Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)

Diary
125

It’s so annoying. Somehow it sounds good but it really annoys me.

I really miss the high feeling, seeing beautiful girls doing crazy stuff.
And my body really wants that feeling back.

I peaked today and it almost drives me crazy. Not because i can’t stop but because i wasn’t able to find what I find on other occasion. It never felt like today:

I knew this one site were I knew there are beautiful women. But once I was there I was like, whaat? they are not hot at all. And the few who are, are just acting (and by the way, pretty bad).

I went to the next site with professionals but there the content was just horrible. Even the things which I considered “normal” a week months ago seemed brutal and just not pleasing.

So, now I’m sitting here, my body is craving for the drug he used to take but it just isn’t there anymore. It’s a weird mixture between happiness that again, something changed within me but on the other hand it is just horrible.
My brain is the mood where it cries that I should search harder. The old porns I enjoyed have to be out there. But I know that they are not.
They just don’t give me pleasure. Somehow I have to make my body understanding that. I won’t find pleasure in the virtual world. Real pleasure is found outside. I’m currently preparing for my exams. It is really tough to concentrate without ■■■■ but it brings so much joy each time I understood a new chapter. And this knowledge that i as a person learned something new which brings me further is just amazing. This is what I should be looking for.

Why do I wanna see naked girls? That is something i really have to figure out. Because if it was just for the body then I could also just look at pictures. But I’m not attracted at all to pics. Maybe it is the knowledge that there is something in front of me which can’t have. But that typically only makes me angry.
I guess a huge point is also the believing that I’m missing something if I don’t have sex with all these girls (besides all the STD’s :sweat_smile: ). I guess what I really have to learn and practice, maybe the most important thing to bring me a step further in live is, that sex is not only about physical contact. it should be about a connection, about love and being close to someone you love. Hence I guess I should already be very satisfying to lay close to your girlfriend. It doesn’t always have to end in sex just to be right.

I guess that is what we learned from ■■■■. Cuddling and stuff is okay, but only if it leads to sex. There isn’t really a ■■■■ where the people cuddle, get up and cook dinner without having sexual intercourse. But that is what I wanna have. Having sex when it leads to but also be satisfied by only laying there. I guess that is what I’m looking for in ■■■■. Always having the next step ready. Less cloths, more girls, harder stuff but I never get what I’m looking for. Because what I’m looking for is love. For that I don’t need to look at naked girls. It is way more efficient to give my girlfriend a hug.

I really hope that I can implement that into my life. I guess, awareness could really help me with this. I will start trying to listen to every interaction with other people more closely. How does a hug feel, how does it feel talking to a friend and so on.

I really hope that can help me in my journey.

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126

I feel like this could become a very important entry for me:

During my childhood I was the outsider few friends and particularly no girlfriends. The “successful” guys had girlfriends and bragged about it.

I now feel very strong, self confident, and successful. I guess somehow my brain wants to tell me, the more successful I am the more girls I can have. The guys in middle schooled bragged about kissing a girl. I am now so successful that girls will do anything I want. It doesn’t stop with kissing them. It shows me porn were I can determine what I will see. The girls will do whatever I want and thus I feel recognized as a strong personality and maybe a better person than my bullies.

I feel like a nothing, like hiding all my skills if I don’t watch porn. How should people know how good I am if I can’t show them what girls would do for me? I worked so hard to get were I am but now I have to hide my skills?
I never thought it possible but it really is the case that I need porn to measure my success. People in real life often tell me that they envy me for my determination, that they look up or adopt certain habits from me. But I now see that that doesn’t carry to me.

Making a girl strip gives me so much more recognition for my skills then when someone tells me that he likes the calmness I emanate or a professor telling me that he likes my self-discipline.
Damn, I mean, without asking for it, i got an offer for a PHD and all i think is “great, lets make some girls strip to show how good I am”. I just now I realize how stupid I behave.

For months I haven’t felt such a leap anymore. I feel stupid, I could cry about my ignorance, how could I not have seen that? If it proves right what I wrote, then I shouldn’t have any reason anymore to watch porn. I really hope that this feeling I have right now stays and evolves further.

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128

Road to highest streak!

I’m sick of this bsh. I wanna break out of this cycle of continuous relapsing. This time I go for the highest streak I’ve ever had!

The statistic section will be my motivation. One goal after another. Tomorrow, it will reach the highest streak of the last 2 weeks.
After that I will go for the highest streaks during the last 30 days which will be reached in about 1 week from now.
After that 3 months and in the end 6 months where I will need to beat 35 days

Wish me not luck but strength and a clear mind to beat one record after another!

Streaks of the last 2 weeks:

  • 5 days
  • 2 days
  • current streak of 4 days
129

Road to highest streak!
First goal achieved! Today I hit the highest streak of the last 14 days.

Next streaks to beat / The streaks of the last 30 days:

  • 6 days
  • 8 days
  • 5 days
  • 2 days
  • current streak of 5 days

:sweat_smile: Somhow they don’t add up to 30 but that is due to the analysis of the statistic section.
This means, in 3 days I will have the highest streak of the last 30 days :slight_smile:

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130

In general, I’m not a fan of counting streaks. I don’t think that it is something that helps to cure the addiction. But I currently feel like porn is not like an addiction anymore but more like a stupid habit I have.

I know exactly when and how I relapse and I know what I should do to not relapse. But still as you can see from the streaks of the last month, I just can’t motivate me longer than these 6-10days.
I feel like i need some long streaks to break the habit and the feeling that porn gives me pleasure.

I will definitely continue counting until I reached my goal of the highest streak ever. I will then come up with a new system of counting progress since I don’t wanna fall from 90 to zero. I will need to find something different. Like relapse per year or so. Don’t know yet.

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131

I feel sooo great!!
Everything is just working amazingly well :blush:

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132

Reading this last entry just put a smile on my face! I’m sure you’ll achieve what you set out to do if you remember this exact simple post whenever you have an urge. Think of how content you were when you though it was important enough to put it in this diary.
Really proud of you man! And just behind you, we can do this! :slight_smile:

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133

Thanks man, it’s rough at the moment.

So, I thought I try to come up with a battle plan in the case of peaking at porn.

  • In a moment of weakness, or if I see that I can’t handle it anymore, I shut down my phone completely and place it far away.
  • I answer following two questions: Why did I have the urges / What triggered me & What is the use for me in my current situation if I watch porn / is there something better I could do
  • I write down a list with the next 24 hrs (if I peak at 17.00 i write down 18, 19, 20 … until 17.00. Each hour with a large bullet point. Every hour I didn’t open porn I can then accomplish something by ticking the respective hour.
  • After 24 hours I will write down my next small goal which motivates me to keep going.

I hope that this will help me to stay focused on my goals

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134

Had a relapse yesterday after 10 days.
Not an amazing streak but still okay. I’m not proud of it but it is better than my average.

Important now is not to binge but I don’t feel like it. I have no urges and feel decent.

I’m on track. I learn from each relapse. I guess that is the most important part. Learn from your mistakes and don’t do it again.

The last three relapses where each out of curiosity. I won’t do that again. My curiosity is now directed towards the life without porn

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135

Really like this image (not that much about ■■■■ but life in general)

grafik
grafik720×539 60.4 KB

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136

Besides that, is going pretty well. No urges and on my way to the start of day three.

An advice for more motivation (it at least works for me). I always reset the timer at around 17.00 (if I have to). It gives me some motivation since I always reach a goal during the day. So, i can celebrate my new accomplishments or push towards a goal which I can reach.

It’s much harder for me to reach high streaks if I reset the timer at midnight or so. It doesn’t give me that extra bit of power to go through the day

137

I’m a fucking liar!
I’m trying to give everyone around my advise how to improve but I can’t apply them for myself.
I’m pretending to do well when I’m broken inside.
I built a facade behind which I can hide.

It took me so far, that I believed that everything is going well when it is not. I built this intricate structure around happiness. All the rules and strategies I tried to apply. When in reality, I completely forgot to listen to my body and brain. It tells me what it needs to be happy. And that is not some weird strategies.

For my whole life I learned to be an amazing lair when it is about feelings. I improved this skill so far, that it is easy for me to lie to myself. But I will stop that.
3 days ago I re-started doing meditation and it is quite an eye-opener.

I think I will need some time for my self and won’t post here for some time.
But I will be back and post about my progress

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138

It’s only 8 days ago that I started meditation and so much changed.

Everything became to much for me. The stress with all my exams I will have during the next week, all the learning, not being able to do my sport due to a broken rib, and all the feelings and insights into my life due to meditation and psychotherapy.

I finally really realized that I have to change a lot. One thing I have learned during the last year is, that there is not THE solution for nofap. There isn’t an easy advice you can follow and you get clean. its about changing the way you live, feel, love.

It would be too long to talk about all the things I wanna change. But writing them down can help me remember them.

So, this is my list with points I wanna change / realize for a better life:

  • don’t chase happiness. It is something that is always there (every day)
  • accepting compliments
  • believing in the honesty of my friends
  • time passes by quite slowly as long as I don’t use a computer -> i have enough time
  • Each body part has a function
    -> feet are for walking and don’t belong into a mouth
    -> body fluids belong into the body (or the toilet) not onto the body
    -> naked boobs belong inside the bedroom
  • porn taught us, that sex can happen everywhere, with everyone and spontaneous. That is just wrong. I wanna lose my sex thoughts in places where they just don’t belong to
  • Habits are good and make life easier
  • Feel safe where you are
  • Concentrate on the one single thing you are doing / No multitasking
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139

Besides the previous points I wanna change in my life, I also wrote To-Do list for nofap

  • Understand your problem and accept that it really is a problem
  • What helps me porn fleeing from? Which situations do I not wanna handle?
  • Learn to feel the emotions. How do they feel? How bad are they really?
  • Can I do something to change those feelings? What does the feeling wanna tell me? How can I react to them?
  • Learn how to react. Which feelings can’t I change and have to learn to accept as a part of life? Which can I influence

These are points everyone knows are important to answer. I rushed through them before and answered them. But I never really took time. It took me 1 week to really grasp the influence of my lifestyle. So, point one is checked. The next one maybe will take even more time to answer.

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140

Thanks for the great posts @neveragaintw
I like that you wrote; “No Multitasking” and “Habits are good” :smile: I’ll adopt those too :wink::pray:

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141

Thanks @anon67854825. It always feels great when I can help others. Even if it is for only small things :slight_smile:

Day 2:
Got a really amazing feedback on my first exam of this period. It feels awesome to see that all the effort and work I put into that is recognized.
So much pressure just came of my shoulders. I feel like this could give me the power to resist ■■■■ for the next days even though they will be tough too

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142

Just as a brief reminder for me (Don’t have the full answer yet)
Main reason for urges: Urges arise when I do something that is damaging myself.
Wasting time instead of doing what I should or neglecting the needs of my body

It doesn’t feel like this is the full reason. It’s not hurting me as much as it should to write it. But it is a good start

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143

Went mountain biking today.
First 80% of the trail were amazing. I was faster and rode better than ever before.
Then I got a puncture without having a spare tube with me. I had to push my bike all the way back home which took me about an hour.

Now the question. Is this a good day? I could either focus on the fact that I had to push my bike home or on the fact that I had an amazing bike ride (at least 80%)

That’s the main thing I learned from meditation so far.
See the positive things in life!

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144

For the people who wanna follow me as a companion, please drop your sharing code
mine is: 83cadf

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145

Tomorrow I will reach the highest streak of the last month :slight_smile:
Also, just 8 more days and I will have the highest streak of the last 3months

I now have two weeks of holidays. I feel amazing. All the pressure from the exam period is lifted from my shoulders. Thus, feeling really good

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