29 April, 2023
I have just entered the new day and I am not very positive with my lifestyle. I am delaying works, letting down people who believe in me. I do get some bursts of energy, but they are not consistent. I am failing my plans on a daily basis and it is not a very charming feeling to have. Maybe, it is my negative outlook or something, maybe I have always been a person who works in bursts with long periods of inactivity, or maybe, this time the problem is a little deeper.
However, what I am unable to figure out is that when I used to be low on energy, I was way more productive. Now when I have energy, I am much better, physically, mentally, emotionally and socially, what is then hindering me? What is this mysterious hold on my ability to work? Why is this procrastination so damn intense? Also, I am no longer using the bed for work. I sit at the table literally all day, and then end up doing absolutely nothing.
I need to ask myself tough questions. But can it be my spiritual weakness which is slowing me down. One thing that has pushed me more than anything has been religion. My family has always been a religious one. My father offers his prayers in a very punctual manner. My mother is stronger in her belief, although less punctual. I have myself made huge sacrifices in the way of religion. However, few years back, something smeared my soul. The touch of a female body, and a beautiful one. I do not mean an intense physical relationship or anything here. I literally mean a long experience of knowing someone, someone whom I should not have known, and then being allowed just close enough to hold hands in a crowded space and then being pushed away, all because of quite a racist reason.
The end result was that being so close, imagining the building up of an unlawful relationship, I had almost staked my spiritual purity. And when I lost the person, neither worldly happiness nor spiritual power was left in my lot. Of course, the touch of a real female made me realise the reality of the pixel world, that it was a dry, unhappy and unfulfilling pit of gloom. It made my NoFap streaks longer, but pushed me away from spirituality. I had always asked Allah to guide me away from this addiction. Now when I am strong, powerful and away from the addiction, I believe that I have achieved this power all through a wrong window. I do not feel that intensity in my prayers. The words of prayers escape my lips like statements hollow of any emotions. I do not burn in the desire to pray. I don’t feel humbled before my Lord. Even when things go wrong, I am unable to take them to my Lord and cry. I have tried asking Lord himself to help me out but it feels as if that spiritual cord has been severed.
I don’t know how I have become so unproductive. I do need to get up. I vow that today onwards, I won’t eat until I have done 2 hours of labour before my every meal. I will not eat until I have said my prayers. I will starve myself to death but will not go easy on myself. I always wanted to be the best. Now, is my time to be the Best and I must grab it with my teeth.
