Day 0
I left for a good while. I was just so tired of disappointing everyone, disappointing myself. I wanted to fix things and come back with a solid head on my shoulders. But obviously that hasn’t worked out great. Last month I relapsed a ridiculous amount. This month has been better, been keeping 5 day streaks with one relapse in between.
But in reality, that’s not great considering my track record. That’s where my shame is, because I’ve clearly been in much better places. It’s one thing to go for gradual change when battling a lifelong addiction. But I made it to 175 days, I know I am capable. Yet I accept a mediocre method.
That’s not to say I don’t think my spreadsheets are better to have in addition. Because it’s clear that on my last streak I became so discouraged by my relapse that I plunged into a shame ridden cycle of shit. And I think that could have been mitigated had I not put my entire ego into my number streak. As addicts, we will always have urges and we will always deal with this addiction in our minds in some way. It’s the human condition. To relapse once in 175 days is no large loss. It’s something to be expected in a way, not to say we should aim low, but rather we should realize our humanity.
And that’s where I made my mistake. And ever since, I’ve just been absolutely stuck in this rut. Applying myself now in the middle of a rough semester has proven really difficult, as my priorities lie in my education rather than in leaving time for healthy, discipline related exercises. It’s very hard to find time to journal, and my classmates take no breaks. If I want to keep up, I’m frequently finding myself putting everything aside and sitting at the computer all day to code.
But coming back here is a start, but it’s not the end of it. I’m really trying to change things, learn, adapt, and overcome this. I don’t want to change, I am changing, because I have to. I have to change. I’m 21 for God’s sake. When I first came here I was like 18 or something. Fuck my life. I’ve been trying to beat this for 7 years. That’s shit. Obviously I can’t say I didn’t make progress. I’ve learned so much in a lot of that. But these last two years specifically, I should be done with this.
Anyway, I’m not here to declare the classic “THATS IT!! IM DONE WITH THIS!!” statement and then relapse again.
I’m back, and I’m back to learn and engage in the community, I’m back to grow myself and make real effort. Coming on here means nothing, committing to a journal a day means nothing if I don’t use it in a way that changes my behavior. It means nothing to do routines if I don’t put my heart into it and if I let my strategies stagnate.
And most of all, it won’t mean anything if I don’t learn to respect myself. Not just in the sense of not relapsing, because that’s only a symptom of my lack of control and self-respect. I’ve learned recently that I still hold onto so much shame. I hate myself, I really do. I hate everything about myself. And I have to change that. Because otherwise I won’t make the decisions that are right for me, I won’t take care of who I am and my future.
All of this discipline, it’s always been so cold-hearted, I’m playing tyrant over myself because deep down I hate who I fundamentally am. I feel like a waste of space. I have no special skills, no talents, never dated legitimately, never had a long-term job, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I speak, and I hate the decisions that I make. I have physical problems with my skin and my stomach, dietary sensitivities, slow-learning ability, social awkwardness, no confidence, no friends, and most of all, I have this fucking perverted addiction. I feel that I will never be loved, and I’ve never had a girl be interested in me, or at least not for very long.
So there’s that, and that above is what I carry around in my head all the time. Not comparing to anyone because I’m sure there’s plenty of guys on here that have it worse, that’s not my point. My point is, I genuinely hate myself and that needs to change. I need to be less self-critical, and more self-supporting.
But not mindlessly. I need to accept the reality of the things that I cannot change about myself, and realize the vast potential of things I can change. I need to realize that there is a limit to how much I should let external factors affect my self-image. And most of all, I need to adopt a growth mindset in all areas of my life, not just education.
I won’t ever change if I can’t learn to see things differently. Because as I realized before, in my last high streak, it’s all mindset, it’s all about how you tend to your mind. Because every decision starts there.
Anyway, that’s my speal for tonight. Goodnight.
