HollowMan91 - My "Journey" Thus Far (Warning: May Be A Venting Blog)

I hate it. I want to die and I cant. I want to get with a woman yet no one is attracted to me, I want to have a good looking body and start exercising but still look fat and unnattractive, I keep waiting for the construction thus far, but still live in a construction yard, which may as well be ruins, and it’s Day 6 of this futile “Journey.” And I have three words for it so far:

I hate it.

I just hate it. I want to feel some sort of happiness and I can’t. I want to feel intimacy with a feminine partner and I can’t, and even if I feel like wanting to end my life, I can’t so that either. I hate myself, I hate this journey, I hate this world, I just can’t think of any other verb in my diction besides hate. I can’t feel any other feeling except depression. And I can’t see any change except for a deeper fall. I feel like there’ll be no change, no catharsis, no nothing. Just a never ending crucible that just never ends. And I’m all alone in this.

So if you are reading this and you are currently judging, go on ahead. Feel free to point and laugh at the loser that I am. Feel free to mock me, to call me eunuch or some miserable bastard that can’t even talk or get with a girl. Call me whatever the thing that’s lower than sh*t. I’m already alone, depressed, angry, and lost. Another negative comment or two won’t matter much. If the nothing can take away pain, then I may as well embrace it since that’s all this world has in store for me.

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Go for 90 day hard mode Reboot. Things will sure change after that. My promise.

Thanks for the toxic comment. I don’t care if they come one or two or 6 or 10 or however many days. Name me one person who’d want change after 100 trillion days. No one. We all want change. So go ahead and judge just for wanting fast results. I’m sure you’re a paradigm of this life changing community.

And lastly, there’s no different story to write 21 days as you claim, because I’m always cursed to remain the same no matter what. So go on ahead and laugh at others misfortunes just so you feel better about yourself.

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Man, I don’t know what you want to accomplish with comments like that. I read them a few times in this forum now, and for few people they seem to have some “trueish” or “mocking” vibe that helps them “wake up and get their asses moving”, but calling someone an idiot just because he expresses his feelings is just idiotic itself. Had to say that at least once. Especially since you always act all high and mighty and witty, but then seem to fail as much as every other guy here (which I don’t judge you for. Just saying).
Maybe some people disagree with me, please open another post or anything, don’t want to spam this diary.

As for @HollowMan91 : glad you decided to open up a diary. Who knows, it might help, and maybe it doesn’t. I’ll read whatever may come in the next days!

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Truth is bitter. Take my words in a positive way. At the end i am only in your favour.
I have not any right to scold you. So i am sorry for my comment.
Hollow man you will become a full man. It will take some time. Just believe. Change is sure to come.

Thanks for enlighten me.
I would not give any free advise now on. Someone has truly said,“dont give anyone advise unless asked for.”

I’m still not feeling better about myself. I still feel lonely, depressed, and I find myself crying to sleep every night. Even doing workouts and gaming doesn’t have thay sort of appeal anymore. Still haven’t found a girl to talk to and still don’t feel normal. Fck, in fact everyone thinks I’m wierd. I don’t even know how to talk normally to person. Maybe that’s the reason why I’m a loser and a failure. I can’t even establish proper social standards in order to talk to people. And I’m going to say it, regardless of how long I’ve stopped masturbating, I feel like nothing will change I don’t know how toe happy any more, I don’t know how to think positively, and even if I DO act all cheerful during my jobs greeting customers and all, it’s all just a performance. While I just stand there and greet everyone with a smile, I’m just angry and sad on the inside. I cannot even talk to my coworkers either since they all think I’m so wierd. I wonder why the hell am I doing any of this. It’s not like I’m going to change or anything. It’s not like I’m going to get 1 million dollars at the end of it all. It’s not like I’m going to be a chick magnet. So why the fck am I doing this? The answer is really simple: because I’m stupid. Because I’m an idiot. Because I truly believe that this going to make me a better person, and possibly an alpha male and it’s going to be done when I do NoFap long enough. I sincerely feel like I’m just fooling myself.
I doubt anything will change and I doubt anything will get any better. Until I actually see AND feel that there’s some positive change in my life, I cannot and will not believe it. I know you’re all thinking that I’m just being negative, but for f*ck sakes, how can you feel any positivity when you don’t have the things that you want and constantly failing at everything in a life. When you have no goals to accomplish and when you feel defeated after you fail on your first try on anything? I just cannot believe any of this positivity as long as theirs so many negative results. And I get that it’s all in the hrad, but how does one program him/herself to be an optimistic idiot without thinking any sort of negativity. I just don’t understand. And I probably never will. And that’s probably why I will always fail and why no one will every understand me. No one will ever acknowledge me. And no one will ever be with me…

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Hollowman, how do you know things will not change? Have you been to the futur?

One thing is for sure if you don’t try nothing will change.
Sometime ago I was very negative about a lot of thing, in fact I wasn’t breathing well and during those times my mind tried to pick every subject in my Life and destroy it, push me down just like you it seems.

My advice keep the nofap journey, do new activities start new hobbies, and consult a professional who can help you!

I consult a professional specialised in breathing therapy, the goal Breath into your emotion and negative thoughts, and integrate your trauma and so on…
I feel way better and negative thoughts/bad mood have greatly diminished

And one more thing, positivity and happinness come first and then rest follow, not the other way around.
Meaning, relax,Breath, focus, be happy now and things will come.
Wanting something to make you feel happy is an addict mind set.

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Day 25 and still no change. Nothing. It’s come to the point that even when I was close the PMO, porn had lost it’s interest in me. Yet I still feel like a failure because nothing has changed. I just got back from the gym and finished Week 3 Day 3 of my Men’s Health New Year Six-Pack Guide and yet I still feel unfulfilled. I still can’t talk to women, I can’t connect with anyone, and everyone I try to talk to only still feels like an alienating experience. And with “everyone,” I mean women. I’m seriously convinced that there’s something wrong with me. That there’s a problem within me that I’m unfixable. Even after 25 days of this bloody journey, I still hate myself and think I’m still a failure. Every night I seem to cry myself to sleep and every morning drag myself to bed only to go to a job that I have zero interest, put up that smiling facade just to make another dollar. I don’t have the time for myself for crrativity. And every time I do, I’m going to be honest, I become so lethargic that I talk myself out of doing anything. I’m stressed because I’m trying to keep things in schedule, I try to remember things to be prepared for the future, and sometimes I feel like I’m reliving yesterday. I’m convinced that the artist inside me is dead and that my curse remains to haunt me. And I feel all alone and feel like I cannot make some sort of connection with anyone. Not even in here, in this NoFap Companion.

Why the fck do I think negatively? Why the fck can’t I think positively. What is my major fcking malfunction!? Or just drives me crazy when people think that I have a choice in being positive or negative when I certainly don’t know how to do it! It’s beyond my fcking control! I don’t know how to be chill or calm! don’t know how to talk to people! I don’t even know how to make witty comments to atleast have some form of personality! It’s no fcking wonder why I named myself HollowMan91. I’m no man. I’m no one. How can I be anything or anyone when I try to strive for it. I try to stay fcking positive for a while, but then some bullsht comes in knock me off. And I’m back to square fcking one!!! And they expect me to still be happy!? HOW!? HOW THE F*CK DOES ONE DO THAT!!!

I swear sometimes I feel like I wish I can just fight myself. Literally just somehow split myself into two and beat the living sht of myself. Then probably stab it, drown it, burn it, drop a fcking boulder on it, shoot it with an Remington 870, and then just laugh as I kill myself… slowly. And to you who comes here and makes judgement out of me because of these gruesome details, news flash, you’re not too far from how I feel. Everyone has felt that sort of self-hating darkness within themselves. Everyone. And if you have the gall to actually say you haven’t then you’re one of two things: 1. A f*cking liar or 2. A nobody that hasn’t lived life hard enough to experience it. Everyone has it.

I digress: that’s how much i hate myself. If I can’t kill myself, I may as well torture myself. What good am I if I can’t remain positive? What good am I if I can’t change? What good am I if I can’t grow, evolve, and learn? I’m just like the walking dead; hence HollowMan91.

I know you’re all tired of hearing me. I know you are all tired of my existence. And I know you’re all tired of this diary entry. So without further ado, I suppose I shall end this wretched entry. No one is going to care anyway. What good is a HollowPerson in the eyes of anyone? So by all means, feel free to point any laugh and mock me. No one cares about the hollow man. And no one will.

You need to be less in your mind and more in your body.
You are thinking too much and trying to find a solution with your mind, but you cannot and never will.
Stop trying positive thinking, try to feel your emotions and relax about the result for some it takes a long time because porn isn’t the only issues.
I highly suggest you consulting a professional (Transformational breathing)
The next time you want to beat yourself in this diary try instead to feel your whole body.

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In the beginning I really did start to hate your comments. I thought that you are just here to mock our struggle.

But now it just hurts to see you struggle through a fucking hard time and feelings from my own time when I used to beat myself every night so that I was able to fall asleep.

I can’t give you any advise but I will read every single post you write. I don’t judge you since I don’t know your back ground. I just see were you are and hope that you believe me when I say that I honestly read your comments.

Could you ask you some personal questions? Of course you don’t have to answer them
How does your every day life look like? Do you have some daily routines? What are your habits? Do you have a hobby (besides going to the gym)? What do you do for a living?

And if you could wish, how would you like to be able to answer these questions? (How do you want your life to be)

Well, I wouldn’t know how to do that. And I probably never will. And I cannot consult a professional because I don’t have comodity to waste on one. And even if I did, what good would it be? It’s not like they have a magic wand and suddenly, poor, everything is just fine. I’m the only one who can fix it. I’m aware of it, I know it, and I do not know how to. I’m just cursed to be that way. And I don’t know how to feel positive. The only things I feel is pain, isolation, and disconection. And you’re right. Porn isn’t the issue. If anything, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. That’s why I don’t think it’ll take a long time, but forever for me to feel any sort of catharsis or relief or respite, etc. And like I said, I really wouldn’t know how to feel my body anymore. The only way I do that is just to simply hurt myself, since that’s the only thing I feel

I’m not here to mock anyone, apart from myself. I’m just convinced that this struggle is meaningless because I feel I will not gain anything out of it. This is not pertaining to you or anyone in the community, however. And please, feel free to judge me as much as you want. Everyone else in the world does it, so why shouldn’t you? And I appreciate you wanting to read my comments, but you really don’t have to.

And yes, I’ll ANSWER your questions. My everyday life is routine and boring. If you want details, it’s something like this. I work at a gym, at am office, and I’m in the service. I sometimes wake up at 3 in the morning to open up or just sleep a little longer to go to the office, depending on how wild and sporadic the schedule will be. When I go to the gym, I see all sorts of people at the front desk and greet them and hand them towels. Actually, I meet alot of women there, but still can’t talk to them since it’s a business enviornment. And even if I did, I wouldn’t get far due to my lacking of confidence. The office job pays well but it’s in the back, away from everyone. I’m always constantly alone listening to podcasts or watching people do sht that I’d rather be doing. Sometimes it drives me crazy and brings me to a fit of bitterness and rage and then depression. The weekends nothing happen. Our house is under construction since we’re adding a second floor to it and I cannot even rest properly in it. I don’t Even have my own private quarters for fck sake. I sleep in the ***damn kitchen, which also happens to be my living room, computer room, and bathroom. That’s pretty much it.

Do I have daily routines? Yes. Boring ones. They repeat every single day and the novelty has been dead for a long time now.

For my habits, I just wake up, work, get angry, depressed, etc. Workout, eat sleep. Just rinse and repeat.

Hobby: I used to be a writer, but I honestly think my writing is sht and pathetic. If anything, I think I’m just a wannabe. Not once, have I gotten a work published and I want atleast one done this year. Futile, am I right? I also happen to love videogames as well, but as you can see, I’m always busy all the time and sometimes I get so depressed, I lack the wanting to play them. The same way I lack the want to write. Also, to be honest, I kind of have a hate for them because I feel like they are the reasons why I’m such a shut-in, outcast, misfit, disconnected fover, etc. Because I have spent most of my childhood and teenage years on them. I never really socialized or did anything out of my comfort zone because I was such a coward to try anything new. Hm. It’s funny because I feel like not much has changed. Because of that, I tried to kill habits on games and tried working more, socializing more, working out more, approaching women (which I happen to be a poor excuse of a ladies man), and all that. And even when I’m committed it seems that I fail at all those too with no results or very few changes.

You already know my living. How would I answer these questions or how would I want my life to be? Here’s the thing: I wouldn’t know. I seriously wouldn’t know. The problem is that even if I did have the omnipotent power to change my life, (Hell, anyone’s life) I wouldn’t know how to do it. Because the changes would be so ridiculous that it would sound like it was poorly written out of a fantasy or something like that. I wouldn’t know how to change it because I’m going to be f*cking honest, I wouldn’t know what’s better or worse for me. Do you understand the convolutions and odd juxtapositions that occur within our daily lives? It would take an omnipotent deity to truly understand exactly what exactly is going on and how to order everything to make everyone happy, which feels extremely imppssible. Which is why I don’t know how to answer that question. But to put it succinctly, I would know how to answer that because I cannot give you a realistic answer.

You are thinking way too much, happinness is very simple, and you make it into something complexe and difficult to get.
You are just addicted to feeling bad! I challenge you to stop complaining for two weeks, maybe things will naturaly change. And please stop overthinking everything.
The only thing that stop from being happy is because you are too much in your head, the mind is a problem solver, you are trying to solve a problem all day long, it’s only natural that you’re whole Life is difficult.
So now try at least for two weeks: no complaining. Every times a thoughts complaining pop up come back to your breathing or something else.
This only could really improve your Life.

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It really does surprise me.
I expected one of two options:
either that you are jobless. Sitting the whole day at home, watching TV not doing anything else. or being homeless for about 10 years. Living on the streets with no option to get away or get a better life.

I mean, you have a job where you have to talk to/meet people.
I once had a job where I also had to answer the phone maybe two or three times during the day. I often ignored it because I was scared talking to someone.
And you’re writing! Dude, who cares if you are good or not? You are writing what YOU like! There is no right or wrong.

It really sounds that the addiction to feel bad isn’t that wrong. I mean your life doesn’t sound like utter crap. Sure there is a lot of potential for improvement but it could also be worse I guess.

For me, finding a girlfriend was always frustrating until I gave up trying. Only after I stopped trying, I met my current girlfriend. That’s why I don’t like walking around and searching the girl which could be my girlfriend. They never say YES. I started to just talk randomly to everyone in my local climbing gym, male and female and just wanted to know as many people as possible. Independent whether they liked me or not. They needn’t be my best friend. I just wanted to by able to walk through the climbing gym and know everyone.

And, there is nothing worse than a life without a goal. It is not possible to be happy if you have nothing to strive for! Live is fucking pathetic if you don’t give it a meaning. I mean, what is life? I wake up, leave home in the dark, work the whole day, come back when it is dark again, I eat, I go to bed and repeat.
You need to get a reason behind this whole thing. And the order is not:
bad life -> how can I change it -> I can’t so I keep it
its: bad life -> how do I wanna have it -> how can I reach this -> write down your final goal and cut it into small steps which you can take.

I have unreachable goals too. My goal for life is that I wanna help people. I had so many people helping me to get to the point where I am now and I’m so thankful for that, that I would like to do that too.
Therefor I wanna be a professor. I wanna be able to share my motivation to science and all my knowledge with other people to influence them in a positiv direction. I wanna have a shit ton of money that I can help the people who don’t have the money to reach their goals.

Will I reach my end goal? probably not. But I can reach smaller steps between my “now” and my “dream”. As soon as I have some spare time I will engage in social work to get a foot into this. I write here to the forum even though I don’t know if the people like what I write or not (similar to your writing) but I feel like it is helping me reaching my final goal.
That is what makes life worth living. Not how it currently is. You will never ever be 100% happy with what you have. The thing that makes me happy is each time I feel that I did something that brought me closer to my final goal. And this could be even small things like talking with a homeless person, giving them some help and so on.

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I don’t know how to respond to this. I don’t know how to not think anything. I don’t know how to get out of my head. And I don’t know how to be strong.

Well it’s a shame not everyone has the same energy as you. I dream of greatness, yet here I am working at a front desk passing towels. And yes, you’re damn right, things could be a whole lot worse, but Dammit, they can be a whole lot better. The only thing is I don’t know how to be better. I’m just cursed to repeat things in a ridiculous cyclical nature

That’s not something I just have. It’s something I worked my ass of to get. But it takes a lot of energy to get there. Which is the problem if you don’t have energy to start with. I had to force myself to get the energy to start to change my life

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I have to force myself to go to the gym to try and workout. Yet I see no changd. Like I said, I’m cursed to repeat the same things

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