I had relapsed 3 times today, I got emotional after my second relapse and drunk alcohol, played video games with my sisters bf, after midnight I had relapsed again, I honestly donāt know why I kept giving in today, but despite those relapses, here I am still standing and willing to quit pmo, I am going to get out of this shit hole and live a life without pmo, nothing is going to stop me, It could take years but it will all be worth it in the end, from recent experience I know that after time without pmo, I was experiencing mental clarity, happiness, confidence and high self esteem, and I was even improving other aspects of my life, all of this can happen when I quit pmo again. It will take determination, discipline and iron will.
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You have to stay away from these filthy stuff to get proper mind clarity
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My mental health has been taking a turn recently, Iāve been avoiding everything in my life, i stopped going to the gym, I only worked out for 2 days in the past 2 weeks, my anxiety has creeped back in and recently Iāve reverted back to my introverted self following lots of relapse, Iām going to be honest, those relapses have messed me up alot, ive been avoiding everything except for my family, I feel alienated from my own siblings, they are busy living their lives, while I feel like im stuck in the same place doing nothing except beating my meat, pmo has caused so much psychological damage, that sometimes I feel like I donāt want to go on anymore. Pmo is the reason I have these depressive thoughts, itās the reason I suffer from anxiety worse than ever before, itās the reason I shut everything out in my life and feel like I have nothing left, my life is getting better, but everything feels dull to me at the moment, I feel like Iām losing everything, and sometimes it feels out of my control. I believe Iāve always had mental health issues and it got worse when I started doing pmo, it alienated me from everything all my friends, family and all the things I loved doing prior to pmo it was around the time covid first hit and we were all locked down. I started nofap to live a better life and reach my full potential. I found when I went long enough on nofap, my mental health problems were still there but it became more bearable because I was busy improving my life, but when Iām trapped under pmo, my mental health becomes increasingly unbearable, right now my mentality feels so bad that I feel like Iāve almost lost hope and I feel more isolated than ever before. Pmo has even induced suicidal thoughts which worsens everytime I relapse. Iāve proved I can go a long time on nofap, but it might be time to seek professional help, Iām a few days sober, Iām going to focus on the positives and keep hustling despite my mental health, to quit this pmo monster that has been slowly killing me.
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Day 0
Well brothers I brothers I have relapsed again I believe the triggers were from the day before, the day before I was sick with the stomach bug, which was vomiting and diarrhea, I had a sore stomach all day and I didnāt take my adhd meds either, I was in bed all day drifting in and out of sleep, this morning I woke up feeling better and ready to start my day, but then a sexual thought came to mind and I gave in just like that, but Iām starting again and Iām going to prove to myself that I can quit pmo and live the better life I deserve.
Update: I have relapsed 4 times today this is worst ive been since the start of 2021, 3 years ago when I was stuck in the chaser effect, I know I can quit pmo as Iāve done so before but given the state Iāve been in recently it feels like im not even trying the relapsing has been hitting me so hard recently that itās real hard to control myself, ive been on downward spirals before but this is by far the worst downward spiral in my journey I used to only relapse twice whenever I was binging, but it is has gotten worse because everytime I relapse I find myself binging 3 to 4 in a day how much worse is it going to get before I gain control over myself again, I know there is hope, but my mind is so messed up at the moment that ive fallen into a deep depression, ive isolated myself from everything I went as far as taking days off work, Iāve locked myself in my room of darkness Iāve avoided leaving my room because of how bad my relapses have affected Iāve even isolated myself from my own family which I never used to do, how much worse can this get?
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Day 0. The amount of Relapses (6 including my last post) donāt matter is the getting back up that does, these have been my darkest 24 hours ever not just for nofap but in whole life of existence, Iāve never been this isolated from the outside world ever, I couldnāt even leave my room because I was scared of what everyone would think of me despite Noone actually giving a shit, I had fapped 5 times but registered it as 6 because I was edging last night. 2 Relapses are bad enough, but doing it 6 times is much worse, it causes so much psychological damage that it would be enough for someone to give up on themselves, you guys should be surprised Iām still posting here after all the trouble I have put myself through. After that 4th relapse things got messed up I constantly beating my meat to the point of exhaustion when I stopped it swelled up and it got sensitive to touch this morning the chaser effect hit again and still did it despite it being sore and when I relapsed I decided enough is enough, I have to stop this now or my life will deteriorate. I have caused so much psychological and potentially physical damage to myself that I must recover and get me into the right mindset and get on the right path, it starts now!
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Day 2
It was a productive day for me today I went to work at 6:30 and finished at 2:00, after I finished, I went home, I tidied and vacuumed my room while listening to rock radio, took out rubbish bags and picked up rubbish which was attracting ants, my room still had a depressed vibe so I vacuumed up all the cobwebs and my room felt tidier, I then wiped my dirty/dusty window sill and it looked much better, I then wiped and cleaned all the dust from my dresser and shelf, alot of dust had built up over time and the way my room was, it would have the potential to make me sick or prolong illness, I was going to clean my filthy walls and vacuum under my bed and bed side table but didnāt do it, at 4:00 I stopped and got ready for the gym, it was so good to be back, I hadnāt been going to the gym much in recent weeks following lots of relapses, when the relapses occurred, I stopped going out of fear of what other people would think of me, before the relapses I was this strong tough confident guy to this shy guy with social anxiety after relapsing, and whenever I relapsed I stopped going to the gym out of fear people would notice this sudden change in me so I stopped going for a while and started going again for like a day or 2 and relapsed and I stopped going because of the fears I mentioned, and everytime I stopped going to the gym I felt isolated from everything and it started to affect my mental health because I wasnāt going anywhere. After all those relapses I realized that my social status doesnāt matter at the moment those days donāt matter, itās my āWHYā and true intentions that really matter nothing else matters, itās about ourselves, no one else gives a shit, whether weāve relapsed or not, we should still be pushing to be best we can be, relapses does not define who we are, if we have a good or bad day we should keep pushing, shit happens and although it hinders some things, the push to keep going will always have good results especially on bad days. I was at the gym today, I wasnāt worried about anything else, I was just there to train and I had a good workout and had a protein shake afterwards. I also had anxiety after the gym, but thatās to be expected following relapses, itās fine 
, it will subside with abstinence and will start feeling more confident. It has been a very productive day and Iām starting to feel less shame and guilt and Iām starting to feel a bit better.
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Day 8.
Its been a week now, I was going to check in yesterday but didnāt get there, so Iām checking in now, following my last relapse where I hit rock bottom I am happy to say Ive come out of this stronger, I started again and Iām relearning the basics, this is the best ive felt in a long time, ive become more consistent with my nofap and Iām being more proactive, being proactive will help us alot, I have started going to gym again and I am enjoying being able to train my body, I missed this when I stopped going it was when stopped training my body because of these relapses that my mental health worsened, and my relapses increased because I was lacking discipline, it was a big mistake I made when I first relapsed 6 weeks ago, I was in the wrong mindset at the time I was using my failures and social anxiety as an excuse to stop going all because I was afraid to face the music, I have started going to the gym again and ive shifted my mindset to be more proactive and consistent, for example I go to the gym to work on myself and work on my gains more and also improve my mental health and if something goes wrong such as a relapse or social anxiety, I should still keep going to the gym anyway like yes Ill be less energetic, but my body will still improve from training even on bad days (relapse included), my mistake was I would stop going to the gym everytime I relapsed and felt isolated everytime I stopped going to the gym and affected my mental health. Iām doing quite well mentally at the moment and staying physically active, I have been experiencing social anxiety which is normal for me, but its decreasing everyday, I just focusing on the basics at the moment so I donāt stuff up.
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I relapsed last night and this morning, I think it was a trigger I came across yesterday though I was fine I watched a movie later that night and searched up an actress and ended masturbating this morning I looked her up again and gave in again, Iām proud of efforts I made this time, I reached 19 days and was more consistent I was trying to stay as busy and active as possible, i was also going to the gym, my confidence started growing again and was slowly building on it, but then some bad habits creeped back in, I stopped meditating, stopped taking cold showers and I started eating junk again and stuff it felt like it was all I could do at times, I got behind on my own washing and room got messy again, the only thing I was doing was going to the work and gym and that was it in recent days I was trying to work on things more, but I gave in last night, the old me would want to go on a downward spiral and have multiple binges while locking myself in my room being too scared to face the world to the point I feel suicidal, however this time Iām not going to do that again, Iām going to stop here, 2 relapses are already enough, going further just makes it worse Iām stopping here and getting back up, Iām going to be more consistent and proactive with my nofap which means if something happens like a relapse Iāll take the time reflect on it and ill move forward, today is day 0 and ive got some things to get right and I need to maintain my good habits better.
Update; I had 4 relapses this happens every time I relapse, however Iām not discouraged recovery takes time no matter what happens to me nothing is going to undo my progress because I am still making progress with myself every day and nothing will change that, I started nofap in 2020 and since I had built a strong foundation which has gotten stronger over the years, itās at its strongest now which has shaped me into who I am today, my relapses are at its worst they have been in my 4 year journey of nofap despite all these relapses Iām doing way better than I was 4 years ago and I have learned alot. Although I havenāt quite mastered the nofap lifestyle, my life has changing alot I am doing better Iām more confident than I used to be, and I have become more attractive to the female because I have been going to the gym for 2 years, these transformations I have made and people telling me I look good has also boosted my confidence alot, Iām autistic and these changes Iām making have helped with my autism, Iām not very approachable, but these changes have made me want to approach people more, the willingness to change and become my better self inspired me to do things. It is the 1 thing that motivates me to keep going, no matter my life struggles. I still relapse and was at my lowest for a while because it felt like I couldnāt control myself anymore, but these relapses taught me something very Important, I have to be more patient, I keep relapsing and its frustrating, because Iām so desperate to quit pmo Iām so drawn to quitting pmo that I sometimes havenāt paid attention to what was causing it, maybe itās because I lack patience. If be patient and take the time to figure out what is causing me to relapse then maybe I will quit pmo sooner, and Iāve done it before, I exceeded 3 months twice and I was patient the entire time, the reboot I lost my patience and then the loneliness feeling empty triggered me to relapse and lost that patience, Iām learning how important it is to be patient and how it will help me in the long term. Iām struggling to control myself these days but this will take time and I have to be patient.
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Day 4.
Iāve been struggling with really bad social anxiety lately, the feelings are so strong that I feel like shutting myself out and avoiding everything, but I canāt let that happen because my mental health will spiral down again, Iāve just gotta keep facing the world to keep my head in the right place, even if I feel uncomfortable right now, meditation usually helps, when Iām not doing anything ill sit down and focus on my breathing.
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Iām so prod of you for taking the challenge to stand up against your fears, brother. Now that you have stood against them, you will definitely overcome it. Negativities of years have accumulated and would tell you that its too tough or that you canāt do it, but those are just lies. You must stand up against them all and absolutely conquer them. Keepfighting. Youāve got this. Everytime it begins to get tough, think of the life you want to have, without mental troubles, filled with success, love and positivity. You are not sacrificing anything brother, you are just removing a hurdle to reach where you wmat to be. Keep going.
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Day 6.
I just learned about a work colleague whom I have known at work for over a year and only recently started having conversations and getting to know her, and she told me something which completely blew my mind she turned out to be someone who went to the same school that I did when I was just 8 years old she was 13 and went to high school the following year, I didnāt see her again after that, and then she started working at the same place I worked at, I didnāt even recognize her until she actually revealed who she was to me today. My confidence recently increased and started getting to know her, I was completely unaware that she went to same school as me, some thoughts did cross my mind during the past week of whether she was the same person who I went to school with, but I thought I was overthinking, then today I was having conversations and my colleague asked me questions which I answered and then she told me who she was which confirmed it. When I was 8 we both went on same school bus, but we didnāt get along back then, she used to bully me on the school bus but I was so young back then that I didnāt actually recognize it as bullying, I do however remember trying to talking to her and she was one of those people who didnāt like being talked to, we just didnāt get along, my older sister would always step in and tell her to stop bullying me. Today she mentioned the school bus and apologized for bullying me on the school bus as a kid, I told her it was fine because we were both young back then and we have both grown up since then and what matters is we are both adults who get along quite well, Im 21 and she is 26. I then told her about my Autism and she revealed to me that she has aspergers which is a similar strain to Autism which all makes sense. However talking about this brought back memories from my childhood and I could feel some emotions from my childhood memories and my body was shaking, and then I calmed down I then spent all day thinking about it which is my way of processing. Iām telling you guys this because this is something I donāt want to keep to myself, this is something I want to talk to you all about.
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Day 7.
Today for one of my days off I got out of my comfort zone and went to a shopping mall filled with people to buy new clothes, the amount of people there was overwhelming, instead of letting my anxiety get the best of me, I focused on what I went there to do in the first place and got some nice new shoes to go with my nice clothes. This is an accomplishment because normally the overwhelming amount of people frightens me from wanting to go there.
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I also have autism/Aspergers and can understand the social anxiety. I see your progress in the 100+ streaks and gym progress. Youāre gonna do well if you have those accomplishments already.
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Yeah man 100 percent!
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Day 8.
Starting from 2020 when I first started nofap until about the start of 2023 were the years I was learning about nofap and the benefits, while also being in the mindset of counting days and hoping for results, in 2022 there were some changes but some adjustments were still required I signed up for gym in mid 2022, but back then I was a beta who knew nothing about exercise or working out, and I was still in the same mindset of counting days. My real change begun in 2023 when I started going to gym more and working on myself more my prime objectives were to transmute my sexual energy, maintain good habits and also had a strong mindset which got me past 3 months for the first time I almost reached 6 months which ended at 178 days but that is my best effort in my whole journey I learned alot about myself and confronted alot of hurdles caused by pmo and started to work on other aspects and I felt much more mature and wanted to plan my future even after falling off things were getting better and by the end of 2023 going to the gym become second nature to me, during this time I also got covid, so I was absent from the gym for a while, but when the year came to a close, I made a new year resolution to train hard at the gym and work even more on myself. 2023 was like the year of Self discovery and a new chapter in my life which set me up for 2024 which was the year of further self discovery, self improvement and increased confidence. 2024 has been my best year in my life of existence, I continued training hard and still do, the gym has become a huge foundation which has transformed me, I can list them here, it improved my muscle physique, I used to have a dad body, now I have a chest which is good to look at in the mirror, it reminds me that Iāve been putting in this work to improve my physical appearance, my physical appearance today has increased my confidence and self esteem and has also increased my chances of having more social interactions, I also also noticed a few females checking me out which never used to happen, ive become somewhat attractive to the female eye, there are also other benefits, such as improved mental health and the constant willingness to change, sometimes its the only thing keeping me going when nothing else does. There are other things I done this year such as moving out of my comfort zone and having more social interactions, I made it past 3 months again and reached 110 days, I completed my study and even confronted an issue from the past which Iām now at peace with I am no longer in the past, I now live in the present and my main focus being self improvement, nothing else matters. My life is improving, but the only thing that has holds me back is pmo, I almost quit the gym because of pmo, ive relapsed alot in the past 2 months and almost gave up but I but I brought my soul back to life and my desire to change is the strongest ive ever been, Iām not giving up, ive still got time, itās never too late to change until you die, I will keep getting back up everytime I fall and finally quit pmo, ive done it before I will do it again and I will stay consistent and proactive until I die.
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Day 9.
Today at work I helped in culling out a chicken shed, tomorrow me and my colleagues will be culling the rest of the flock, today after work I brought a leg of lamb and cooked for dinner with some healthy vegetables, I ate my dinner and got full quick, but full of goodness I didnāt crave any junk because I was too full, now Iām going to go to bed because ive got work tomorrow morning.
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Day 11. I trained my legs super hard tonight until failure to the point I couldnāt do anymore. I had a moment of weakness but I connected my mind with the reps and thatās when I got more momentum during the sets and got a fullfilled feeling, Im proud of my efforts and Iām thinking about where ill be 5 years from now if I keep training like this.
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Good going brother. Happy to see you growing. God bless
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----------- Thank you brother!