Special Bird's Daily Journals

Diary
81

Day 1 - Dec 24, 2020

I want to change so bad. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt the negative effects of PMO to the level I feel now. And it amazes me how fast this year went by.

Not going to play any games past 10 tonight, that’s my rule and I will not break it. If I do break it, then I’m pretty much guaranteeing a relapse. I have to make the decision to follow my own rules and to change my behavior, otherwise it will never happen, because no one else can make that decision for me.

Going to do a lot of reading today. If urges come I do push ups and journal, if I get urges at night, it means go to bed. A lot of times the urges try to twist my thoughts and desires to make me think I want to relapse, and it’s been happening so subconsciously that it’s hard to counter. I *need" to prioritize the journaling for this reason.

I think another thing is making an effort to go outside occasionally, I think that’s important. When I went outside yesterday I felt so much better. Being in front of a computer all day, every day can be difficult.

Anyway, merry Christmas Eve everyone, stay strong!

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Day 2 - Dec 25, 2020

Last night went well, I followed through with my set rules and didn’t play games past 10. Got to bed on time. Feeling good about that. I want to keep the same rules as yesterday for today. Reminding myself now that if I get urges towards the end of the night, ignore them and go to bed, I’ll feel way better doing that then relapsing.

I was thinking about how weird it is to type the current year, I accidently typed 2030, but it made me stop and reflect. I don’t want to be here in 2030, but I very well could be if I don’t change this, and it would be way easier than it seems. All it takes is to not try.

Anyway, merry Christmas everybody, stay clean out there :muscle:

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Day 3 - Dec 26, 2020

Last night I stopped all activities and got to bed, took a bit longer than I wanted and didn’t get as much sleep, but I pulled through pmo-wise.

I’m really glad I didn’t play with my friends last night, as I see now they were up until 4 am lol. No thanks for me, glad I can wake up today and feel good.

Last night I cleaned up my entire room, got rid of a bunch of junk, dusted everything, and it feels so much better. It’s not a cluttered mess anymore and my stress is a lot less about it now.

I’m pretty tired today, so I need to be on the lookout for urges later tonight. Stay strong peeps :pray:

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Day 5 - Dec 26, 2020

Had to get up and rush out the door yesterday, and then was out all day, so I forgot to journal. But I’m doing well!

Last night I got to bed on time and didn’t play games late so I’m very happy about that. Need to make sure I do that tonight too. I think the key is winding things down at 10, and not starting anything new. That way I’m done with whatever I’m doing at 10:30 and can get in bed.

Urges have been on the down low, but if they come back I still have my plan. Push ups and journaling to point out the lies in my thought process.

Been feeling a little down about life lately and I don’t want that skewing my vision going forward with this. Especially considering I’m fairly sure this is one of the only, if not the sole reason why I feel down about life.

It could just be some withdrawal effects. So I’ll take the feelings with a grain of salt and not dwell on them too much.

Anyway, hope you guys are staying clean and doing well :muscle:

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Day 0 - Dec 25, 2020

Ug, I hate coming back here to say I relapsed. But I did. The mistake was obvious once again. I had urges yesterday and I resisted them well in the day but I wouldn’t journal even though I told myself I would. I was working on the group project and played the same tactic of “I don’t have the time right now”. That’s a lie.

And I should have journaled as that would have helped me make a game plan for later in the night. If I had journaled I probably would have never got on to play games and wouldn’t have stayed up late nor relapsed.

The biggest trigger right now seems to be my reluctance in going to bed when I should and not playing games. But it’s less about those in the moment decisions and more about what decisions I make throughout the day. Journaling is important, and if I want to succeed I have to make the effort to do it when I get urges, no matter how confident I feel about resisting them.

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I Stuck in same Problem, Playing Games till in the morning and messing up my sleep cycle.
Also i Think the Chaser effect got me cuz this month i relapsed the most.
Stay strong Brother i like your Posts they help me keep going peace.

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@Dane1989 Thanks brother, I appreciate it. Yeah it’s really difficult to manage my sleep schedule when I play games every night with my friends.

I think I’m going to have to limit it for the rest of this week at least because I can’t seem to beat the chaser effect either with my current daily habits.

Stay strong as well, and thanks for following my journals :slightly_smiling_face:

Day 0 - Dec 30, 2020

As I was saying to Dane, I think the obvious solution here is cutting back video games. That’s been my trigger and the source of my relapses every night. Not once have I relapsed anywhere else other than after I play games with my friends, which is usually from around 11 to 12.

All my other implemented strategies have been working for me well, but it’s not those that I’m lacking commitment in, it’s my willingness to say no to my friends and spend time offline. Which I need to by the way, because there are several things I haven’t completed this week because I use my free time in this way.

I’m tired of wasting my own time with this, I really am. And I’m tired physically because I always miss sleep.

So the plan for the rest of this week. No videogames tonight, period. No videogames tomorrow night. I’ll tell my friends I can play Friday. But on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, if I play I can only play from 6 to 7:30. I need to absolutely be off the game by 7:30. That gives me an hour to play and 30 minutes to wrap it up. That also keeps me away from staying up late. If I get it done early then I won’t be obligated to stay up later when everyone is online and wanting to do things.

I think where this threw me off was that my friends and I used to play a game that was structured with matches. So it was easy to call it after one or two matches. But this new game is like a grindfest and there’s always something to do. So it easily engulfs your time and it’s hard to say when to stop.

So I think it’s vital that I follow these time rules instead. My friends will be disappointed but I’m not going to cede. I need to change. I’m so tired of watching my days waste away, both to porn and videogames. I’m tired of not being confident, tired of being chronically depressed, tired of not being interested in anything. I’m done with watching the years go by and realizing, once again, that I have not broken this terrible habit.

I will change.

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Day 1 - Dec 31, 2020

Good day yesterday, despite being tired, I did not give into chaser effect urges and I did not play games with friends.

Tonight, again no videogames and I need to be in bed by 10:30, so that I can fall asleep by 11. I’ve set alarms for myself leading up so I don’t forget, as I want to avoid being up late in general as that is a huge trigger and I’m not productive at night anyway. Better to be up earlier in the morning.

The key here is not losing sight of my goals. I need to change my daily habits in order to avoid needless triggers, otherwise I’m just sucking myself into a black hole.

Anyway, hope you, Dane and whoever else reads this are doing well. Stay strong and stay mindful :muscle:

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Day 0 - Jan 1, 2021

Yesterday went fairly well despite the relapse. I didn’t play video games and I got to bed earlier but didn’t completely reach my goal.

Focus was hard after my relapse and I feel like I’ve been slackin on my work.

But it’s all been incremental progress. As for the relapse, it’s a long story as to why I thought it was a good idea, but more mind games pretty much sums it up. Not listening to that again. And clearly I should have followed my plan for urges, push ups then journal. I shouldn’t wait till “it gets bad”. As soon as I feel a pull to even edge, I should be journaling.

Today is going to be tricky. I’m allowing myself some time to play games 6 - 7:30. Which means I can play for an hour and then wind it down and absolutely be off by 7:30. It’s going to be hard as I know my friends will want me to hang out longer and will wonder why I’m leaving so soon, but I’m not going to give in. This is important for me.

The other thing I want to try to do is maximize my time. I have lots of things I’ve been wanting to get done, but it seems like I never really do them. I always end up just watching videos on youtube or something. That needs to go. If I can’t get myself to do one thing, then I’ll start smaller until I can do something. If I build up enough small tasks I’ll eventually have the motivation to do bigger and bigger ones. But just doing nothing is not acceptable for me.

Anyway, want to try to make today a good day today. Stay strong out there :muscle:

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If games are direct reason of your relapses than you MUST cut them off.
It’s very sad to see you relapsing often recently. You can have big streaks as you used to have. And what is saddest you know how to have big streaks, you tried lots of solutions about how to avoid urges. Why you don’t use them?
Don’t be over ambitious. You’re in the deep shit now. You can’t be free just by flip of the finger. It’s long process. Start with basics. Start with cleaning your room, take a shower, workout, affirmation. Only one day without relapsing. ONE day. You can do it. And then the same thing on the next day. Not for the next week, just for one day. Be the best version of yourself!

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For my first 2 months I had to do something like this. I made it so I couldn’t use my console anywhere comfortably. I put it in a different room (out of my bedroom) where I had to sit on a stool to play it. I uninstalled a couple games I was addicted to and rarely used it. It worked for me. Drastic times call for drastic measures. I got rid of most my triggers by making them less novel and comfortable to get to. Might work for you @Special_Bird. Happy new year btw. :slight_smile:

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@Hubinho @Sacred Thank you guys, you’re right about that. I need to get rid of those basic triggers because honestly that’s probably all that is holding me back at this point.

My “an hour a day at 6-7:30” has been working out for me so far. Because the big thing for me isn’t the videogames itself it’s the fact that playing games with my friends keeps me up late. Staying up late is my biggest enemy. I don’t really have any interest in playing video games anymore, I just want to hang with my friends and this is the only way right now. The problem is they love staying up late playing games.

My last relapse was actually just with me sitting at the computer coding all day for our project. I should have known better, started journaling and maybe gone for a run, get my head out of that mindset. Or maybe I should have set the day right with less screen time and getting outside and such.

If I relapse again due to staying up late playing games with my friends, then I will cut it out completely for the first 2 months like Sacred recommended. But I think 1 hour a day, earlier in the day has been preventing me from pulling late night game sessions.

I’ll keep you guys updated. Happy New Year to you too Sacred :slightly_smiling_face: Hope both of you guys are doing good

Day 2 - Jan 3, 2021

Yesterday was good, had some urges but I was able to remind myself that I was just tired and needed to get to bed.

Yeah it’s honestly just sad that I haven’t broken past 10 days anytime recently. You guys are right, it just comes down to these triggers, I’m not in a place where I can easily resist them. I’m in the blackhole so to speak, and it will suck me further down if I’m not actively avoiding it. I’m really digging my own grave with these relapses.

I know it seems I’m procrastinating taking action here, it’s just I don’t want to dip on my friends when this is the only way we can hang right now. But again, if this action plan doesn’t work, I’m cutting it out, period.

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It gets so much easier after the first week. Be patient and you’ll succeed :wink:

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Day 3 - Jan 4, 2021

All is well. Last night I was hit with some big urges, but I exercised a bunch and got to bed since I knew I was just tired. I got to bed later than I wanted last night, I think I tried to fit in too much.

I hate how PMO just sucks the energy out of you. I constantly feel like it’s hard to get myself to do anything. I can’t stand it. I have so many things that I want and need to get done and yet I just waste that time. I want to be productive again and feel accomplished at the end of the day.

Found this video that was really helpful, probably more advice for me to cut out triggers I’m holding onto:

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Day 0 - Jan 5, 2021

Damnit another relapse. It wasn’t video games though and it wasn’t staying up late.

I relapsed yesterday afternoon, but I guess maybe staying up late had something to do with it, since I was really tired. But it wasn’t intentionally staying up late, mostly that I just miscalculated how long my daily tasks would take to finish up the night before.

Right now it seems the biggest reason for relapse is always related to sleep and schedule. I keep missing sleep and not having time for my basic exercises and taking care of myself. And the lack of sleep makes me feel like relapsing towards the end of the day. It’s either staying up late that causes relapse or the next day when I’m tired that does.

And I journaled once yesterday when I got urges so that was good, but I didn’t journal again in the evening, and I didn’t make a plan for how to reduce computer time.

Just lots of things that seem to so easily suck me back into the blackhole. But the big focus is sleep and getting on a good routine, I’m going to get sleep tonight.

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Oh man, sorry to hear. I can agree that sleep plays a vital role. I recommend going to bed around 9:30 pm or 11:00 pm to get up at 5:00 am. If you do that your circadian system will be intact. You will wake up feeling refreshed and not sleepy. It’s the 90 minute cycle. Once you awake, get out of bed. If you allow yourself to be in bed in the morning, whether your thinking of PMO or not, your testes are already getting fired up due to testosterone. You’ll notice the scrotum raise up if you’re in bed. If it’s up but you’re out of bed. Then it’s fine. It will go away on it’s own. It’s that morning start you need.

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can confirm sleep is very important to fight depression whats leads in my case to relapses, but there comes a point on chaser effect, and its over your willpower will come back and you stop relapse.
its a matter of time and how often you fall , stay strong brother you can make it out of the Hole iam here waiting for you to get back in shape !

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@Yitzchak @Dane1989 Thank you guys, yeah I think the earlier, the better here. Like I got to sleep on time last night, which I’m happy about, but at the same time I still feel kind of crappy because I’m waking up late again and I know that I’m not going to have time to get the things done that I wanted to.

Yeah those are two problems you guys mentioned that I have with sleep, staying in bed after I wake up and feeling depressed when I miss sleep, especially when the day winds to an end.

I think I just need to make my bedtime earlier as you suggested, I’m so much more productive in the morning anyway. I hit a limit around 7 or 8 where I just am not productive anymore.

But anyway, you’re right Dane, I know once I get past this rut in my streak, my basic willpower will come back and will help me resist these stupid little triggers. But until then I think I must keep adapting my strategy to get me out of this.

Thanks brothers :slightly_smiling_face::muscle:

Day 0 - Jan 6, 2021

Once again I relapsed in the afternoon. I’m guessing it was due to lack of sleep, but I also spent the day quite bored staring at my computer because my friend and I were trying to debug our code for one of our project’s features.

The thing is though that I told myself that I needed to focus 100%, but there were definitely times where I could have gotten up, done a little exercise and journaled a bit. It irritates me that I rationalize these things throughout the day.

So I’ve added a new strategy, I put alarms on a little after noon and in the evening. This way, I’ll be reminded that I need to check in and journal. I’ll evaluate my current state and figure out how I should spend the rest of my day to make sure to avoid relapsing.

Additionally I will move my bedtime to 10:30 so that I fall asleep at 11. Then I can start waking up at 8 again. I’ll keep moving it back as I succeed in doing it until I’m asleep by 10 or 10:30.

Started reading the EasyPeasy Method yesterday morning as I’ve been recommended it several times. So far their approach has been really insightful.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, hope you guys are staying strong :muscle:

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Hey,
Lack of sleep wasnt the issue there. You were bored. You got always stay busy. Focus on the code not boredom!
About sleep, you should sleep early and get up early. Especially before 7 am. Yesterday, I went to bed at around 12:45 and while I wasnt thinking about PMO. I had a nocturnal emission. I’ve noticed that the time to sleep is crucial.
If you feel tired. Remeber to sleep 6, 7 1/2, or 9 hours since those are the times for your circadian rhythm cycle.

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@Yitzchak Yeah I agree, I think it was the combo of lack of sleep and just trying to find stupid bugs, I should have been more vigilant with my journaling and frequent breaks. But thankfully last night I got to bed on time again! So now I’m waking up at 8 successfully :muscle:

Day 1 - Jan 7, 2021

Yesterday was pretty successful. Read more of the EasyPeasy Method in the morning. I think the book is really changing my perspective on this addiction for the better. I had a lot less urges yesterday and I was able to get a lot done.

Did a full exercise routine in the morning yesterday, which I haven’t done in while. And I also got a lot of coding done, and got to bed early. Woke up at 8 today and feeling good.

I think I’ll stay at 8 for now, and move it back to at least 7:30 next week. But that way I can get used to it first.

Anyway, today I can’t drop my guard down, there will be urges I’m sure as I go through the next few days. The withdrawals of PMO are always manageable, but they require the user to be aware that the feelings of emptiness, anxiety, and stress are not due to needing PMO but rather created by it.

It’s a self-inflicted environment. The natural inclination is to feed our urges, but that provides no relief, instead only guaranteeing the continuation of our torture. The key is stop the cycle by remembering that the feelings won’t continue if you don’t play into it.

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