My mind is full of thoughts. There are too much of them and I don’t even know what to think about it. Too much feelings.
I was home few days ago. I was surprised of how weak I can be, even though I’m on nofap for quite long time now. I came there maybe to relax a bit, I entered my room. Somehow my first thought was to play pc. So I was playing and thought why not watch some porn for a moment. I have opened it and closed immediately. I was struggling. I did it few times. These images got stuck in my mind. II gave up studying, keeping diet, working out, stretching. I was only playing pc.
I’m going back home for Easter in a few days. I won’t repeat these mistakes. I need to have my day planned.
For me a must-do is working out. Without it I can’t improve myself in any area. This week I was like “maybe tomorrow”. I wasted this week completely. I was feeling down.
So finally yesterday I have visted church. After all these nofap, my progresses, my happiness, me feeling emotions finally… I felt in church like in the Heaven. Only me and the God. I was so happy. When I left church I felt the feeling I was missing the most for last few months. The feeling of love towards people. People looked so good. They are full of dreams, hopes, worries, experiences, desires. Their eyes are talking about what’s inside them. It’s magic. I just want to say “hello, how are you” to everyone. I’m curious about how they are doing. I see colourful birds singing above my head. I see first flowers this year. I love that feeling.
I somehow managed to attend my dancing class this week. But there were too many people and I didn’t have an opportunity to dance with the girl I like. We only talked for a minute after class. And there’s another girl that obviously tries to pick me up. I know what she feels. I don’t want to make her sad. I don’t know how to stop her from doing it. My mind is messed.
I had a phone call from the doctor(not visit due to pandemic). I hoped she could give me some refferals for examinations. But no. I need to wait another 2 weeks to meet her personally and then she’ll give me those referrals. Wasting of time.
Too much thoughts and feelings for me. It somehow stops me from living.
Recently I discovered some stuff about praying, studying and working out. It somehow works for me. That’s what I want to do during my days. It’s encouraging me. I’m posting some of them below.
My life is very succesfull this year. 3 months passed. I need to reconsider my priorities and decide what was good and what was bad. I started yesterday in bed, I will finish today and wrote down. So far I was mostly building my new self so that I don’t fap. Now it’s time for the next level.