This will probably be the hardest thing for me to write about. I always told myself that it doesn’t exist and I pushed it deep down so that I don’t have to handle these thoughts. But that’s not how recovery works. So, lets unfold what is hidden:
I met my girlfriend something like 8 years ago. I was 18ish back then and she was my first and only girlfriend. She is the most amazing person and i really love her and never ever wanna have another girl but porn induced a thought into my brain:
In a normal porn day you can “meet” dozens of girls. You see different body types, different characters, different settings and I’m wondering how would another girl be in bed. I walk through the streets and the only thing I can think of is: How good would she be, would she be dominant or not, what would she do, where would we do it and so on. Or things like “yea, she would definitely be like the girl there in this particular clip, that would be amazing”.
I’m really desperate and don’t know what to do about it. That’s why I thought that I have to let out my thoughts here.
I don’t know if the problem is the one I previously mentioned or if I’m just a kind of person who is never happy with what he has and always searched for something even better. But I don’t think that this is true. When I’m together with her, I’m the most happy person on the world. The problem arises as soon as she is not near me. I do feel that I miss her even when we are apart for only a week.
Somehow I have to learn to bath in my luck, having my girl and I have to stop seeing the other things as important. It doesn’t matter what other couples do in bed, doesn’t matter how it would feel to kiss someone else, how someone else would behave. I already found my perfect match.
It annoys me, since the first two weeks were so easy and I felt so good. But the last three days were like hell. I think I couldn’t have been (and still be) closer to a relapse but I don’t wanna. In porn, I see what I don’t have. I don’t have 200 different women, I can’t have a different kind of sex every day, I can’t choose the look and style according to my daily mood and it also doesn’t make sense to have that. But like a child, I always wanna have what I can’t have.