I have to write down some things. Not too much porn related but I guess important to me.
As every week I will have my tango lessons tonight in a few hours and as every week, it scares the shit out of me and I have no clue why.
Itās kind of funny to see all the voices battling inside me. One, the oldest, tells me to take a long nap, to immerse into youtube or twitch. Just get away from all the feelings.
But I decided to not do that and I just sit there. And it is interesting to hear a tiny voice which say. You are hungry, go eat and prepare for your lesson. If you donāt feel like studying now, clean up your room. Attack! Tackle your problems! You wonāt achieve your goals if you always pull back. Itās the voice which wants me to do things. The one that knows that I will only be happy if I try out new things and if I get stuff done.
There is a voice inside which knows what I should do. But I donāt want hear it. I donāt want to battle my feelings. I just wanna sit into a bubble. But why? The image pops into my mind. Me inside a bubble. Without any troubles, sure, but also not achieving every thing. Not knowing pain but thus not knowing happiness either.
Itās so interesting to see that every Thursday afternoon, I would love to quit the course and every evening after the course I feel like you should do it every single day.
Hmmm, what if Iām not scared in the first place? For my whole life I learned that I can always pull back. If I donāt wanna do something and I get sick, then I donāt have to do it. As a child I got so good at it, that when I didnāt wanna go hiking with my parents my leg really started to hurt. When I didnāt wanna go to a birthday party I just got sick. Like literally got fever. This continued all the way to my current life. Until last year, every time before an exam, I got ill. Same if I had to visit friends or organize a party. Interestingly, at the day of the exam, the fever went away every single time. It seems that my body tries to get a way from the stress. But as soon as it realizes that it is not possible and that I have to write the exam, it goes into a normal mode and just does what it has to do.
It feels very similar on Thursdays. I feel horrible, until I see my dance partner. From this very second, all the bad feelings are gone. I guess that as long as I have the chance to pull back, my brain tries to motivate me to turn around. But as soon as I see her, the brain has lost, I canāt just turn around and walk away. So, it has to live with it and does the best out of the situation.
I realized that this is the case for my exams last year and with a new strategy I had the first exam session without being ill. Maybe I can apply the same mindset to all the situation in live where I feel stressed, uncomfortable and fear out of no good reason.
I donāt wanna be that guy, sitting in a bubble only knowing mediocre feeling. Never sad, stressed, pained but never enthusiastic, happy, motivated.
I wanna be that guy outside. Sure, sometimes new things fail. But only trying out new stuff leads to progression.