The accounts of M1lldhouse

A plea, sent out through the midst of the digital space as this weary traveler drew in a raspy, and hoarse breath. This traveler was loosing a fight in which has been battled for years. If he were to collapse the battle might end. He no longer had hself to fight for. Through the weary travelling, he found a love and was able to have a son who he now desperately tries to protect.

That traveler is me, and the plea was heard by a friend who listened to what was going on and directed me here.
Although the beginning that I described sounds fanticized, the battle is real and the struggles and the accounts that I will be sharing here is indeed real. Please respect and listen if you wish.

Yesterday was chaotic, I had a screaming baby in one arm and a pile of things that needed to be done in the other. Throughout the day, my son got krankier and krankier and has had little sleep because for no reason whatsoever he decided that being awake was more fun than nap time. Fun for him, but hearing loss for me.

I love my son, if a burguler came at us I would karate chop the miscreant in the face that’s how much I love my baby.
I don’t know what it was though, weather it was the combination of things to do, or the piled on stress that I have no control over, but I caved.

I indulged in pornography and I splurged…literally. this hasn’t happened just yesterday but over and over again throughout the past. The pain that I feel and the shame that I have is so tense that I feel like a snake has been slithering all over ever so slowly tightening it’s hold. I needed help and that’s where my friend came in.

Anyway I set up an account and I explored a little and found some mates maybe? To help me along I hope, and I hope to be of help here.

Does anyone have any tips for distraction from the urges?

Wish me luck :crossed_fingers:

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It’s crazy to think that I have actually started this.

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Day 2

I keep looking at the clock expecting a miraculous explosive event to happen, like a dolphin jumping out of a cake. Or God whispering to me that I don’t have to go on anymore it’s done I don’t have to worry about PMO. Maybe that day will come, maybe not, but. Is that really something I should be looking towards just waiting for? A moment in time to pass by to make me feel better? Like time is a magical drug like a steroid without it’s liver eating, blood thinning, hair balding effects?

You may think this thought process to be deep, but I often come to think like this every now and then. If God didn’t mean for me to feel this crappy about myself, then how am I ever to feel the good times in life. When I got married to the sexiest woman ever, that was more than a good day. Or when I got to see my son’s eyes for the first time. Just thinking about these moments bring tears to my eyes.

If I had to choose to go through life getting succer punched in the jaw every time a good thing happened or not get punched and have a more bland less joyful experiences occur, then punch away. I want to see my blood on the ground if that means that I will See God again, if I can look Christ on the eyes and smile with missing teeth. I know I wont be perfect, but I can with tear stricken eyes say. I did my best

A wise man once told me last year we were all spirits with God before gaining a body. And we have been spirits much longer than we have been here on earth. So it’s safe to assume that we are more comfortable with godly things than sin. Our spirits rejoice whenever we choose good.

One final thought, to me being honest means the world. If one can be honest it means that they have nothing they are holding back and loose. It means they are willing to trust.

If anyone has some advice on how to better maintain ones urges I’m all ears, and if you have a question, I will most likely answer.

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Day three.

I was pretty close to reaching day three, but I relapsed. Part of me just wanted to wale out and give up but. I remembered what ChristianMan told me on day one.

So I slapped myself, told myself. “Get ahold of yourself! Your not the only one going through this!” cleaned myself up and have been searching everywhere for motivation. One thing I do for work is with laser CADD Machines in cutting leather, wood and even metal goods. Whenever I’m done working my cloths, hands and even face and hair are covered in black soot and ash.

As I was cleaning myself I saw the blackness run off me like a flash flood of filth. And it dawned on me. This process sometimes torture it feels like, is scrubbing us clean both body, soul, and mentally.

Another thought or song came into my mind. One year in choir we sang a song called Hold on just a little while longer. Feel free to look it up. Any version is a good verson to listen to.

As I listened to the lyrics in my head I felt a calming strength. Like a man holding his hands out in open fire, trusting God that he will be safe. I don’t advise walking into open fire, it was just an analogy, but that’s how I felt, like Satan could throw anything at me and I’d just be fine.

Because his actions can’t harm me, only my actions can. My friend told me once, Satan can bruise your heal, but we have the power to crush his head.

Again if you have any advice, or thoughts please let me know. And if you have any questions I will do my best to answer.

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Day four

Have you ever felt that life was like the movie/book series the giver. Everything you see and feel is grey and bland. Yet it sorta felt glitchy like some things stuck our more than others. One main thing that I want to highlight is how motivated I became by the end of the day yesterday. I have been able to have a goal in mind and seeing it in my mind made me feel like a child looking at a night sky full of stars in amazement. Those moments felt so alive and exciting.
So here I am goal in mind and I’ve been doing killer so far. I decided to start studying the scriptures, particular the old testament. One story that gravitated to me is the story Of Joseph and how he gets enslaved in Egypt. A particular scene yelled at me. When he was alone with Potiphar’s wife he fled and got himself out. I remembered this happening, yet being here today I see how when he physically fled from Potiphar’s wife, he was able to escape temptation.
As I read him getting imprisoned and finally becoming second in command of Egypt (I’m paraphrasing a lot right now don’t judge me.) I thought about how his life was full of twists, unexpected turns personal gifts used to aid him and in the end. I feel as though because he had faith and trusted God, he was blessed every step of the way even when he was imprisoned.

What has God done for me that I’m not seeing? What things do I need to work on?
These questions I hope to answer with time.

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Day five.

I was born different than the average person, still normal just different. I was born with a couple genetic mutations called BPES and cleft lip. The early years of life everything was fine. Mostly because I have two other siblings with BPES. This mutation is one where the baby while still in the womb would have eyelids that did not fully grow so I couldn’t open my eyes fully. When I was born they had to extract a small portion of my thigh muscle and surgically make it so I could open and close my eyes. So I guess I sort of look Asian, but I’m not I’m 70 percent Scandinavian decent.

And my cleft lip had to be surgically closed so I could have a normal lip. Every now and then kids would ask why are your eyes so small? And why does your lip have a scar.
It got to a point where I just wanted to tell them a cool story like I got in a bad bike accident but I always said.
It’s because I was born like this.

Now I wasn’t aware of this and I’m more than certain that those asking weren’t aware of it but it rooted a huge problem in my self esteem. How I looked or acted in front of others.
I was always aware that I looked different, not too different. But just enough to the point where people would ask. And I didn’t feel like I belonged
By the time high school rolled around I was more shy than anything. The only real people I had a close relationship to was my Best friend and my family.

I heard about pornography and I learned about masterbation online. And while everyone was busy, I would go on and search and search. It took away the feeling of indifference I didn’t know how it did it, but it was changing me and I didn’t see until it was too late.
I was addicted ever since. Now I’m here and looking at all of this writing I have been realizing that I have a massive load of baggage to sort through and get rid of.

I’ve since learned from my experiences. I no longer care what others say about me unless it pertains to my career or it is required of me. I have grown empathetic towards people in need or help. I did a two year service mission helping the homeless and working in homeless shelters.

People are important and special. Not one is more or less important than the other.
Even though I look different, I am just like anyone else.

If you have questions I will most likely answer them, and if you have any tips or tricks to overcome PMO. PLEASE I am all ears.
God bless and remember your story is important.

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Dude I’m working on a lesson, and I used Potiphar’s wife in it. I love that story!

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Have faith brother… we will know it, if not today, some day we will.

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Thanks for those words, it can be frustrating at times that’s for sure.

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No way!!! I love Joseph’s story as well!!!

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Day six

Why? Why do we fight? Why do I hold the bloody sword banged and mangled? Wave after wave PMO presses against my mind. It feels crippling at times. Do I dare give in? Making the wave disipated for a little while just so I can catch a breath??? Or do I fight on ever pressing, never lessing?
I decided to come up with a poem.

My bones may crack, my armour break
My sword, and Shied will I partake
Against the enemy fore at hand
And beat against this monsterous band

For they seek my flesh and bone to crumb.
To grind me up and make me dung.
To all the world with shame and grief.
Should I still search for heart release?

Or will I go with sword in hand?
My hands be bloody, my spirit glad
I’ve fought and fought till end is nigh
And see the savior at my side.

It still needs some work, but I figure that this was a good representation of the day. I almost gave in today. And that thought is making me rethink how I should go about this.
What tactics should I change? My companion @ChristianMan has been very helpful and I want to be able to do the same.

What ways can I improve? How can I help? Time to hit the research and do my best.

Like always If you have any question, I will most likely answer. It you have any tips. Please let me know. May God bless you and your endeavors.
Let’s kick some PMO arse!!!

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Day seven

Its officially been a week and I’ve learned a lot. I ended up relapsing a few times but That’s ok. I don’t have the power to lift Excalibur, or Thor’s hammer…YET but I am already on the path.
The weapon I currently have is too weak I’m not able to take down as many urges as I hoped. With proper training and discipline I feel like I can be the best I will be and I will be able to handle anything thrown at me.
One huge weakness I have is not being able to adjust well to change if something heads south in a moment. This day is beginning to teach me and show me that change is good.
I recently planted some of my wife’s favorite Lillie’s, and they have begun to sprout up.
My hope like the flower is only growing and soon in the coming year, I will no longer hope but know all the steps and techniques, so if my son ever struggles like I have, I will be able to help him too.
If you have any advice or tips, please I’m all ears. If you have any questions I will most likely answer. May God bless you for all your endeavors.

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Day eight

has been about refocusing and tweeking what I can change. Figuring out why we at times make bad decisions, striving to make good choices, and changing as needed are all part of accountability. I found that online.(don’t ask me where because I’m too lazy to go look it up)
It has been hard for me the past few years as I’m sure it has been hard on everyone.

One major hardship was at the beginning of the pandemic. My wife and I have been planning to get married within our church and we had the dates set, we had the invites sent out, testing the cake, and beginning our process of decorating for a reception that was going to be huge. And withing a week all of that came tumbling down.

I watched silently like a castle made out of sand driffed away, ever dimming, and ever leaving.
We were set to be wed in the beginning of March two years ago and the pandemic forced shut down was happening. Churches, public places, parks, gyms, stores were closing like dominoes. We tried everything.
We called people who owned businesses. We called our college, we called other bishops. But in a snap of a finger everything was closed. We were crushed, and I was furious at God. I remember holding my fiance and weeping. It felt like the sun was dieing on our future.
In my church we believe strongly the sacredness of marriage and the beauty of companionship. And when the pandemic happened it was as if God ripped that from us. I remember calling my best friend unable to do the very thing God wanted of us. I was bawling barely able to make out whole sentences.
But then a crazy unheard of miracle happened. My wife’s bishop called. He told us that he was a pediatric dentist and that his place was still open. In a glimmer of hope and love he opened the basement of his business so we could get married.
We didn’t get that grand beautiful marriage my wife and I had always dreamed of, we got something more. My wife and I, my brother and her brother and sister attended as we said our i do’s in the basement of a pediatric dentists office. There were 3-D cuttouts of African animals with white shining teeth as our background, and most importantly we were able to be married.
Our family was able to be there through video call and my family learned a valuable lesson that day. You don’t need grand weddings, or big parties to celebrate joyous days, but the knowledge that what we do on this earth matters. No it doesn’t determine everything or make us who we are, but the choices we make last eternity.

Every year my wife and I laugh at our beginning, and as I ponder about how I started here, I can’t help but smile because I’m starting to understand Why God wants me personally to follow him, and why denying ourselves of instant gratification can be a blessing that can be often overlooked.

This addiction is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be, but I am beginning to realize and see that all the pain, all the tears, all the frustrations will be worth it.

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate, I will most likely answer. And may God be with you and strengthen your endeavors.

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Day nine & ten
You know when you get so busy that two days feel like one? These past few days have been like that. One major thing that kept popping up as I have been trying to come up with things to improve in my life is my feeling of inadequacy.
There are days where mentally I just don’t feel smart, yah I’m going to college and know how to do things with my hands. But there are moments that just overwhelm me. This also directly correlates to my esteem because I start getting down on myself.
I have decided to add to my list to help me improve this like exersizing eating right and making sure to talk about it to others.
Some of you might say that being too busy is a good thing, but for me it is not. There are times I get so busy that my stress just mounds and grows and I end up slipping on a banana. It’s also the same for me when I don’t do anything at all. I get so worked up about having to do things that I end up getting over stressed. So another thing to keep in mind for my list is to not have it too long, or too short.
I need to be busy, but not too busy. I need to find my balance.
The same goes for my hobbies. I love playing the violin, gardening, book smithing, book writing, puzzling, gaming, biking, singing. Need I go on???
I have plas to do when I don’t have things to do. So I’m going to have to rotate through them or something.
Luckily it’s finally the weekend so I can take a breather from work and spend time with the family.
This week was pretty eventful productivity wise and less eventful everything else wise.
I’m done being a machine for this week.

If you have any advice please I’m all ears. If you have any questions about anything I will most likely answer. May God bless you and uplift all of us.

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Day ten.

Was a good day I was able to make a list of things to focus on to help improve both my life and my environment around me

be there for my wife more
Be there for my son more
Start conversations with strangers
eat the better food. Like if someone were to offer me chips or salad I’d grab the salad(even though it’s meant for cows)
Exercise 4-5 times a week (starting at home and when at new college go to the gym)
Get to bed on time(turn off electronics and distractions)
find opportunities to help others (whether it be mowing a lawn or helping them in other ways)
See any blessing or good thing that happened during the day and record it so I can look back at it
Remind myself that I don’t suck and that I’m a pretty cool dude

My wife decided to randomly check my account to ensure that I am still going strong, and that is both helpful, but on my more darker side makes me crazy.
There have been random times throughout the day where I feel great, but then instantly my mind wants to do anything to fall. As of right now, I’m doing good. My wife and @ChristianMan have been keeping me in check.

Have you ever felt like a ticking bomb? Any second it could go off without a warning. The seconds slowly ticking. And one trip or thought could set it off. Should I be scared? Should I just feel the explosion? Or should I diffuse it or find ways to difuse it? These questions have been on my mind recently.

As always if you have any advice im all ears. If you have any questions I will most likely answer. May God be with you and guide you.

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Day eleven.

Well soldiers, it’s been about two weeks since I decided to become PMO sober and so far I’ve learned the basics…I think. My superiors have issued me an order that I must keep, and should I fail I will have hell to pay, both literally and accountably. My wife expects tip top shape!!! And no one, not even the second in command disobeys that!! No sir!!
Every time she asks I show her that number. If it goes down boy. Only heaven knows. Satan’s been trying to best me with grenades, hell…even machine guns. I havent quite yet. I’m in this trench and I smell blood, I see fire. The screams of other sodliers giving out. I gotta make it for my family.
I gotta make it for my salvation. If I can’t do this…how will I face God in that final troop roundup??

As always soldier if you have advice you best give it. If you need any I’ll do what I can. may God watch over you. Troop member 1287 signing out.

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Twelve days,

Have you ever felt 30 years older randomly? Right now my entire body feels like it’s been through hell. My mind, emotions and body feel like they’ve been through a fist fight with life and my entire being is drained.

I need to fight on though, because if I don’t who will? Christ set the example, and I know that I can do this. Like I said I’d rather be bloody and bruised than knowing I didn’t give it my all. I read in in the bible take up the cross and follow him. Mathew 16:24 (king James version)

Who knew denying oneself could be so draining. Maybe I just need a stretch or a good meal and sleep. After all. Pain is weakness leaving the body right?..right??

A question that keeps cing into my mind. Is my goal stronger than my desire to PMO? I also kept wondering when this will end? When will I be on the other side not having to worry about this? A leader in my church told me that there are some trials and obstacles that will never go away, addiction is one of them. He also said that you can’t just overcome the addiction and forget about it. It will always be there taunting you and trying to get you to fall. It is your job to rise above it and saty above it.

I hope with all my heart that everyone here is trying to rise above it and not just try to conquer it. Life can suck. It can at times beat us down and give us no mercy. These days more than others. I hope you find this well.
I hope with all my heart that you will never give up. I know I wont.

If you have any suggestions please I’m all ears. If you have any questions I will most likely answer. May God be with you brothers and sisters. Though hard nothing is impossible.

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Nope

Already said that, more than once.

Wish I was trying too. Hit a rough patch. I’ll be alright.

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Day thirteen

Shit hit the fan, and I didn’t like the feeling. Went to work thinking I was doing super and my boss ripped me a new one. And the stupid thing was my boss didn’t remember laying into me like he just pretended that he didn’t hurt someone.
I just turned my caring meter off. I didn’t care about the work I was doing, didn’t care about nothing. And that’s how I usually did it. Whenever a massive turd would cross my path and try to stain my mood, I’d just let them stink up the place and turn off.
Last night…my mind just wouldn’t stop thinking about what happened. I need it to stop, and I mashed the banana.
Do I regret it? Yep. Should I have handled this differently, yep. Idk

If you have any advice lay it on me. If you have a question or a quest in need of exploring, I guess I can take a gander. May God be with you, and know you are never alone.

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Well said brother… well i guess it’s the tautology of our mind and we gotta accept it. I don’t suppose you should be scared, cuz we r being scared by merely visualising certain timelines with our limited intellect, and you know, i know, that the engineering of the world is done by the infinite intelligence and we haven’t tapped it yet cuz we were busy doing YesFap :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: u get the explosion, you gotta feel it, no matter what you do to escape, you can’t just escape. By diffuse, i’m assuming you mean annihilating your urge to fap. Well, it’s easier said than done, that’s what all of us here are trying to do and you are among us. I bet it’s very hard, but as long as oir weiner is soft, i suppose we can annihilate this satanic leech.
It’s just my opinion, i could be wrong. If i am, do correct me.
Good Luck!

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