So, I fell and now I am back to day zero againâŚ
I promised last time that I will give my 100% and try to complete all my tasks again and I failed waking up at time the next day, it was disappointing to me as I wanted to complete all my tasks and somehow I managed to complete a few but I could not study next day, next day the same thing happened⌠No studies, I am trying to seriously develop a habit of studying from almost 8months and everytime I try to do it very strictly something or other comes in my way and I get off track, right now it is the most important thing to do but I cannot do it, I am 24 now, and I have not proved myself in anything, no respect in front of parents, losing their trust, took drop after college, they were thinking that I was studying but I was wasting my time in this habbit, I was addicted to p*, drinking, smoking, junk food eating and other bad habits, I tried and failed everytime, now they think that I am not capable to qualify exams as I am studying from 3 years and still no exams qualified (I completed my graduation in 2017) but the truth is that I broke their trust and now they are disappointed on me, my father thinks that I am useless, my mother is wasting her time thinking that I will give her a good life as my father does not treats her well, also family situations of my sister is also not great, and here I am wasting my life due to this habitâŚ
Since I was in class 7th I started this habit, every time there was a parents teacher meeting teacher would say to my mother that I was not interested in studies and my marks are poor and everytime I promised that I will not disappoint her next time, she is in hope that I will study and make something of myself and give her a good life, she is 55now and does all the household tasks and my father doesnât even respects her, I grew up watching them shouting at each other, seeing them fighting everytime, I was very sad seeing them fight, they did not have any time for me, I was very alone, I remember I had 2shirts (that were good to wear for outside) and I would wear them from class 5th to 7th in every teachers meeting or childrenâs day or any function, I was so ashamed in front of my friends, I never had anyone to talk to, (its not that we were very poor or something, my father was earning good, but we had to beg for anything we wanted but still he did not paid attention to us, instead he spent all his money on his brothers and sisters, their sons and daughters, I donât know why, I think just to please and impress them but they donât appreciate and acknowledge what he has done) I thought when I will grow up, I will do this, do that, make my mother proud etc. Etc but still I ask money from my father, I could not even stick to jobs for more than 3 months, I have failed everything in my life, failed in having a good physique, failed in studying (could never study), failed in sports, failed in relations, failed my promises, failed my trust, I did not have anything that I was proud off⌠I decided to start this diary here coz few months back I saw that my habits of meditation, exercise, self discipline, waking up early etc. Weâre falling (I was very sad because these were the habits that gave me hope that I can do something in my life as I tried my best to keep up with them) and it was my last chance to prove myself that I am capable of doing something and then again all my habits started falling and there were other major problems (I cannot tell) that were going in my life too and tried very hard to keep up with my habits but failure, past memories started haunting me, they really got in my mind, I was full of thoughts and emotions, I wanted to drink again but I did not have that much money, I wanted to smoke again but hardly controlled myself as as I just completed 90days of nosmoking after 2 years of trying to quit, I was really frustrated, my mind was not working where should I go or whome should I talk (I am living alone since March of this year, cooking my own meals and doing all other stuff, I had option to go to my parents home but I did not go their because of their fights and the good for nothing feeling that my father gives to me, sometimes I go to my sisters home but she is also facing family problems, it makes me sad) then I started browsing my mobile and saw arousing stuff, I forgot all my reasons that I started this journey, I just wanted to get off from these thoughts, emotions,stress and feelings and soon I found myself back to zero again through softp, I am not writing this to give any excuse or anything sort of, I know this is all my fault and I could have shared my thoughts here but I could not, I donât know why⌠I did not even wanted to show my streak zero here, I was not being truthful to myself, i was not behaving like a person I want to become and then I thought now you have became fake as well a lier and then I somehow showed that I relapsed, I am sorry to everyone who had faith on me⌠I am sorry for breaking your trust, I am not in a state to make promises, but I will tryâŚ
@rowdy_nik, @neo_150, @Martial_Beast, @HappySoul, @Adioz brothers,thank you for asking me the reason of this fall, I am sorry everyoneâŚ
I will get back, donât worry, I will try not to fall into chaser
Week 2/5
Day 5/7
I will spend money more wisely, only on necessary things (waiting to buy anything for a week and then buying if it still feels important).
â
