I wish you power so you can be the man you want to be @Special_Bird and hopefully edging is not a part of it.
Check out Zen Habits in case you don’t know it:
https://zenhabits.net/addictions/
Take care
1 Like
Thank you man, I always appreciate your help.
I checked out the link and read through the whole thing. These are great points, I’ve been definitely needing some guidance lately. I’ll be applying this stuff immediately.
This reminds me too, that I haven’t been reading about these things as I said I would. Just going through that short article was very helpful, so I’ll be doing that more often now for sure.
Thanks again bro.
1 Like
Day 0, Late Evening - June 22, 2020
Wow already June. And I accidentally wrote 2029 at first. But the crazy thing is, soon it will be 2029. 9 years from now, who do I want to be? Where do I want to be? What do I want to have accomplished?
I’ve relapsed again, the point where I feel sufficiently empty. Nothing seems interesting to me right now, all I can think about is relapsing again, that’s the only thing that seems enjoyable to me. I remember this place, and now I’m here, again.
Where did I think relapsing would take me? The reality is, as I’ve said probably hundreds of times to myself at this point, PMO takes all. Addiction, more specifically, takes all. It doesn’t encompass one part of your life and stay there. No, that’s never enough, it will take everything. It always has when I let it. That’s because as I let an unhealthy piece of my life get out of control, the other pieces start to fall apart.
I must have a healthy mind, spirit, and body to go where I want to go in life. I have to align my life with my true values; align my actions with my true values. Because otherwise, I will be reporting back here in 2029 for another relapse. Except maybe then it will be much worse, much much worse. That’s a serious hell. That’s the lowest kind of hell. A place where not only is it terrible, not only is it already hell, but you know that you were the one who put yourself there. That’s the lowest, that’s rock bottom.
I’m done with that, I’m done with that path. No more of this. But how do I apply it? Well I sure as hell better be reading and watching and turning this ship around mentally. That should be the very least. But I also need to make physical changes. I need to be healthier, I need to take more responsibility in my life. Remind myself where I’m going.
In 9 years I don’t want to be an old-young man. I don’t want to be lazy, fat, depressed, self-loathing, and an emotional and social wreck. I don’t want to be lonely my whole life with all of my connections gone. I don’t want to have a failing career and dead hobbies.
In 9 years, I want to be successful, youthful, and full of life. I want to be fit, responsible for my life and my everyday actions. I want to be living on my own, doing things on my own, and going out and meeting new people. I want to be competent in my love life, my job, and my hobbies. I want to see the best in life and always be grateful for what I have.
Those are two completely different realities. Both completely possible from where I stand right now. And it all comes down to these decisions I make everyday. Sure, right now I can say, “oh well, tomorrow I’ll be better. In a few years I’ll be different.” But tomorrow will come and go, and so will a few years. And suddenly I will realize that I’ve wasted it all, I’ve wasted it all for the most rotten addiction. I wasted it all so that I could loath in the worst, most disgusting parts of me. I wasted it all so I could let those parts of me grow and fester and destroy my life, and change who I am.
That’s not worth it, not for the tiniest bit of pleasure.
1 Like
Day 9, Afternoon - Jul 22, 2020
Crazy that exactly a month has passed since I wrote my last post here.
I haven’t been active on the forums lately, mostly got distracted from a vacation to the beach. But have been off my sleep schedule since then and trying to work that back in. Regardless, I’ve been journaling in my notebook almost everyday and been reading posts from those who’ve rebooted on other forums. I’ve made it far this time around and I’m hoping to keep that.
Right now I’ve been having major urges, so I thought it would be a good time to come back on here. I’m started to realize there’s a certain dedication and confidence that you have to have in beating this. I always forget these things, but maybe that means I need to read more. If you let past relapses get into your head, if you let those negative thoughts fester inside your brain, you will relapse. You have to maintain confidence in yourself. Those thoughts often slip by so easily for us, because we are used to routinely letting them in.
I know why my urges are so bad right now, because I have to do my exam today. But I’ve been procrastinating this whole day and now it’s 1:27 pm. The urges will only get stronger if I don’t just do it. I’m going to review the earlier sections briefly, read a bit more in depth on the later ones, and then just start it. I need to stop wasting time. I’m always wasting time. Relapses won’t fix the problem, it will make it worse.
Ok I’m off to do that now. No more waiting. Wish me luck.
2 Likes
Day 1, noon - Aug 19, 2020
Back again after a month absence. I made it to almost a month clean probably on busyness and luck. I felt so happy and productive though, so self-confident. I was doing great.
After relapsing, I haven’t been able to focus on my school work nor my personal hobbies. I’ve been wasting every day, it’s like the time flies by and I can’t seem to catch it. My awkwardness is back and my confidence gone.
It’s like God, this is so terrible, yet I refuse to put in all the effort to make it right. I keep assuming it will get better by doing one thing and one thing only at a time. Obviously I need to combine many strategies, but then I always tell myself that I’m too busy. How can I be too busy if I don’t actually accomplish anything in the day? I can sit there for hours and not do anything.
The real question is if I’m going to work to fix this or not for real. I did it before and I can do it again. But it takes consistency, something I’ve never really been skilled at. Typical addict behavior. Intellectually I know what I must do, and that has to be enough. I have to go forward and break this cycle.
So what’s the plan…
I think for starters I’m going to pick up the spreadsheet idea for streaks, I want improvement, and I really don’t think the day counter is helpful when you’re at the beginning, it encourages binging when you relapse and it makes you feel like you’ve lost everything.
I think second, I need a consistent schedule. This is foundational to me being disciplined with everything else. I’ve noticed my stress is so much higher when I’m running around trying to do everything at different times each day. At the same time, I don’t want a completely rigid regime because I need to be flexible. I think the best way to mediate between these two is with a consistent wake up time (and ideally a bedtime too, but not set in stone). No matter the sleep, I need to wake up at 8 every morning. I’ve realized it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, it’s about if I’m consistent that determines my productivity that day. Usually when I sleep in to get the right amount of sleep, those are usually my laziest days.
The other piece to the schedule is planning out my days, writing out what I need to get done. That’s highly important for knowing if I’ve had a successful day or not. And it allows me to see where I can improve on my efficiency.
The third thing to go along with scheduling is consistent exercise each day. But this only comes with waking up on time. If I wake up late in the day, then I won’t have the time for this, that’s why I have to build up that foundation. But a consistent exercise schedule is good for discipline, self-confidence, and stress-relief.
Journaling. My journaling needs to be a daily thing, it’s important for me to recognize more than just my urges. Urges are the symptom, but I need to be checking my well-being each day. Understanding why I might want to relapse is more important than just avoiding triggers.
Daily reading. Keeping my goals and knowledge on addiction to PMO on the forefront of my mind is highly important for keeping in track. Reading success stories and remembering I’m not alone.
And last but not least, I need to respond when I have urges. My old method of journaling what my mind is thinking was extremely helpful back on my high streak, and I need to implement that again. When the urges come, they like to subliminally control things, but if I can recognize the arguments it has I can counter them.
This is a lot to implement, but it’s also really not, I’ve done it to a fair extent before, and I have to have the dedication to do it again. I’ve sat around for 3 days straight feeling sorry for myself, feeling all out of whack, and being completely unproductive and depressed. That’s no way to live. I remember the times when I would relapse often on a consistent basis and life just spiraled into hell real quick. Addiction is exponential, I can’t sit around and expect it to get better. I have to go all the way in to be able to fight the spiral.
I have to beat this addiction for good
4 Likes
Am also back after a long time bro.
Nice to meet you here again.
4 Likes
Hey @Aragorn could you please share how you made such a great streak and how are you feeling now?
Your are an inspiration for many here
Definitely brother, let’s rise to the challenge once again 
1 Like
Day 1, night - Aug 20, 2020
Woke up on time today and things went much better. Was fairly productive and got some time for my hobbies. I also cooked a good meal that I felt proud of.
Aside from that, I had some serious urges and I wanted to relapse, but I reminded myself that I don’t have any obligation to relapse, I don’t have to listen to the urges. I know what relapsing looks like and I don’t want to go there. I remembered the video I watched today and reminded myself that this won’t get better unless I make it better, I’ll only continue to change my neural pathways into something vulgar and disgusting.
I want to continue to learn and improve, to understand what I’m doing wrong. If I don’t, then I won’t solve this permanently. It’ll be like playing the same 4 chords on my guitar over and over again, I’ll never be a musician if that’s all I do.
I hope you all are doing well. Day 1 done.
2 Likes
Yes bro, take pride.
1 Like
Always happy to see familiar faces around still putting up a good fight. Special_Bird and Aragorn bro.
I also have scheduling problem and working on it.
Keep going brother.
Also love seeing the cat again.
5 Likes
Checking in… Turning this ship around.
@ERNOL Thank you bro 
sorry for the late response. Things have been hectic lately and I’ve really let myself feed the addiction, but I’m getting back up though. Hope you are doing well!
2 Likes
Glad to see you’re back brother!
Absolutely, time to turn this ship around 
4 Likes
I am hanging on ha ha. Let’s do it bro. Keep going. 
2 Likes
@Forerunner Thank you brother 
Let’s do this for real
@ERNOL I feel that bro haha. But we got this man, I know we can do this if we set our mind to it. Stay strong out there!
Keeping consistent, building discipline. Going to journal in the morning as my current nightly routine is jank and I sit on my phone in the morning anyway.
Getting better with getting to bed though. Early tonight, but not ideal.
Goodnight guys 
This is my streak, I am going to make it. This is not a statement of hope in willpower, it’s a commitment. It’s saying that I will do everything in my power to make it this streak. That means I’m going all the way, and if I’m going all the way, how can I not make it? Only through lack of commitment.
4 Likes
Day 4 - Sat, Sep 5, 2020
Starting the journal this morning.
The writing in my opinion is the most important part, so doing that consistently is top priority for me. I’ve already had an exercise regime in place so that’s good for building discipline.
So main priority is sleep schedule and journaling. Journaling in the morning and when I get urges. I think I won’t overwhelm myself and start there. As for sleep, I think if I can plan to be in bed 30 minutes before when I told myself to get ready, that should start me on a good path because I always end up taking 30 min to an hour longer. I think one thing that will help this though is putting my phone away at 8:30 pm. No phone for the rest of the night except for checking once before bed for important texts or emails.
So far it’s a plan. I better get started on my day and make it a productive one with my school work.
I want to be clean for good, I want to be happy and confident again.
This is my streak, I am going to make it.
2 Likes
Day 5 - Sun, Sep 6, 2020
Successfully woke up today and did not get back into bed. Instead I got up, heated up my coffee and sat down for some journaling. Got a little distracted with some discussions on reddit and checking my feed, but all well and good.
Got to bed earlier than the night before, but still later than what I wanted. But gradual improvement is still great, especially considering my cousins didn’t leave my house until 20 minutes before I wanted to get to bed. I put my phone away and that helped a lot to get things moving.
As for urges, they come and go. Yesterday was good, but today may be difficult. Who knows? The important thing is not the frequency of the urges but how I address them in the moment. I can talk about them all I want, but if I’m not mindful, I will relapse.
Hope everyone is doing well, we can do this but we have to commit 100%, we have to change our mindset from “nothing is possible” to “I can do it”. It’s amazing how your brain will literally reprogram itself to look for ways to improve. You just start thinking better in general when you care about your health and progress.
Anyway, better get started for the day.
This is my streak, I am going to make it.
3 Likes
You want so much man… Have you ever thought… that this might be the reason for your downfalls.
2 Likes
@Sahas Fair point brother. There’s a certain deal of action that must always come along with want at minimum. It’s easy to want, it’s hard to actually go after it. And it’s clear to me now that it’s better to act and worry less about the feeling, because real change comes when we dive in. The waters are clearer than ever for me because I’ve already made it, but I still was afraid. I’m changing that now thankfully. But I think in that regard we must consistently push ourselves out of our comfort zone. Anyway, thanks for the comment brother Always good to get a check on my direction.
Day 6, Mon - Sep 7, 2020
All is well and good today, tired but I’m learning to get into my schedule. Got to bed even earlier than the night before and right on the dot, however gonna try to reduce that time I’m wasting. I watched YouTube while getting ready because I found a new channel that I was excited about, but I should have saved that for another time. Phone goes away at night, 8:30 always.
Getting up has been good. I’ve set some goals for myself in regards to school work, so I’m hoping to meet those.
Haven’t had any urges so far, maybe little triggers here and there. I realize now the weight of my suffering in this addiction and the amount of shame I have been feeling. Being in the midst of it made it less noticeable, but I’m looking forward to shaking the effects of the addiction on my brain again. I know the feeling of being free and that’s all I want.
This is my streak, I am going to make it.
4 Likes
Glad to see you are back! Keep doing brother 
3 Likes