[john98] Long walk to freedom

john98 · January 28, 2021, 7:24am

D0:

Relapsed on porn. Felt like shit, but will just pick myself up and have to learn to control my urges. I broke my rule of phone in bedroom.

john98 · January 28, 2021, 11:36pm

D0:
2:30

Relapse again. If I can be completely honest I am not that surprised. I am not surprised because my last relapse was actual porn and not just a comic. I tell you the urges for me are much harder to control when it is on a porn site. That being said I am not one for excuses. This is bad. I fall into the rabbit whole and struggle with resilience. I am still determined. I may have taken the L (again) but I will fight harder than tomorrow.

john98 · January 30, 2021, 7:56pm

D1
22:53
‘workout’

No porn:

I read that you have to ask yourself whether you are a person who is disciplined or not? That answer needs to be a yes every day and difficult moment from here on out. Other than that had urges but didn’t let it control me. Also got in some exercise which does me a world of good.

john98 · January 31, 2021, 7:26pm

D2:

No PMO:

A day where I focused on my tasks for the day, and made time to read my book on discipline. Reflecting on this January it was not my best month in terms of controlling my urges. But I finish with a 2 day streak to carry me into February. Let’s go all clean in Feb

john98 · February 1, 2021, 5:00pm

D3:

No PMO:

Started my gym routine today. Feels amazing! Now I need a lot of rest and then I will be back at it day after tomorrow.

john98 · February 2, 2021, 8:24pm

D0:
‘phone in bed’

Really need to stop doing this. But also I need to be stronger when I have urges.

john98 · February 3, 2021, 4:23pm

D: 0
‘Again !’

I have had it. I am done out here. I aint got no discipline, I am not focusing on positive thoughts. Am not reminding myself of how crap porn has made me feel. How one relapse is never just one. I am terribly fed up with myself for not knowing better. For giving away control to my urges. But I tell you this is it! I will be darned. From now on every day here on out is war. I mean mental warfare with that voice in my head that tells me ‘just one more time won’t hurt’. Mental warfare until my reward system is fully recovered.

john98 · February 4, 2021, 7:03pm

D1

Got the right mindset now. Watch the run I’m about to hit.

Damane · February 4, 2021, 7:10pm

Damn man, that’s the f*cking actitude dude, stop pitying yourself and get it right. Nice words doesn’t do anything if you don’t put your mindset in practice, I hope this new mentality take you further than before!

john98 · February 5, 2021, 4:49pm

D0
‘underestimating my dependency’

I have been seriously underestimating what it is going take to get rid of this dependency. I need to start from scratch. From the first base. And realise that it is the first few days, weeks even, that are the hardest. Those are the ones I have to push through. This time I will up the efforts, keep my workout habits, but ban the phone from my bedroom, and just take each day at a time.

It’s really been a terrible week, but I am realistically optimistic. I know I have it in me to get out of this. In my life I have quit alcohol, I have quit cigarettes(and nicotine), porn is the hardest obstacle for me due to the amount of time I have spent, but I will get it out of my life.

PrDr · February 5, 2021, 4:54pm

Thats the correct approach, bro. Once you get over these few early days, it becomes much easier. After this, urges will only become serious during flatline or after nightfalls or at certain days, but by that time you’ll have the equipments to overcome it. You will win bro, I’m certain of it. Afterall, you’re the king of your jungle.

john98 · February 6, 2021, 5:39pm

Thanks a lot for the encouragement. Means a ton. What’s your I’d and I will add you!

john98 · February 6, 2021, 5:43pm

D1
‘Here we go!’
No PMO:

Today I chose not to watch porn. I use the word ‘chose’ deliberately because porn does not have control of me, I decide if I follow my urges or not. And today I chose not to watch it. Feels great! Went for a run and I feel great.

I realize I have been making this thing impossible in my head by thinking I am going to quit for life. So instead it is time to split it up in smaller pieces.

So my goal right now is 3 days without porn. Already one third of the way there

PrDr · February 7, 2021, 5:31am

Thank yourself for beating this urge again bro. My sharing code is pp3rlt, if that was what you asked for. Keep going man, you’re going to tear PMO apart.

john98 · February 7, 2021, 7:13pm

D2
‘all good’
No PMO:

Am one day away from my first challenge of 3 days clean! I think it is important to distance myself from porn. As in it is not a part of me, just a bad habit that I can beat. And today I chose not to watch it. Instead I have been reading my book on will power and spending time with the fam.

PrDr · February 8, 2021, 9:31am

You’ll do this bro. And you’ll achieve much more than this. Can’t wait to hear the roar of this lion.

john98 · February 8, 2021, 3:59pm

D3
‘1st challenge reached’
No PMO:

3 days free, am feeling great! Today I practiced being mindful of my thoughts by not attaching myself to them but just noticing and letting them past. I hope to learn to do the same with urges.

Anyhow, new challenges is 7 days free, and I am already 40% there.

john98 · February 9, 2021, 5:00pm

D4
‘more than halfway there’
No PMO:

No way I am going to throw away this streak. Too busy exercising and working on myself.

john98 · February 10, 2021, 4:22pm

D5
‘mindfulness’
No PMO:

I worked today on my ability to be mindful of my thoughts, but also on controlling my emotions which is something I have struggled with. When I take offense over something, it becomes more difficult to express myself clearly about how the behaviour of someone else makes me feel. I figured it’s all a part of being a mindful person and realizing that there is no need to take things to heart and to keep your cool. Just like having urges doesn’t mean you have to act on them, other emotions you feel are just that; emotions. They do not control you. I think the longer I go from porn and recover my pre frontal cortex’s ability to act rationally and consider long term effects rather than the immediate urge, whether that be to scream at someone or the urge to watch porn.

john98 · February 11, 2021, 4:27pm

Day 6
‘one day at a time’
No PMO✅

Am one day from my target of 7 days clean. Feels amazing to soon be a week into allowing my brain and myself to recover from the affects that porn has had on my life. What has worked so far is splitting the abstinence period into smaller milestones. 3 days then 7 days, than 14 days and so on. It reminds me of the distance I have covered and how far along I am coming.