Day 0 (on my way to day 1), Morning - June 1, 2020
Woke up early again today, grateful for that. But I procrastinated starting my work, laid down again after turning off my alarm. I slept for 15 more minutes, then got up, sat on my phone for another 20, and then ate breakfast while talking to my family. I guess I don’t regret the latter per say, but I can definitely do that later. Getting to work right away is important.
So right now, I’m going to make the morning alarm puzzle harder, so that I remember that I need to get up, and so it wakes me up more.
In terms of my mental state, I’ve been feeling kind of insecure or filled with a bit of anxiety this morning. Overthinking things, but it’s definitely because of my relapse. I have to stop attributing my bad feelings with other things until I’m clean, because most of the time it is my addiction that’s giving me these constant negative emotions.
But I think I know why my brain does it. It feels terrible for relapsing, but it doesn’t see a solution, it feels trapped because I keep doing it, so it naturally assumes it must be something else in my life causing these feelings. And I’ll notice this switch a lot too. When I relapse, I’ll often feel so much guilt and sadness, and then it starts to turn to anger. But as that frustration and negative emotion grows, all of a sudden I start thinking of things that bother me, and I start to become angry at that (i.e. something with politics). My brain doesn’t know what to do with all this negative emotion because I don’t work through it, so it tries to apply it somewhere, to mitigate the terrible feelings of guilt and hopelessness.
Maybe there’s more to it than that for why it does this, but I definitely see this switch happening, and it’s really not good. It’s avoidant behavior, and maybe one of the reasons why it’s been so difficult for me to be mindful. I’ve made a habit of hiding my problems behind things. That’s not good, but I need start identifying it and pinning it on this addiction, because it definitely is from this addiction.
So with that in mind, and last night’s relapse, I’m stepping up my journaling. I’m going to start journaling here thoughout the day, specifically when I’m at home and just working, because that’s a major trigger for me.
So today has been alright, I’m satisfied with it. I’m making an effort to learn, and that’s most important. Losing sight of that, which I often do, is the main enemy I’ve realized. If I’m not willing to make change and learn, try new strategies, and figure out what’s best for me, if I remain stagnant, then I will surely relapse.
I’m still feeling a fair bit of unneeded anxiety though, so I’m also giving that up here and now. It seems to be anxiety stemming from a feeling of hopelessness and despair of the addiction. My life has felt more stressful because the enjoyment of the little things and my ability to think through my problems emotionally and subsequently intellectually has been hampered by my constant escape from responsibility in the form of relapsing. So I’m experiencing the usual stress that comes with daily life tasks and big decisions, but none of the peace from a stable inner-self.
So no wonder I feel anxiety-ridden. There’s no enjoyment in pure chaos. But I have to let this anxiety go, it won’t help me. I will get through this, specifically by thinking things through and not avoiding this responsibility any longer. And that’s relieving, because I can take responsibility. I want to, and I can, so therefore I will. And because of that, all of this will be sorted through. And in taking responsibility, I am able to let the anxiety of chaos go. I’m already feeling better in this regard, knowing it’s there for me to take and that I’m taking it by journaling right now. So it’s important that I stay with journaling throughout today, and each day, because mindfulness is the key to an orderly life.
