I am killing myself (My PMO story)

Diary
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My P story
Hey brothers/sisters , it was like last week of april 2019,i fapped for the very first time, i was jerking for more than 30 minutes and then i ejaculated for the first time. I was 12 that time now i am 14 years old​:pensive::pensive:. Back in 2015 i was in class 4 , i searched for haldi ghati (to know about it) , i was watching that video then suddenly i saw a recommendation of a :face_with_symbols_over_mouth: video, then i wanted more so i searched for that kind of girls on google and i opened website and saw girls having DK in their mouth, i was like eww, then i watched video of girls stripping their clothes off and i liked that watched for more than 3 hours that day . Then my father seen all the searches and the website (idk how he saw i deleted every search, but the website flashing on the top and i used all the net pack of that day or month i dont remember ). After someday my friends told me about :face_with_symbols_over_mouth: i searched it and i watched photos and started searching my favorite cartoons, actresses with that black word __ :persevere::persevere:(till then my father forgot everything about that ) .

Then in my 5th class my father had a lyf phone with high speed internet pack for 1 year for free(jio 4g​:sweat_smile:) and started to watch porn regularly and thought I will stop it after my birthday. But i didn’t, i watched cartoon P (that derived me crazy) i tried to fap but semen didn’t came out that time (jerked for 2 for 2 minutes ). Then one day i watched ‘Sultan’ movie of salman khan(i think i got emotional that time as he lost his first son and his sad story). Then i decided i won’t watch p anymore , and i did that :innocent:. I watched that once in 2-3 mid of 2017 and stopped watching that shit totally. But when i was in 7 or 8 , i also rubbed my part for more than 15 minutes while bathing and semen didn’t come. But had nightfalls between the period of 2017-2019 , i was like what’s this , i was scared that time .

My PMO story

In 2019 the moment came, i was like I won’t stop until i ejaculate like the P actors, i was sweating, my palms were paining​:persevere: and i stopped in between and finally after 30 or 40 minutes of rubbing my semen comes out, i was just looking at my semen that was so thick, i was surprised and happy when it came out after that ,i was feeling bad :pensive::pensive: . But i wanted more so i started to do it regularly using soap while bathing. But then after 2 weeks of fapping regularly (almost twice ), i used to fap once (mostly twice) in every 3 days, i had shoulder pain and lower back pain that time, my parents were worried and my mother cried sometimes when i screamed because of pain and i recovered from it but still feel pain in my shouldets sometime(pain was really really intense really intense) . Till September i fapped once or twice every 3 days . Then in October 2019 , i started to workout and i fapped once in every 5 days.

After that i had a new year resolution for 2020 but relapsed at the start of the year, i loved a girl from the end of 2018 just for her ,from 2nd January i had a streak of 16 days. I was happy but :sob::sob: i relapsed (she wasn’t my gf but she was my crush we used to see each other every day) i was addicted to watch her everyday and she also watched me daily at the same time in evening, she was like my motivation, whenever i fapped i wasn’t able to see her because of work this really happened with me and yeah when i relapsed at 1st jan, i saw her and promised to god if i won’t fap i will see her everyday. During my 16 days streak me and she watched each other everyday twice i was very motivated, however i fapped on 17th day. After that i used to fap once in a week. Then, lockdown ruined me again i was fapping daily (and i didn’t see her during this). Then for her i controlled myself and fapped once in every 2-3 days .
After all this my birthday and diwali was about to come i had a streak of 3or 4 days, and she wasn’t coming to see me . I was really sad and my birthday came just after 1 day on 22nd November i came to know that any other proposed her and she accepted (this happened with me third time , i loved her and she also loved me but i haven’t proposed her because of my shyness will talk about it later) . I had a 1 week streak. After that i cried daily and relapsed daily.

From start of this year i did this every 1-2 days. And now i am fapping twice daily, watching p :sob::sob: and relapsing because of sexual dreams. I am getting worse day by day. I am becoming fat again, previous year i worked hard i had good physique (but results were slow because of M) after accident(dec 2020) i came on track very harldy in February of this year but again i am not working out, becoming fat. I can’t wake up early :sob:, i procastinate.

Things i lost:
My charm and attractiveness
My hairs
I haven’t grown taller since last 3 years i want to grow taller.
Lost my good physique
Lost stamina

My will power is over now. But i will try best to have 136 days streak as my birthday present (2 weeks earlier i was about to give myself 150 days present) .

Till now i tried many things to stop fapping, i tied plastic, thread on my DK(private part) and it is really painful when my peni* erect while sleeping i cutted that thread today (i did this many times with me to stop), i used a very sticky bandage on my part to stop ( i used a whole roll), cutted there with blades, and tied rubber because of which my peni* had cuts and started to bleed and today i had a cut too because of yesterday’s thread. But i can’t control myself :sob::sob:.

I am dying , i am a loser :cry::cry:. Please help me @Jaskeerat, @NhTbH , @kanu, @keats , @PhysicsChampion , @TheBigSP , @rewire_user , @The_integrous_one i want to get out of it :sweat::sweat:. Main kya se kya ho gaya :sob:. I don’t know who am i now.

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Bro plz don’t do these type of things… Everything passes. Stay Strong.Why you are giving that girl so much importance , she doesn’t even care about you and you are fapping daily coz of her…It’s very important to stay busy and workout everyday along with meditation in this nofap journey… Whenever urges hit go immediately take a cold shower and start meditating after it. Urges will disappear…

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:flushed::flushed::flushed::flushed::flushed: What are you doing !!! Youare following fake solution…who said this ?? You can’t do nofap if you are not doing exercises and meditation…

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And don’t tell the details about your story…it may be triggering content for someone !!!

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Bhai
This is literally like MY Story
This means you aren’t alone bro
I’m with u in this

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Yeah, i have moved on, just fapping became my habit because of those days . Getting over it.

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This all came in my mind to stop this :no_mouth::no_mouth:

I have edited some of it’s part, is it ok now brother.

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:open_mouth::open_mouth:

Thanks a lot bhai

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No problem bro
We’ll figure something out

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Bro, My story is almost same as yours
But I have Improved alot in the past 1 year,
I used to M everyday, sometimes twice. I was a studious guy, when I came In my 10th Class, I didn’t knew at that time but My frequency of fapping was reduced, Now, after 1.5 years, I came to know about the difference, that was I HAD A GOAL tht I have to score good marks In my boards, people around me were continuously motivating me, that pushed me, and after all I managed to Score 96% In My boards and ranked 3rd in My school. But then, comes the decreasing slope of the graph, I became distracted in the lockdown, the reason behind this was that my goal is completed, Now What? so I continued visiting my harem unknowingly, which indeed resulted in my bad marks.
The Moral is Have A Goal which should be for lifelong, divide it into small parts, and consistently run behind it

I’ll give you some tips down here which I have followed :

  1. Install Bulldog Blocker & Blocksite ( block all the triggering sites like insta, facebook,etc.)
  2. Filter your YT ( remove unnecessary subscribtions )
  3. Do regular meditation ( Install Medito app )
  4. Be Spiritual - (This helped me alot). you can read spiritual books like Bhagwat Geeta , or watch spiritual Personalities like SadhGuru, Swami Mukudananda
  5. Also Read Easypeasy Book
  6. Maintain Positive Affirmation, You can also listen to Audio books ( I listen to it every Sunday)

I think that’s enough, I know its difficult, but brother, If you managed to follow even 70% of the above things, you will surely grow, cuz Success is small steps towards your goal.
And plz stop torturing your self, it’s like giving up eating just because your becoming fat
Hope this will help👍

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There is no time for caution brother and you need stop thinking you are a loser. You are not a loser throw away that mindset of yours. With hope and hard work everything is possible. If you go back into your life and look how much serious effort have you paid towards stopping this bad habit. How much mindful and smart you have been while beating this addiction. If you Put in enough effort then you can achieve more than 1000day streak. Just focus on your primary aim for me it is to join army and for joining army I need to train both physically and mentally so I am just working on both. Have your own natural drive I am advising you to not depend on anyone else to help you because in this world every man is for himself. Though I motivate you but after all I won’t message you every hour to ask how are you and are you having urges? Be independent man we can only show you the way but it is you who has to walk it, we can tell you the technique to jump from a cliff to another but it you who has to take the leap of faith.
I want to see you making 18 days streak after this brother @PowerfulNFPWarrior I want to see a warrior within you now!

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My goal is almost same. And yeah congrats for that.

Yeah thanks a lot brother.

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This struck me like lightning bro. Thank you. I will try to be more confident and achieve at least 20 days for starters… My highest streak was 13 btw

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Salute to you, that’s why you have a spirit of soldier

Yeah :face_with_head_bandage::face_with_head_bandage:

At any cost this time, will have 18 days streak till 26 july. I will meditate, workout, listen geeta, study 3-4 hours , every possible thing to get out this shit

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Begging in the prayers, crying, wont solve anything my friend. This is nofap. We choose to do it not because its easy but because its hard.
No one told you it is going to be that easy and that makes me more inspired. Be ready for every challenge, be ready for everything. At the end it all comes to you whether to face the reality or run from it.
From every defeat you face, take it as another opportunity to be better rather than cursing yourself. You have a whole life awaiting for you.
Know that its just temporary defeat not a permanent failure

All the best ! :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thanks a lot brother.

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looks like you already got good pieces of advice. I would also suggest you to watch ‘I am Lucid’ 's no fap motivational videos

This one was particularly good. There are other good videos too on his channel. This is an old video he was at day 217 then and now he is on 1000+ streak.

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Brother, Literally what are you doing man :frowning: ! Can’t you be more grateful that you are able to find out about this addiction so early. You maybe in class 10th now since you were in class 4 in 2015. Bro, I don’t like the sound of your ways of dealing with the problems. You are doing way more damage yourself then what PMO would do. Is this how you deal with problems by increasing more problem. Brother, Seek for the real solution. NOFAP This is the hard I have been struggling with it from more than 1 year now. And I have been addicted to this stuff for more than 10 years now, probably more than half of my current age.

Still, this community is helping me in many ways. Seeing people fall, encouraging them to get back up, not giving up all these thing make me happy that I am fighting along side thousands of people. I feel blessed, to be part of NOFAP at least I am better than those people who think PMO is good. I feel good when I come-out with something that helps others to fight this addiction. I feel good when I get to know that somebody just beat an urge with the method I told them, whether staying busy or watching anime at the time of urge. I just don’t care whether it’s wasting time or whatever but at that moment when we are alone and our mind is continuously pushing us to do PMO. I feel like I have two personalities inside of me, One that trying to become the one that I admire and one that just want to continue what’s going on, opposing the change running away from reality, running away from this world hardship and finding pleasure in PMO, running from real problems in life. Running away slowly became my habit before I realized it. But That’s just not it, I won’t Give up. Giving up will make things worse, If I am able to pull this off, If just I am able to avoid the chaser or Just increase the gap between two PMO sessions. I consider it achievement as well :+1: :100: :white_check_mark:

Brother, You might lose many more times, that doesn’t mean you lost the war, You got an opportunity to improve might happen that your mistake of yours cost you a high streak, It’s good to know about your weakness earlier. Every time you do a mistake remember it and try to avoid that same mistake, If you fall again learn from that new mistake, Avoid it next time. Soon, You will be able to eliminate all the mistakes. And then you will become strong. This is a test brother, To get control over ourselves, a lesson to stay away from other kinds of addiction. A level up boost !

Only the ones who have experienced it can tell what an addiction is, others might thing this is simple. They see a smoker and say to them, “Just don’t do it, It’s in your hand, Leave it” It’s not simple as that. Be Grateful to whatever you have brother, Don’t think your life is messed up, It’s just the beginning brother, Think of it as a stepping stone to make you stronger for the real world you are going into. Don’t run away with problems, You are basically hurting yourself brother. Don’t do it. Seek Help and Implement on those ideas and improve, Implementation is the hardest bro

Just Do whatever is required to beat this addiction, Meditate, Workout, study or listen to Youtube videos, watch anime. If You get Failed again, Get back up and Try again. :fire: :100:

Good Luck Brother, There is still long way to go. Just Keep Moving Forward until You achieve Freedom :blue_heart:

If You don’t Fight, You can’t win. The Only way to win is to Fight :triumph:

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This is my favorite quote from ATTACK ON TITAN!

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Bro i already said u, that u need to believe in yourself, without even working on yourself how came you got conclusion, that i can’t able to do, plz stop saying that and keep working on yourself, and try to ignore that girl, better is to focus on your future rather than girl,

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