Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)


#83

New semester, new try

5 months ago I started this nofap journey and I came quite far even though I’m back on day 1
Tomorrow the new semester at university starts and with it, I’m back in Germany, the place where I relapse the most :sleepy:
I wan’t this semester to be a really good one. Just a quick summery of what I reached and what my plan for the next months is.

reached:

  • Sometimes I start to feel my old self again (how I was before my addiction) I’m curious, wanna do new stuff and I enjoy nature again. The moments where I think "why should I watch a porn if I could go out for a hike??
  • my relation with my dad got better again. (my interest in what he reached in his life, has grown a lot
  • Less moody, more often happy then I was half a year ago
  • After working with a psychologist for about 3 years I’m finally close to a normal life without severe mental issues. The root is pulled out. Just need to cement these mindsets
  • figured out a possible morning routine which works pretty well for me

goal for this semester:

  • Working on my self discipline (if someone knows a good video feel free to share). This should help me to keep me on track, no watching porn and get stuff done instead of procrastinating.
  • No multitasking. If I’m learning I do nothing else. No youtube, no twitch, no porn. just focus on one thing at the time
  • healthy free time besides university. Don’t study all night long inefficiently. (being more efficient while working and then also take the rest of the day and spend it on my hobbies)
  • Establish the mentioned morning routine, as well as a evening routine.
    (morning routine: getting up, drinking a glass of water, make my bed, open the shutter and taking a look at my whiteboard (on this I wrote a lot of stuff down: What kind of person am I with porn vs what am I without porn. What is my true personality, my main goals and some motivating quotes)
    when coming home routine: still have to figure it out but something like watching a video of “elevated recovery”, looking at my whiteboard again, maybe meditation.)
    night routine: close laptop and smartphone at 11pm, stretching, reading for 15min (ish), recall the day and compliment myself for all the things I did well. Write down small goals for the next day))
  • Longer streaks (Something like a 40 day average), no binging after a relapse
  • Using this forum only once a day (most of the topics are not motivating me to take action but exactly the opposite. They focus on NOT fapping, NOT acting on your urges, which things should I NOT do because they are bad for me. All this negativity and telling my what i mustn’t do is not how my brain works. I need someone who helps me to see were I wanna be and I will figure out a way to achieve that, This motivating voice is elevated recovery)

#84

I didn’t know you had been through all this. Kudos to you brother. You proved that only we can change our situation and no one else.

I too struggle with becoming more self-disciplined and have came a long way from what I used to be. I came across this 5 Second Rule given by Mel Robbins, its a short trick, look it up on YouTube. Further, Gym helps me a lot in training my mind and controlling my emotions plus when my body becomes better day be day it is an additional boost of confidence for me. I am not even 5% of what I aim to be but I am moving towards it everyday.

You have came this far and you still have hunger to better yourself, you will obviously move past this hurdle of PMO. Keep motivating brother. :blush:


#85

Thanks a lot for your words!
I will definitely look at the video. Sounds really interesting

you can do all of that too as long as you know what your goal is and how you wanna be!


#86

You pointed out multi-tasking, I was in that trap till December, I was studying for three degrees at once and also trying my hands on entrepreneurship. Sense dawned upon me when I failed miserably in two of the degrees and had to postpone one of them as well as the startup. I was making a fool out of myself. Now I am focusing completely on my major. Hopefully I will be able to complete what I have left in my hand.


#87

Thanks for writing this and the recent one about planning the process… Thanks a lot for this. This diary is the best thing on this forum…


#88

Man, you are way too kind.
Thanks a lot! Looking forward to your newly started diary too.


#89

I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH to let porn ever again be a part of my life
I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH to see how this addiction replaces all my good traits with bad ones
I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH to keep wasting time, doing what I don’t like instead of doing what I love
I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH to watch how I get dictated by this
I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH to continue watching how I don’t reach my goals


#90

I was finally able to change my mindset to a very important topic.
Currently my motto is: I am productive as long as I know what I’m doing and I’m focusing on this single thing.

previously I felt like I am unproductive and lazy as soon as I stand up from my desk because that is where you get your work done… So, I had to try to keep myself in front of my desk as long as possible -> I watched porn to remove all tiredness, hunger or any other feeling that made me stand up from my desk. and without knowing I got less and less productive

I was able to transform this wrong believe of productivity. To be productive means to strive towards your goal. What are my goals? One is my career, the second is getting a healthy life back.
That means, that I am productive as long as I do something for one of these two goals.
Hence I am productive as long as I focus on doing ONE thing at a time.
That includes studying but also things like mowing my lawn or sitting outside and enjoying the sun and even going out for a hike is productive time since it helps reaching my healthy life.

What it doesn’t include is multitasking things because this prevents me from reaching either of these two main goals. Multitasking gives you the feeling of productivity because you think you can do two things in the same time as you would do one of the things. But this was the huge lie I told myself for the past 5ish years. Multitasking needs more time than single-tasking, it makes you feel bad because at the end of the day you did neither of the two things properly

This is a 180° mind shift and I feel so much better now. I don’t need porn to stay focused and “productive”.

I feel like I am ready to try another push on staying completely abstinent of porn. The last 5 weeks I watched porn every other day (at least). But during the last 5 days I had maybe 3-4 very minor urges but nothing that really made me relapse. Let’s see how far it goes.
At least my brain feels as if I’m close to finishing stage 1 or the reboot.
Counter is on day 5 and it feels as if I can go pretty far this time


#91

If you tell yourself ’ i can reach 200 days’ then you can ‘i can’ is the key Word you tell yourself this Word and its like Magic.


#92

Glad to see you’re doing okay man. I know you’re capable of beating this!


#93

thanks guys!

I’m very determined to go far this time. I feel strong and I know my problems. It’s an amazing strength when you feel an urge and you know exactly why you have it right now and how you can answer it.
With one single sentence or an action I was able to remove all urges i had this week easily.


#94

quick update: just hit day 12, still going strong.
Really happy how it goes so far.
Especially since these two weeks had everything in it which typically made me relapse.
I had days where I was bored as hell, days where i had so many things to do that I didn’t know how i should do it, I started taking tango lessons again which typically made me freak out and so on.

But despite all these things, I had maybe one major urge and only a few occasions where my brain said something like: “c’mon, I didn’t have a porn in so long. Please give me one.” but the voice sounds very frustrated and without energy behind it.

I will write again, probably when I hit 30 days or something like that.
Until then, stay strong guys!!


#95

Little bit earlier than planed but anyways:

Porn-highway:
It seems like I feel the neuronal pathways. Since I think less and less about porn and sex in general (there are days where I don’t think about porn the whole day. Not just pushing the thoughts away but really no thoughts are coming up.) I feel that there are different paths.

In the everyday life, everything feels normal and healthy. I can concentrate and thoughts are coming up decently fast. While learning for university, i can feel that I need to develop or create new pathways. Studying was always coupled to porn since I never learned without fapping (sounds weird but I go really productive at studying while fapping). Now that I don’t use this connection again, I have to learn how I can focus on studies without porn. it is slow and feels very awkward but i will set small goals and strengthen these new paths.

On the opposite side, I feel that the porn path (the highway in my brain) is closed. I don’t use it anymore. Most of my actions are using other paths. I feel this in the moments when a porn-thought slips through and gets onto the highway. The thoughts are damn fast, strong and present everywhere in my brain.

my goal now is to build a new “study highway” and hope that my brain will continue neglecting the “porn highway” until it gets crumbled, damaged and unusable.


#96

Sorry this topic gets more and more non-nofap related. But since it is a diary I can write about everything I want :grin: . I hope that this will help me sorting out one of my main issues.

There are so many things that I would love to do but I just fear doing them and, as always, I run away without having them done (going to tango lessons, playing the piano at the train station where I have to wait 45min every week (there is a public piano), asking my friends if they could help me moving to a new apartment and so on)

The problem is again the bulling when I was younger. They teased and hurt me not because of the things I did but just because they wanted to tease someone, and I was the easiest pray.
The problem now is, that it is wired in my brain, that as soon as something extraordinary happens, I will get hurt. It doesn’t matter if I did something wrong or bad. I fear anything that is different than what is expected to happen. So, if I try to dare to play the piano at the train station my brain immediately tells me that they will all laugh at me, they will beat me or damage me in any other way just because I did something extraordinary.

This sounds so weird and absurd, but this is how it happened every day for so many years when I was younger that this link got extremely strong.

Porn again, is one way of dealing with all these feelings. Either I feel depressed because I don’t dare to do what I love, or I watch porn so that I don’t have to start doing the things. I can tell myself I will fill in the application for the tango lesson but first I will watch a porn. I will do it afterwards. You guess it, I will never do it.


#97

btw relapsed after 20 days but I’m back on day 4.
Goal is still that the three best streaks at the end of the semester combined count for 90 days.


#98

Keep going and never settle for less I really like your diary, tango 2018 here we come


#99

We might be in different countries but our story is pretty similar. I too was bullied and I wasn’t even small, I was already in high school. And all of the bullying was just because I was fat and used to be quiet in the class. It is like there is a dent on my psyche due to all that happened.

But today I thank them for what they did to me, If not for them I would have never worked for my personal growth and development. I thank them for fat shaming me because I am in the best shape of my life. I thank them for calling me names and slandering me because now I have developed speaking skills and I participate in moot courts and debates and I am just a semester away from becoming a lawyer.

But somewhere in my heart I know that something inside me died during that time when all of this used to happen and I had to go through that all alone with no one to reach out to…


#100

Sometimes I just wished that there would have been an easier way to learn all these lessons.
They almost broke me. Almost they would have destroyed a human life but luckily I had the strength to continue. Which now, as you said, gives me the change to accomplish things they aren’t able to do.


#102

Doesn’t look too bad.
I really love this new feature.

Feeling strong and amazing!


#103

may was my first month ever with only 3 relpases.
no binging after relapse and pretty good streaks in between.
feels like this month will be the first without any relapses