IWantToBeHappy's Daily Journal

Thank you for the advice and the complimemt about comparing me to great boxers like Ali and Tyson.

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Day 3: The Day Of Good Feelings

Today was kind of just an normal day; I woke up this morning feeling great even though I only got 5 hours of sleep last night. That might be because last year I had weight training and only slept 3 hours a day; it didn’t effect my workouts at all I just took a lot of naps when i got home. Me and my friends played dodge ball today in the gym my team won 2 times in a row than we stop taking the games serious and lost some games. My team was good but we had to go against my friend that is good at baseball and football so if we didn’t get him out we would lose every game. We won the first two games because my whole team targetted him so we would have a chance of winning. I got a few people out but I mostly stay on defense and dodge every thing and taunt the other team for missing so they would target me and my team can hit them. I had a math test today that I think i made a B on but my grade is still low because of the online test I have to make up. I’m getting very good at understanding spanish but the biggest issue is that I still don’t understand when people speak Spanish because they say it fast. I will get 15 days on streak because of I want to become a boxer I must have energy and the ability to motivate myself. Once I reach 15 days I will increase it by 15 days again and make a new motivation that will drive me to not want to quit. I also made myself accept that money is more important than love and that it is ok to die alone. Last year I use to think about getting a girlfriend a lot but than I notice that it was the reason I kept relapsing and that it was the reason I lost my 32 day streak. To be honest I care more about being successful than I do about other people that might be the reason why I can be cold hearted and emotionless toward people. I don’t even care about my family; I will protect them but I don’t have any feelings for them at all. I ran out of things to talk about so I will end it here.

          🎵Favorite Songs Of The Day🎵

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              🏆Daily Achievement🏆

My best achievement of today is that I finally can get people out of dodge ball; this is an achievement to me because I use to suck at throwing . Now i get people out like it nothing and I catch the dodge balls too. Today I made a cool catch; the other team threw a ball and my friend used a ball to bounce it into the air so I ran and caught it out. I got the person out .

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Day 4 : Realized How Confident I am

Today I didn’t do anything in P.E so I could save my energy for Math class because I want to get a scholarship so if boxing don’t work out I can get out of poverty another way. I finally did push ups again after 6 months of not doing them ; I remember that when I was in 6th grade I would do about 1000 push ups a day just so I could impress my old crush. Now that I think about it that was stupid because I never was going to make a move but it was a great motitvator. I’m starting to get my intelligence back ; the way I know this is because I understand math a lot more easier now. Today in spanish class the teacher was asking people if they wanted to present today or tomorrow most of them were scared to get up. I was the only one to present my homework today; the reason why is because I kind of like public speaking even though I’m anti sicial. I Will Get To 15 Day On This Streak No Matter What. Trying to quit pmo is like a Rocky movie you keep getting knocked down and keep getting up every time you are knocked down but I won’t be knocked down anymore. I have no more to say.

          🎵Favorite Songs Of The Day🎵

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                  🏆Daily Achievement🏆

My greatest achievement of today is not getting scared of messing up when giving a public speech. I learnt that everyone mess up so if someone laugh at me when I mess up while giving a public speech I will laugh at them when they mess up. This will show them how it feels to be laughed at for making a mistake and I’m sure they won’t like it.

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Hell yea. Looks like u pushed yourself alot this day. Public speaking was always a hard thing… and def good metaphor bout you and Rocky going thru the struggle to come up on too and better yourself

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Everyone gets nervous and mess up while public speaking. But once you are in the flow , you can make things up. It’s totally normal :grin:

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Day 5 : Decreased Competitiveness

Today the I play dodge ball and lost but I really didn’t care. My competitiveness is starting to go away; to me this is bad because it is what makes me work hard to improve at thing and lets me release my anger. This is boring but I have to type this so I can get rid of my frustrations. Everyday I’m getting better at math again; I have a F right now but I’m working on turning it to an A. I never really could put effort into anything because of this addiction I would usually settle for C’s but I need a scholarship. My internet really starting to piss me of I had typed more than this but lost connection so I lost all my work I typed. I don’t feel like typing it again so I will just leave it out. I will get a 15 day streak because I want to stop having sucidial thoughts everyday it getting very bad again.

               🎵Songs Of The Day🎵

            🏆Daily Achievement 🏆

My daily achievement of today is I have got some of my focus back. Before this addiction when i was focused on doing something I would not stop until I did what I said I would do and if someone tried to talk to me I would keep working and ignore them. I want to have that kind of focus again because I use to get a lot of things done fast and I use to make A’s in school without trying.

I thought I posted my stuff yesterday but guess my internet messed up again when i sent it.

I’m just going to stop doing daily journal on here; this app is too laggy and it freezes every time I get ready to post my favorite songs. I can’t deal with it anymore sorry for those of you that wanted to read about daily life; I just had enough of dealing with have to keep on retyping paragraphs I written before.

I have decided to start this again because when I was doing this I could hold streaks that were long. This time I won’t do the music videos and daily achievement that took too much time to do.

Day 1 : Today has been tough because of all the urges but I been doing research on meditation and found out that it can help with urges. I’m going to start meditating 30 minutes a day at 8pm everyday. I have got to the point where I will do anything to stop watching and thinking about porn. Meditation can help me not think about anything and just exist without any thoughts about anything. I will do it to help me go a whole month without porn than if can help me go that long I will meditate everyday until I’m dead. I have started calling myself a different name because I don’t want to be called the name of someone that didn’t want to change their life. I usually don’t workout anymore because I have no goals anymore but I found out it can help with urges so I will workout after I meditate everyday. I’m going to change myself back to the way I use to be; the person that was addicted to exercise and would go 5 hours a day working out. I might not be able to train like that anymore but I will do effective exercises to gain my strength back. I am only going to do body weight exercises because lifting weights make you slower. That is all for today.

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Day 2: Today was a very chill day I sat on my phone most of the day watching YouTube of my favorite game X Com 2 with star wars mods. I finally understand why people with big streaks meditate; it help you learn how to ignore your thoughts. When ever I get an urge now I just breath like I do when I meditate and the urges fade away. I believe that if you can ignore your thoughts than you will never have the urge to watch or look at porn. My workout was very tough for me today even though it was just 70 push ups and 35 squats. I’m proud of myself because at the last few reps on the pushups I had to push myself to finish even though my arms were very numb. I’m starting to get my determination back and I love the feeling of doing completing a task that was very tough. I found a new motivation to workout which is to use it as a way to beat urges. I will never go back to the old me every again ; any time I get an urge I will just focus on my breathing. I also got an new motivation which is to have the highest grade in my math class I been studing all of my weakness and now I only have one weakness left. That it for today.

Meditation is key to beating urges

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Day 3 : I’m starting to realize that meditation doesn’t help you get rid of your thoughts; it help you learn to ignore your thoughts. My belief in meditation is growing everyday. I’m starting to automatically ignore my thoughts now because I changed my breathing sytle so it is similar to meditation breathing pattern. My workout today was 5 minutes of elbow planks and 5 minutes of extend arm planks; I do this so I can increase the amount of push ups I can do. Planks are also good for getting stronger core muscles.I didn’t do push ups and squats today because my body was too sore. I can finally smile again; it use to be impossible for me to smile but it still feels uncomfortable for me to do. Anyone elso that is reading this I highly recommend learning how to do mindful meditation if you want to beat this porn addiction. That is all for today.

:key:Mindful meditation is the key to ending your addition to porn.:key:

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Hey buddy
Great to see that you are doing well.
Meditation definitely is a powerful tool. It helped me a lot in this journey.
I would just slightly correct one thing. I feel like it should be more like realizing that there is a thought, comprehend what it is about and then directing your mind away from it.
But maybe we mean the same :slight_smile:

Keep your work up :slight_smile:

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Day 4:
Today I discovered that I have gained a lot of confident and that I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Meditation has made me have a very calm attitude toward every situation ; I no longer get angry when people ask me stupid questions now. My workout for today was 10 bear crawls down my hallway ; to be honest I would rather do 100 push ups than ever do that again. I wanted to do 15 bear crawls but my arms could barely support my body weight anymore when i got to 7 so I decided to do 10 only. For some reason I have a feeling of wanting to improve my life but I also feel like I would rather sit down and do nothing. I feeling like this is holding me back from doing anything that could help me not be poor anymore. I felt like this when I was playing football ; I wanted to train to get better but I chose to just sit around nd just watch football games and study it rather than train. I still had talent but skill is more important than talent so I wasn’t as good as I should have been. That is all for today.

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Day 5: Today I got a little depressed because my teacher started talking about some of his old students that were good at certain skills. He said that one of his old students he taught makes codes for nuclear power plants now and he talked about some of his students from higher class families that were going to be doctors and lawyers. This made me realise that I don’t have any real talent other than being good at sports and that I don’t have a chance of getting out of poverty. I’m starting to hate life more and more everyday but one thing I hate more than life is people that make porn. I also know that depression can lead to relapse so I been very careful to not let my emotions blind me from my goal which is to go 1 month of nofap. Meditation is the only reason I have not been having many urges and not feeding the sexual thoughts that come in my mind. My workout for is today was 55 push ups and 55 squats. I’m going to start increasing the reps by 20 everyday since I have decided to separate the days I do close grip and wide grip push ups. I found out that I’m very interested in learning about people like John .D. Rockefeller and Andrew carnegie because they both rised out of poverty to become the two richest Americans to ever live. I also learnt about them from the show “The Man Who Made America” it is a very good show. I also finally got my confidence back on the level that it use to be before I started watching porn ; I think meditation and my don’t give a fuck attitude is the reason for this. The less I think about wanting to quit watching porn the easier it is to forget it and than I can use the extra energy on positive habits. That will be all for today.

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Day 6: Everyday my confidence is getting better; I have gotten so confident that I don’t care what I say around other people. For example today I was trying to tell my friend why he should stop masturbating and look up nofap while we were in class. I don’t think he will though because he talks about sex too much and tries to tell me why he think masturbation is good even though I tell him what he could be without it. I have made the decision to abstain from anything sexual things for the rest of my life because I don’t want to waste my natural energy on anyone. I will use that energy to achieve goals that I have but right now I only have one goal and that is to go a whole month of nofap. My workout for today was 55 close grip push ups and 75 squats; I almost had to restart at zero because at 54 push ups I was struggling to push myself up. The way I train is if I stop while doing an exercise I have to restart at zero no matter how many reps I have done; this motivates me to not give up or take breaks. I fully understand what it means to focus on breathing in and out during meditation now ; It means to force yourself to breath in and out until your body start to breath that way naturally. I started thinking of my life as an story in an book I could make it a boring story or an story that could motivate others to rise out of poverty. I still am working on getting out of poverty but as long as I can get an A in Math than I can get scholarships. I finally found what I want to do; I want to be an engineer so I can get experience with building things from scratch so I can transform my ideas into inventions. I want to help advance space travel so it is easier. That is all for today because I ran out of things to say.

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Good to see you are sorting out your vision clearly. The first step to success is to have a vision. Now you just have to make it true.
Keep going brother :facepunch:

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