Hubinho's Diary

Hello
I’m starting my diary and starting streak from scratches again. I’ve just lost my record of 70 days. I was naive as I thought that will power is enough to gain the victory. I want to achieve a lot this year in certain areas of my life. It’s evening now, it’s good time to preper some plans and ideas how to change lifestyle and how to use this diary to mark what was done and what failed each day. My life was a total chaos last 3 week. I had exams almost everyday, almost forgot what is day and night :wink: Today I wrote the last exam for now, so I can come back to reality. Summing it all up, I guess it’s the best time to start the way.
In this diary I want to summarize each day and sometimes write sth about my life. I used to have a blog and I find it nice to see how life and philosophy has changed.

I’m starting with list of areas in which I want to improve or things that I just need to do.

:one: Physically

  • Running
    My dream is to run 5km under 20 minutes. For this year plan minimum is to beat my dad during half marathon at the beggining of November.
  • Workout
    I need to gain some weight so that I’m the better than other guys not only in technique but strenght also in karate trainings.
  • Boxing bag trainings
    It’s good for stamina as running. I will use it in order not to overtrain any muscle. Hopefully my hand injury won’t come back.
  • Stretching
    I have a bet with friend, who of us is the first one to do twine.

:two: Studying

  • C/C++ programming
    All job offers after my kind of education require programming in these languages. I need to improve. Plus I’ve just bought microcontroller and I’m excited to do some projects with it.
  • Java programming
    I’ve chosen to do thesis that requires basics of Java.
  • Verilog
    I failed to find internship for summer. So I will have internship at university what requires knowledge of Verilog.
    *VHDL
    Another programming language. If I’ll fail in searching for C/C++ job, I can always search for VHDL job. So I need to remind and improve it.

:three: Work/to do stuff(short term stuff)

  • Univ projects
    Exams are done, but still have to do 2 projects. I hope it won’t take me more than 2-3 days.
  • My room
    I feel like I have too many things in wardrobe, on shelves. Need to check everything whether I need it and clean everywhere strictly.
  • Motorbikes
    I feel very ashamed of the fact that I have 2 bikes and both of them are broken and unable to ride. I need to find the tools, which used to be next to bikes but now are all over the house, buy parts, try to fix it and contact extremely busy bikes mechanic if I fail.
  • Selling
    I actually began checking what is covered in my room and found some things that are too good to threw them away. I need to make nice ads and sell them.
  • Internet
    We have very fast internet connected to house, but it sucks. I need to configure devices, check whether cables are broken and argue against internet company to receive logins to router.

:four: Free time

  • Chess
    I find it as the best way to spend short breaks during the day. 10 minutes, some mind exercise. PM me if you want to play against me :wink:
  • Books
    I feel like I need to widen my knowledge about some stuff, to create my point of view and it can be also great way to relax. I want to go to bed earlier to read a book before falling asleep.
  • Prayers
    It’s like taking a shield against urges and bad thoughts. I want to pray or at least think shortly about God few times a day. I used t do that and it felt great. I felt like God was always with me.

:five: Travel
It’s always my first thought about summer. I’m usually extremely spontanous about that. So my goal is to travel at least half a day per week. I also want to make at least two times week-long journeys. I’m getting older and I guess people aren’t so eager to take older hitchhikers, so it’s my last chance.

So these are fields I want to improve this summer. Thans to summarizing everyday, I’ll be able to check whether my plans/ideas how to make this happen are right or I need to try other way.

I’m starting this journey now with preparing plan for tomorrow, going to bed early and reading.
I know that my body is always weak after realpse. I need more sleep now and probably I’ll have problems with concentration tomorrow. I’m considering it in my plan. I’m also not a guy that sticks to detailed plan. I wrote it all so that I know what else to do during the day. I’m preparing only small tips for tomorrow.

Wake up at first alarm clock. Work till 15:00(few minutes of working out at every full hour). Then dinner, then visit friend, then running, then studying. If it gonna rain I will change friend and running to more work/study and do some boxing in the evening.

I’m inviting you for commenting. All ideas, suggestions, criticism and encouraging is welcome :slight_smile:

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I’m sorry guys. I started well with doing my stuff, but then I fall in relapsing cycle. I was too ashamed and too busy(meeting deadlines because I couldn’t focus after relapse) that I was absent here again.
Anyway. I’m going to travel in few hours. I will come back with nice streak next week and I’ll stick to plan from the previous post.
Have strenght brothers!

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Iam very happy that you’ve started your Journal bro.
You are a very inspiring person in this forum and I believe in you.
You’ve planned everything. 40% work is done.
Just execute it and become a beast day by day.
We are all with you.

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I came back from an amazing trip. I think it’s time for the short summary.

I relapsed just before trip and just after trip. The reason is so obvious to me. Computer games are boring to me, I used to play a lot but now I don’t feel I need to play any game. Unfortunately with exceptions. I guess it’s connected with some behaviours. I played strategy game that requires only one hand and is loading very long, so the other hand started touching my crotch and that’s it, so easy. I’m now deleting this game completely, I’ll be unable to reinstall it ever.

Pandemic is hard time for faith. I haven’t been to confession for 4 months(1 month usually). I need to do it this week obviously. I feel very far from the God now, I feel emptiness. I can’t be happy without faith. It’s extremely hard now when people in charge of the Church in my country are corrupted idiots. I want to be with God again and it’s my priority for now. I feel like in the crisis of faith and need to do something about it.

I have exact picture of me after holidays in my head. It’s something I want to achieve and I’m reminding myself that consistency and commitment is the only way.

Today I woke up early and made a list of things to do around house. It’s a lot small things. I’m starting working on myself from tomorrow. Today I need to prepare environment so that nothing distracts me.

I’m about to shave my hair bald. I’m quite afraid of it, but why not. Let it be the sign of my new, better life.

I’m sure I’m not gonna relapse for at least some time now. Otherwise @Tagore will come and kill me saying that I chose relapse over death. Haha! I just can’t relapse.
@comingclean thank you for support :slight_smile:

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You’re smart guy. I see that you like to spend time with a lot of intelectual activities. That’s great!

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On the day I reached 90 I shaved my head bro.
This is a new beginning for me too. Go on. Do it.
Let’s begin this journey of becoming our best self.
We are together man. Knowing that we all are fighting the same battle and striving to become the best in itself is a great motivation.

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I showed my bald head on fb. My mum’s very angry at me. I’m an adult, I’m sure she’ll get used to it, that’s not permanent.

Yesterday I had very bad day. Luckily I had no urges. On the other hand I’ve never experienced so hard first days ever. I had problems to wake up as brain fog was very strong and my head was weightng tons. I came to the city for confession, but there was no priest, I guess it’s due to some restrictions about pandemic. For the whole day I had strong headaches and was very sleepy. I did only few most important things.

I know today will be better. I woke up, went running. Came back home and mum called that they don’t come back on Monday, but today. I’m not finished doing stuff around house, so I must work 120% today. That’s good, no time for time wasting or relapsing.

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Hi I’m, back
Streak is growing :slight_smile:
It’s been complicated time. I had crysis of faith. It’s hard to believe when you see CEOs of your faith doing bad things. But I think it’s behind me now, God is a little closer to my heart now.

Then I’ve donated blood for the first time in my life. And the very next day I had strong headaches, high temperature… I spent few days in a bed and then it was hard to come back to reality. I’m still not sure why I was ill, was it because I lost a lot of blood, or because was it one of withdrawal symptoms. I guess it’s withdrawal and it makes wasting my blood a sad thing(yes, I said I’m ill and they utilized blood).

I started reading “No more mr.Nice Guy!”. It begins with description of what nice guy syndrome is. It’s like reading about my life. I hope I’ll be able to use these tips in my life and recover from this syndrome. That’s even funny how some childhood experiences are connected to porn addiction.

I’m back. I run, I workout, I study. There’s so many things I want to do(list from first post) and so little time. I need to do it thee beast mode!

I left this forum for some time as I lost a wonderful state of mind. I was loving all the people and wanted to help everyone and I treated is as a part of my recovering from addiction. After my last relapse I lost this state of mind. I don’t feel a need to check this forum. I’ll try and hope that I will love people again.

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Haha. Its my life story too brother. Our childhood experiences etc created those toxic shame and distorted beliefs in our heart. Currently Iam on break free Activity 30. You can join the NMMNG forum created by the Doc himself.

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I can’t stand it. I’m almost all the time ill. I spent few days in a bed after blood donation. Few days later I went hiking in moutains, been to the restaurant afterwards and ended up diarrhea and spent day in bed. Health is a wonderful gift.

I should be extremely busy this week, but struggling with procrastination. I must study to be granted participation in programming academy in one of the companies that hires people who succeed. I should study before to prepare for my internship that I start next week. I should do projects to finish this semester. I should do my thesis now as I have holidays. I must clean my room from floor to roof. I do nothing and I’m scared of that. I’m scared it’s easy way to relapse.

I also found fntastic tutorial. It was on the website with funny pictures. It had the most thumbs up. It amazed me, it only shows how valuable it is. It was written in polish in very unique way, I’ll try to write down what it was telling about.

Tutorial no one asked for

1. Stop porn and jerking off
It leaves you in sadness and remorses. You go to turn it off in disgust immediately after relapse. It tricks your brain that you fuck girls so you don’t need to care about anything anymore. It’s not worth your time.

2. Don’t drool at the girls.
Don’t make yourself a fool and don’t behave like a slave for them. I know you really want to have a girlfriend, but it never works. What is more, it has completely opposite outcome.

3. Shut up.
No one cares about your excuses, problems and difficult childhood. Mum didn’t hug you? who cares!!! Most of people had fucked up parents.

4. Don’t run away from insane thoughts.
Accept them. Practise them. The more you try to run away from them, the more they will be coming back.

5. Don’t listen to haters.
They only want to let you down and discourage from doing what you want in life. Screw them. They haven’t achieved anything and when they see you trying, they are terrified that you can succeed. Do you like to stick paper planes? There you go. Do it with no fuckin excuses.

6. Workout.
Healthy body, healthy mind. There’s something in it if your dad told that taking another gulp of beer.

7. Wear tidy and classy clothes.
You don’t need to spend 200$ for a tshirt with fuckin crocodile. 10$ is completely enough. I mean you can’t wear the same dirty hoodie for 7 days a week.

8. You must lie yourself.
Right now it sounds imposible but you need to try. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes not.

9. Again, you must workout.
Exercising will improve you health, your self being and self confidence. You don’t need to be like the Rock, but just change your sticky hands and girly titties into muscles.

Summary.
All the girls are the same - they want girls with mission. Someone like James Bond or Wayne Rooney, it doesn’t matter. (jerking off record doesn’t count). It’s only important that you follow your dream and improve yourself. You don’t need to look like Brad Pitt.

I’m not an author of this. I just love this. It’s so true. Could be written in a different style, but right now it’s the only recipe for happiness I believe.

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Taking a screenshot of that. It’s a great hit on the head! Thank you for sharing!
Can I get the original link?

And yes brother. It’s alright! Just get up and do it. Deal with it one thing at a time. You don’t have to worry about anything else. The work and the pain involved in it itself is what you were brought into the world by nature for. Embrace it, more so I recommend enjoy it! That is what will make you feel alive!

Don’t worry about completion, because the process is more fun!

And about the illness. I feel you brother, just take it easy, and try not to think about it too much. Psychologically we always tend to exaggerate the pain when we think about it. Illness becomes twice the time worse the moment we give it attention.
Let it go, stay healthy, listen to your body and get up.

God bless you!

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Originally it was in polish.

I relapsed. I’m sorry. Need to be cautious all the time, it was getting too easy and I wasn’t cautious. No excuse for me. My fault. I want to be judged by actions, not by talking. My actions suck.

It gonna be tough time. I need to use all my powers and known tips to fight urges.

There is big IT company. Instead of hiring people for lots of money, they do programming academy(intensive 2 months of training) and after that they hire people who finish academy. I found it out in the very last moment to apply. There was test that was supposed to qualify the best people to the academy. But they had some technical issues and decided to qualify everyone to the academy and reject few people every week. It’s going good so far. I’m about 20th after first week, 30 people will finish academy. I’m mediocre at programming, so I need to work extra hard for this plus I started internship now. I’m really stressed and tired all the time now. This academy is great opportunity for me, so I need to keep working and not relapsing. I’m a little scared of the time that is in front of me.

I don’t like when brothers relapse. It’s always sad, it’s lost hope. After @Tagore relapsed I knew that it was the last time for him. With his discipline he will never relapse again. For me it’s great motivation, it’s the only time when I can have bigger streak than him. I’m not gonna lose it and we will win freedom together :slight_smile:

I’m healthy recently, luckily. So now it’s all in my hands!

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This faith means a lot Brother @Hubinho you were there for me from the beginning of the Journey. This time I’ll give my all to not let you down. We are together. In this man. Iam 100% sure too you wont let me down. You’ll become successful bro, be disciplined and keep going. We are all with you.

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