I always loved watching movies , all kind of genres. Then I started following the filmmakers , their stories , their life struggle. Then I knew I wanted to become like them. I wanted to be a writer a filmmaker. This is how I found my passion. Before this I tried in academics , in sports , even tried my hands in music but I failed miserably. I didn’t find any interest in continuing. But in filmmaking , even I have failed many times I always find a way to get up. In this way I found my niche.
So keep exploring in the fields that you usually love to do in your daily routines. Eventually you will find your niche to work on.
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Day 1 : I hate everything on this planet even myself. I’m starting to realize that I might just be too stupid to make good grades in school; my math grade is an 79 now when it use to be an 82. I got work I could do to get it up but I’m too stupid to understand how to do. I know I said I wouldn’t die poor but I’m starting to think that it my just be my destiny to be poor. I’m just going to go back to having suicide as my plan if everything fail.
END OF JOURNAL
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You said you hate everything in this planet. My friend you haven’t even seen 1% of this planet. You are still in school getting depressed about few lower grades. Don’t let emotions control you. There are so many opportunities out there, so many people out there, so many experiences out there waiting for you.
Don’t even think of suicide, it might look an easy way to escape from lil problems but what about those who loves you who cares for you. Take risks , take chances , people have the heart to want success, money etc., but do they have the guts to fail? Failing is the part of process.
People don’t see it but fear, pain and sufferings , this is what makes them stronger. These are your friends in disguise. They will teach you lessons that no one can.
I believe in you, change your mindset , change the game. Do it for your family.
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I understand your pain man. Just know, it’ll get better.
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Day 1 again : the first step to a month clean of PMO
I gave into the urges last night but I also learnt an valuable lesson from it. In my post relapse mindset I realized that I had many chances to quit what I was doing before I decided to relapse. I chose to be an failure instead of persevere and push through the tough urges like an champion would.
My new goal is to get rid of this addiction before I turn 18 so, that mean I have 2 more months left. I been reading other people post and I’m going to start limiting myself to 3 hours a day on my phone; I believe my phone plays an major role in influenceing my mind to give into urges. This means I will stop using my phone at 7pm because I get home at 4pm but I will still do my post on here at 10 or 11 pm.
End of today journal.
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Day 2: Step 2nd to month clean
Today was almost a good day at school until I got to math class. I failed the test that we had in math. This journal will be short because I’m tired right now. When my internet hours were up I went outside to throw my football to myself and I thought about life.
End of today journal
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Day 3: Today my mom took me to go look for new clothes but I only found one pair only. My need dream is to make all hawk species in the united states extinct because my pet was kill by one. That was the only thing on this planet that I actually cared about and now it is gone. This happened 2 years ago but I can’t stop think thinking about killing every hawk I see. I have starting using every trick to nofap I know of because I really want to finally complete No Nut November.
I meditate Don’t stay up pass 2pm. Limit internet time. Go outside more often. Keep my hands off my parts. No sexual thoughts. Don’t encourage sexual thoughts. Get rid of crushes. Don’t look at females lower half. Wake up early. Avoid being depressed. Pee before bed. Cold showers and Get out of comfort zone by talking to people.
I’m still wired when I talk to new people but I have a lot of confidence.
- End of today journal*
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You are still young my young padawan.
If you are still thinking about suicide, talk to us.
Not talking about it can actually backfire.
I know how it feels to be depressed and to want to kill yourself.
There are no more advices from me, as people have written them above. But know that things will pass, and when you are older, you will come to understand that.
Stay in school for now. Passion will come with self-discovery. Go out, contribute, kill every hawk with a slingshot, make love to a woman, volunteer for Animal wildlife conservation etc. You will find meaning.
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The more you control your thoughts on sexual desires, the more you obsess over them. I suggest to not be too strict or over-control yourself such as “Don’t look at females lower half” etc. Its normal, its your teenage raging hormones.
I still look at a womans ass and breasts but I just let my thoughts pass “wow nice ass, va va voom”, that:s it. No fantasizing, no rumination, and just breathe. i swear, the more I try to avoid thinking about it, the more it comes up later which leads to relapse. Lol.
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Day 4: I have found my favorite quality about myself. It is that I over prepare for everything; if it is something important I think about every situation and how it could go wrong. For example since my bus comes to pick me up at 7:15am I wake up at 5am so I can have 2 hours to get ready. I do this so if I forgot something I will have enough time to do it still. I have had an very intense pain in my head for most of the day; it feels like my head is about to explode. I had to stay in bed all day because of the pain so I just been watching YouTube. Taking cold showers are making it easier for me to adapt to the cold faster; I always wear shorts no matter how cold it is and people call me weird for it.
That all for today
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Day 5: Today at school was very boring. I’m starting to learn to recognize when I’m about have an urges and I’m more aware of when I’m having them. Today I was having some sexual thoughts but than I realized that if I keep all allowing myself to have these thoughts I will fail No Nut November. I also I started saying affirmations every time I get an urge; I usually say “I will won’t allow myself to fail” or " I will do all I can to not fail No Nut November". I made going the whole month of November porn free my primarly goal for now.
When I woke up this morning I felt great because I got 7 hours of sleep instead of 5 hours of sleep. I’m getting very good at adapting to the cold; I have gotten so good at it that I even wear shorts when it is 40 degrees outside. I take pride in not showing any signs of being cold and being able to wear shorts in the cold.
That is all for today
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Day 6: Today I didn’t do anything in social studies class because it is all useless any way. My biggest problems in school is that I never have the energy to want to do my homework so my grades have been dropping. I can’t force myself to do things that I don’t care about that might be why my math and Spanish grades are now lower. I’m going back to my rule that I have to avoid looking at girls lower half because mind is too focused on their lower half and I don’t want to allow any sexual thoughts in my mind. When ever I have sexual thoughts about a girl I tell myself that I’m too poor and it would never work; this does the trick everytime. My emotions are dead right now; I don’t feel anything it’s not a flat line it just how I have changed myself so I can get better at abstain from sexual things.
I did this early than I usually do today because I kept falling asleep and I didn’t want to mess up my streak of daily post.
End of Today Journal
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Day 7: Today is the changing point in my life; I no longer will allow any of my time to be wasted. I have made an schedule for my school days but I have to work on my weekend schedule. I made a schedule for myself because I been focusing on why I used to fail a lot and the thing I noticed most was that everytime I have relapsed it was during my free time. I had too much free time so I made it so I would only have 3 hours of free time and the rest would be productive time.
I have decided that I will put all my effort toward school now and not change my mind no matter what. I have got my grade in math to an 85 now and I found a way to always have a good day at school. I have starting bringing my phone to school so I can listen to my music and I found out that having headphones in make the music song better. It allows you to hear every instrument that the song has in it.
Today was an great Day for me.
End of. Today Journal
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Day 8: Today will be short journal. Had a lot of urges today about a girl; couldn’t get her out of my head. I will not fail np nut November. I study math for most of the day and I’m working on how to read faster for an test. I’m too tired to type anymore.
End of journal
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Day 9: Today I spent half of my day working on Math and Spanish. I don’t feel tired from Stud ing like I did yestersay; my energy levels are increasing everyday. I worked 5 hours straight on just doing my math work on DeltaMath and 1 hour 30 minutes on Spanish home work. I didn’t really give myself much free time because free time is time where you have a higher chance of relapsing. I have changed my mentality from looking at things and saying I can’t do it to how can I find a way to do it. When I think about being born into poverty I just see another reason to work harder to get where I want to be.
This morning I was having urges about girls in my classes and after breaking out of that trap I realized how disugishing my those thoughts were. After I got rid of the urge I felt like I gained more self control.
I have changed from being a lazy person that doesn’t care about being anything to Some one that will not allow myself to fail.
End of today
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I’m glad to hear you are approaching the day differently man, that’s the right attitude!
Life is what we make it and it’s too short to waste it.
Reading some of your journals from a little while ago, I’m also happy to see you are seeing your mother in a different light. I know when I started to see my mother differently like that, I was able to establish a much stronger bond with her. We are so much closer now and her support has been amazing.
When we start to look at the positives in our life, see what our family has done for us, see what God has blessed us with, and see where we can honestly make a difference, we can start to truly see change for the better.
Doesn’t mean things won’t be hard, but it’s different, we are stronger and we know we can find the answers, even if it’s not clear at the moment.
Keep fighting brother 
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The thing that made me change the way I view life was looking at dead bodies of people that lived a long time ago like in the 1700s. They use to be people that were alive just like me but now they are just skeletons of who they use to be. This made look at death in a whole new way; once you are dead you no longer can do anything but decay. These thoughts are the reasons why I decided to waste no more time and to work a lot harder so I can get to where I want to be.
I look at it like this I might be young now but one day I will be old and dead so I want to live life as much I can before I become an decaying corpse.
The best thing from this now is that I no longer have suicidal thoughts because I never really wanted to die; I just wanted to live a better life.
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“Every man dies, but not every man truly lives”
- Braveheart.
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Day 10: I woke up early today so I could go outside and get energy from the sunlight; I also master throwing rocks at my mail box. You have to bring your arm over your head and release when you get to your chest. I stayed inside most of the day after that and just played games. Everytime I get an urge I just look at the date and than I gain motivation because I made a promise to go the whole month. I will not allow my self to relapse again. The last time I had this many days was when i first downloaded this app and I will beat my old streak of 10 days. On YouTube I made a rule that if any of the YouTube’s I watch post anything that has sexual content or sexual thumbnail I will just unsubscribe. I have came so close to edging this morning but I remember what The Famous Rapper 50 cent said " Just Keep Your Hands Off Your Penis". Those words has saved my streak two days in a row; I get urges when i go to bed but I have started to enter lock my fingers and place them on my chest. I can’t touch my penis if my hands are locked together.
If you don’t touch your penis you can’t relapse and always stay busy or you will relapse.
A busy mind does not have time to think about sex.
End of journal.
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Very true words man.
That’s an interesting take about the dead bodies but I 100% agree.
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