in a car accident, ive been having to decide what i can and cant afford, things keep breaking on me. My phone died randomly. It has been feeling like the world is pointing their sights and scopes directly at my family and me. Ive been trying…but ive been so stressed with trying to keep everything together that im half tempted to put all this aside until I feel like I can breath.
But…if i do that then what am i doing for myself??? My mind keeps wanting to point the blame onto myself with everything thats been happening, even the rediculous inflation. Idk
Im still here i guess.
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First things first, I didnt give up. Im still a fighter. Life is so crazy that i often forget how messed up it feels sometimes. I feel like i climbed atop a hill and am taking in the scenery. Sniffing in that fresh air and sweat of hard work. One thing im ridiculously excited for is my next son to come along June cant come any faster.
Some of you know im christian. And looking through this journey ive discovered that i have to see beyond my religion and dig deep within myself to understand my relapses. Bodies arent perfect and ive been going through a major spell of depression and anxiety. Im afraid of failure. Im afraid that i will never be enough to help those closest to me. And ive been seeing more and more that thats perfectly fine. The fact that i try, or the fact that i reach out to help at all is amazing.
Ive been soo microfocused on trying to get every detail of my life right that i feel like ive been building my own isolated box. And nofap and me sat aqwardly next to myself.
Well, the flames high and i made sure to tape nofap inside the box without me as i watch it burn.
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So, are you a member of that church?
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Yes I am still an active member of the church I attend.
I remember someone telling me stick with your guns, if you don’t know what that means, it is to stick with what you know…what horrible advice. Maybe this will churn your thinker, it has with mine.
Honesty. Specifically being honest with oneself. When I was younger I was into theatre. I liked it so much in fact that I learned how to act normal and happy Infront of others, but inwardly I wanted to disappear or vocalize apologies, to whom? me, God, random friends at random times for no apparent reason. It felt that no matter how many times I said it the act the feelings of gunkiness and self loathing just clung to me. Every time I’d cave into pmo it just felt thicker, until one day I just snapped.
I didn’t feel… I would look into the mirror and see someone I couldn’t recognize. The reflection followed me, but it didn’t feel genuine. My mind felt like a static radio with no channel and no voice. I snapped out of it one random day while listening to music, a passion of mine. It stirred an emotion that I haven’t felt and it was empathy.
Since then I have been trying to be more honest, even when I know those closest to me can’t handle another act of pmo, or distrust…I’m ashamed currently and everytime I think of lieing I remember that young teen suffering in the mirror.
I either need to fight harder and get more professional help and treatment, or I need to do the exact opposite, because fencing this habit isn’t good for my mental or emotional help. This might be my last post, might not, I don’t know for sure yet. To be honest, I’ve been moving farther away from media and the internet more than I’ve ever before, and honestly it has been very helpful. I’ve been studying the scriptures more and meditating more which has been helping me have a clearer sense of my emotions. I’ve been realizing that life isn’t worth moaning and whining about things that are in my control, I’m just still learning the reigns of myself.