The accounts of M1lldhouse

Regression of doings and suppression of desires only leads to depression, hope that makes sense. You could have handled ot differently by channeling your attention somewhere else, but that’s not the point. The point is that you gotta accept and move.
Know this that success for a fapstronaut is the movement from one failure to another failure without the loss of enthusiasm.


Thanks man those insights were very helpful, I will try channeling it into different things.:smile:


Day fourteen

I’ve been challenged to follow one method of no fap and see how well it works. At first I wanted to go with the classic look for every blessing, but I don’t think that will really help me personally. Instead I dug in and looked through some techniques others used to abstain.

One that I saw which made me smile and excited was to write. Whenever an urge comes, or inspiration comes write down your feelings and experiences, or basically anything you want. As a ametuar writer myself, :nerd_face: I immediately thought of different ways of doing this. I could carry around a tiny journal and everytime an idea or a thought or any reason to write I would do it.

Ultimately I decided to follow this until next Tuesday and I will report what I experienced.

One other thing entrusted upon me is to meditate, ponder, sit silently and do nothing, whatever you call it. I will call it practice to levitate. Anyway I’ve been challenged to meditate at least one time per week. At first I thought phhhhht easy. I can do this in my sleep. Meditation isssss…going to be tricky. My mind is like a tiny road runner, if I let it, it would go to fricken China and back. My mind just takes any topic and goes whatever direction it wants. It’s like an untamed mare wishing to galavant in a felid of lavender. Meditation I’m guessing will be like a father trying to teach his eager child who found the miracle of a gas pedal to brake… I can do this yah phhht I can… I’m going to do my best, give it my all…pray for me.

My day was interesting. Can’t complain, work was work, I was planning to go to a park with my family, but Wyoming weather is fairly bipolar, and it began snowing sideways again. Haven’t really felt any urges today, but I’ve been staying alert.

Like always if you have any advice. Feel free to express them through typography below. Any question I will try my best to answer(I’m not perfect) May God be with you and thank you for splurging over my words.


Day fifteen

The day kind of drug on for me. Like I was riding a giant snail with a saddle on it. I’ve had a couple of bananas threatening my thoughts, but a little slicing and dicing and they were no more.
I thought some about how I’d meditate. I think it would be fun to go all out, climb a mountain summit and sit on top while meditating, or dressing the part like getting the proper yogi robes…but I am both not in the mood to climb a snow covered rock nor can I afford any fancy loose cloths that blow in the temperamental breeze. My meditation day will be on Saturday either the morning or laterish evening.
My writing was successful so far. I wrote a couple questions that often cross my mind like, what would life be like if thoughts were spoken and things we say are thoughts. Like switching a role. Idk made me think a bit distracting my mind.
If God came knocking and said, Milldhouse you dont have to worry about PMO anymore, it’s cleared you will no longer have the guilt, your forgiven…idk how I’d handle that. Like would we just go about our lives no longer concerned? Or would we be back at square one because even if we’ve been forgiven we’d still have the mindset??? Idk
I also wrote down a couple short story ideas and more ideas for the books I’m authoring.

One big thing I’ve been wondering…does meditation take like a full day?? Or like a few moments?? I know you clear your mind, but like how!!! How do you not think about anything. I would absolutely love to know.

As always please if any advice comes to mind feel free…NO feel obligated to share. If you have a question, I will either help answer or make the question more confusing…maybe…probs not. May God be with you, and know that you are loved.


Another Day,

One thing I’ve been trying to focus on in my books is how one character reacts to another characters actions. They have personalities, and likes and dislikes. Like us, but they can’t act of their free accord.

This made me think of my life and how I acted when someone did something or said something. As apart of writing, the author observes people in action, wether it be a coffee shop, or a grocery store. I’ve began noticing that my actions have been more sassy, or sharply angled as of late. If someone said something that I didn’t like to hear I felt my body tense up or my face wind up into a scowel.
Outwardly others would see a grump of a man, but to me I’m just trying not to harm or offend someone else. This made me think. Why do I think the way I do?? Why do I disagree with this person across from me?? Do they feel open and comfortable or do they feel on edge because of my attitude. As of late I’ve been finding my attitude in need of serious tweeking and adjusting.
There’s a time and place for everything, and I need to be better focused on where I am and what I am doing.

That’s one major thing I realized while writing.
Also I learned what kind of meditation I want to do. Mindfulness meditation which Is the practice of being an observer of the thoughts that come and go in the mind. I read that and thought ok I feel like I can do that.

If you have any questions please ask, if you feel like addressing anything I brought up feel free to put your two cents in. May God be with you and guide you always.


Day something

I’ve decided to stop counting because I feel like a prisoner doing that. I had many urges today and I almost relapsed. I meditated and wrote down things that came to mind letting them pass on dissipating into the nether. It did work it took my mind off of PMO and I felt grounded.
Meditation is no joke. It seems to have worked fairly well. I will most definitely do it more often. I think writting will also help, but in case it might not work for certain things I will keep adding to my belt.
If you have any ideas what method I should try I am all ears, I haven’t really found one to try for this upcoming week yet.
As always if you have any Q’s I will most likely answer, if you have any advice PLEAS E Do not HESITATE, advice away I am a blob of clay ready to be molded, shaped into a beautiful vase or a bowl. May God be with you and watch over you.


Today while attending church, the class I was in decided to talk about the topic of how Gods ways are not our ways. That made me think. What are God’s ways? In church we all discussed how God doesn’t care about worldly possessions and the way the world works.

I also thought about how I can get caught up with everything going on. Money isn’t that important, but it is important enough to make sure that my family has enough. Or no the latest trend isn’t important, but it can give me something to talk about.
In church we also covered having a balance with everything. Anyways, got back home, and my thought kept shooting wraunchy ideas and thoughts. I managed to get rid of them, but man I felt like a child with someone waving candy Infront of them. Why do we get tempted? I know the general we are being tested, but why else?? I’m not meaning to sound like one of the escapees from pharaoh in Egypt when Moses released the 10 plagues, I know I need more faith and trust in this part, sometimes I wonder if there more to know.
One major thing, if you could pray for my son he’s getting surgery on the 4th of May. And I’m getting fairly anxious.

As always ask and I will most likely answer. If you have any tips or tricks, don’t be shy show off that stuff. May God be with you and help you in this journey.


Hey man, :sparkles: may the fourth be with him :sparkles:


Upon further inspection through several articles, Ted talks, videos and perusing though some books I’ve come upon several inclinations that you all might find inspiring or helpful in some form or another.

The side effects of PMO are thus:

Excessive spending on pornographic material, sometimes at the expense of necessities

Engagement in risky sexual behavior

The use of porn to cope with difficult emotions like pain, anxiety, and sadness

Consuming porn at risky times and moments

Feeling anger at being advised to reduce porn consumption

An inability to quit porn despite efforts to

Experiencing shame following porn use, but being unable to stop the habit

Progressing to more extreme forms of pornography to find pleasure

Finding sexual intercourse to be less satisfying

Hiding porn habits from sexual partners and others

Masturbation creates nervousness and neurological problems

Masturbation causes stress and strain in your mind and soul.

Masturbation creates more problems as you lose your memory and thought-provoking ability.

Masturbation is not the end of your desire; you may be fooled by your own practice. It will never give you a solution or a satisfaction but seems that it gives.

It is not needed in any way to your sexual life that it has to be practiced without fail.

Guys who masturbate will lose interest in sex with their wife very soon. They can’t feel pleasurable for a long time.

Pornography has a direct causation to low self esteem.

Pornography severs love between two loved ones. Due to it’s dissenting abitilty to reality.

Pornography makes the mind think in ways that aren’t a natural process to the brain originally.

In Reality:

It has taken me but 2 hours to come up with this list of effects on PMO. Many symptoms of which have led to a clear and concise answer as to why I have been beating myself up and destroying myself mentally.

Know this. All of these effects are 100% reversible and can leave no trace of it’s effects given a procurement or abstinence.
I looked up the majority of these facts I will go back to look at this often to remind myself what will happen if I don’t get my act together.


Another day another dollar.

I am writing in the middle of the day because there is a lot on my mind. First and foremost I got this huge wave of sadness like all my efforts are going to no avail. Tied along with it is an urge to get attention and focus, idk why. I think it has something to do with my history of performances and choir and all the drama. I just want to call my wife and gripe and moan about every little thing. It’s snowing outside, work is taxing, I want to give in, I want I want I want. Man I sound annoying. Anyways. I’ve been looking for books to read to improve ones attitude and outlook on life. If you know of any books let me know.
I keep looking back at that list I made and boy it’s eye opening. I know that my current mindset is due to the PMO and I am going to stay strong through this. So far my wife thinks I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and boy did I.
Rambling at this point. Hope you all are doing gooderish??? I know God’s there and he wants what’s best.

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It’s been a few days since I wrote on this, but I figured that I should update myself. My headspace is in a good place again. The main thing that was getting me was how I’ve been treating myself after each relapse. I spoke with a church leader in my area and he sat me down and explained to me that although we need to realize the wrong we do, we don’t need to whip ourselves on the back and wail and mourn. He also said that Christ has been through it all. You think it, he’s experienced it.

Yes I f*xcked up at a young age delving me deeper and deeper into this abiss of addiction. But there is a way out. I was reading the which I’ve been figuring all y’alls have read as well, and it said that there is absolutely no positives to porn. your porbably nodding your head thinking yah, I’ve read that.

Anyway. I decided my life is too important to mope and bitch about like a whining cat. I’ve done my bitching and hollering. I have no excuses, my stresses are things that I have to deal with, my disappointments and let downs happen for a reason.

I’ve got a family to look after idk about y’all, but I don’t want my family torn apart I want to feel more closely. I want to enjoy life and not have a gloomy attitude.

This is what I’ma do about it. I’m exersizing more but I’m going to try to do calisthenics (wish me luck). I’m also placing myself on a schedule. I’m only going to be on social media and tempting areas next to my lived ones so they can keep me accountable. And if I’m alone I’ma call some friends up and chat with them. I haven’t really talked to them in a while so this should be fun.

I’m not looking to change every little aspect of my lifem just enough to shake things up.

Anyway. Hope your well, if not let me know. I have ears to listen, no one should hold in their discouragements. May God be with you. And if you don’t believe, may you have the strength to push forward.
If you have any questions please ask 'em. If you have any comments please share them.


Today I stared a challenge where I have to stay positive. It started off good. but around lunch time I was reminded of my son’s surgery. Normally I’d be fine because he had a surgery before. But the surgery he had I had so I was fine. But this one. I’ve never experienced.
It and it’s out of my knowledge. And more often that not the idea of not knowing something is nerve wracking. Even though the majority of the time everything usually turns out okay.
So I began thinking about it and I tried thinking of a good thing. Not going away, I open up the holy book. Nothing seemed to stick out to me. And so I rested to the last wave of help. I got down and I just started doing push ups and squats. Once I was done my body felt like jello and I thought about that instead of my son.
I was asked why I did it and I told and then I was entrusted with knowedge that made me feel like I wasn’t the only one going through anxiety or stress, or fear of something that I couldn’t control alone. Thanks Chris.
One more reason why I’m glad to be apart of this forum is that there’s so much support and the feeling of belonging.
It’s good to know that I’m not alone. And I don’t have to go through anything alone. This experience reminded me yet again of Joseph in Egypt. He went through hell. He stuck it out and pushed through and he was able to do marvelous things.
May God be with you. Ask away, I’ll try to answer away. Any tips? Tricks? Any magical spell to make me superman would be wonderful haha.

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Oof that one hit me hard

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Today I’ve been doing some thinking. The cogs in my head have turned and made their course. I remember the first time telling my wife about my addiction. I was confuflled, anxious, and panicked inside. I didn’t know what to say. My heart, it felt as if it would leave me like I have been afraid she would leave me.

I was shocked when I told her. She was calm, collected. It felt like she was willing to put up with anything. If I told her I killed someone she would just smile and say where do you want the body honey?? I told her everything relevant. She listened took my hands and with teary eyes said. I still love you, we have a lot to work on, but I still love you.

The feelings left my chest. I felt as if every load bearing self deprecating thought was lifted. For one strong moment I felt as though everything was alright. Now I’m here thanks to a friend. As I have been thinking about this experience I realized that our minds can do twisted things to us. If we over think a dream or passion it can be twisted and we could never realize how capable we really are.
I have been able to keep a positive mind today because of not only this but other positive memories. We all have them. Wheather they be small, long fat or buff. They are there.

I have a question for you reader not an immediate answer question, but one that will take some thinking. It you have been like me then you have spent many months focused on the negative, the plighted. What if you looked at the positive? What is one of your most cherished memories, one that can never be tainted or destroyed by life???
May God be with you, and may you find your good memory that can outshine even the darkest crevasse.


If you have looked at my info you would have seen that I am a Christian. I believe in Heavenly Father, his son Jesus Christ and the holy ghost. As I have thinking about the positive aspects in my life I have been seeing just how much I have been able to see numberless miracles.

To name a few. I’m in my late 20s and still attending college. I thought I would have my degree, and have a full time professional career by now, but I took two years off to serve a mission for my church. I was able to help countless people. Thinking back to these memories I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I have a son who is full of life and although he is loud can light up any room. I also have been able to see the miracle of words on this forum. Non of us know what we look like or how we sound. And still we can connect to each other in touching ways.

Technically my positivity challenge is over but I still want to focus equally on the positives as well as the negatives. I still need to wedge down and look through my self deprecating past to find all the reasons why I cling to this addiction. I hope that once I find the root. I can kill it and be able to rise above.
May God be with you. Remember he loves you and wants to see you joyful.

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I’ve been doing some more thinking. Ever since I’ve discovered this addiction. It seemed to have clung onto my esteem like a leech. Like whenever I get down or anxious or any emotion that has to do with anxiety depression, panic, fear. Literally everything that doesn’t have to do with happiness, joy, feeling accomplished or similar such emotion.

I’ve noticed more and more that I just talk myself down, or beat myself up if I make a mistake, or if I do something stupid, or if I don’t feel like my best. And honestly that’s natural.

I did research earlier (aka looked on Google for hours) and found that the addiction creates the negative emotions or feelings. I think (hear me out on this) that when we feel these horrible things our mind instantly turns to PMO.
Does our addiction make us feel horrible? Or does us feeling horrible turn is to our addiction???

I mean. Idk but I hava been noticing within myself that when I mess up, like not listening to my wife clearly, or making a mistake at work, or putting a diaper on my son backwards. Or feeling inadaquit, or thinking I’m not sexy or hot(WHICH I AM BY THE WAY)
May God be with you. If you need any help or advice. Don’t hesitate to reach out.


Theres a monster inside me. Sometimes it’s awake….sometimes it’s in a lull. I remember sitting in a padded pue as a young man. Hearing about the sins of the world and hearing about the effects that they can have. You’ll be ripe for Gods punishment You will tear your family apart. Phrases like these rung inside me. Making me fear more than connect with my church.
I remember the very first time feeling the monster wake up inside me. It felt amazing and I wanted more. At first it seemed too good to be true. We’re my church leaders actually lying to me? but when the feelings of pleasure wore off, there was this pit, and in this pit a small monster was present it looked cute. Then I saw it’s claws and saw how it carved out this pit inside my body. Howling and snarling inside me. It’s cute face grew into a hungered raging gnaw. At first it didn’t say anything, but the more I indulged. It began to grow, and claw for more room. It began speaking to me.
It’s words took on feelings of shame, guilt and hopelessness. Even when I studied about the savior and his works I felt far more lower that his reach.
Days turned into months, months into years and I’ve tried to stop the monster. I was able to ignore it for a short time of 3 months. And for a second I thought it was gone. But one day it came and when it came I wasn’t prepared. Its dark fur riddled body lunged at me. It’s sharp claws gouging even deeper inside. I gave up. I let it have control let it feast on whatsoever it desired. Images, videos, anything that brought it’s desire heightened. It always wanted more.
I was serving my mission. The pit still there whenever I’d help it would go away. So I decided to help anyone I could see. Whether it was serving in a homeless shelter, or weeding a garden. Giving to the needy seemed to numb it’s effects.
I felt so fake. Like my face was made of wax covering the real me the being this monster was turning me into. My mission ended. And it raged on.
This time wanting me to reach outward to others. As I dated I felt two faced. I acted like this guy every girl wanted. But deep down my will was the monsters will.
I don’t know what it was. Fate? A blessing from God seeing me suffer so. I met my love of my life. And for once it felt as though the monster had no power. We got married, and now have a son.
This monster though. Keeps scratching at my walls. One day I fear it’s blood stained teeth will break out of me and I will be unable to do the things I desire. It’s been so long with this thing. Part of me feels like I should give it a name, try to befriend it.
The friend I have always been talking about is actually Christ. You see as I was serving I learned some things about him. I learned that through studying the Bible that he knows all of God’s children by name. Not like Santa more connected.
When I learned this I felt hope. If Christ knew my name, then surely he knows my struggles, my pains. How I see myself in the mirror or talk about myself.
If I look at myself too much I fear I may see this creature morphing into me. I feel disconnected with my wife. I told her about this monster and she has taken measures to help, but I feel if gawking and smirking at my attempts.
I joined this forum, and at first I felt like it would be magic water. But then I read, and as I read I understood that there are others with monsters just like mine. I read success stories of shrinking the monster to a point where it could no longer harm, and I felt what remained of my heart leap.
You see I fear. I fear that if I keep giving this monster what it wants, it will kill me, or it will get out and destroy everything.
So far I’ve been able to make it past a week. Seven whole days of starving a monster was brutal. It hollered and moaned it tried to claw. I almost feel bad for it.


Took me a bit to find this, but this might help you out:


That’s literally what I was describing!!!

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Today has been great. I am finally able to start the registration process for my classes, and tomorrow’s my last day of work. I started looking myself in the mirror every morning, and say good things about myself. If I remind myself of how good I am, then the old negatives will be replaced by them.

We confirmed our son’s palete surgery. In seven days my son will have a complete palate and will begin therapy to speak more clearly. Right now he calls me Gaga because he can’t say the d sound.