My skin has regained some glow and I feel that now my body is more powerful. Perhaps, since it is Ramadan and the diet is not very fulfilling, my body is still far from its best but yes, it has given me a lot of confidence, strength and power to not only manage a lot of things but also to enjoy my life to a greater degree. I began watching a cartoon series that I had long held back in stock, perhaps some of the forum members might know about - Bakugan Battle Brawlers. I am enjoying it dearly, cherishing every episode and it is even more fun to view it these days than it was in my childhood. My family life, personal life are all under control and I feel great all the time. Any negativity stays away and positivity seems natural and comes without struggle.
There is a possibility indeed, that life might not be that good as I perceive it is. In spite of this, the feel that I am free and away from the darkest trait of my life, it is enough to make me feel all pumped up to face every new day of life. As soon as I pass day 60, I will begin focusing more on my other weaknesses. I have begun focusing on myself a bit more but after the 60th day I will completely begin a new life. A workaholic kind of schedule which has gym, reading, and social media detox included in it. Post day 60, it will be a new me. The 60th day will also mark the end of Ramadan and I will begin a really proper protein diet plan.
By day 100, I plan to gain some 5 kgs, gain the ability to perform non stop 30 pushups, read some 4000 pages, get my IIT interviews done, begin learning Persian and write the play that I have long planned to pen down.
I cannot wait to see myself accomplish all this. I will definitely be a force to reckon with, once I get down to the grind and it is not long now before I reveal Nerbo 2.0 to the world.
âWhat we cannot speak about, we must pass over in silence.â - Ludwig Wittgenstein, from Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus
The day was epic fun and I feel that had I not been in the process of writing a diary, I would have missed the registration of this day as a memory. During aftaar, one of my most shrewd juniors launched a debate on Pedophilia with regards to the age at which Pedophilia initiates and ends. The debate went into feminism, the idea of equality, consent, freedom and religion. My juniors even got mad at him and the discussion went wild. What might have looked on the face of it a public trial of my shrewd junior was actually an intended provocation on the part of that junior. He wanted them to get furious and mad. But I have damn good juniors, at the end they revealed that even their madness was not real rather a fake exaggerated response to his provocations. At the end, the whole debate was actually just a performance with no real underlying all that hurly-burly.
You donât get such entertainments daily, do you?
So I deeply enjoyed that discussion. Also, I must not lie, they did come up with some really nice arguments. It does suit them because all of them are law students and have to make a career out of arguments.
Then I rode Avenger today and had real fun riding it. Then, as we returned from our Sahri, we discussed a novel and then came Wittgenstein. Discussion over Wittgenstein took so long that it was 7 am when we finally wrapped up our discussion. My juniors now value me as if I am some great intellectual who knows a lot about everything, although it is not even 1% true. In many issues, I would plead ignorance and only in a very limited domain I can exercise what I have read. However, my confidence and the way I deliver things seems to be the true influencer in this case.
I am now writing my SOP for IIT Madras and I am hoping that they call me up for an Interview.
Also, I am having a cherished life. And almost everyday guide someone to stay away from PMO. I am trying to make this knowledge more and more public amidst my juniors and I encourage them to discuss amongst themselves and try to help each other out of this.
I also realise that the length of my diary entries is usually very long and hard to read. If anyone has a problem with such long entries please let me know. I will be happy to make it more readable.
A new day dawned upon the horizon and it brought with it a lot of work. So, half of my day was consumed by IIT proposal and then later much of the night was just regular occupations like talking to a few people over phone and all. I did create some poetry yesterday and it made me feel quite good. I had an argument with my roommate but now I feel like I have handled the situation. Rest, today I have a lot of meetings to do. Hope they turn out to be productive.
I couldnât find time to update my diary past few days. No doubt, there has been no relapse or anything like that. My body, like a nation which has newly found independence, is trying to fill its scars, amend its losses which the colonization by P has marred it with. My mind is trying to frame a new constitution for this newly independent state, and now after the passage of 50+ days, my life requires solid goal and progress, now to take over the agents of colonization and tell them who is the boss here.
Quite a poetic speech, eh.
Well I do feel overwhelmed by a strange energy. Energy, which is usually shown in movies or cartoons, a strange sensation of excessive energy flowing under skin all the time. This energy as I can see calls for more work and an active lifestyle. Most important of all, it requires a direction. This energy sort of appears as if it is saying to me (with a touch of anger in fact) that it wants me to get down on the grind and show the world what I am really made up of. As if there is an urge to work. My whole body is crying for it. It is tempting to lay hands over something and do it to perfection.
I need to definitely get going otherwise I am heading for an internal explosion of energy. I guess my rewiring phase is finished and now it is time that I get productive, having flung my flag of victory over my addiction.
I have forgotten the shittiness of a relapse. I believe I must go back to the book EasyPeasy for a second reading. Even though I know the concepts by heart but I believe a revision of that structure of ideas is absolutely necessary. Unless you hate PMO, you cannot retain your freedom. You need to revise that shitty feeling every now and then, you need to review your journal entries you made when you relapsed and you need to remember why absolutely you thought of getting free.
Didnât get my JRF this time even after having my best score until now. The cut-off went insane coz they made super simple paper 1 and 2 this time round. Also missed IIT Kanpurâs application form by an hour or so.
But will keep trying. I have personally swore to get JRF this time that too from Unreserved category only. It might be Little tough but I will do it. I wonât fall back on EWS. I will have it the hard way. Will leave the app after Ramadan as I believe I have healed already. I donât think I need to stay back here and risk myself by reading of failure stories or some random stuff which might be just exciting enough, unintentionally.
JUNE ATTEMPT is my last attempt on it. Thatâs it.
I came to know one of my classmate, who was not half as laborious and honest to NET as I was, got through JRF this time around. And it was also his first attempt. I know I shouldnât compare and shit but since last night I have been handling a heartache. Had I been my previous self, I would have drained myself with PMO but I know that is not even a part of me anymore. I in fact feel more angry towards it because I legit wasted a lot of time on it. I want to scream and cry and all. But I am unable to do even that. I am dissolving within myself. It is so damn draining. Wish I can immediately go to sleep and donât have to stay awake in this state.
Things arenât good. I guess it is this pressure release that I was unable to handle. As soon as Ramzan entered its final days, I began to falter. Needless to say, there were some triggers that I had not cleaned up entirely which led to my downfall. And again, PEEKING IS DEADLY. Moreover, I had almost gained my control back when one of my female classmates really uploaded some triggering content on her WhatsApp status, also with my own distant friend in an online chat , I almost ended up relapsing. So things were shaky and also my own series of failures in various examinations led me down that lane faster. Although Ramzan went clean Alhamdulillah but the pressure release was intense. And I immediately felt how different life I had entered. Almost instantly my knees began to shake, my teeth, my body, my mind, my heart everything took its impact. And I could barely move without shaking. It felt as if some vital force left my body. Anyway, I will go back to the book. Re-read it and then re-enter the life again. I am still not seeing this momentary episode as a complete going back. I am still positive that this was just an unfortunate slip and a few things have to be done to prevent any further threats to my freedom. I am well placed and I am still stronger than my addiction. I know for a few days negative thoughts, doubts, anxieties, irritations will keep doing rounds in my mind. I will have less energy, self-doubt, an almost suicidal state of mind but all this will not last for more than 5 days. After 5 days I will have my freedom back. As good as ever.
As day 1 passed away, I have regained my consciousness. I have begun to believe in myself again. Also, got shortlisted for IIT Jodhpurâs PhD interviews.
Feeling super sad. Feeling a whole lot troubled in my heart. Unable to comprehend life and unable to work at all. Unable to do shit at all. Like my whole body has been chained. I wonât do PMO of course, that is madness even to think of. But my actual life is going down. I am going down.
Bro, the difficulties that you are going through right now are temporary. They have not come to stay, they have come to pass. And they will leave a stronger, more determined, battle-hardened version of you.
Feel the sadness. Lean into your emotions. Allow yourself to experience them. Then remember everything that is still good in your life. This is not the end of the road for you.
You have what it takes to succeed. You are capable. You can bear the pain. Keep going.
