It’s so annoying. Somehow it sounds good but it really annoys me.
I really miss the high feeling, seeing beautiful girls doing crazy stuff.
And my body really wants that feeling back.
I peaked today and it almost drives me crazy. Not because i can’t stop but because i wasn’t able to find what I find on other occasion. It never felt like today:
I knew this one site were I knew there are beautiful women. But once I was there I was like, whaat? they are not hot at all. And the few who are, are just acting (and by the way, pretty bad).
I went to the next site with professionals but there the content was just horrible. Even the things which I considered “normal” a week months ago seemed brutal and just not pleasing.
So, now I’m sitting here, my body is craving for the drug he used to take but it just isn’t there anymore. It’s a weird mixture between happiness that again, something changed within me but on the other hand it is just horrible.
My brain is the mood where it cries that I should search harder. The old porns I enjoyed have to be out there. But I know that they are not.
They just don’t give me pleasure. Somehow I have to make my body understanding that. I won’t find pleasure in the virtual world. Real pleasure is found outside. I’m currently preparing for my exams. It is really tough to concentrate without porn but it brings so much joy each time I understood a new chapter. And this knowledge that i as a person learned something new which brings me further is just amazing. This is what I should be looking for.
Why do I wanna see naked girls? That is something i really have to figure out. Because if it was just for the body then I could also just look at pictures. But I’m not attracted at all to pics. Maybe it is the knowledge that there is something in front of me which can’t have. But that typically only makes me angry.
I guess a huge point is also the believing that I’m missing something if I don’t have sex with all these girls (besides all the STD’s ). I guess what I really have to learn and practice, maybe the most important thing to bring me a step further in live is, that sex is not only about physical contact. it should be about a connection, about love and being close to someone you love. Hence I guess I should already be very satisfying to lay close to your girlfriend. It doesn’t always have to end in sex just to be right.
I guess that is what we learned from porn. Cuddling and stuff is okay, but only if it leads to sex. There isn’t really a porn where the people cuddle, get up and cook dinner without having sexual intercourse. But that is what I wanna have. Having sex when it leads to but also be satisfied by only laying there. I guess that is what I’m looking for in porn. Always having the next step ready. Less cloths, more girls, harder stuff but I never get what I’m looking for. Because what I’m looking for is love. For that I don’t need to look at naked girls. It is way more efficient to give my girlfriend a hug.
I really hope that I can implement that into my life. I guess, awareness could really help me with this. I will start trying to listen to every interaction with other people more closely. How does a hug feel, how does it feel talking to a friend and so on.
I really hope that can help me in my journey.