Special Bird's Daily Journals

Diary
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Day 1, Morning - April 16, Thurs, 2020

Woke up today on time, and kept my word to myself. Everything is looking good so far. No urges. But I feel kind of crappy missing sleep, so I need to stay vigilant about that. It needs to be early to bed tonight.

As I said I would in my daily check-in, Here are my 10 reasons for doing this:

  1. I want to be a man I can be proud of.
  2. I want to be there for my family and friends, able to support them in everything, and not be distracted with my own problems…
  3. I want to enjoy life again and see new things as possibilities rather than life-hurdles.
  4. I want to understand myself to my fullest and live mindfully, so that no moment is wasted.
  5. I want to be productive and efficient, making real progress on my creative goals.
  6. I want to be self-confident, know who I am, and not be afraid to take risks in the face of uncertainty.
  7. I want to go to bed knowing I made the right decisions and I didn’t waste time. Knowing that wherever I go in life, I’ll be able to handle it. I want to sleep soundly, with no regrets haunting me.
  8. I want to be morally grounded, and not easily swayed to doing things that don’t match up with my moral beliefs and values.
  9. I want to be a consistent person, someone who is reliable.
  10. I want beat nihilism and face the meaninglessness of life with certainty of meaning.

These might change or be edited later on, but putting them out here and getting in touch with my wants and values is important.

I’ll be back for the afternoon :+1:

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Day 1, Afternoon/Evening - April 16, 2020

1:50 pm:
sitting at my laptop doing work, i am starting to want to edge again naturally. I have to remain concious though and not do it. that is the first step to relapsing, the first step to hell. life is always exponential, it either gets exponentially better or exponentially worse. I have to draw the line at the start. no more of this. I want to be free, and i want to live a meaningful life.

5:28 pm:

Feeling a ton of urges right now, mostly stemming from my girlfriend. She’s so sexual, but I’ve been trying to get her to tone it down, to not much avail. But I need to control my mind first and foremost. I can’t always control what other people say and do, but I can be mindful myself. So I’m back for my afternoon/evening journal. I want to do this consistently for at least a good portion of this streak, until it gets easier to be mindful in my brain. However, having an afternoon journal, just one, and a nightly check-in sounds like a good idea for the future.

Btw, I’m waiting for sex until marriage, which is something you might have wondered reading this. So anyway, PMO is definitely still something I really need avoid.

Another feeling has crept in today, which it has for the past several weeks. Complacency. And this is really what I was trying to mitigate yesterday when I made my plan for today. All was basically going well, but my schedule was too rigid, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me, so when working on my assignment was delayed, I got a bit sidetracked. But now I need to remember that this day needs to be productive and I need to be vigilant, since I am also low on sleep (which is a typical trigger for me, especially as the day raps up).

I think a lot of what my urge is saying, is that “ok it’s fine because others do it”. It’s trying to argue for normalcy. Because my girlfriend is so sexual, you know it’s ok to be focused on it too. But that’s not the case. I’ve been listening to a lot of Jordan Peterson lately, and as I said in my afternoon blurb, life is exponential. Jordan said this, and it’s really spoken to me. Because it rings true in my life with this addiction more than anything else. If I stay on the right track, lift my gaze towards being a respectable man, someone I am proud of, then more opportunities arise for me to be better, I become more productive over time, I’m more able to contribute to this forum and more able to help others.

On the other hand, when I relapse or edge or let myself go in some form in accordance with this addiction, I become not just lazy for the day, no, I become everything I hate, over time. It just keeps getting worse. And in sync with that, life becomes worse, my outlook becomes more negative, more nihilistic. I fail to see opportunities to better myself, and I’m unwilling to take them anyway.

I fail to become a man. I act as a tyrant unto myself, forcing the future me, the me from tomorrow, from a week from now, and the me from 2 years from now, to cater to the person I am right now. I live out of sync with my own self-community, terrorizing my future self. And if I can’t even live in community with myself, then how am I supposed to contribute to a community outside myself, to my family, friends, and strangers?

So the reality is, is that choosing such a path, choosing to cross my lines, will bring nothing but anxiety and uselessness into my life. Which is funny, because I relapse to make the useless feelings go away, but that actually only brings me closer to a useless existence. As with all addictions.

I must fight this, because I must live.

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Addiction it’s was never a choice , your painfully can prove this to you , you have to fight because you are talented ( search ) … don’t think about life … think about your own circle ( save it please ) your family , friends , hold your breath to your sexy girl at the right momenet …
You just need to" believe "
I wish you to do your plan and to find some friends not these Jordans
" Focus " … because there a lot of things in this life can happy us without hurt , please bro don’t give up to still blind ( I’m sorry about my way to discribe )
Stay no fap … keep going

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You’re right bro, thank you for the encouragement. I’m going to maintain this fight. I have to.

Stay strong man :muscle:

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Day 0, Noon - April 17, 2020

@MindfullyFree Totally man! Feel free to hop in here and journal however you see helpful. Let’s get back in this fight brother :muscle:

12:01 pm:

Woke up later today, but I was really trying to catch some sleep. I don’t think this was a bad decision personally because I could have either missed more sleep due to getting to bed late, or got enough sleep. And what I usually find, is that if I’m missing a big enough amount of sleep, it’s not worth it, as I am less productive and more likely to relapse. Anyway, my “relapse” last night with talking to my girlfriend is what kept me up late. So that’s definitely where I will improve tonight, by getting to bed early because I won’t be making that mistake again.

Because btw, after telling her how I felt about everything, she totally understands. Which is really good. So everything’s good on that side of things too. And now, I can focus on getting out of this rut again without external forces playing a huge role in relapsing. I’m happy with myself that I told her about that though and did it this soon. It took a lot of value-checking and reminding myself why I want to change.

As for urges, I woke up with some pretty big urges, probably because of how last night was. But I’m centering my view on my 10 reasons, specifically reason 1 and reason 8.

“I want to be a man I am proud of”

“I want to be morally grounded, and not easily swayed to doing things that don’t match up with my moral beliefs and values”

These are highly important to me, and I need to remember this, even when actions seems favorable in the current moment, I must always think of my future self. I need to be in community with my future self. And I need to make the best decisions for my girlfriend even when she doesn’t have her best interests in mind.

As for the plan for today, I have lecture, and then I’m planning on getting out of the house and getting my mind out of the typical urge cycle, shake things up a bit. Then when I get home, I’ll do my workouts and end the day with some calculus preparation for Monday and maybe practice music stuff, unless my professor gives us some good starting points for this assignment in lecture. Then I’ll start with the assignment.

Anyway, I’ll be back with an evening journal. Stay mindful everyone

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Day 0, Noon - April 18, 2020

12:30 pm:

Late start to the morning and busy with working on my assignment. Urges are on a down low, but they are still there waiting for a slip-up. A bit stressed about this school assignment I have. Hoping to make some progress this afternoon, otherwise it may get more stressful.

Not much else. Feeling lazy today, but I really need to pull it together. My goal for today is finish all my work-outs, get some progress on this assignment, journal in the evening, work on some music, and get to bed early.

That would be ideal.

Stay mindful boys :brain:

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Day 0, Night - April 18, 2020

9:13 pm:

It’s close to the time I do my nightly check in, but I didn’t want to fall victim to the same excuse as last night, so I’m getting on for a quick journal. All is well so far today. Definitely some stress with this new CS assignment, hoping I’ll have enough time to finish it by the time monday rolls around and we get a better explanation from the professor. Frustrating, but what can you do.

Feeling some big urges kind of like an undercurrent. It almost feels like relapsing is just a necessary part of my day, and my body is preparing for the same routine as the past few weeks. But this isn’t right, I can go to bed just fine, and in fact will be happier having not relapsed tonight.

“I want to be a man I am proud of”

I’ve also been catching a lot of urges trying to sneak themselves in by disguising themselves as innocent thoughts. But not gonna let this slide, been catching them all day and refuting them. The most common one seems to be the: “well you may want this [‘this’ being porn] for later, so why not just keep it instead of deleting it.” Now that one isn’t arguing innocence, but it definitely can be sly if you don’t point out its fallacies, since it’s easier to cross the line with your pinkie toe, than with your whole body. But of course the problem is that, eventually these crossings add up and you end up being 10 ft from where you originally drew the line. The slippery slope.

Anyway boys, let’s end this day strong💪 I’ll be back for my nightly check in.

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Day 1, Afternoon - April 19, 2020

2:23 pm:

Alright today, definitely look forwarding to having to wake up early tomorrow so that I can get back into a better schedule. But things have been good, just want to be more productive and have more time in the day.

Still having those undercurrent types of urges. I have to be careful not to fall into the trap again. Identify them, and eliminate them. Right now it’s mostly that feeling of necessity because of how frequently I relapsed before. But I just have to remember that the goal is to make it through the day clean, one day at a time.

Alright be back later guys.

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Hey man

It sucks to “see” you in this relapse cycle/loop and what kind of stood up to me even more was this you said:

I’d like to remind you of your own words, that have inspired me too, “mindfulness = freedom”, it’s true. May I ask, why is it that you feel like “eliminating” those urges? How do you intent to eliminate them anyways? To raise awareness in this kind of situation, I’d rather recommend “talking” to that voice and trying to identify where it comes from and what the actual need is. Maybe start writing a trigger-thought-action journal:

Quite recent actually, I had urges I couldn’t quite right identify at first. All I sensed were those random thoughts of body parts and just every sexual images right in front of my inner eye. Then I looked a bit deeper: what trigger is causing this urge? where does that trigger come from? I then noticed that there were other factors and need in place that created that urge in the first place.

Try getting to the root cause and work there.

Take care.

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Thank you for the words of encouragement man.

Ah yes, when I say “eliminate” I’m talking about the journaling of them and such with my old techniques. But yes you are definitely right, and you’ve reminded me that I really should be doing more to understand these under-current urges. They can be tricky things indeed. It’s hard to understand a feeling, compared to a thought.

Lately I’ve been slacking on my journaling of these specific urges, but if I want this streak to truly be something I need to identify what’s causing them.

Thanks brother, I always appreciate your help🙂

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Day 2, Afternoon - April 20, 2020

3:44 pm:

Irritated today, just a lot of work to do. I have this project that’s due soon and no one can really figure it out, so we were all going to get together to talk about it. But apparently they figured it out last night without me, and my friend didn’t even text me. It’s so frustrating, I’ve always helped him with past assignments and made sure that he wasn’t left behind, helped him figure out his code. And then he wouldn’t even tell me the truth and just say sorry, he was like “I texted you but you didn’t get it I guess”.

It’s just irritating. Got a lot on my plate today. Haven’t been able to focus much now, don’t know why. But I need to, I cant slack right now. I think it’s because I would rather work on my other work for other classes, but I don’t want to get more behind on my assignment for CS, so I’ve been just kind of doing other tasks today. Enough of that though. Let’s just work through one thing at a time, the thing I can focus on right now, and work through that. It’s better to get things done even if they aren’t exactly what I want right now.

So maybe this is the source of my urges I’ve been having since noon (under-current types). Mostly likely, considering all of the different things going on and that I’ve been using PMO as a stress relief in my recent relapses. But I just need to work diligently, remembering that relapsing will only make the stress worse and my focus skewed.

“I want to be a man I am proud of” that’s really been my motivation lately.

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Day 1, Evening - April 23, 2020

5:44 pm:

Haven’t been very productive today, really frustrated with focusing on calculus, not the most fun subject. Especially because I just got my MIDI device in the mail finally and I really want to try it out. But I’m already a bit behind from my other assignments, so I need to just get this done.

Having serious undercurrent urges right now, almost didn’t journal, but then reminded myself I need to come here and figure this out. My best guess right now is that I was triggered by some random sexual thought and now the boredom and stress from not focusing is giving me serious urges to edge and relapse.

That’s all I can think of right now. But remembering my 10 reasons, I need to stay clean. I think the best thing I can do for myself is get this done, even if it’s difficult. Even I just get one section done today, it would be very helpful. So maybe that should just be my goal, because sitting here, staring at my screen is just increasing my urges. Some days you just can’t focus.

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Day 0 (was Day 2), Afternoon - April 24, 2020

Was having major urges this morning, mostly because I edged some last night. But I concluded that it was better to relapse than to sit going back and forth when I needed to be doing my homework. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

What was I thinking? I need to rearrange my homework position because it’s to easy for me to get in that mindset when I’m sitting there now.

Just another reminder as well that edging always leads to relapse. I thought this morning, “just a little edging won’t hurt, just that”. Come on! This is such a joke, of course it will hurt. One thing is never enough with addiction. And look at me. I said that to myself quite a months ago on my big streak, “oh one relapse won’t hurt”. And look now, it’s taken my everyday life, it always wants more. This addiction is exponential, I have to remember that.

Fuck man, I’m so done with this shit. I disgusting I am right now. Like have I not realized how much I’ve deteriorated as a man? Look at me. I need to take my life back, be respectable again.

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I hear your last paragraph, how could we let this happen? Just a few months ago we were on a good path, working hard, developing as men, we had this addiction on a leash.

Really shows how the phrase “once an addict always an addict” is true. We may not be able to change the past, but we can change our futures for sure. Take a deep breath brother, you can do this. God bless.

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Hey man

I feel you man, the addicted part of us is specially loud when we have a lot of work and assignments to do. We are supposed to sit there and study/work but instead we open the tabs in incognito and PMO. PMO is always the symptom though… it’s an indication for one part of your mind saying “this doesn’t work for me at all”. You know the drill man.

Have you looked in to the “Trigger - Thought - Action” tool I posted earlier? I personally have a note in my Google Keep app and every time such a situation occurs I take that note and write down what’s happening. Sometimes the trigger is something I’ve seen, sometimes something that has happened to me or stress. I then write down what my thinking was after the trigger, most of the time it’s sexual but sometimes it’s self deprecating too. I then write what action I’m taking, in a healthy manner. I’d recommend this tool to gain awareness.

Also, forgive yourself man. Sometimes we want to “be a man we are proud of” but if we are currently failing on doing that, it doesn’t mean we should be harsh on ourselves or go for punishment. Like I said, that PMO symptom is a signal that you need something, that could be a variety of things, but I’m 100% certain it’s not punishment/hatred/self deprecation.

Take care.

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Seriously man, we really were doing good here :man_facepalming:t3:I just can’t believe how difficult it is to rise above this, especially after such success with my last highest streak.

Very true brother, you’re right, I just need to look to the future, the past is behind me. At the same time, I need to recognize the ability for my brain to go right back to where it was. Lots to work through. Thank you bro, it means a lot.

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Yes exactly! And PMO is the symptom, great point, it’s so easy to forget this. We always act like PMO is the problem, and it’s so easy to, because it’s what we can feel, and it’s present, right there with us. But the reality is is that we hide our problems behind this mask. The bigger the wanting for PMO, the bigger the thing it’s hiding.

And no I haven’t! Well I think I did awhile ago maybe, but not recently, definitely something I’ll check out. You’re right, sometimes the trigger is sexual or self-deprecating. But I think often the trigger is like a reminder to our brain that it wants to escape from something, that it wants to hide feelings or problems. Because when I have a trigger when I’m doing well, it often doesn’t affect me in the same way, and it’s usually much less enticing.

I think I have a lot of things I say I’m going to work through, but never do. Lots of pent of feelings and problems. Everything’s been piling up. Dissecting these things should be first and foremost on my list of actions against this.

You’re right, I do need to forgive myself. Otherwise, I’m just working against myself. Lately I just haven’t been caring, and maybe that’s because it’s easier not to care and think about it when you really are mad with yourself, even hate yourself. But I think addressing that is going to be important in turning this ship around.

Thanks brother, you’ve really been helping me as I navigate my way back out of this. You know I always appreciate it.

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Day 0, Noon - May 23, 2020

Ug, getting back on the forum today. Was gone for awhile, I apologize for that. I’ll be back on check in daily diary as well tonight.

Frustrating, was on a good streak, but honestly it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t a mindful streak, it was just lucky. But I got busy again, and I was just feeling crappy for continually coming back to the forum and relapsing. But I’m back on again, obviously the answer is mindfulness, and it always will be. It just frustrates me. Ever since my last big streak, I’ve really just lost my sense of understanding the urge, it’s back to square one but maybe I just haven’t been willing to fight again to learn this all once more. But I’ve been sitting at my desk, trying to code, and I can’t even muster up anything, I just feel so defeated. And I know this journey is really about getting back up a million times. But it’s also more than that, it’s about getting back up and taking responsibility. Because I can get up a million times, but if I don’t take responsibility for this next streak, if I don’t conciously make tangible changes and try to understand my mind, then of course I’m going to get tired out and collapse. I have to punch back, I can keep getting up in the ring, but if I’m just letting the opponent pummel me every time, then why am I getting up? I might as well stay down, end the fight. But if I really want this, then I have to throw up my arms, at the very least, I have to make some concerted effort to defend myself. And if I’m smart, I’ll defend myself enough to allow me to think for even just a little bit about how I can even the playing field and take down my opponent.

So as I said, since that last big streak, I just have really lost my feeling of mindfulness. But last night, I really caught a glimpse of it again, and it gave me some hope. It was just crazy, I was able to see how my mind distorted so naturally my thinking. I was thinking that I just need to get to bed, that I don’t want to relapse, and that the best way to take care of myself is to sleep. However, my brain just switched it around on me and made me think that, no, it was better to just relapse now. It’s hard to describe, and it sounds silly, but it really just goes to show how much I’ve let that part of my mind do what it wants and descend into chaos. I’m not ruling it anymore, and it’s because I’ve chosen to turn a blind eye to it. Much like the story of David the king with his children. Just a reference that popped into my head. But it really is a lesson to be learned from that story. Ignoring the truth, and refusing to seek it, to seek out the issues happening in your family (or in yourself) leaves it empty, ripe for chaos to set in. Where your house is left in disorder, there the demons will make their home. Something always comes in to fill the void. And it’s really up to the individual to decide what it is that takes that space.

I’m starting back up today, but I’m putting it together for real, I can’t give any half-hearted attempts, for my own sake.

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Day 1, Noon - May 24, 2020

Lazy start to the day. I did force myself to not snooze my alarm though, so that was all well and good. But I allowed myself to sit down with my phone while drinking my coffee. So I wasted probably an hour there, maybe more. Frustrating. What I need to do is go straight to my computer and put my phone away. Anyway, tomorrow I’ll be doing that.

In terms of urges, I’ve been getting quite a bit today, at random moments in the day. I had a dream I was looking at porn games, but I stopped myself in my dream and asked myself why I am doing this, and I turned it off. That was inspiring, but the dream was also tempting. I almost didn’t journal again, I’ve naturalized the reaction of willful blindness to my urges, and that’s no good, so it’s going to take a lot of effort to consistently be mindful like this again, but I’m not settling this time.

My urges have mostly consisted of tempting me in that feeling sense, but when I think about it deeper, maybe it’s about my internal stress from being lazy. Actually, I just identified one negative thought that’s been probably triggering the urges, I’ve been conciously and not so conciously telling myself I don’t deserve any good love or someone special. Idk why this is the negative thought now, actually maybe I do. My girlfriend was freaking out two nights ago for no reason (probably PMS) and saying I don’t love her because I didn’t reply to her comment on social media correctly I guess. It really frustrated me, because I tried to take the side that it was my fault (even though I didn’t think it was) because I just wanted to resolve the situation and I’m sure she was just emotional that night for some reason. But no matter what I said, she just would say I didn’t care about her feelings. It made me so irritated, she was threatening to break up with me, like over a comment bro. It’s been really making me question our relationship. And it’s better now, like the next morning she came to her senses. But idk, maybe I still hold it against her, because it was so odd. It makes me wonder if I really want this relationship, but I do really love her. So maybe this has been the source of my urges and laziness lately, along with something with my little cousin (he’s getting into trouble again, like bad trouble).

I noticed a significant mood drop after his brother told me what he did, because these guys are like my little brothers, I care about them a lot, and I just want the best for them, but honestly I just have no idea how to help them. I talked to him yesterday about it, but it’s obvious his value/moral structure is lacking. I can’t blame him, it’s not like it’s really ever been taught to him, and his brother sure doesn’t give him a good role model to look to, and I’m not exactly a cool guy, so I’m not really his role model anymore like when he was younger.

So maybe, it’s just that I wonder what the hell is going on right now. Maybe there’s a little voice in my head right now saying that I haven’t taught my cousins enough, I wasn’t there as a moral guidance when they needed it maybe. And then with my girlfriend, I just have lots of mixed feelings. I want to give her more chances, girls can be emotional, so I get that. But maybe I should stand my ground in the future, you know? If this continues, there are other people in the world too, I think that little voice in my head is saying I’d never find someone if I broke up with her but also it’s making me feel bad for saying that because maybe it’s kind of selfish to think about a way out if things don’t work out. But I really just need to drop this maybe. I’ll have to think about it more, but glad identified those thoughts, at least now I can approach them and figure out what’s wrong.

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Day 0, Evening - May 24, 2020

Ug annoying, I got a call that I needed to answer about 30 minutes before my alarm, so I must have turned it off when I was half asleep. I’m really not sure, but it didn’t go off. Anyway, so I slept in again today.

Now I did do better with getting right to work, I didn’t sit on my phone and I got straight to my calculus quiz, which I was dreading. And of course, it was crazy as always. And I didn’t do good lol.

So I’ve been kind of lazy for the rest of the day and I’ve been getting urges all day. I almost didn’t do my daily journal again, but doing it now, even if it’s late.

Honestly I feel like I’m going to relapse and I really want to. It’s frustrating. I know what I should do, but I just don’t feel it in me. And maybe that’s because that residual stress from the quiz is weighing on me, or some other thing. But the feeling to relapse is very strong, and it’s just a feeling, the argument is definitely hidden deep.

The real question is how long I want to keep delaying my life. I’m not always going to want to fight for this, but it’s not about how I feel, but what I do. I’m at a loss right now though. I know if I don’t get to the bottom of what this urge is, I will relapse, because I want to act on it.

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