Nep's diary (in pursuit of being unbreakable)

I will not go down this easily.
I still have a lot of life left within me.
I’m not a survivor anymore, I’m a fighter.
These conditions have been harsh but I’m even harsher. The only way In stopping is when I’m dead.
Everything looks like it is falling apart. But I will not give up. Frustration and tears is alright. Pain is alright. I just have to move myself through this. Somehow just hold on to the thoughts. No one can help me. Only I can pull myself out of this gutter. Only I can. And I will pull myself out.

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Addiction to pleasures can be detrimental, whereas addiction to success can make you an overachiever.
I just have to replace one addiction with another

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Don’t feel like living this life sometimes.
Don’t know how will I manage.
But I got to hold on. Somehow.
Let’s forget about everyone else and be totally selfish for the goals you want to achieve. It is a crucial time for you now. You are your only priority.

A thought sometimes comes to my mind. For what I want to achieve I’ll have to give up my other desires. And in particular the desire of a mate and the love associated. Guess I’ll have to die like this. I’m ready to die like that nevertheless. It will be alright from my side if God doesn’t give me that. But one thing I surely want is high mental endurance. No compromise for that. I just want it no matter what happens.

Exercise is the best antidepressant out there

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Truth is spoken .
I recommend you to chant holy names also .
Try chanting 108 times only at first

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I’ve felt that divine bliss by chanting.
But later I became corrupt and lost everything.
However that turned me from a hardcore atheist to a believer.

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That spark comes and goes.
It hurts when it goes away. Like it wants me to chase behind. Like it is taunting me.
I really don’t know what to do man. One time I’m happy because this spark shows up several times. Before I was all lazy, lost of motivation, only the intelligence was there to tell me that I got to keep moving. Now that spark comes up. But when it goes away I curse myself. It becomes more depressing.

Bro accept this as challenge. To find that spark.
One last thing I want to tell" don’t seek every answer through intelligence, there are other ways also. Intelligence is like a sharp knife which cuts open everything but if you cut open everything you will lose everything." - from Sadhguru.

All the best bro. We are on same boat. Let’s keep pushing

Wowww. That’s a huge statement. Congrats on that.

How do you do it then?
What are the other ways?

I don’t understand . Please elaborate…

You said don’t use your intelligence
What are the other ways then? To move towards my goal

Yes . I understand you. I think your goals are regarding studies and career . If your goals are studying then only intelligence is not very effective. You must be determined and selfless. Leave everything else on god(if you believe) and make him incharge of those things you just make yourself fully dedicated like Arjun .

Sorry if I didn’t understood you correctly . You can dm me if you wanted other answers.:+1:

Day 180
By this I guess I’m completing 6 months of nofap
Had a wet dream. I’m not happy. Even after removing all the sexual thoughts and heavy exercise I still had it.
I’m not happy because I’m yet to defeat the greatest fear of my life so far. I’m not happy because I’m reminiscing over my past and that’s hitting me hard sometimes. Quarrels with close ones. I want to be stronger. I’ve made mistakes. They keep haunting me. I don’t like it. I get trapped in emotional wreck. I don’t like it either. I feel desperate at times, yet unable to move beyond my comfort zone. These small improvements are not enough. None of this is enough. Barely holding onto myself all the times. I can’t be a better person. I’m tired. But I can’t stop.
I don’t wish for a magic to happen in my life anymore. My self respect has gotten stronger in regards to I don’t even wish to fantasize a miracle happening in my life out of nowhere and pull me out. I really want to be the one who wants to pull me out of this mess. I want to be the magic now. Thank you Goggins for that. But still none of this is enough. I’m still afraid. Still weak. Still not strong enough. Still distracted heavily. I wonder when this restlessness will stop. I wonder when I will be able to stand stronger than my anxiety. Pulling out of a depression is definitely not easy. I get the sparks sometimes that tell me let’s do this. But I get back to my depressed self quickly again. That anxiety catches upto me again. Still can’t focus at studies. I really hate myself. But what to do? I just have myself at this point. I still have to hold myself there, even if on the edge. Tears flew down as I was writing this post and they’re dried out now. Maybe I’m healing, in minuscule amounts everytime I’m pushing. But I really want to do better. I’m just not happy with my performance. I will have to be persistent for prolonged time if my rate is slow. But I’m too afraid.
I’ve made a decision now. I will persist. I now understand how that stream of water works along the rocks for millenia. Stretching myself out now.
Goggins told that we got to do things that suck. And it appears to me that persistence sucks. At least for me. I hate to be persistent. I hate it when I have to keep patient even if there are no results. But I will do exactly that now.
Starting it now again. I will persist. My body has started to retaliate now due to the thought itself and I’m full of anxiety again. But as of now I don’t even have a choice. On your feet soldier, this fight is going to be a long one.

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On your feet. I’m serious now. No one is giving up just yet. Get up and get back to work. Fuck comfort and fuck the past. I don’t care how much it has to hurt, you are going to do it.

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I did better, was ready for better. But I failed yet again.