Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)


#104

This will probably be the hardest thing for me to write about. I always told myself that it doesn’t exist and I pushed it deep down so that I don’t have to handle these thoughts. But that’s not how recovery works. So, lets unfold what is hidden:

I met my girlfriend something like 8 years ago. I was 18ish back then and she was my first and only girlfriend. She is the most amazing person and i really love her and never ever wanna have another girl but porn induced a thought into my brain:

In a normal porn day you can “meet” dozens of girls. You see different body types, different characters, different settings and I’m wondering how would another girl be in bed. I walk through the streets and the only thing I can think of is: How good would she be, would she be dominant or not, what would she do, where would we do it and so on. Or things like “yea, she would definitely be like the girl there in this particular clip, that would be amazing”.

I’m really desperate and don’t know what to do about it. That’s why I thought that I have to let out my thoughts here.

I don’t know if the problem is the one I previously mentioned or if I’m just a kind of person who is never happy with what he has and always searched for something even better. But I don’t think that this is true. When I’m together with her, I’m the most happy person on the world. The problem arises as soon as she is not near me. I do feel that I miss her even when we are apart for only a week.

Somehow I have to learn to bath in my luck, having my girl and I have to stop seeing the other things as important. It doesn’t matter what other couples do in bed, doesn’t matter how it would feel to kiss someone else, how someone else would behave. I already found my perfect match.

It annoys me, since the first two weeks were so easy and I felt so good. But the last three days were like hell. I think I couldn’t have been (and still be) closer to a relapse but I don’t wanna. In porn, I see what I don’t have. I don’t have 200 different women, I can’t have a different kind of sex every day, I can’t choose the look and style according to my daily mood and it also doesn’t make sense to have that. But like a child, I always wanna have what I can’t have.


#105

We all want something New in our life. Women is no different.

As a Bachelor, Enjoy. In my case (married) extramarritial affairs brings only guilt. Though i never had a affair. My point is marriage puts some chains on your sexual freedom. It is partly good and partly bad.

I think there should be one point in our life, When we must decide to Rise above our Sexual needs. Into Spiritual thing.


#106

Had one of the worst weeks ever. I’m a very introverted person (which is my trait and nothing bad in general. It just makes some things a bit more complicated but really helps me with other things). Also, change is one of the worst things for me. I feel comfortable having a good rhythm and I get panic if many things change around me.

This week I had an important presentation, I had to ask friends if they could help me moving to a new apartment, I had to organize a car for moving, I had a tango lesson, I had to move into my new apartment, my girlfriend then came for 2 days to my city and today I met a friend who came from America. And all of this in the days from Wednesday to Sunday
So, it wouldn’t have been possible to have more change and more social events going on.

The closer Wednesday came, the worse I felt and the harder the urges got. on Tuesday night I laid in my bed, crying for 30min without knowing why. I had a racing heart, my whole body was shaking and I felt like I would die every second. I realized that this can’t be normal and that I have to figure out why all these things trouble me that much. I wanted to take out a piece of paper and write down everything that troubled me so that I can judge them one after another. But I just didn’t get the power and clarity to do that.

I know that almost everyone would judge what comes next as a relapse. But, what is a relapse? For me, a relapse is something that happens out of weakness and destroys your progress. It pushes you back the ladder. What I did was, that I watched porn for 5min. Exactly after 5min i closed the browser and knew that I would have a clear mind for a few minutes. I took these few min of clarity and started to write down what troubled me. And I really did find the source of it. With finding that, every bit of urge I had during the last 2 weeks disappeared and I felt so much better. What’s even better, not even during the next 5 days I felt any urge to fap again.
So, somehow it just feels wrong to count that as a relapse. I think I did what was wisest in this moment. These 5min helped me to figure out a new source of triggers and additionally helped me overcoming it. I feel stronger than before and closer to my goal of a porn free life than I’ve ever been

In general I think we should care less about relapsing and more about progress. I would never every worry whether or not it is a relapse if someone on the street showed me her boobs, or if I saw an add in the television which was slightly sexy


#107

@neveragaintw progress is more important. I think each person has to define what a relapse is but for themselves.
You should look at how you responded to watching porn as a plus. It does sound a little wierd but if you quit before going farther you didn’t surrender completely to your urge.


#108

Can you explain this clarity of mind by watching 5 minutes of porn ?


#109

I feel the same as scorpionzz described. during and shortly after fapping my brain is always completely clear. I feel free of all problems and i can focus extremely well on whatever I wanna do.

That’s why I used porn for studying. I fapped and in parallel studies for university. I got never tired neither hungry and I remembered everything pretty well


#110

This tango course is one of the best things that could have happened to me.
It is so fascinating to see that my mind could still be able to not see women as objects. I just have to listen to my true self. Porn hasn’t destroyed who I was. I can unfold again my true traits.

Also, it teaches me to be more confident. The man has to lead. I have to tell which steps we dance and I can’t ask her if she want do to the same or not. I just have to believe in myself that what I’m doing is right and only then, it will feel good.

Also, It is literally not possible to get any closer to a girl but still, I don’t have any sexual thoughts. It just feels good to dance together (I’m not dancing with my girlfriend but with a stranger girl I met because of this course. My girlfriend is too far away as that she could join me)


#111

Reawakening this topic.
Now, kind of a brutal season starts again.
Learning phase for the exam. A lot to do, too much time to do other stuff.
I need to find a good balance for this.

  • spending enough time learning efficiently
  • spending time outside for my hobbies
  • reserving some time for my mind to wander around

Also, I want this to become either a final push out of the addiction or at least a huge streak.

So, lets start this:

Day 0
I feel like the more I restrict the usage of porn on all my devices the stronger my brain wants to test these restrictions.
So, a new approach:
I may watch porn and masturbate. But before, I have to post 10 good reasons why I wanna end my streak and open the porn page.


#112

I have to write down some things. Not too much porn related but I guess important to me.

As every week I will have my tango lessons tonight in a few hours and as every week, it scares the shit out of me and I have no clue why.
It’s kind of funny to see all the voices battling inside me. One, the oldest, tells me to take a long nap, to immerse into youtube or twitch. Just get away from all the feelings.
But I decided to not do that and I just sit there. And it is interesting to hear a tiny voice which say. You are hungry, go eat and prepare for your lesson. If you don’t feel like studying now, clean up your room. Attack! Tackle your problems! You won’t achieve your goals if you always pull back. It’s the voice which wants me to do things. The one that knows that I will only be happy if I try out new things and if I get stuff done.

There is a voice inside which knows what I should do. But I don’t want hear it. I don’t want to battle my feelings. I just wanna sit into a bubble. But why? The image pops into my mind. Me inside a bubble. Without any troubles, sure, but also not achieving every thing. Not knowing pain but thus not knowing happiness either.

It’s so interesting to see that every Thursday afternoon, I would love to quit the course and every evening after the course I feel like you should do it every single day.

Hmmm, what if I’m not scared in the first place? For my whole life I learned that I can always pull back. If I don’t wanna do something and I get sick, then I don’t have to do it. As a child I got so good at it, that when I didn’t wanna go hiking with my parents my leg really started to hurt. When I didn’t wanna go to a birthday party I just got sick. Like literally got fever. This continued all the way to my current life. Until last year, every time before an exam, I got ill. Same if I had to visit friends or organize a party. Interestingly, at the day of the exam, the fever went away every single time. It seems that my body tries to get a way from the stress. But as soon as it realizes that it is not possible and that I have to write the exam, it goes into a normal mode and just does what it has to do.

It feels very similar on Thursdays. I feel horrible, until I see my dance partner. From this very second, all the bad feelings are gone. I guess that as long as I have the chance to pull back, my brain tries to motivate me to turn around. But as soon as I see her, the brain has lost, I can’t just turn around and walk away. So, it has to live with it and does the best out of the situation.
I realized that this is the case for my exams last year and with a new strategy I had the first exam session without being ill. Maybe I can apply the same mindset to all the situation in live where I feel stressed, uncomfortable and fear out of no good reason.

I don’t wanna be that guy, sitting in a bubble only knowing mediocre feeling. Never sad, stressed, pained but never enthusiastic, happy, motivated.
I wanna be that guy outside. Sure, sometimes new things fail. But only trying out new stuff leads to progression.


#113

Yes! i found it.
I knew there was a quote I read 2 years a go which inspired me to get out of my depression:

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten”

This quote has so many amazing meanings. But for me, I always come to the conclusion that I have to START doing things differently. There is no sense to say, I will start running as soon as I feel more like it. I will get a girlfriend after I finished nofap. I will quit the tango course and continue as soon as I feel better.

The first action is YOUR step forward. You will only change if YOU do the first step. The first is only uncomfortable since you don’t know what you will get. But it has to be done or you will only get what you already know


#114

Day 3
surprisingly, the first 3 days went very well.
I feel that writing a diary helps me so much in battling this addiction

Now, I take 4 days or so of holiday before I then start my exam preparation.
That means that the next 4 days will be pretty easy too.


#115

Form day 6 -> 0
Always the same fucking shit!
I always get surprised when I don’t expect it :sob:
Why can’t I live to my own rules? Why didn’t I open the forum and wrote my diary? why didn’t I stand up and did something else?

The last (probably 10) relapses always happen to the same scheme.
I feel pretty good the whole day. Typically acknowledging that I’m really proud that everything goes so well. I then go to the laptop. Surfing randomly through the internet. And from one second to the other I get triggered.
I know that I should do something differently immediately. But I don’t. I’m not committed enough.
Something inside tells me that it isn’t that bad. That I’m almost out of the addiction, so it isn’t that bad to do it. It is under my control, I’m just briefly peaking. I don’t wanna quit since I see girls as an important part of my life

But that’s just wrong. I have to remember why I’m doing this. What porn did to me and still does. I feel like I’m missing something without it. I’m losing a part of my life. And that is true. I am losing something. But that’s exactly what I wanna do. I do wanna lose this part of my life.

Why do I feel that I’m losing something important when I don’t see these girls anymore?

I once learned to draw a flower. Every leave of the flower should be a trait of mine or something that is important to me. The goal was to see that the more leaves my flower has, the less important is one. That was during the time that I defined everything I did through my grades. I had to learn that there are other things, more important than just grades.
I feel like now, it is the other way around. Porn/sex/girls is one leave of mine. I fear to let it go since I don’t show myself what else there is. I fear that I lose an essential part of me. That if this leave goes away, I won’t be the same person, I will lose the majority of who I am. But in truth I’m losing a dying, sick leave which infested all the others. I have to let this one go, so that the other ones can be cured and strong.

I’m not loosing something essential, I’m not loosing an important trait but an infection. I will draw my current flower today. With all the important leaves and the infested ones. It will show me that there will still be more than enough leaves left. It shows me what I am and what I could be.
Let’s hope that this will help me


#116

@neveragaintw, I love your for metaphor! It’s good you acknowledge this, and that you know what exactly caused you to relapse.
For me, internet is also a trigger, so I’m trying to limit my time on it for maximum 2-2.5 hours per day.
Maybe try not to use your laptop or internet except where your family can see you, or if that is risky for relapse as well, then only in public.
You can do it! Just one more pebble and fall on the road to recovery!


#117

Day 2:
Counter is slowly rising
Have some urges. Mainly because I’m tired and feeling so sluggish. It’s way too hot for me right now which keeps me from being efficient.
But I know that it is only in my mind. My body would have the energy if I was able to get my mind in the right mood.


#118

Hey man, glad you are back on track! Still, don’t beat yourself down too much about the heat. As I live in the same country I can heavily relate. All I’m doing the past few days is somehow surviving the heat :wink:


#119

Day 5:

I decided to talk about every urge I have. That makes it easier for me to start this forum when I get an actual threat.

Currently I feel the urge. I feel pretty sad. I would love to finish a report but somehow I feel too sad to start. The infection (porn) is telling me that if I watch a porn I will feel better. I will be happy again. The dopamine will give me a high which makes me feel good and thus I will be able to write on my report productively.

But I don’t wanna do that. Porn shall not be a part of my life anymore! I think I will walk a bit around, grab a glass of water and will open my report. I will feel great once I’ve finished it.


#120

Day 8:
Nothing special going on. Still, wanted to say that I reached day 8 :blush:
The last times I reached something above 6 days I went for a really long streak (20 and 35 days)
I really hope that I can go the whole semester break (another 2.5 months) without PM


#121

It’s so nice to see.
Some months ago, my streaks looked so that I had one longer streak (10-15 days) and after that binging for a few days. So, it was like 15d - 1d -1d - 1d - 1d -10d and so on.
If I look at the last three months, my streaks are 35 - 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 - 14 and now I’m on day 7

It’s amazing to see the streaks going up. I hope I can go for 50 days this time.


#122

You will! Because you’ve learned a lot!
Thanks for sharing the hope, I’ve needed it today!


#123

Thanks a lot! Somehow my mind almost tricked me to relapse this morning. But I remembered your comment. I thought that I can’t let you down right after writing how good everything is going :sweat_smile:

What happened yesterday?