IWantToBeHappy's Daily Journal

Back at 0: I allowed my mind to wonder too much today and that lead to my failure. I have no excuses for my lack of control. The thing that hurt me the most though is the fact that all I had to do was do my breathing pattern and the urges would have gone away. I don’t know why I wasn’t thinking clearly. My main trigger is the lack of things I can do for fun. I will just work harder this time and work on avoiding boredom.

That is all for today because I’m disappointed in myself to talk about the good things that happened today.

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Day 1: I still have my confidence even though I failed yesterday. I almost didn’t meditate today but I forced myself to do it because if I don’t I just forget about and never do it again. Than I will most likely fail over and over again. Meditation is the way I got my longest streak which was 32 days so I know that it can help me with nofap. My biggest problem in tying to solve is how to not be bored anymore; I decided to start going outside during the day and at night play chess against myself or play video games. Today I worked out with weights because bodyweight exercises are boring and get repeative. I used 100 lbs to work out. My exercises I did was stiff legged deadlier 8 reps 2 set, Romanian deadlift 8 reps 2 sets, bent over rows 10 reps 2 sets and military press 6 reps 1 set. I am starting to like using weights to workout a lot more because it reminds me when I use to train football. Those were the best days of my life because I remember how much I trained everyday just so I could become better and stronger. I’m working on my mindset again so I remember to not feed the sexual thoughts so they stay weak and die easy. I have finally learnt how to do the breathing techique that Wim Holf uses to not get cold. His nickname s the Iceman because he is immune to the cold. His tea thing techique is very relaxing and when you are done doing it you feel high off of oxygen. That’s all for today.

I failed 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Come on brother , you have fallen many times, it’s time to rise once and for all , for your family , for the people that cares about you. Make them proud ,be the best version of yourself.

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Day 1: I didn’t do anything today but study math and watch youtube. I finally got an 80 in math so I have starting stud ing so I can get an A in it. I forgot to meditate and workout today but it won’t effect me too much. I’m starting to think that I don’t have what it takes to be successful at nofap because every time I have an good streak going I always relapse for no reason. That is how I lost my 32 day streak. I’m just going to force myself to not think about anything sexual; anytime I do I will give myself an headache by useing an pressure point. That is all for today.

This is very short journal for today because nothing interesting happened today.

Day 2: I have lost interest in anything to do with being alive. I have stopped meditating and workout for now because I don’t really have an reason to workout anymore. I am mostly just faking that I’m happy at school so none of my friends tries to get me help because most people don’t know how it feels having to accept that you were born to just fail. I really blame my mom for this because to be honest I really wish I wasn’t born at all. I try to think of the things that she does to take care of me but than I start thinking about the fact that if she wasn’t so dumb and didn’t have an kid at 16 I wouldn’t have to live like this. You can say that I’m just being a cry baby and that life does get better but I will never believe that shit; I had enough of ever ducking thing. Every time i think about the situation I was born into because of my stupid mother I try to think of ways to make it out of here but than I remember I’m only good at sports. I no longer play sports so I really don’t have a way out anymore. I have decided that at the end of my senior year of highschool I will just get hit by a train. In a junior right now.

I feel a lot better now that I realised all of this anger.

I am done for today; Think what you want of me but it doesn’t matter to me at all we all have are ways of seeing things. I’m not as strong mentally as some people are and that is my biggest weakness.

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Relapsing will put you in a negative mindset. That Train talk is a serious issue. Suicidal ideas should be addressed with your full attention because they can grow and grow until it’s too late. I know this feeling. I just want you to know I was there where you were. Now things are better. Despite you not wanting to believe it, things do get better.

I have to say no pmo is key to why I feel better because it gives me all the things I need to live a full life. Courage, confidence, energy, presence of mind, joyfulness, etc. Here’s a quote that you might like.

“You have to believe that something different can happen. He who says he can, and he who says he can’t, are both usually right.”
– Will Smith

Goodluck and may God bless you.

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Day 1again: I’m just going to focus on 1 day at a time instead of going 32 days. If I can focus on 1 day at a time I will be able to put all energy into not falling that day and than the day counter will build up without me knowing. I got this idea from A Football Life; on you episode there was an Steelers coach who could win in the playoffs, so he decided to take it one game at a time and his team won the Superbowl that year. One day at a time is the way I will try to live my life; I’m going to try to make the most out of everyday I’m alive. It going to be so uncomfortable but I learnt that in order to succeed you must learn to be uncomfortable if you want to achieve great things. An great example of this is the way David Goggins live his life.

I can feel the effects of the relapses and I don’t like them at all. I was so tired today and I didn’t even pay attention in Math class today; I can’t allow this to happen anymore or I will be stuck forever. I still have my confidence but it felt like I was pretending to be confident because during some conversations I had to force myself to keep eye contact. When didn’t relapse it felt so natural like I didn’t have to put in any effert to make eye contact with people. I also lost the ability to speak loud again due to my lack of energy I have now. I’m going to try my best to live a life of abstain from sexual things but I have to take care of this addiction and get rid of a crush I have on girl first to be fully commited to abstaining. I have almost gotten rid of my crush on her by ignoring her and focusing on Math to keep my mind off of her. I will not speak of her no more now so can lose all emotions for her :grinning:.
I’m done for today

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Day 2: Today I started doing things that make me uncomfortable like talking to strangers. I wanted to get an dodge ball game started so I went around and ask a lot of people if they wanted to play;I only got a few people so we really couldn’t play it. This experience made me realize that I need to work on being able to talk louder because my voice is so deep that it makes it hard for me to talk loud. I hate it so dang much because it prevents me from being able to yell things out. My confidence might be great now but my social skills are still lacking. The one day at a time mentality seems to be effective for me but I still have to work on doing the things I say I will do though. I love cold showers so dang much; they make it a lot easier to sleep at night and it also boost my energy levels. I have decided that no matter how hard my life may get I will not kill myself because I will not allow myself to die poor and unknown.

I been studing the reason why most people stay poor and I found out that most of them have the wrong priorities; they focus on sex more than they focus on finding what they want to do with their life. This is why will never get any type of girlfriend because I want to focus on being successful. I didn’t get this information offline I got it from studing the people around me. I barely talk at school because I am usually studing how people from different wealth classes act. This habit has made it easier for me to know how to communicate with different people; this is why I have so many friends from different wealth classes. I also discover a wired thing about myself; I don’t know if it is normal but I have 180 degree vision. I developed this skill when I use to train to be an running back and it also helps me react to things faster. That is all for today.

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Day 3: Today journal will be very short because I studied math for 3 hours straight than played video games. Studying that long made me really tired. I have started forcing myself to do things that I really don’t feel comfortable doing like studying math. My confidence is still good and I have started working on learning to use my voice to by singing my favorite songs. I am going to do it everyday to warm up my voice so I can talk clearer. That is it for today.

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Day …1: I failed last night after waking up from a nap. Today at school was kinda of fun because I played ping pong with my friend and I am getting better at Spanish. I learnt that for irregular verbs the E closes to the end changes to ie, expect for when you conjugate it to nosotros and vosotros. You also have to conjugate the verb ending which could be ir,ar or er for the subject pronoun that it have. I think learning Spanish is the easiest language for people that speak english to learn because all you are doing is sounding out the words and it uses English letters. I think I finally learnt how to get over my crush now; Today when i was on the bus going home I saw her in an dude truck with we hair up I won’t tell you what that mean I’ll just let you guess. I got got depressed for a while but than I thought about it and said I never tried to get her anyway so I decided that if focusing on breath could help me get rid of sexual thoughts than maybe it can help me get over her. I started focusing on my breathing and My mind became blank; my mood changed back to normal after I did that. I started pushing myself a lot hard in school now because i’m very close to getting all A’s ; I got 2 A’s and 2 B’s in my classes. The classes that I got A’s in are P.E and Social Studies; The B’s are in Math and Spanish class.

That is it for today.

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Hey man, been reading your journals and I want to say, Keep going!

Reading your posts about suicide hit home for me. I also struggle with those thoughts once in awhile, although when I was in high school, I thought about it all the time. I was always very close to doing it. Even now, I had thoughts about how I might do it because of all the stress from college. The education system likes to make us feel stupid I have realized. Make us feel like we can never rise above.

I too live in a single parent home. My mom had me and my sister when she was really young. Then she got back on meth and it all went downhill from there. When I got older, things got better outwardly, my mom got into rehab and eventually got all the way clean. But I feel like all the damage was done. I was socially awkward all through my middle school and high school years. And I was severely depressed. It didn’t help that to get a decent grade, one had to miss so much sleep and study endlessly.

I didn’t want to be like my mother. In fact, I felt those same feelings of hatred towards her. She loved and took care of me with all her heart, but at the same time I wish she would stop caring so I could finally kill myself and no one would care. I was mad that she got on meth and left me and my sister without a mother or a father for all those years. I was angry all the time. I often dreamt of just taking everything and running away. I never thought I would escape my situation. I wanted to drop out of high school so badly but at the same time I couldn’t let myself become like my parents.

The schools aren’t catered towards kids like us. The public school system is a mess and they have no care for kids who are really struggling. I know those feelings.

But I wanted to come on here and tell you that it really does get better. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts sometimes, but I could never do it. I have seen the brighter side of life. One without PMO and one where we reach out of current limitations and live a life with sufficient wealth.

If you get the chance, try to pick up the book Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. He survived the Holocaust and shares with us how even in the worst circumstances, in the darkest parts of life, there is one thing that can never be taken from us. And that is our ability to choose. Choose how we will respond. They may take our ability to go one way or the other, but they can’t take our resolve. We have to come out of the mindset of victimhood and realize our ability as human beings to choose who we are. Yes we have experienced a ton of shit, but we can choose how to respond to that.

My mother did a lot of things that hurt our family, but it’s my choice as to whether I let that decide my fate or merely teach me a lesson about life that not many receive at our age. I can choose to forgive her or to hold onto it and let it destroy me.

When I realized that, and it took a long time, but when I really realized that into my life, things changed. I was able to appreciate my experiences for what they were. I might not have as many skills as my peers, not having the privilege of being guided by my parents. I might feel useless, but I am only as useless as I decide I am. And I also gained an appreciation for my mother. She had endured a lot too, she wasn’t dealt an easy hand either, but she came back from the depths for her children. I love her with all my heart now and I could never do something like kill myself, if only for her sake and my family.

There is hope man. But it’s found not in our circumstances, but rather within us. We must become our hope in this life. We may always be behind academically, skills-wise than others around us, but if we seek to be better than we were yesterday, then we will look back one day and realize we have achieved more than they ever will.

Keep studying, keep learning, and keep fighting.

Stay strong brother, you got this.

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Day 1 over again: I failed because I wanted to; I have stop making excuses like saying I failed because I had an strong urge or I’m bored. That is just an excuses and I’m putting the blame on something that I can easily prevent. I choose to be bored and I choose to feed into the urges; when I get bored I could choose to play chess, study Math or Spanish. I watched a motivational that I watch everyday Monday through Friday that helps me get my mind right for school. I will add it in it own post. My new approach to nofap is to just quit watching porn and relapsing because the mind is the strong muscle in the body; I remember one of my old teachers saying something like “If you really wanted to quit doing something you would just quit doing it”. My teacher was talking about how her niece said she wouldn’t call her uncle by his real name anymore and she hasn’t even said it once after saying that. That it for today.

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Day 2: I spent most Of My day playing favorite game on Roblox called Rocitizen. I like it because I glitched my money and I’m decorating my mega mansion on it. I discovered an new boxer named Sam Langford; his nickname is The Boston Bonecrusher because of his punching power. He was named the most dangerous boxer because of his power; he even scared Jack Dempsey and Jack Johnson(the first black heavy weight champion). Sam Langford was only 5ft7 one inch shorter than me and he fought in all wieght classes. I will post I found of him from a youtuber; the flim is very old.

I started to shadow box when ever I get bored now and I like to copy the way Mike Tyson fought. I never get anxiety when I talk to new people because my confidence will never die; every time I have thoughts of people judging me I tell myself “The only opinion about me that matter is mind”. People can judge me all they want but I will not allow it to effect me anymore. I have to still work on my social skills and my self esteem. I know that the longer I go in nofap the better I get at communicating with people but my low self esteem going to talk a lot more work than that. The reasons for my low self esteem is because when I was younger I use to get bullied for having an speak impediment and from being poor. I think being bullied for my speak impediment is the reason why I’m so anti social now. I been trying to fix my self esteem but I never feel like I desevered to gave anything good because of were come from; I still can’t fix that mindset.

That is all for today.

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Day 3: I’m starting to realize how useless porn is to me because all it is you touching yourself while someone elso has sex with a girl that you like. I finally got rid of my crush on that girl now; I just see her as an normal person that isn’t important to me anymore. I feel like I’m free now since my mind isn’t focused on her every minute now; I can finally do things because I want to do them and not just so I can impress her. To anyone reading this do not get crushes or you will lose your freedom of thought; that person will infect your mind like an virus. Today when i woke up for school I didn’t have to force myself to get out of bed and I also need 4 hours of sleep to operate for a whole day. Some may say that this is unhealthy but I see sleep as an waste of time so I try to get a little of it as possible.

I’m becoming very good at table tenis but the problem is I only have one friend on my level that I can practice against. It is very hard for me to play against bad players because they don’t know how to hit the ball correctly. I have fully commited to the idea of not killing myself because I want to be able to one day live in an good house and help my mom get out of poverty so she won’t have to spend all of her life being poor. That is my top motivation right now; when I don’t feel like doing anything in class I think about my mom and I become motivated again. I still my not like her but I’m starting to realize how hard she is working just so I can have things she couldn’t get when she was a child.

My 2 biggest motivations are my mom and my promise to myself that I will not die poor.I will not fail no more I will get 33 days so I can be successful like my role models.

Floyd Mayweather is one of my role models because he shows what hard work and dedication can get you.

End of today journal.

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Day 0: I’m done with all the talking I do on here I’m going to start taking more action. I will make the journals short but detailed. Today I fell asleep in Math class and we a test tommorow that I will try to pass. I started playing basketball again in the gym today; I usually would just play table tenis or sit down because it boring in the gym. I’m going to follow the motto of my old main on super smash bros 4 Ryu “Talk is cheap”; I will talk less and act more to get what I want.

Its hard doing this challenge when you have nothing to live for but other people; I have no actual goals I want to achieve in life.

End of today.

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Do things that make you happy. You wanted to be happy right? Who doesn’t. The world is a big place . Explore it , cherish it with everything you have. It’s better to take risk and face rejection in the outside world than sitting in a room jerking off. Those outside world consequences will make you stronger.

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How did you find what make you happy? I been searching for things that I could do other than be on my phone but most of the things I think of are not moving towards something. I just want an goal to work toward so I can feel like I have a chance at being somebody.