Hubinho's Diary

Thanks, @Yitzchak . I think you’re right. I’m trying to achieve my goals. One of them is to be closer to God again. It’s the Lent starting today. I think it’s good opportunity. As they say, when there’s God on the first place, then everything is on the right place. It not gonna be easy, but I’ll try.

Today I reached 25 days. If my translation of this app is correct, I’m the Knight now. It can be the first Lent free of pmo ever. It’s going to be great :slight_smile:

3 Likes

I’m out on the dancing camp. Feeling good. I’ll be back on monday.

2 Likes

I was away from this app for few days. I’m back at the dormitory. I don’t like writing on the phone and there’s roommate having a sight on my pc all the time. Which is good, I don’t have urges at all.

I was only checking streaks of people which I follow. It was sad view recently. But lost battle can turn into won war. I pray for them.

Contacts with the girl are average recently. I’m not sure if I can trust her. She says that her family members have covid and she’s stuck at home for quarantine.
On the other hand the “plan b” girl. I’m losing contact with her. I have new schedule for the new semester and I must change dance class.

I’m getting quite impatient about my bodybuilding progress. I do it to be bigger and stronger, that’s my priority. I keep diet, I eat ~3500kcal a day, 2g of proteins per kg, 400-500g carbo. I work out 4 times a week. Now I started running 3 times a week. I work out for almost a month now and I see no difference. Only thing is that I can do 5% more reps.

I need to be more productive. I have programming course and I thought I can do it till the end of the february. I have no chance now, I’m too lazy. I promise to improve in the following days.

5 Likes

I missed you.

From reading this, it’s great from what I hear. You’re still doing good. But I still sense a bit of temptation. Love is kind and love is patient.
We can not rush someone whether that be for satisfaction or something else. In marriage, no matter what hardship you go through. You still stick together, for you are one.
I believe this is a time to prepare you for that. If you already have a girl, you should learn to love her and be there for her. That doesn’t mean physically. If she has covid or her family does, instead of focusing on ourselves, we should pray and help them feel better.
What is this of “plan b” girl. I am sorry brother, but that is wrong. Girls are not something we can just use and discard as we please. They are our sisters. Humans. We are to love everyone the same. For He loves us the same.

2 Likes

You’re right. I need to be loyal and patient. The thing is I don’t know her. We met 2 months ago and since we met only 3 times. I met her from a website where you got random girl and we prayed for each other’s good wife/husband. Every week we got few sentences from each other. After month we could decide whether to exchange emails or not.
She seems nice, clever, etc. But I can’t fall in love in smb I don’t now. She had mask and I saw her without mask only for few minutes. I tell her straight that it’s important for me to meet more often, to know each other better. She doesn’t reply about it at all. We just chat about nothing and days are passing.
I shouldn’t call anyone “plan b”. But there she is. She was attending my dance classes. I felt great when dancing with her, we had some nice talks. She likes me. I don’t know if it’s anything more, as she’s nice for everyone. But there’s a group of people she likes more and I’m in this group.
Now I will have no contact with “plan b” as I must change dance class. I hope to meet the first girl finally or finish this “relationship”. Then we’ll see.

2 Likes

I’m happy.

I’m satisfied with myself, with work I do, with my mindset. I know that I’m capable of happiness. I can achieve anything I want(maybe because I don’t dream of being rich or famous xd). I want to be good person. I work and I get the outcome. I sleep in peace and wait for another day, I wake up excited about what the day will bring. The biggest prize I can get is to live in peace with myself.

Ok, everything cannot be perfect. I need to improve my productivity. From tomorrow the real test of myself begins. It’s the first day of the new semester. I’m having high hopes. First time I feel that I control my life. Let’s exchange these words into actions.

And there’s something more. Something you’d say I should stop immediately. And you’re right about that. But I think, I will continue it for some time. In the dorm I started old hbo series. I totally not recommend it as there’s quite a lot of sex. However I really love the story and characters in it. I take lessons from it. There’s a guy who always behave in a honour way, who has right system of values, who cares about what is important. I want to be like him. Mostly bad things happen to him, just because they happen or because bad people want him down, want him to give up. He knows that he’s right, he even stands humiliations with peace in his heart. He always has bravery to help weaker people.
As all my real life authorities are failing, let me watch this series and have this virtual authority of how to live the right way. I promise to watch it only in dorm with someone in the room, so that I have no urges.

2 Likes

My relationship with girl is over. I felt more and more irritated with how she’s avoiding me and time was passing. She was starting chat, but still, I felt less and less commitment from her. I thought about giving her final chance. I invited her to the cinema. If she refused, than I’d say her that it’s over. She answered with saying me that it’s over because she’s busy and I’m not what she’s really looking for. I replied saying that she seemed nice in the beginning, but it was too long time from her rejecting me in her mind to telling me that. It was not good at all. I’m relieved now. This “relationship” was the only thing that was making me sad recently. Now I’m happy again.

I have problems with sleep. Usually my roomates go to bed late. But I’m not the first to go to bed, so that’s my fault. In outcome, I’m sleepy at day. Yesterday I came to bed early. It worked, they immediately wore pyjamas and went to bed too. However, we didn’t fall asleep. We had wonderful conversation. We were recalling our memories and were talking about our friendship. They aren’t the people I’d share my secrets with. We talked about such things. We are important for each other, we are advising each other in multiple areas of life. Everyone said what was bad, what was good. I think I can call them not only roommates, but friends.

I just can’t believe it. God is blessing me generously this year. I’ve never had so much good things in my life, as I have this year. I’m happy and satisfied with my life. I have sosme worries, like I need to find job and my studies looks quite scary. I don’t care much. I just need to live in harmony with myself and values that I believe in.

2 Likes

Almost 50 days now. It’s kinda problem. I think too much about it. My record is 54 days. Last time I was thinking too much about reaching my record and I relapsed. This time I can’t make this mistake again.

Last few days my muscles were tired, I haven’t sticked to my workout schedule and wasn’t enough productive. I needed to change it and here I am. Woke up today and working. It gonna be good day.

Ok, enough talking. I need to focus. I’ll try to change thnking about my record streak to affirmation of my achievements. From tomorrow there will be Lenten teaching in my church. They say that good priest is about to come for that. It will turn my thoughts to the God for some time. That’s good.

1 Like

That’s why I don’t count the exact days. I’m a student. I have lessons every Saturday. I can remember that, for example I didn’t relapse since last lesson, or for example I didn’t relapse in March. I don’t care for the days, but I care for the urges I resist and hardships in life that I solve. Who cares how many days did you resist bro? What’s important is how you live your life. If you’re bored, that’s another problem.

1 Like

Thank you @Vardan51878 . I had your words in my mind last days. It was really helpful and I keep thinking that way.

Yesterday I came back home. Today I was sitting alone in my room and had few urges. Let’s play this game, let’s go to bed, watch some pics… I was really close to giving up. Luckily I checked that I have a lot of homework to finish today :wink: No time for porn and wasting time.

I’d say things are going good. Tomorrow I’m going to see a doctor. There’s sth wrong with my body.

2 Likes

My mind is full of thoughts. There are too much of them and I don’t even know what to think about it. Too much feelings.

I was home few days ago. I was surprised of how weak I can be, even though I’m on nofap for quite long time now. I came there maybe to relax a bit, I entered my room. Somehow my first thought was to play pc. So I was playing and thought why not watch some porn for a moment. I have opened it and closed immediately. I was struggling. I did it few times. These images got stuck in my mind. II gave up studying, keeping diet, working out, stretching. I was only playing pc.
I’m going back home for Easter in a few days. I won’t repeat these mistakes. I need to have my day planned.

For me a must-do is working out. Without it I can’t improve myself in any area. This week I was like “maybe tomorrow”. I wasted this week completely. I was feeling down.

So finally yesterday I have visted church. After all these nofap, my progresses, my happiness, me feeling emotions finally… I felt in church like in the Heaven. Only me and the God. I was so happy. When I left church I felt the feeling I was missing the most for last few months. The feeling of love towards people. People looked so good. They are full of dreams, hopes, worries, experiences, desires. Their eyes are talking about what’s inside them. It’s magic. I just want to say “hello, how are you” to everyone. I’m curious about how they are doing. I see colourful birds singing above my head. I see first flowers this year. I love that feeling.

I somehow managed to attend my dancing class this week. But there were too many people and I didn’t have an opportunity to dance with the girl I like. We only talked for a minute after class. And there’s another girl that obviously tries to pick me up. I know what she feels. I don’t want to make her sad. I don’t know how to stop her from doing it. My mind is messed.

I had a phone call from the doctor(not visit due to pandemic). I hoped she could give me some refferals for examinations. But no. I need to wait another 2 weeks to meet her personally and then she’ll give me those referrals. Wasting of time.

Too much thoughts and feelings for me. It somehow stops me from living.
Recently I discovered some stuff about praying, studying and working out. It somehow works for me. That’s what I want to do during my days. It’s encouraging me. I’m posting some of them below.

My life is very succesfull this year. 3 months passed. I need to reconsider my priorities and decide what was good and what was bad. I started yesterday in bed, I will finish today and wrote down. So far I was mostly building my new self so that I don’t fap. Now it’s time for the next level.

obraz

5 Likes

98 days lost
I was happy and at the same time I felt that I was further and further from nofap principles. It was getting easy and I stopped in improving myself. Instead of sticking to rules, I relapsed.
I’m sorry.
No purpose on regretting and crying now. Head down, back to basics and work hard. That’s all I can do now.

1 Like