I should be careful with my thoughts, I think this can make a huge difference in my life, I admit half of the day are sexually thoughts and other half how fucked I am. Kinda tired of this loop, like I said I need to be careful with what thoughts should I allow to pierce my mind.
Yeah that’s it
Well I don’t coming here as often used to come, glad I didn’t deleted my account or erase any of my texts because I like go through them once in while to see where I’m at.
I can gladly say I’m 30 days free PMO, man I didn’t watch porn for 30 days straight and no touch as well, this is unbelievable because I only managed to get to 30 days edging a lot but this 30s are clean 
.
I want to touch those 90 days to see how it feels, I can say after 30 days girls looking again in a good suspicious way, I know is from my build up sexual energy of 30s free PMOeven at my age of 33 still works.
I’m also in my 60 days no smoking wich is a huge accomplishment for me, because I only had managed to stay only 2 weeks no smoking since I started to smoke. I can’t recall how many times I said this is my last cigarette, thousands of times and finally I’m here, 60 days. Friends getting a bit jealous and they saying you will get back to smoke as some people got back after 8 years of no smoking. Horseshit I made up my mind already I’m done with them.
One night at the pub I approached a girl and we swapped numbers, I didn’t know she’s is only 19, well she’s a black girl so the body doesn’t match age, I lied I’m 28. We are taking on WhatsApp, I met her mum too, and so far I only kissed this girl and I’m thinking she’s virgin as she said she never had a boyfriend. That’s Incredible because I potentially have a chance to sleep with a virgin girl and make her a woman. Is amazing how far 30 days of no PMO took me, because I’m feeling a bit confident these days too.
Beside this 19yo girl I’ve met a 32 yo girl from Jamaica on a dating site and we went for a date and couldn’t let go of each other, we end up in a hotel room staying all night. I had sex with her night and in the morning. I felt so man, and we still in touch.
Besides these 2 black girls I’ve met a 38 yo woman born in uk with Pakistan roots, I had sex with her twice as well and after I decided to break up with her because there was no actual mutual sexually attraction. We both agreed.
So this year so far I’ve had sex with 2 girls and potentially in the future with a virgin girl. Good things comes to people who waits. Only if I could take this urge pain to watch porn and wank when I was young I could be somewhere else now. Maybe married with kids, maybe a successful entrepreneur, now I know no matter how painful it is I have to resist the urge because something good waiting for me on the other side of urge.
That’s it for now, I’ll come back later.
Good to know that you have overcome all the 3 addictions with your sheer power.
Could you please tell which one you found the most challenging ?
The king pin is PMO, is the boss of the bosses, the ultimate Monster. If you can beat that you are King, we all are Kings if we can put this Monster to death. Only one thing PMO has his lieutenants, they will defend PMO even AFTER is locked up and stabbed to death, these lieutenants won’t give up.
And they are Overthinking, Past, Social Anxiety, Laziness and a very strong ally social media. These Lieutenants can resurrect PMO after you put it to death. Smoking is not easy to give up, it’s a tough habit but can’t be compared with PMO, because smoking cigarette can’t fuck up your life to the level PMO do. Smoking is a baby compare to PMO
I want to make a statement here, I’ll never deny the beauty of a woman, or her curves or other body goods. I’ll always love and like women no matter what, but I’ll never be a woman slave, I’ll not worship their bodies no more, I’ll not put them over me or my dream or my goals or my Creator. This is a game changer here
So last week me and Jamaican girl that I date her three weeks ago from one dating app and we end up in a hotel room all night we decided to go into a relationship.
Yesterday we were on the phone all day making plans how our children be, because I’m white and she’s black and other things. By the way she was in the hospital for the last 2 weeks and yesterday she got out. We only had sex one time in the hotel room and after couple days she got ill and she was hospitalised. I visited her once.
So yesterday she got out and she told me when she’ll be arriving home she will let me know and call me to visit her so we can have our night together.
I knew she left hospital 6pm and after 2 hours I texted her, called 3 times, nothing. I got worried and I said let me know what’s going on, nothing. I went sleep and at 4:30 am she called me if I want to visit her. I was so pissed and I asked what happened, she said I went to visit my family, I’m okay with that but she promised she won’t let no-one she’s out until next day and we will have all night for us. I said I can’t come to u at this hour and she hanged up straight. Now is midday and still no sign. I was close to enter a relationship with her and she’s doing this, okay no problem. I walked 5 kilometres today and had a cold shower after, I feel better. If she doesn’t call I won’t call her. I stopped counting days, I’m over 30s that I know.
I’m in my 30’s I don’t know exactly what number because I don’t give a duck anymore about days, I set my calendar to alarm me when I reach 90 days, that should be good enough. My longest streak was 9 months about 7 years ago when I stayed closed in a monastery. Since then I reached 60 days but that was because I was in love with that girl and I did do it for her and that was 2 years ago.
Things are changing that’s a fact, yes I’m feeling lonely so what it’s better than feeling lonely and empty, that emptiness only PMO can give. There is a spark of hope in my heart, and a shard of my dream still there. I know people fall quick after a bold statement, here is not the case, life is options and chances and choices, nothing is nailed until we dead. Duck, that’s scares me the most. People fall from 30s, 90s, 200s, only few success, don’t dwelling about past, its nothing there, future is more interesting, duck regrets too they good for nothing.
People who went through this PMO and overcome I believe they are great people, you can compare them with Alexander the great, Caesar, Spartacus and other warriors, definitely. At the end we are defined by our actions.
I came in terms with myself so I’m on 0 level, let’s see where no fap journey will take me, I’m ready.
So I went out for park walk and I read on a bus “the journey begins” wow like the universe just wanted to tell me something and I think just did. Yes I’m ready let’s see what you have for me in the basket future… 
I have a lot of things to do and I feel overwhelmed, I’m struggling with Overthinking, but I have a feeling things going to be put on motion. Baby steps
PMO >shame> anxiety >isolation > overthinking>PMO.
The cycle most fappers are caught in. But what leads to PMO, boredom and laziness are 2 things 100%. Triggers from social media another thing, sometimes alcohol leads to PMO. I’ve abused my body in the last 6 months with alcohol, I’m having enough, I need to cut intake of alcohol. Also because my sleep pattern is so fucket up I used to drink alcohol to get sleep, wich is bad. I haven’t worked out in 3 months, my body feels like a boiled cabbage. I really need to pick up some good habits because I’m getting horny everyday due to nearly 40 days of no fapp, because I don’t want to go back into the cycle, because is a really waste of time, and what I hate the most is Overthink that comes from a relapse, I just hate that. The only Overthinking I have now is how I was that stupid to waist my time doing PMO wich I admit I can slip right into it again, only starting doing little good things here and there will help me overcome Overthink. If I can beat Overthink, fix my sleeping pattern and deal with laziness I’m going to become another person. Nutts heart a bit because was no wet dream but probably will come soon. I’m going to change my life fuck Overthinking.
So that girl who decided to go in a relationship texted me eventually after 3 days, and she’s back in the hospital. She asked me to visit her again, I don’t know if I should go. Also I read my journal from the beginning and it was delicious and disgusting at the same time, yes at one point I was addicted to escorts, and one night I took 2 girls at the same time and they gave me cocaine, 2 lines, I went pied and couldn’t do no sex. I spent that night 800 £ and had no sex, what a dumb, since then I didn’t go that often until I stopped going. I have 3 months since I didn’t used escorts. I’m still tempted to go but I’m low on money I think over the last 1 year I spent 10k with them. I’m looking for a girlfriend, a girl who gives 2 shits about me at least. I will continue with the girl from the hospital, see were we get.
Today was a shit day because I Overthink about no fap journey and debate inside me if I really want to be serious and quit forever or I’m doing it just for counting days and still didn’t make up my mind on the case. I started my journal 2 years and half ago and I see no progress in my life and I’m still debating this shit, fuck I must be really dumb or really addicted.
I’ve noticed my brain is focusing on what I’ve lost rather than what I have. Every time I go to my gallery I check the pictures that I deleted, when I delete pics they go in the bin and after 30 days will be deleted forever. So I do always check the deleted gallery. Why my brain works like that, why is so cemented into the past? I really need to rewire my brain.
To be honest, I like your diary title.
But what makes you think like that ( Giants turned into crying babies ).
@anon87955785 that was because of a dream I had. I was on a plain field and in the distance a giant showed up, he was dressed like a roman soldier and had a huge spear as well in hand, when I saw him I got frightened and I wanted to run and hide but a voice said go and confront him, and didn’t listen the voice and try to run but that voice became angry and said go and confront him now, and I got more scared of the voice than the giant, and I went towards this giant and with every step the giant is getting smaller and smaller, by the time we approached face to face he was a baby and crying. I laughed and dream finished after. From here is the title
Its more like a metaphor for fear , The more we run away from it, more threatening it becomes. The more we are ready to fight, the lesser threatening it becomes.
Let’s hope we can face our fears, honestly only men can do it, it’s not for boys
So I decided I’m not going to relapse never again. I’m not a boy no more, I’m 33, I’m a man now. I can’t stand porn no more I know it’s a bold statement but it’s true, I don’t have tik tok as I found it brainless app, as for Instagram yes there are plenty models to give a wank, but these girls won’t give a hi to me so I decided to not wank on Instagram either. I feel good now, all I need to get on with my life. Let’s make it happen
Day 40
No fap 4ever, it’s done I’m not going back