Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)


#1

Hi everyone,

I copy the part of the old forum first.
the point is that it helps me to see my way here, visible for everyone. Additionally, it maybe helps someone else who struggles.


#2

I don’t know how it behaves in your case, but every time I try to stop fapping starts the same way.
The old habit tells: go home, start your computer and open an inprivat session. It won’t take long and it’s no real relapse. I won’t watch any porns. I’ll just scroll through to see which ones are new to stay up to date. 4 hours later I could beat myself for my own stupidity. If, on the other hand, I don’t do what my brain tells me, I’ll start feeling bad, getting tired, frustrated and so on. After about a week or two without fapping, this urge starts to get weaker. After about 30 days I start to think I’m over the whole thing. And I mean, it’s just looking at some pictures. That’s not the same as watching porn. Wrong!! Bang, I’m back at daily watching it for hours.
And the worst thing is. The more confident I am that I will never ever watch porns again, the louder screams my body. Already a single day starts to hurt, my body and soul doesn’t wanna change.

To cut a long story short, first day in. Just came back from school. This is the time when I always did it. Not this time. That’s why I’m sitting here and write this little story.

But that’s not the only thing. What works for me maybe works for you too. I found out that I love the counter of the nf companion app. I think at least for the first few days I will have this page constantly open (or at least during the times when I’m most prone to relapse.)
I can look at the clock which counts up every second. It tells me, every single second during which I’m looking at this clock instead of fapping brings me one second closer to my goal. 365 days! Additionally, I have a porn site blocker on my laptop, so, I have absolutely no chance to open a porn page on it -> take a look at k9 web protect. I made a password which i forgot. So, I have no possibility at all to excess any wrong pages anymore.) So, to access a porn I have to close the upwards counting clock. Which I can’t do since it motivates me to stay strong.


#3

Damn challenge
The urge to watch porns stopped. or at least the habit of coming home and start my computer is much weaker.
But I’m really looking forward to the flatline. How can you guys handle this challenge???
I would like to take every single woman I see on the street. The urge is so strong, my body screams and I would like to cry. I’m feeling like an animal, like a brainless savage not knowing anything else than my urges

I’m glad that I have my companions which help me through this. Thanks guys <3


#4

Day 12 is over and each day I get closer to relapsing.
There are just sooo many sources of hot girls. Every add and product just sells because of sex. I music video doesn’t get famous because of the good singer but because the singer looks hot and wears only a bra, female twitch streamer don’t have tons of viewers because of the games they’re playing but because of the boobs they are (almost) showing and so on.

It’s just so hard to remove all the girls from my life, but I think if I would like to survive the next 3 weeks I will just have to force my self to close every single tab where I can find beautiful girls

I just wish that I will be strong enough. It is my last chance


#5

Day 15 and it doesn’t get easier.
At least I’m not that interested in girls any more. They start to look normally hot again
So, at least it is possible to walk around without brainlessly think how every girl looks naked.

But now resignation starts to kick in. Two weeks done, so I deserve a reward right? And it’s just natural to fap every once and a while right? And what about a short porn? just 5min that can’t be bad right?

BUT FUCK NOOO!!! STUPID BRAIN. STOP TRYING TO CHEAT ME INTO SOMEHTING I DON’T WANNA DO!!

Which animal watches his mates fucking without doing it too? Which animal feels pleasure in sitting in front of a screen in the bath room where you’re supposed to shit and fucking do it on your own??? Which animal masturbates daily for hours???

FUCK YOU BRAIN, it’s not natural to do it. NO, I don’t wanna feel pleasure in watching an other girl getting fucked in positions in which she definitely can’t feel pleasure. NO!! i don’t wanna see a girl getting fucked by stranger guy, getting slapped and gagged!!! WHAT THE FUCK how can I find that hot??

You almost got me stupid brain. The last few days were hard. I always caught myself touching my dick. BUT YOU WENT TOO FAR. I will resist you even more now!!


#6

Day 29, almost one month
And the last few days I was closest to a relapse since my start here.

I think the way to beat this addiction is to know what your body is throwing at you as soon as you stop giving in to his craving and how to handle it. There is no shortcut. You have to go all the way from the beginning to the end.

During the last few weeks I was able to really distinguish between different stages.

  • It started with almost physical pain -> When the pain got to hard I went for a walk or to the gym
  • My body wanted sex so bad, every girl looked as hot as the hottest pornstar -> I had to deeply understand that this isn’t how I wanna look at girls. They are not a sex object
  • After that I really started to miss my girls. I though I have to go back to them, I need them and they need me -> I had to change my mind set, because they only want my money and aren’t interested in my personality. Also, I don’t think that everyone prostitute / pornstar likes her decision / life and I don’t wanna support that
    (I can highly recommend the Tedx Talk on YouTube: “Why I stopped watching porn” from Ran Gavrieli
  • Then my brain wanted to trick me into watching “harmless” “not really” porn things (like just hot pictures or hot YouTube clips). I think every one knows this one. -> It’s just really important to say that every single thing is equal to a porn and has to be closed immediately.

The last few days I really struggled and was almost not able to continue. My thoughts circled around the porn topic the whole day without me realizing it : What can’t I watch? Why is it so hard not to? How was it to watch it? and so on.
Thinking at all this things the whole day made it almost impossible to resist a relapse. Luckily I figured out this nasty trick of the addiction. Now I just force my self not to think of the whole addiction at all. As soon as a thought comes to my mind I push it away.

Stay strong Buddys. I wanna see you all one they 30 too.


#7

It helps, at least for me. I feel very identified with most of what you tell. Thanks for sharing.


#8

Thanks for sharing :slight_smile:


#10

Day 32:
the first completely positive post.

I always had the wrong believing, that each day has to be better than the previous one. Because of that I felt very depressed between day 23-29. Each day was worse than the one before. I wasn’t able to focus on anything for longer than 5min, I felt bad, tired during the day and not able to get up in the moring. Thus, studying became so hard, that I thought lets fap to get rid of this bad feeling.
Always after fapping I had about 30min where I felt omniscient, capable of solving every theoretical problem. So, lets fap to be able to focus, at least for 30min. I wanted to have this feeling again.

But I didn’t. And the last two days were absolutely awesome! I felt so good.
I don’t believe that from now one every day will feel like that and that I’m healed. But at least I know that there are days were I feel good. And this is what I’m fighting for.
I believe that, the longer I live without porn, the more frequent will be the days where I feel strong and the fewer the days where I feel bad. And the easier it will be to resist the urge of fapping.

All of this is only possible because of the great support I have from all of you.
Thanks a lot to everyone!!!

I will stay strong and really hope that you come to this point as fast as possible too.


#11

Day 34

From now on also no more music videos of female singers. It always starts harmless with normal videos. But I caught myself watching the same music video about 10 times and not only because I like the song.

It just really doesn’t help to reduce my urges. Infect I really started watching it because of the song and the urge only came because of the video :persevere:

How far did mankind come that we want women to jump around on stage just wearing a bra??
Did we really came that far that you can only be a good singer if your beautiful and naked because all men want to see that???

Ok now put on some good normal music and start training to focus on something else


#12

Thanks for sharing! I am also in this stage of my. It is such a terrible experience but I believe WE can overcome it. Stay strong my friend.


#13

Day 47

A long time since my last entry.
An important step is done. It feels great being able to live without having to watch porn. I feel like I could move on like this for ever. Last week I was once very close to relapsing. I opened a porn page and wanted to search for something beautiful but I was just disgusted by what I saw and closed it again without any problems. It was so great to feel that my brain is healing and that it doesn’t like this disgusting stuff anymore (don’t get me wrong the urges to fap and to watch porn is still there, slumbering inside but at least not watching porn is pretty easy now.)

Nevertheless I will restart my timer.
I found my mind still wandering around beautiful girls. I found my self watching YouTube music videos of hot singers too often or during studying just touching my dick without even remembering putting hand down there and so on. I often told myself that it isn’t a relapse worth resetting a 45 days timer and I really feel like it isn’t. Since my first goal was to get rid of porn. Also, I started wasting more and more time on YouTube in general just because I had too much time and didn’t know how to handle that.

For me personally this approach to quit porn helped a lot. It’s a horribly hard addiction to get rid of even like that. I can’t imagine how hard it has to be in hardmode. So, during my time without porn I allowed myself to hold my hand in my lap (of course no fapping or things like this) but somehow just having the hand there calmed my mind. It helped me having a lot fewer urges. Surprisingly it reduced the urges other than made them stronger. Probably because i placed my hand there without thinking about it.

I think I can say that I overcame a large portion but what I would like to do now is going a step further to what many of you guys are already doing.
Goal is to

  • start meditating again (used to do it when i was younger),
  • keep my hands far away from my dick,
  • Only going to YouTube or take a look at my phone if I really want something in particular. I wanna use the 4 hours I now have saved each day since I’m not fapping anymore, to do something meaningful not wasting it on YouTube.
    I think in the beginning I will just try to do nothing instead of going to YouTube (just sitting there doing nothing until my brain comes to a better idea than social media).
  • AND MOST IMPORTANT: I think that I can now start repairing my sexuality. Same as before with porn i still have weird urges when I lay in the bad with my girlfriend, i don’t know why but sex just feels wrong how I do it. I feel like acting in a porn while having sex. It doesn’t feel natural and I don’t know why. It’s hard to explain since I don’t now how it should be normally since I had this porn addiction long before i had my first time. I guess I can use the 4 hours daily to figure out what it really means to have a girlfriend

To all my Buddys and you guys out there. Don’t be depressed and think that it will take for ever to get rid of the addiction. If you can’t do hard mode, try it in smaller steps. Try to make it a little bit easier until you are sure that you can handle that for as long as you want (just don’t try no porn but fapping. I tried it and it doesn’t help you at all. I feel like fapping is just too close to watching porn so that it isn’t possible to do one but not the other). I will restart my timer now. Not because I feel like I relapsed but because I would like to have the chance to reach farther. I think it’s an important thing that you don’t try to change your whole life at once. I know many won’t like this comment, since many of you go for hardmode nofap and you definitely have my admiration. I don’t think that I would have been able to do that on my first go. I was too weak to go for hardmode in my first try but now I feel ready and prepared to do the last step and go back to a healthy life uninfluenced by porn and the whole sex-sells industry.

I wish you all an amazing 2018 with many successful days


#14

Thaks for sharing your great experiences. I think you are doing it very well.
About how to have a sane life with your girlfriend, just my view. When love is the main thing, sex is a nice tool to heat that love. If sex is the main thing, bad signal. Respect for your girlfriend and trying to make her happy is the key to a good relation. I have been happily married for more that ten years, and ever tried the best for my wife, except this ugly addiction to P, that I know she wouldn’t like if she knew.


#15

@kamafeo thanks man
I open a short tread about that. I’m curious about the experience of the others.

new Day 1
I feel that i get closer to one of my biggest fears.
We invited a chummy couple where the guy told us for the first time about his time when he had problems watching porn. I feel that I would love to do that too and was close to crying in front of everyone.
The problem is that afterwards I did talk with my girlfriend about this topic (about him watching porn) and she said that watching porn isn’t like every other drug but that it is more disgusting.
It just makes it so hard to do this final step if I know that my girlfriend could find me disgusting because of it.


#16

My advice: don’t tell her your problems with porn. Just stop it forever. It is something stupid you used to do, but now you will not do anymore. Talking about your problems to her will change the view she have about you for ever. If you can stop watching porn, don’t tell her about. If you can’t stop, then you will have to tell her for support and assume your relation will change, maybe to worse. That is a good reason to stop it for ever.


#17

Okay, it’s a good advise. It’s just horrible to feel like I betrayed her for years. And hurts every time she says something like that it is amazing that we trust each other so much that we don’t need to have any secrets.

But i guess you’re right and it is better to not tell her.
Thanks


#18

Day 3+
Somehow it is pretty easy not to think of porn and all the bad stuff.
But I really should give my mind some time to wander and heal. Since I restarted the timer and started with this stronger mode I feel really bad. The last days where so busy that I didn’t have time for my mind. And I feel like crap. I feel that there is something inside me that I have to address. So, tonight before going to bed I will spend sometime figuring out why I feel so bad.

In my opinion it is really important not only to be abstinent from porn but also to figure out what your mind really needs. I guess that most of us used porn to hide from something or the flee from something in the really life. I can really recommande everyone to give your self some time to meditate or just doing nothing so that your mind can tell you what it really wants


#19

Psicologist told me if you take something out, porn in our case, you have to put something in. It is necesary to observe and study what our brain need instead of porn, but be careful is not something addictive. For example I tried to change porn for PS3 games, and it didn’t worked, too addictive. The brain has to slow down its urge for hard emotions and novelties. Meditation may be a good help, but being careful not to get deppresed by it.


#20

Your absolutely right. That’s about my story in short :persevere:
Bullying led to porn and computer games addiction -> i quit gaming and replaced it with excessive sport -> I destroyed all my joints because of it and had to quit doing sports and had nothing to replace it with, which led to a major depression.
During all this I tried to get rid of watching porn but was never able to do it.

But I’m wiser now. I hope I can replace porn with continuing playing the piano and reading books.


#21

Same here, was escaping bullying and social interaction in general, so in the beginning it was books and reading, then games, then Porn. Through overcoming the games addiction I noticed that I started reading more again. In the end, you always are addicted to something, somehow, but it depends on what that is if you have to change and replace it.
In the end, it’s not about quitting an addiction, it’s about building a healthy lifestyle that makes you content with yourself and your actions.
Funny enough man, I play the piano as well! So keep on practicing and playing, music and creative productivity is a big part of my recovery!