Thanks man. No I can’t be the same man from previous streak, is a bloody fact, but I don’t even want to be, after 40 days I let my guard down a bit, not against porn, but against over thinking. Instead moving forward I start to travel in my past, huge mistake, because depression installed again from those incursions in past. Then I get laid off of my job, finding myself again isolated in my room.
After loosing my job everything collapsed, and all that because I couldn’t meet the new guy, the guy 59 days PMO cleaned , the guy with a smile on his face, I travelled back in past to meet the old guy, the sad, pathetic guy who feels sorry for himself and when I met him I relapsed.
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Great. Whats day are you in now
10 days clean my friend.
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True
A wounded creature is much more dangerous than a dead one
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Here after almost 3 months. Currently at 0 days after a Instagram relapse last night. Through this period I relapsed after every 6 or 7 days continuously.
This time I want to submit my everything to God. My will, my little strength I have left, my shuttered personality, my dreams, my weaknesses, absolutely everything. Its no point to leave by myself, because I’m a greedy person, a bad person, plus I want to be saved from Hell after I die. I’m sick of masturbation and what annoying me more is are plenty girls that like me and I can’t do any move because I feel shit after every relapse. I can’t tell how many girls I missed which could lead to marriage because this shit. I realised I can’t stop with my will power so I decided to let God to lead the way.
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Yes we can’t rely on willpower alone, because we are mostly driven by our habits. So, focus more on building good habits by designing a daily routine.
You can also start your daily check-ins in this diary. Through this, you will be accountable to others and this will serve as an extra motivation to complete all the tasks of your daily routine.
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What if I say I want to workout for the next 1000 days, read a chapter of a book, read from bible, waking up at 6 am, pray for the next 1000 days. Yeah why not, I got nothing to lose anyway, thanks @Martial_Beast, let’s start this.
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Day 2, 21 hours.
Feels like the sirens from Instagram, I’m try to get out of them control, trying to get my life back.
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Day 32.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, but I’ve put porn behind me, I took it out with God grace to be honest. Guys we don’t how much time we have left, so we better turn off the misery and pity ourselves and launch our minds and hearts to Jesus our saviour.
I heard rumours antichrist is borned already and waiting for a good set time to reveal, if that guy comes out and we not strong in faith and in Jesus we are fucked and lost.
Because antichrist will be more charming and appealing than porn and any woman
Day 37.
To beat porn I believe we need to be broken down and rebuild ourselves, like Cus D’Amato did with Mike Tyson. He was a thug, an outlaw but Cus broke him down and rebuild him as a champion. Porn destroyed even our characters, snatched our souls and dreams away.
We can get them back because God granted them to us, we’ve been born with them it is ours gifts granted, let’s take it back brothers, if we die without we will regret for eternity and this is painful as hell
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I’m so fuckt up right now, I feel like trash and I messed up with God as well, basically I deserve a bullet in the head.
In the last 3 months I used escorts to escape porn and masturbation so my mind shifted to real women, isn’t it.
At first I felt good, hey man I’m doing the real thing now, I’m a real man now, I’m proud of myself, but slowly I started to feel miserable, as miserable as a relapse.
Off course I applied everything I saw in porn, not everything but I tried to copy as much as possible and keep changing escorts, every week a different one.
Escorts are real women yes, but they actresses, they act everything except when take my money, that’s the part when they put heart and pornstars are exactly the same, it’s all fake.
During this time I was trying to get close to God and I started to read in the bible and porn faded away, like I didn’t watched no more.
I even found the courage to text to a girl that I worked with her last year, but I was to shy to tell her I like her and fall in love with her. (I’ll write later about this girl).
So in the last 3 weeks I wanted to not use escorts no more because I started to feel miserable and to get close to God, and one night I asked God for one thing, I asked God to make that girl I like to reply back my text, because she seen my text and didn’t replied for a day, so after I finished praying 15 minutes minutes later it happened, that girl replied to me. I was so happy that I went out for a run and did pushups
How I payed back God, last night I used again escorts 
and I feel like I betrayed God, betrayed that girl. I feel so depressed now that I’m sick.
Since I started to use escorts, my mind does not like porn anymore, all I want is to do the thing in flesh and bones. My last escort I put her with her legs open and I stared between her legs talking with her pussy for half hour and asking why you ruined my life and stole my dreams.
Escort laughed but I was serious. Now I’m after after real women trying to get me a wife.
From this moment I’ll stop using escorts as a substitute for PMO. That’s it, it’s fucking over, either I’m getting a girlfriend and marry her or I’m going to die like that.
I paid 200 pounds for a 2 hour escort company today, because last night I was in the club and I couldn’t approach any girl. Got frustrated and went for a prostitute.
even her she said that she likes men with character, that hit me deep, I don’t have it because PMO. I’m so stupid and tired of all these horrible horny thoughts.
No more escorts and no more PMO. Feels like shit
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I got write down on this journal to let go of my thoughts and feelings about my life.
This year I didn’t consume much of porn like last year and 2019,but I short cut the journey by using escorts, sometimes 3 times a week.
I don’t like porn no more because I feel violated inside, it’s a nasty feeling, it’s not only the regret and shame, It’s a feeling of being possessed, like devil breaks into my soul.
I think porn is a gateway for devil to invade our souls actually.
So I fapped at tik tok for a while, but because tik tok don’t give me the same dopamine I went to escorts. Is the same rabbit hole, cheap thrill, carnal pleasure, and bye bye, but the thing is the guilt is bad as a relapse and is addictive as well.
I’m so fuckt up
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Hey brother whatever that you did in the past, whatever that makes you feel guilty of regretful believe one thing- nothing makes you inherently bad. Your true nature, your authentic self is pure, innocent and blissful. Just remember how you were when you were a baby in your mother’s hand. At that time you were freely expressing your self; you had no fears, no regret or hatred at anyone. The most beautiful truth is whatever had happened to you in the past, whatever mistakes or failures that authentic self of yours is still available to you. It can never be taken away from you
To achieve your true happiness again; connect with your real self again; connect with your passion of life, rebuilt the sincere friendships you had in the past or if you didn’t had them connect with some good people with whom you can trust and share everything with. Do yoga, meditation, exercise, praying. Reconnect with your body; understand its inherent purity. Find true happiness that was always within you but got shadowed due to the environment and negative experiences in life. I wish you all the best and a fulfilling life ahead my dear brother
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I know I’m a good person at core but bro I’m so corrupted, infected and hacked by ■■■■ and the world bro, I barely wake up to go to my job, it’s like carrying a massive rock every day and waking up with that on my chest every day bro. It’s like someone wants me dead every day, but somehow I still have air in my nose. I see people enjoying life, laughing, and seems they blessed compare to me. It’s like I’m a garbage that needs to be dumped, like no one’s wants me here
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It’s carnal pleasure vs character.
Either I endure my obstacles that can lead me in developing a character or give in and enjoy another shot of cheap thrill. Why people when they think about gladiators they think about Spartacus, why he represents the whole world of gladiators? Those gladiators they got rewards after winning, women was among the rewards. In the movie Spartacus blood and sand, I remember Spartacus refused to sleep with prostitutes that dominus used to reward his gladiators.
As far as I understand he stood up for something more than cheap rewards, he wanted Freedom. He knew he needed character to lead a revolt, he knew he needed character to be a a free man, he knew he needed character to be a champion. This man is still famous after more than 2000 years and he’s a symbol for how to be free man and people do films about him.
He faced temptation as we do, even more because he was a champion, everything was giving to him, but he wanted to be a free man and as another man said, more important than any titles in this world is to be a free man.
Either this man had a character before he was captured in slavery or he developed one in the middle of fight to the death games, I know I need one as well. I don’t have it right now but I am exactly in fight to the death game, and to develop one I have to ignore temptations of this carnal desires and chase my way out of it. And women fall in love with a character not with a dirty pervert that hides before a screen.
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Though I feel very low I have to write something.
This week I didn’t go to gym because my self- esteem and confidence went to 0 after last escort I used, that was last Sunday.
Yesterday I saw a couple while I was waiting for my pizza. It was a beautiful black lady with a white dude, (I fancy black ladies and I’m white) and hit me straight to heart, because my crush is black and she replies my texts with lol or she doesn’t reply at all.
I dared to text her after 1 year when I stole her number from our work WhatsApp group. she was nice at the beginning but after 2 weeks she didn’t bother.
When I saw that couple yesterday I thought that could be me and her, I could not eat the pizza and cried for about 2 hours when I arrived home and drunk a whole bottle of wine.
I suffer a lot when I see couples because I wish to meet a girl to make my wife. Its very disturbing to be on 32 years and have no prospects.
Because I really decided to not use porn, masturbation and escorts no more to escape stress or to satisfy sexual desires I feel in deep pain and suffering. I’m not entertaining this not even on my mind anymore. It’s a period of transition that hurts so deep.
28 days since my last pmo and 7 days since my last escort.
Tomorrow I hope I find strength to go back in the gym. God help me
It is needles to say porn has taken everything from me, compassion, patience, strength, joy, humour, faith, innocence, integrity, friends, relationships, my youth, career, money, travelling, Training, confidence, freedom and much more.
Being slave in the castle of porn while other people enjoy their life is a shitty feeling, but now that I dug outhrough the thick wall (because there is no doors or windows) of that fucking castle, and found myself in the reality, I started to want things.
I want to be again that innocent kid that I was before being lured and captured in the fucking castle when I was 14 yo, I want to say sorry to myself because I couldn’t escape earlier and for the time wasted. I want to allow myself to be me, to be happy, to be funny. I want to love myself and to like myself as I am right now. And with God help to get my wife.
Though I escape the castle, the castle is still in me because I spent a lot of time in there, 18 years. The memories of that castle will be erased in time.
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I haven’t PMO for 30 days now
I don’t enjoy watching porn no more, I don’t like it anymore, and something in me can’t believe that, yes is true, I force myself to watch it and can’t stay more than 5 minutes, probably because I reached my limits with this shit, kinda grateful I reached that close to my 33 anniversary considering some people are in their 40’s struggling on that.
Something changed in me since I started go out in pubs and clubs, and kinda crazy I saw a girl dancing so lascivious that when she went out to smoke I went after and started talking to her and to found out that she is a pornstar and her rates are 250 an hour, I didn’t want to go. She’s the second pornstar I met in my life.
I even had a date with an Italian girl 2 weeks ago considering I wasn’t for a date more than 5 years 
, spend 2 hours with her and nearly kissed her. Next day she replied late and after I asked her for another date she didn’t say anything.
I been struggling to get a date for the last 6 months but just got only 1, once I managed to drive a girl from the pub to her house, she didn’t want me to go inside with her thou, but the feeling was amazing when all people in that pub watched me taking her out, porn will never give you that feeling never ever. And once I managed to get a girl in my car, we talked 20 minutes we exchanged numbers and in half hour after she left her mom called me to tell me to leave her daughter alone.
And Yeah here and then sometimes I approach girls on the street, talk to them, but because I can’t hold the conversation more 5 minutes because I lack social skills and that’s because porn I loose them.
I can’t express how much harm porn done to me, but I’m glad is over, and I feel like I’m empty now feel lost and lonely but maybe that’s the withdrawals symptoms. Sucks so bad when you don’t know where you heading, need a plan thou.
I really really want to meet my future wife and get married to forget about this ugly past I had.
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