Sigh, I was drunk and it was just a normal respite. And I think you may be getting it wrong. It’s not about having sex or being intimate with a woman. What I want is to have a connection wirh the opposite sex. To better understand and talk to them. But i cant even do that. And i dont eben know what to learn from this problem. And yes, ill admit i have sexual urges, and I’m not ashamed of it. I wish with my ex for 5 years and we were close. But when we broke two years ago, it destroyed me. And I’m still in destruction. I vowed that I could do better by getting someone better. The problem is I’m failing because, like I said, I believe God cursed me from ever getting with a girl again. I’m very certain he’s going to make me single for the rest of my life. And please, don’t compare me to Paul. He’s a better man than I could ever be. And please no more quotes from the Bible. After a while it becomes cliche and eventaully it feels kind of mesningless when you have no progress in life.
The best thing i could do is share the truth with you. You’ve just got to accept it man. I will just allow you to learn what you need to by yourself. Maybe it is something completely different then what any of us had to say. It’s your own life and everyone’s different. I just hope you come to grips with God’s word for you being truth since you are Christian. God bless.
Man, you really need to write your autobiography based on these posts of yours someday. It’s really a good dramatic story and will be just better with the good ending that you surely will reach. Just keep holding that tiny little bit of hope and eventually it will work! Keep going! It is worth. 
I am a writer but I don’t really want to write about my life. Although, is like to write about experiences within my life.
Well, breaking news everyone. I relapsed. And no one was surprised. This was after 46 days. So, yeah. Good stuff. Makes me feel proud of my myself.
In case you didn’t notice, this IS sarcasm.
On a more positive note… I suppose I’m improv8ng myself. For my journey through lent, a Christian tradition, I decided to give up certain things. The self-hate, self-pitting, and to engage in more self-love. Now, for those of you who are my Christian brothers and say, “That doesn’t count,” allow me to retort: “Shut up, yes it does. It’s a completely valid vice to give up.” Notice I use the word “vice;” it’s an addiction. If people on this forum claim that negativity is indeed something to be addicted to, which I… sigh… i agree, then, dammit, its a vice. Its a drug. It’s the the thing to rely on when you don’t want to take the responsibility or have the courage to try and atleast freaking change yourself. It’s alot more easier to say that you can’t do it that there’s too much in the world than to actually face the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, to which I agree and to which I also empathize and, dare I say, sympathize (?). But I’d rather go out like an OG trying to make it to the top than to actually sit here and rot.
Now, to those of you sitting there reading this and have read my posts in the past, thinking, “Oh, wow this guy has discovered it. He’s changed! He’s become a new man” and are probably preparing to give me a standing ovation with applause and cheers, I have yo say this: “SHUT THE FCK UP AND SIT THE FCK BACK DOWN!” This isn’t Hollywood, the land of predators and hypocrites, nor is this a TED Talks. This is just a post by The Hollow Man.
Yes, I may changed my perspective in life, which is good.
HOWEVER,
This still does not mean I’m entitled to applause, praise, or any form of positive feedback. Because honestly, any one, ANY-FREAKING-ONE, can change their mentality with the right way of thinking.
(Jesus, I sound like a cheesy, cliche, and weak motivational speaker. Someone get me my Glock and shoot me)
I digress, I’ve just been trying to change my way of thinking to smile more and to find something to do in my life, to make myself a strongee, better, and active person.
For those of you who are still applauding with that standing ovation, I swear to God if you don’t sit back down and calm yourself, I’ll shoot you myself.
(Seriously, if you’re REALLY thinking that I’m actually going to do that you are taking this post way too seriously, which means you have no sense of dark humor which means you have no sense of humor at all, which means you have my condolensces. Get a sense of humor and grow up.)
Now, the reason why Im saying all this is because of this. I don’t want any form of appraisal until I ACTUALLY completed something and earned something, which I haven’t. I haven’t completed a book, I haven’t gotten a gf, I haven’t gotten a six pack (yet), I haven’t become an actor (yet), and there’s so much to do. There’s no need for appraisal when nothing is done. I haven’t earned it and I’m not entitled to it. To which, I have to say it honesty: it makes me angry with motivation.
Now that I have explained this in the post, there’s something else that I wanted to share that really troubles me. It happened two days ago and it still troubles me today. I’m serious, this event makes me question myself, my motives, my ethics, my principles, my strengths, my weaknesses, everything. And it’s a wierd, just wierd story and it may be long, so get some popcorn or something. Oh, and I’m going to change names to protect identities and even the names of places.
Tuesday evening, I was finishing up my shift at a gym. I was doing the usual, handing out towels, greeting members and all the good stuff. This one girl, let’s call her, Giovanna, walks in asking for directions. I tell her shes in a certain spot and she told me that’s she’s supposed to be somewhere else, two cities over. She over shot her mark.In fact, she told me she’s originally from Los Angeles and somehow ended up where I work at. How the hell she ended up where I work at was beyond me. She told me that she had to see a doctor or something with the address she was given (I checked my phone to where it was, which is how I learned she overshot her desitnation). I asked her how is it that she ended up where i was and she said she was using public transportation and her cellphone died, which was just swell.
She asked if she could use the phone to make a call and we allowed her to. I finished my shift, got my stuff, informed the crew if she needed help to help her, she hung up the phone and said to me that she needs to get to that address and she may call a friend to pick her up. I don’t know what came into my mode into my mode of thinking that made me offer her a ride, but I did. I didn’t want to because I had to complete a an 8 hour online WSI course back at home, but i did. I even explained that to her but I told her not worry about it.
So we were off to the destination. And we tried to keep a conversation, which even seemed difficult for me because Giovanna seemed to shift subjects at times. She went from talking about jobs, to having some certain faiths in Christianity and Judaism, then talking about school, and then to talking about past exes that we dated. It was just stranged, because when I tried to engage, i could not get a point across to her. Then she went on talking about how she was hurt in the past, playing sports, yoga, and how eventaully she needed to get mental assitance… I don’t know why, I just felt worried and uneasy.
We were approaching the destination and entering the neighborhood and then I realized something. Everything looked shady. This neighborhood barely had any streets lights and had some people in black walking down the streets; I had my defensive mode turned on meanwhile Giovanna is going on about her mother and how she has residence in LA and is living in this odd spot. I began to wonder if she’s aware of the situation we were in. We found this one house that had a lot window which actually was the house. I parked and told her this was it. And she appreciated it. Then of all things, she asked for my number. I said “No” respectfully and I’m going to be brutally honest: i’m not into fat chicks. She asked me if i could walk her to the door to whcih i did and strangely, when she should be been leading me in, I led her. I knocked and an old man answered and I explained I was dropping her off. She talked to him and we were asked to come in. By this time I wanted to go home but she had me stay. I entered and was where’d out by the place. I noticed that there was another old man in the living room with no furniture. Just a TV and two beds. It looked like a place where people that are recovering from drugs or poverty and are trying to make their way to the top. He was explaining she was being kicked out or something or how there wasn’t a mattress for her upstairs or something like that. She acknowled, thanked him, andwalked back outside with me. I told her that i had to go and wanted me to walk her to the back. To which i did but stopped when I was half way in and said that I had to go. She understood and thanked me profusely and went on and on saying my parents should be proud of me, that I should be proud of myself, and that God bless me and hopefully God will reward me a thousand times over and over.
I thanked her took, my leave, and drove home. As I did I reviewed everything that I took place wand began to wonder… did I do this deed out of goodness, or did it out of weakness? Did I do this because I’m a good person or because I’m weak? Why did I do it? And why the hell was it an awkward encounter. And if it was a chick, why couldn’t she atleast be attractive or something? I just kept thinking about those RPG games that I’m playing where you stumble on a wierd quest and to be rewarded with an interesting prize. But in the end, I got nothing. And here’s the fcked up thing about it. I was kind of… disturbed that I didn’t get anything. And here’s the more fcked up thing about it: I was aware that I shouldn’t be expecting something but at the same time I was. I began to wonder is something wrong with me? Was I right in doing this? Why did I do it in the first place? And why the hell do I always end up helping the most wierdest people in the most weirdest situations with nothing to show for? The thought really troubled me as went home.
So yeah, that’s my story, read it comment, and ill be sure to reply to you. I know it’s alot, but I thank you for taking the time on looking over it. I would like to hear everyone’s interpretation or opinion or whatever on it. Because it still troubles me today. Thank you.
Wow. I’m kinda appalled no one responded or read.
Glad to see you’re doing better. About the story, you’d have to ask yourself that. Were your intentions at first to be a good person or were you pressured? Now if you were pressured that doesn’t mean you’re weak… Just means you need to assert yourself next time, lesson learned. Lol but anyways it’s not bad what you did. You should feel good about it regardless because at the end of the day you helped her out a ton, and attractiveness has nothing to do with it. Charity is charity and that is a huge thing in the sight of God. God bless.
No, I wasn’t pressured. I even chose and voluntarily told her. The question is why. Why did I do it? Seriously, even I’m struggling as to understand why I did it. She wasn’t attractive, she didn’t pay me money, and yes, at the end of the day, I did help out someone less fortunate than me and I should feel proud of myself, right? That’s common logic. But if that’s the case, then why the hell do I feel so troubled?
Hmm… From my point of view looks like you’re being too selfish. You don’t need anything in return. Or atleast you shouldn’t… That’s probably why you feel unsure as to why you did it… You expected something back, but when you just do it out of selflessness you already got your reward 
Hahaha. Your post was pushed way down by other posts.
Here’s my two cents. You’re trying to add meaning to it too much. You helped the person, thats it, period. no other meaning. I might have done it too but i will not make up the story that there must be something wrong with me because I helped her.
If you think you were “forced” into doing it because you are weak, question is, what does it remind you of? Something similar in the past must have happened. Go back to the very first instance and resolve that what happened was not because you are weak, but because of something else. You see, you have a strong mindset, a made-up movie in your mind entitled “Hollow-man is weak”. In this movie are all your experiences in the past that supports the idea that you are weak. But actually, in each of these experiences, you were adding the meaning “I am weak” yourself everytime. Give you an example. I was ridiculed as gay when i was young. My made up movie is “I must be gay”. So when a guy does not like me, i’d add the meaning “it’s because he thinks I’m gay”, when it could just have simply meant we dont have rapport. If i look at another guy’s eyes for too long and he looks away, I’d think “he thinks i’m gay”, when it could just have meant he just wants to look away and nothing else. When a girl i like becomes too comfortable with me, i add the meaning “it’s because she feels im her kind and thinks that i’m gay”, when it could have meant she likes me a lot and would probably want to date me! Do you see where this is going? My point is, the meaning that we add to what happened is not equal to the truth/reality. It’s just a lens by which we see the world. If my eyeglass lens is blue, everything is bluish, when in reality some of it is white or green or red.
I was in same position 2 days ago when I relapsed. I couldn’t take it any longer . It was awful the depression killed me . Even I tried to tell my self it will go away I couldn’t my mind was so uncomfortable and I felt that if I didnt fap I wI’ll kill me . So I gave up not cause I was a looser but the anxiety and depression were too much to handle I mean how in the world am gona do it for rest of my life . I think our brains already programed on that shit and it’s impossible to reverse it back atleast without a medical or marrige I think . We are just wasting time . I had by the way a 2 month streak before 2 years and I noticed my depression was still the same . So I don’t know what to tell you exactly maybe we have depression problems not related to the fap thing that’s why we fails every time . . God help us
Man, I going to say the truth for you. (not irony nor sarcasm here)
It is because of you that I am here on this forum now.
No, really, I had just installed this app again just to count the days and I noticied this new forum thing.
And when I just browsing and seeing some posts, yours catched my attention. “I do not believe how negative a person could be, or at least they try to be”, I was thinking when I was reading your posts.
And then I ended signing up on this forum just to reply/motivate you, but at the end I was being motivated here.
And so I was chuckling when I read that last post of yours. I think I said this before, but you really need to write a book like this! You are a good writer! 
Like, I almost could see you talking on live!
Yeah, I know. I kept telling myself that too. I’m completely aware of that. And to be honest I feel ashamed. I think another reason why I felt troubled is because… well… I listen to Jordan Peterson lectures and he talked about kind deeds and virtues. He mentioned about just because you’re virtuous doesn’t make you a moral person. It makes you weak or something like that. I don’t know. It worries me that unconsciously, I’m troubled when I do a good deed. I mean think about it. Does that mean I’m unconsciously selfish, unethical, or what have you? This seriously troubles me.
Yeah, I’m well aware of that too. I’m Concious about my perspective and honestly I feel kind of ashamed of that too. I feel like I’m thinking way too into it, when I shouldnt. I just feel worried and I don’t know and I can’t shake the feeling.
First off, I’m very sorry to hear that and secondly you have my condolenscenes. But it want an emotional thing I had. It felt more like an ethical and productive thing. Like, was it worth to help this woman? Was it worth my time? Did I do the right thing or was I just being weak? And here’s the thing, I voltunarily and clesrly said it with confidence that I would drive her. I don’t know. I don’t know myself. This happened two days after I relapsed. So idk if theres a connection.
It’s just wierd that I run into these wierd people and get nothing out it. And call me evil, but it just bothers me that it was a eoman who asked for my number when I was attracted to her. Seriously, I sometimes ask and question God (when I’m aware that I shouldn’t) why he sends me these weirdos for me to help out? Why can’t they just be hot chicks or rich people or something? What is the plan in all this!?
Ok, I feel guilty saying all that now.
Oh my god. Stop please. Lulz. You flatter me.
In all seriousness aside, I’m just writing because everyone says to keep tabs on a journal and this is the only proper thing that I can do it on because my house is literally a construction ruin. I have no desk, no physical journal, and all utensils are in disarray. Bro, I can’t even write my stories. And yes, I am a writer but I’m a poor writer. And before you ask, yes, that is my inner critic. And I find it wierd and interesting that people such as yourself find this struggle of mine interesting and inspiring and motivating when originally I wanted to use this for help.
So yeah. Thanks.
I have been reading your diary for a while now. And there are two things that I noticed
- You lack passion for life
- You are more result oriented than process oriented.
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I shall explain you in details now :
• You complained or atleast not happy sleeping in a room which is a kitchen as u have described , while there are people who don’t have a roof over their head and sleep under bridges or in streets corners.
• You said your daily routine is average going to ur job, workout , sometimes gaming , sleeping , getting angry at yourself while there are people in Syria and Iraq where they go to their job to feed themselves or their family sacred ,with a simple hope to stay alive and get back home to have a good dinner with them.
• Do you know the difference between you and those unfortunate children’s who have cancer , they know that they are going to die after few months/years yet they want to live . The difference is that you still have a CHANCE to live , chance to improve , chance to grow while they don’t have any.
I have seen people worse than you and they only wish to get a life like you !
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Talking about result oriented ,you run 8 miles on a beach so that you can have better six packs, a good looking body and a sex appeal that will drive hot chicks into you - GOOD !
But I would like to ask you how many years have you been running like that constantly. I have seen people on internet who are very fat and after few years they are like God of sex appeal. They didn’t get their by complaining everyday and running for like one year then giving up. They got there with proper diet , commitment and of course regular workouts.
You said you don’t feel motivated to work on something , exactly how will you feel motivated unless you produce some results and how will you produce some results unless you are motivated??motivation is bullshit , motivation doesn’t lead you anywhere , it just gives you a tiny spark. Strong habits , commitment , discipline are the one thats gonna take you to the next level.
You are a writer and write pathetic , good ! Atleast you are writing something. Wanna write something professional then you have to learn it from professionals. You wanna write a novel , you can find tons of websites and videos on how to write a novel for begginer writer .
You always failed at everything that you first try ?
Good , learn from it .
Do you know Colonel Sanders ? He failed 1009 times before selling his first chicken , now how many times have you failed till now my friend? Colonel Sanders is my idol , he spent 60 years of his life trying to find a good job, a family which never worked out ,his wife left him , he was rejected by the army , he did some disgusting jobs just to keep his stomach filled the only thing he knew was, how to cook. Then around the age of 60 he found his success and now he has a multi billionaire company , Oo and bdw he is the founder of KFC. I bet u already know his story!
Suggestions:
• you wanna hang out with hot girls then that’s your only motivation for now. Find a way to make that happen.
• Stop expecting great things unless you work on it.
• Read books on self development or any book that you are looking for to improve any of your skills, I bet there are books waiting for you.
• I suggest you to watch fat loss transformation videos on YouTube.
• start saving and take a break from your life go on a trip to South Africa meet those children who are always happy to meet some strangers and to play with them even if they don’t know your language. Or you can go to monks ,they have great wisdom about life , I bet they can change your life .
• do something exciting even if it isn’t about you .
That’s all I have got for you now my friend.
I think I finally got something I could say to maybe help you (just my 2 cents, like they say):
The reboot is not going make us a better person.
The reboot is going make us a normal person.
We have to improve after that by ourselves.
But maybe, we can learn something of this experience. Or maybe not. But we will be able to choose what path we will go, not the PMO.
PS: Btw you are doing great! If there is a struggle, there is a way. Keep going! 
Great story I was really into it, visualising and everything 
You are great writter
Just a thought, I think you attract people similar to you, the girl you met has wounds and hurt just like you.
She gave you something, a message to take care of your emotions, to integrate all your suffering.
She is a mirror to your emotional situation that needs to be accepted.
Keep sharing things here
Thank you, i found this very helpful and slightly hurtful. Nevertheless, iys eye opening and believe me, ivr brrn making changes. Again, thank you my friend.