Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)


#63

Yesterday, the topic about why we are using the counter made me think.
It is right that I feel the same. Each time my counter is at 0 I relapse multiple times since I can’t motivate myself to go back to my highest streak (of about 45ish days)

I will try out something new:

  • I will change my code so that no one follows me because I’m more honest to myself than to my companions. Like this I can reset the timer whenever I want without having to state why I did it.
  • I change how I count my timer. Instead of just counting my longest streak I will measure my “last-5-relapse-average”.

Every now and again I will post my new 5 relapse average here in my forum as accountability.
I hope from this, that I will stay motivated after one relapse. Because it is true that one relapse doesn’t destroy all your progress. On the other hand, the time between the last 5 relapses could very well be kind of a progress measure. Let’s see how it helps

Also I will start a list where I write down how often per day I touch my dick.
Very often I just briefly touch it. Sure it is not bad but sometimes it does lead to a relapse. It’s not worth resetting my timer because of it but I would like to do it less often


#64

Very good bro, changing little by little is far more easier than trying to make a superb streak at once.

I am in 2 challenges here, but what I trying now is beat 4 days, then 5, 7, and 10. Thinking like this is less pressure on our mind.

One thing I think could help too is do not focus too much on not relapse today, focus on living your life.

Try to forget this PMO thing and just do what you had planned, and when the urge starts, do not fight it, just ignore it and do something else, and then some minutes after it will pass.

It is important because worry to much about it leave us stressed and more weak. Focus on positive things.


#65

Thanks a lot

This is a really important one I always tend to forget.

Also, I have some good news. I finally did it. I wanted to do that for many years and finally I was able to tell my girlfriend about my addiction. I feared that she will leave me but the opposite happened. We can now fight it together.
Sure she was confused because she did know nothing about this problem but she is so supportive now.
It gives me a completely new energy to fight.


#66

Glad you did it! :grinning::clap::clap:

It will go better in many ways to you both, more confidence, more love, more friendship, it is a great step!
There are many books and articles (some even posted in this forum) that could help your girlfriend to understand more about how PMO works and then be able to help you better. You can read about it together. Way to become even more a man that she deserves!

Best of luck for you two! And we are on this together! :grin::+1:


#67

Day 5 of my second real attempt to push out of this shit.
First push led me to a 52 days streak followed by countless relapses.

Currently I undergo one of the main challenges I have.
I’m alone in my apartment, I have huge stress because of my exams, I’m tired and in general feel really bad (everything related to the exams. I think it’s normal. it’s hard to go through an exam session completely relaxed. Especially if it is a really important thing for oneself.)

Because of these circumstances I relapsed almost daily the last 4 weeks. But not anymore.
This weekend, I was back at home in Switzerland and told my girlfriend of my problem. Now I’m back in Germany (alone) and the urges are almost completely gone. It’s such a strange feeling. I feel the stress, all the pressure these exams apply and typically I also have a huge urge to fap. But now I just don’t have it. Sure, kind of an old habit tells me I should do it but I just don’t wanna do it. Like, something deep in my mind tells me that it doesn’t wanna do it because it’s of no use.
Also, it doesn’t feel like a flatline. It feels somehow healthy and “right”

I guess that, as I assumed, telling my girlfriend has a huge impact on my addiction.
I’m curious how far i can make it this time.
I have hope again, that I finally can live up to my name: neveragain!


#68

I think I am passing by a similar stage of yours too, not feeling much the urges too.

What we must avoid is those times when our mind will try to trick us to make something we really do not want to do.

Keep going bro! That is the spirit!


#69

Hey man, glad I came across your thread. Your experiences with PMO sound pretty familiar but then again, you clearly have a way with words. Two things I wanted to respond to:

  1. I too recently told my gf (we’re together for almost 2 years) about my porn addiction and she was pretty shocked to say the least. I thought about not telling her but by this point, it has become such a problem in my life that I figured I had to tell someone close to me.

She felt really hurt and insecure initially (“Am I not good enough for you?”) and there was quite some tension for a few weeks between us. Now it’s getting better (3 weeks since I told her, and I see her 3-4 times a week) and we’ve had sex yesterday, the first time since I told her.

Moral of the story: There’s probably going to be some more tension because of thi between you and your gf and I wouldn’t automtically count on her being cool with this. I thought she would be glad I was working on fixing it but she was pretty fucking upset instead (which I can totally understand). Give it time and try to open about your problems to your GF. I think it’s crucial for her to know what your porn addiction is really about and that it’s not that your bored of her in any way (at least, this wasn’t in my case)

Edit: A big plus about telling my girlfriend is that it greatly fuels my motivation for NoFap. Wanting to beat an addiction should come from within yourself, but the fact that doing it will improve the relationship and sexlife with my gf is just that little bit extra during hard times.


#70

Jesus, this has gotten long lol. I’m typing the second thing in a new post so it doesn’t get to messy.

  1. The stress you’re describing during exam weeks, combined with the increased intensity/frequency of urges sounds so familiar. I used to be so stressed out for exams that I pushed most of the work to the last night.

I would be up all night: literally till 7am, the time I had to get up to get dressed and leave for my exam. But instead of actually studying, I went on some of the most bizarre porn and youtube binges you could imagine. I’d probably masturbate 6-8 times during such nights and spend the rest of the night watching YT vids, completely avoiding all of my work. When I got into uni, with the amount of deadlines, amount of exams and the amount of stress increasing, such nights became very apparent.

Porn and youtube were definitely escapes from reality, but you need to treat the deeper problem. Why do you have so much stress? Even before I started doing NoFap, I began fixing this issue and it’s been a lot better this year compared to last year. NoFap is helping me even more, but it wasn’t the culprit. I was afraid of not studying well enough, so I avoided it all together. I’m slowly learning to see past this all-or-nothing mentality.

A bit rambling here and there lol, but just wanted to say some stuff. I like your posts/blog, lots of things seem very familiar (like I said earlier).

All the best man


#71

I really am grateful when people give out their advice and their experience like you and neveragains, it is so powerful and useful to us all, so thank you. Now a thought accord to me when reading your post which maybe you’ve already had but just incase I will tell it to you.

It seems that when women hear that their bf has been addicted to porn they think it is something to do with them and their body which I don’t think is the case at all. I think they would appreciate it if you told them that the reason you go to porn is to escape, whether that be from stress, depression or another deeper unresolved issue. I can only imagine how horrifying it must be for them, it must be like if a woman were to realise she was a lesbian after dating us. Of course we’d know that they are dealing with something that isn’t to do with us but that wouldn’t stop it from hurting and it doesn’t mean it won’t effect our lives.

Good luck @Chr1s and @neveragaintw your on the right path :slightly_smiling_face:.


#72

Thanks for your kind words man. If my wall of text only helps one person a little bit then I´m already happy :wink:

As for telling my girlfriend I watch porn to escape things, I did exactly just that. But it takes time to really make such a thing clear wuth your actions: it’s easy to just say something like that. Besides, just like you say: even though she now knows that it does not have anything to do with her, it doesn’t make it okay all of a sudden.

If one day she told me that she’s been going through a tough time and often sought relieve in PMO, I wouldn’t feel very happy about that either even though I know why she would use porn as an escape. I think I would feel inadequate as well.


#73

I finally have time to answer. Thanks a lot for all the comments!

This is the thing I really feared will happen. I think it is very important to make clear where this addiction is coming from. When did it start and what was the reason.
Also showing her that I have a plan. That I work hard on this and that I really wanna quit.

complete agree with that. When I told her, we talked for about 2hrs. Also this weekend I started again to talk with her about it. I felt that there is tension. Not between us but inside her. I guess another huge problems is that she asks herself why I didn’t told her earlier and she blames herself for not being able to figure out that I have such a huge problem. Talking really is the key.

For everyone who wants to tell it his girlfriend: Don’t just toss it at her and leave her alone with it!

So true. Nothing is harder than having to tell her that I relapsed again. I guess once I have urges again, this will be the thing that keeps me from relapsing.
Also, I think that it is important that she knows that we still can relapse and that we can tell her that.

I know that all too well :see_no_evil:

It just seems to be a never ending task :sleepy: After my first long streak I realized how many problems there are inside. So, I partially quit this nofap journey (or at least it wasn’t my main concern) for some months and focused on the other problems. It’s just so hard to fix your brain and habits. i really have to learn to relax more. (working efficiently for some hours then relax to be efficient again the next day -> having a healthy balance. Currently I have a black or white way of thinking. During the exams I mustn’t do anything but learning. Now I have holidays and I mustn’t do anything for school. Sure, it does sound really stupid but that’s how my brain worked for so many years. But I’m really close to fix this way of thinking).

It’s also one of my main goals in this forum to raise awareness to the deeper problems, which is sometimes hard since it seems that many are just focused on powering through their urges. :smile: I just don’t believe that it is possible to quit this addiction only by not fapping for a certain time.

It’s great to see that there are people around with the same problems and the same experiences. It shows me that I am on the right track.

@Veritas312 thanks a lot. I’m glad when I can help others to maybe make their journey a little bit shorter or easier


#74

I feel you man, I envy those who can maintain a good work-life balance. Sometimes FOMO get’s the best of me and I start to make all these plans for myself to go out more often, start meeting new people, persuading more hobbies, getting out of my comfort zone more often etc. Then other times I make a 180 turn to the work part and start thinking about my studies, my extracurriculars, skills I need to develop, etc.

There’s just no fucking midway and it stresses me out. I don’t want to waste my chance at persuading a good career but at the same time I also don’t want to look back at my youth and think “Jesus, I wasted it and I’m never going to get it back”. Worst of this black or white mindset is that I don’t even get that much done in either area. Like I said, it’s getting a bit better but even after all those years I’m still pretty clueless as to how to change this mindset.

I compare myself to others a lot, that’s why I often feel the need to do X or to do Y (they’re doing it and their lives seem much better than mine, I should do that too then). You say, for example, that you feel like you force yourself to relax during holidays. Let me know when you think you’ve “fixed” these kind of thought processes (I’m curious, as you say you’re close to fixing it). At the moment, I’m not really seeing a way out for myself so I greatly appreciate any insights.


#75

It’s so interesting. It’s like a mirror of my self.

I try to keep it short (just ask if you wanna know more)
one part was to like myself and my decisions. I do my best I can do to live a good life and that is all I can do. Regretting something in the past doesn’t make sense since you just did what you think was right. I could regret getting into porn but at this point in time it just seemed to be the right way to go.

Also, it doesn’t make sense to compare yourself with others. In fact, i believe that everyone here in this forum will be better off in the long term than all this people who have “no problems” often they either don’t (wanna) see them or they will have 'em later. No one lives a perfect life. We will be prepared for all the things that are to come and we will know how to handle difficult times. This is why I don’t fear to make wrong decisions now. Because I just do my best.

Comparing yourself with others is a very mean process because you will never be fair to yourself. You’re not comparing yourself to ONE person but to many. This guy has better marks then I have. This guy is better at the sport I’m doing and the other one enjoys his life, so why am I even here if all the people around me do it better than I? You will find a whole bunch of people in every single thing you are doing who are better at it than you are. But you won’t find anyone who is better at everything you do.
If you do wanna compare yourself with someone then also compare your problems with his and his possibilities in the future with yours.

The all or nothing way of thinking is in my case (probably in yours too?) something that I apply to almost every aspect of my life. I think that it is not possible to go from this state directly to a relaxed way where you have this balance automatically. What I instead try to do is to plan my time to relax. Every evening before I go to bed. I write down a list of things I would like to do the next day.
Something like learning this topic for school, reading in my book and going out for a bike ride. The next morning, as one of the first things, I read through this list and get excited about the stuff I could do today. This also helps me a bit to separate work from free time.
What I figured out is one of the problems I have is that I think “now is my exam preparation time and I’m not allowed to do anything else. Otherwise I won’t be perfectly prepared”.
Planing these things into my daily schedule helps me to show myself that I do have time to do other things. In a clear moment of my mind I went through the time I need for every task and this showed me that I have the time to go out. Now I also don’t need to have a bad conscience while doing it and I can fully relax.

I hope this helps you a bit


#76

I guess you’re right in that you’re never fair to yourself when comparing to others. But I’ll have to get used to not doing it or doing it “in the right way”. I used to always make a to-do list for myself (it’s one of those things that I slowly stop doing), but I actually never put things on it that I wanted to do for fun. I only put obligatory stuff on it or things I thought I had to do for self-improvement (going to the gym, reading a book about [insert self improvement thing here]). Adding fun stuff to that list is actually a good idea.

I’ll start making those lists every night and see if it works for me. I’m not sure whether I fully agree about the part of “doing the best you can” (for me, I mean). Somehow I always feel like I can do more… But I’ll also keep an eye out for thoughts/feelings regarding this. Sometimes I get an insight and I can see something very clear all of a sudden.

Thanks for your post man, it’s always great to hear how other people in similar situations handle their problems!


#77

After the easiest 20 day streak I ever had I’m back on the ground.
I felt so good but during a meeting with my therapist we tore open all the feelings I locked a way. All the bad memorize all the things I spend years of my life trying to forget. The exact same things why I’m here on this damn journey.

I’m crying because all these things hurt so much. There are good reasons why I locked them away behind huge walls.
But it is the only way how I will ever get clean. Locking them away means that I need porn. I have to come clean with my past and accept what happened.


#78

Hey man, sucks to hear you’ve had a tough break. I agree though with handling your feelings head-on instead of putting them away.

Remember what you told me earlier: you’re making the decisions you feel were best, and you’ve been doing it back then as well. Sometimes we think of the easy way out (PMO) as the best decision possible because the alternatives are too painful. But I can guarantee you that you are wiser now and that you have the strength and courage to face your demons, one single step at a time.

Take it easy for now man


#79

Thanks a lot man.
It really helps to have people like you around!


#80

just found out something really crucial.
I fear to be lonely. That’s when I get these damn urges. As soon as I am alone these urges hit me.
I am a really social person (at least my brain is) but during my childhood I never had friends. That’s when it started. I just realized that my brain tries everything to keep the chance away that I am alone.

This realization makes me hope that I loose the last tiny bit of urges I have!


#81

I guess I will change how I use this forum.
It should be something that strengthens yourself and makes the journey easier.
But I found myself arguing about the same shit over and over again. With that, I hoped to bring people to a moderate path which I think makes this whole thing easier. But I guess I just have to accept that this doesn’t lead anywhere and that people with extreme opinions will keep them until they will painfully realize that they chased a dream which comes true for only a very small minority. (Sure, I could have that unhealthy opinion of yourself that you will be the one who will reach that)

So, I will step back a bit and only post for myself in the hope that people here are still reading “normal” posts where it is only about getting control over an amazing life instead of going insane on god-mode which will always depress you because you will never reach what you wanna be. I did the same mistake when I was younger that I thought “Omg look at this guy, he is so amazing at something. I wanna be like him too”.
But you will never see the person as a whole. People here are referring to people like gandhi, Tesla or similar people who have one trait which is unique but they don’t see their life as a whole. To be honest, if I could choose who I wanna be, Gandhi, Tesla, Einstein… I would still choose myself. I don’t wanna spend my whole life chasing one single dream like you have to do if you are a person like these. That’s what many people don’t see. You don’t get a person like that just by being better then others, by eating healthier or quitting sex. You have to DEVOTE your life to ONE thing. 24/7 each week, each year. And that’s just not what I wanna do.
That doesn’t mean that I will be mediocre because I can still focus on certain areas and be better than the average.
This leads to a happier life, which is more rewarding, more satisfying and will help a lot more people then chasing a weird dream.


#82

Just stumbled upon this amazing quote:

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new - Socrates