Very good bro, changing little by little is far more easier than trying to make a superb streak at once.
I am in 2 challenges here, but what I trying now is beat 4 days, then 5, 7, and 10. Thinking like this is less pressure on our mind.
One thing I think could help too is do not focus too much on not relapse today, focus on living your life.
Try to forget this PMO thing and just do what you had planned, and when the urge starts, do not fight it, just ignore it and do something else, and then some minutes after it will pass.
It is important because worry to much about it leave us stressed and more weak. Focus on positive things.
This is a really important one I always tend to forget.
Also, I have some good news. I finally did it. I wanted to do that for many years and finally I was able to tell my girlfriend about my addiction. I feared that she will leave me but the opposite happened. We can now fight it together.
Sure she was confused because she did know nothing about this problem but she is so supportive now.
It gives me a completely new energy to fight.
It will go better in many ways to you both, more confidence, more love, more friendship, it is a great step!
There are many books and articles (some even posted in this forum) that could help your girlfriend to understand more about how PMO works and then be able to help you better. You can read about it together. Way to become even more a man that she deserves!
Best of luck for you two! And we are on this together!
Day 5 of my second real attempt to push out of this shit.
First push led me to a 52 days streak followed by countless relapses.
Currently I undergo one of the main challenges I have.
Iâm alone in my apartment, I have huge stress because of my exams, Iâm tired and in general feel really bad (everything related to the exams. I think itâs normal. itâs hard to go through an exam session completely relaxed. Especially if it is a really important thing for oneself.)
Because of these circumstances I relapsed almost daily the last 4 weeks. But not anymore.
This weekend, I was back at home in Switzerland and told my girlfriend of my problem. Now Iâm back in Germany (alone) and the urges are almost completely gone. Itâs such a strange feeling. I feel the stress, all the pressure these exams apply and typically I also have a huge urge to fap. But now I just donât have it. Sure, kind of an old habit tells me I should do it but I just donât wanna do it. Like, something deep in my mind tells me that it doesnât wanna do it because itâs of no use.
Also, it doesnât feel like a flatline. It feels somehow healthy and ârightâ
I guess that, as I assumed, telling my girlfriend has a huge impact on my addiction.
Iâm curious how far i can make it this time.
I have hope again, that I finally can live up to my name: neveragain!
Hey man, glad I came across your thread. Your experiences with PMO sound pretty familiar but then again, you clearly have a way with words. Two things I wanted to respond to:
I too recently told my gf (weâre together for almost 2 years) about my porn addiction and she was pretty shocked to say the least. I thought about not telling her but by this point, it has become such a problem in my life that I figured I had to tell someone close to me.
She felt really hurt and insecure initially (âAm I not good enough for you?â) and there was quite some tension for a few weeks between us. Now itâs getting better (3 weeks since I told her, and I see her 3-4 times a week) and weâve had sex yesterday, the first time since I told her.
Moral of the story: Thereâs probably going to be some more tension because of thi between you and your gf and I wouldnât automtically count on her being cool with this. I thought she would be glad I was working on fixing it but she was pretty fucking upset instead (which I can totally understand). Give it time and try to open about your problems to your GF. I think itâs crucial for her to know what your porn addiction is really about and that itâs not that your bored of her in any way (at least, this wasnât in my case)
Edit: A big plus about telling my girlfriend is that it greatly fuels my motivation for NoFap. Wanting to beat an addiction should come from within yourself, but the fact that doing it will improve the relationship and sexlife with my gf is just that little bit extra during hard times.
Jesus, this has gotten long lol. Iâm typing the second thing in a new post so it doesnât get to messy.
The stress youâre describing during exam weeks, combined with the increased intensity/frequency of urges sounds so familiar. I used to be so stressed out for exams that I pushed most of the work to the last night.
I would be up all night: literally till 7am, the time I had to get up to get dressed and leave for my exam. But instead of actually studying, I went on some of the most bizarre porn and youtube binges you could imagine. Iâd probably masturbate 6-8 times during such nights and spend the rest of the night watching YT vids, completely avoiding all of my work. When I got into uni, with the amount of deadlines, amount of exams and the amount of stress increasing, such nights became very apparent.
Porn and youtube were definitely escapes from reality, but you need to treat the deeper problem. Why do you have so much stress? Even before I started doing NoFap, I began fixing this issue and itâs been a lot better this year compared to last year. NoFap is helping me even more, but it wasnât the culprit. I was afraid of not studying well enough, so I avoided it all together. Iâm slowly learning to see past this all-or-nothing mentality.
A bit rambling here and there lol, but just wanted to say some stuff. I like your posts/blog, lots of things seem very familiar (like I said earlier).
I really am grateful when people give out their advice and their experience like you and neveragains, it is so powerful and useful to us all, so thank you. Now a thought accord to me when reading your post which maybe youâve already had but just incase I will tell it to you.
It seems that when women hear that their bf has been addicted to â â â â they think it is something to do with them and their body which I donât think is the case at all. I think they would appreciate it if you told them that the reason you go to â â â â is to escape, whether that be from stress, depression or another deeper unresolved issue. I can only imagine how horrifying it must be for them, it must be like if a woman were to realise she was a lesbian after dating us. Of course weâd know that they are dealing with something that isnât to do with us but that wouldnât stop it from hurting and it doesnât mean it wonât effect our lives.
Thanks for your kind words man. If my wall of text only helps one person a little bit then I´m already happy
As for telling my girlfriend I watch â â â â to escape things, I did exactly just that. But it takes time to really make such a thing clear wuth your actions: itâs easy to just say something like that. Besides, just like you say: even though she now knows that it does not have anything to do with her, it doesnât make it okay all of a sudden.
If one day she told me that sheâs been going through a tough time and often sought relieve in PMO, I wouldnât feel very happy about that either even though I know why she would use â â â â as an escape. I think I would feel inadequate as well.
I finally have time to answer. Thanks a lot for all the comments!
This is the thing I really feared will happen. I think it is very important to make clear where this addiction is coming from. When did it start and what was the reason.
Also showing her that I have a plan. That I work hard on this and that I really wanna quit.
complete agree with that. When I told her, we talked for about 2hrs. Also this weekend I started again to talk with her about it. I felt that there is tension. Not between us but inside her. I guess another huge problems is that she asks herself why I didnât told her earlier and she blames herself for not being able to figure out that I have such a huge problem. Talking really is the key.
For everyone who wants to tell it his girlfriend: Donât just toss it at her and leave her alone with it!
So true. Nothing is harder than having to tell her that I relapsed again. I guess once I have urges again, this will be the thing that keeps me from relapsing.
Also, I think that it is important that she knows that we still can relapse and that we can tell her that.
I know that all too well
It just seems to be a never ending task After my first long streak I realized how many problems there are inside. So, I partially quit this nofap journey (or at least it wasnât my main concern) for some months and focused on the other problems. Itâs just so hard to fix your brain and habits. i really have to learn to relax more. (working efficiently for some hours then relax to be efficient again the next day â having a healthy balance. Currently I have a black or white way of thinking. During the exams I mustnât do anything but learning. Now I have holidays and I mustnât do anything for school. Sure, it does sound really stupid but thatâs how my brain worked for so many years. But Iâm really close to fix this way of thinking).
Itâs also one of my main goals in this forum to raise awareness to the deeper problems, which is sometimes hard since it seems that many are just focused on powering through their urges. I just donât believe that it is possible to quit this addiction only by not fapping for a certain time.
Itâs great to see that there are people around with the same problems and the same experiences. It shows me that I am on the right track.
@Veritas312 thanks a lot. Iâm glad when I can help others to maybe make their journey a little bit shorter or easier
I feel you man, I envy those who can maintain a good work-life balance. Sometimes FOMO getâs the best of me and I start to make all these plans for myself to go out more often, start meeting new people, persuading more hobbies, getting out of my comfort zone more often etc. Then other times I make a 180 turn to the work part and start thinking about my studies, my extracurriculars, skills I need to develop, etc.
Thereâs just no fucking midway and it stresses me out. I donât want to waste my chance at persuading a good career but at the same time I also donât want to look back at my youth and think âJesus, I wasted it and Iâm never going to get it backâ. Worst of this black or white mindset is that I donât even get that much done in either area. Like I said, itâs getting a bit better but even after all those years Iâm still pretty clueless as to how to change this mindset.
I compare myself to others a lot, thatâs why I often feel the need to do X or to do Y (theyâre doing it and their lives seem much better than mine, I should do that too then). You say, for example, that you feel like you force yourself to relax during holidays. Let me know when you think youâve âfixedâ these kind of thought processes (Iâm curious, as you say youâre close to fixing it). At the moment, Iâm not really seeing a way out for myself so I greatly appreciate any insights.
Itâs so interesting. Itâs like a mirror of my self.
I try to keep it short (just ask if you wanna know more)
one part was to like myself and my decisions. I do my best I can do to live a good life and that is all I can do. Regretting something in the past doesnât make sense since you just did what you think was right. I could regret getting into porn but at this point in time it just seemed to be the right way to go.
Also, it doesnât make sense to compare yourself with others. In fact, i believe that everyone here in this forum will be better off in the long term than all this people who have âno problemsâ often they either donât (wanna) see them or they will have 'em later. No one lives a perfect life. We will be prepared for all the things that are to come and we will know how to handle difficult times. This is why I donât fear to make wrong decisions now. Because I just do my best.
Comparing yourself with others is a very mean process because you will never be fair to yourself. Youâre not comparing yourself to ONE person but to many. This guy has better marks then I have. This guy is better at the sport Iâm doing and the other one enjoys his life, so why am I even here if all the people around me do it better than I? You will find a whole bunch of people in every single thing you are doing who are better at it than you are. But you wonât find anyone who is better at everything you do.
If you do wanna compare yourself with someone then also compare your problems with his and his possibilities in the future with yours.
The all or nothing way of thinking is in my case (probably in yours too?) something that I apply to almost every aspect of my life. I think that it is not possible to go from this state directly to a relaxed way where you have this balance automatically. What I instead try to do is to plan my time to relax. Every evening before I go to bed. I write down a list of things I would like to do the next day.
Something like learning this topic for school, reading in my book and going out for a bike ride. The next morning, as one of the first things, I read through this list and get excited about the stuff I could do today. This also helps me a bit to separate work from free time.
What I figured out is one of the problems I have is that I think ânow is my exam preparation time and Iâm not allowed to do anything else. Otherwise I wonât be perfectly preparedâ.
Planing these things into my daily schedule helps me to show myself that I do have time to do other things. In a clear moment of my mind I went through the time I need for every task and this showed me that I have the time to go out. Now I also donât need to have a bad conscience while doing it and I can fully relax.
I guess youâre right in that youâre never fair to yourself when comparing to others. But Iâll have to get used to not doing it or doing it âin the right wayâ. I used to always make a to-do list for myself (itâs one of those things that I slowly stop doing), but I actually never put things on it that I wanted to do for fun. I only put obligatory stuff on it or things I thought I had to do for self-improvement (going to the gym, reading a book about [insert self improvement thing here]). Adding fun stuff to that list is actually a good idea.
Iâll start making those lists every night and see if it works for me. Iâm not sure whether I fully agree about the part of âdoing the best you canâ (for me, I mean). Somehow I always feel like I can do more⌠But Iâll also keep an eye out for thoughts/feelings regarding this. Sometimes I get an insight and I can see something very clear all of a sudden.
Thanks for your post man, itâs always great to hear how other people in similar situations handle their problems!
After the easiest 20 day streak I ever had Iâm back on the ground.
I felt so good but during a meeting with my therapist we tore open all the feelings I locked a way. All the bad memorize all the things I spend years of my life trying to forget. The exact same things why Iâm here on this damn journey.
Iâm crying because all these things hurt so much. There are good reasons why I locked them away behind huge walls.
But it is the only way how I will ever get clean. Locking them away means that I need porn. I have to come clean with my past and accept what happened.
Hey man, sucks to hear youâve had a tough break. I agree though with handling your feelings head-on instead of putting them away.
Remember what you told me earlier: youâre making the decisions you feel were best, and youâve been doing it back then as well. Sometimes we think of the easy way out (PMO) as the best decision possible because the alternatives are too painful. But I can guarantee you that you are wiser now and that you have the strength and courage to face your demons, one single step at a time.
just found out something really crucial.
I fear to be lonely. Thatâs when I get these damn urges. As soon as I am alone these urges hit me.
I am a really social person (at least my brain is) but during my childhood I never had friends. Thatâs when it started. I just realized that my brain tries everything to keep the chance away that I am alone.
This realization makes me hope that I loose the last tiny bit of urges I have!
I guess I will change how I use this forum.
It should be something that strengthens yourself and makes the journey easier.
But I found myself arguing about the same shit over and over again. With that, I hoped to bring people to a moderate path which I think makes this whole thing easier. But I guess I just have to accept that this doesnât lead anywhere and that people with extreme opinions will keep them until they will painfully realize that they chased a dream which comes true for only a very small minority. (Sure, I could have that unhealthy opinion of yourself that you will be the one who will reach that)
So, I will step back a bit and only post for myself in the hope that people here are still reading ânormalâ posts where it is only about getting control over an amazing life instead of going insane on god-mode which will always depress you because you will never reach what you wanna be. I did the same mistake when I was younger that I thought âOmg look at this guy, he is so amazing at something. I wanna be like him tooâ.
But you will never see the person as a whole. People here are referring to people like gandhi, Tesla or similar people who have one trait which is unique but they donât see their life as a whole. To be honest, if I could choose who I wanna be, Gandhi, Tesla, Einstein⌠I would still choose myself. I donât wanna spend my whole life chasing one single dream like you have to do if you are a person like these. Thatâs what many people donât see. You donât get a person like that just by being better then others, by eating healthier or quitting sex. You have to DEVOTE your life to ONE thing. 24/7 each week, each year. And thatâs just not what I wanna do.
That doesnât mean that I will be mediocre because I can still focus on certain areas and be better than the average.
This leads to a happier life, which is more rewarding, more satisfying and will help a lot more people then chasing a weird dream.
5 months ago I started this nofap journey and I came quite far even though Iâm back on day 1
Tomorrow the new semester at university starts and with it, Iâm back in Germany, the place where I relapse the most
I wanât this semester to be a really good one. Just a quick summery of what I reached and what my plan for the next months is.
reached:
Sometimes I start to feel my old self again (how I was before my addiction) Iâm curious, wanna do new stuff and I enjoy nature again. The moments where I think "why should I watch a â â â â if I could go out for a hike??
my relation with my dad got better again. (my interest in what he reached in his life, has grown a lot
Less moody, more often happy then I was half a year ago
After working with a psychologist for about 3 years Iâm finally close to a normal life without severe mental issues. The root is pulled out. Just need to cement these mindsets
figured out a possible morning routine which works pretty well for me
goal for this semester:
Working on my self discipline (if someone knows a good video feel free to share). This should help me to keep me on track, no watching â â â â and get stuff done instead of procrastinating.
No multitasking. If Iâm learning I do nothing else. No youtube, no twitch, no â â â â . just focus on one thing at the time
healthy free time besides university. Donât study all night long inefficiently. (being more efficient while working and then also take the rest of the day and spend it on my hobbies)
Establish the mentioned morning routine, as well as a evening routine.
(morning routine: getting up, drinking a glass of water, make my bed, open the shutter and taking a look at my whiteboard (on this I wrote a lot of stuff down: What kind of person am I with â â â â vs what am I without â â â â . What is my true personality, my main goals and some motivating quotes)
when coming home routine: still have to figure it out but something like watching a video of âelevated recoveryâ, looking at my whiteboard again, maybe meditation.)
night routine: close laptop and smartphone at 11pm, stretching, reading for 15min (ish), recall the day and compliment myself for all the things I did well. Write down small goals for the next day))
Longer streaks (Something like a 40 day average), no binging after a relapse
Using this forum only once a day (most of the topics are not motivating me to take action but exactly the opposite. They focus on NOT fapping, NOT acting on your urges, which things should I NOT do because they are bad for me. All this negativity and telling my what i mustnât do is not how my brain works. I need someone who helps me to see were I wanna be and I will figure out a way to achieve that, This motivating voice is elevated recovery)
.
After my first long streak I realized how many problems there are inside. So, I partially quit this nofap journey (or at least it wasnât my main concern) for some months and focused on the other problems. Itâs just so hard to fix your brain and habits. i really have to learn to relax more. (working efficiently for some hours then relax to be efficient again the next day â having a healthy balance. Currently I have a black or white way of thinking. During the exams I mustnât do anything but learning. Now I have holidays and I mustnât do anything for school. Sure, it does sound really stupid but thatâs how my brain worked for so many years. But Iâm really close to fix this way of thinking).
I just donât believe that it is possible to quit this addiction only by not fapping for a certain time.