Fragend's NoFap Journey

6/30/2021

Day 1

The more I open up Habitica, the more likely I achieve my goals that I set. That’s what I’m seeing. I also find that when I have goals, I fap less as well because my mind is in the Flow State more often.

I should also be looking at something distant more often. I haven’t been doing that a lot and I really need to.

From reading on Habitica, PIED (which is where you can’t relapse unless you view P) is bad. The reason why is because it makes you more dependent on P. I thought it was good because I mostly relapse without P. I’m not sure if this is progress but more than 60% (rough estimate) of my relapses within the past month have resulted with no P. Regardless, my streaks aren’t all that high. I still think this is better than when I started because I used to view P and relapse at the same frequency I am now.

As for relapses, I’m finding that most relapses happen early in the morning. Usually, before I wake up too. It’s also easy to get them in the afternoon as well. Later at night, it’s a bit more difficult but still. Although, during these times, I find it easier to fight urges.

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TL;DR

  1. The more I open Habitica, the more goals I accomplish and the less I relapse.
  2. PIED is bad because it makes you dependent on P. I used to think this was good because needing P would make it harder for you to relapse.
  3. More than 60% (estimate) of my recent relapses within the past month have resulted in no P. However, my relapses are very frequent and close to where I was before NF.
  4. Most relapses happen early in the morning. It’s also easy to get them in the afternoon and at night as well. However, I have an easier time fighting them off.
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7/8/2021

Day 1

Haven’t posted to Rewire in a while. I can somewhat explain that. Mostly [redacted] and all that.

If there’s something I’ve noticed, it’s that those “transitional moments” are when my mind is at its weakest. What’s a transitional moment you ask? Simply put, that place in time where you transition from one task to another. For instance, when you finish exercising, you can feel tired. Often, I end up looking at a screen and what comes to mind? PMO. That’s what. Most if not all of my relapses have resulted in these so called transitional moments from what I’ve found. They are my weakest points.

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TL;DR

  1. Haven’t posted to Rewire in a bit. I can somewhat explain that (though I won’t).
  2. Transitional moments are when I’m weakest.
  3. Looking at screens during these transitional moments is one of the worst things I can do.
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What’s that TL DR could you elaborate

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@Creative_user It simply stands for Too Long; Didn’t Read.

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7/9/2021

Day 0

I have no idea what it is that’s making me relapse so often. I think it might be because I had entered one of those stages where I was relapsing a lot more often after a huge streak and now I’m on a bit of a downward spiral. I can see it affecting many things in my life right now. I heavily dislike this a lot.

The reason why I relapsed was because of a transitional moment. I had an urge when I was meditating and ended up looking up P in the morning. Unfortunately, that led to a relapse quickly because I was trying to find this one P star (whose name I’ve forgotten). I don’t remember what her name was and to be honest, that’s better for me in the long run.

My best streak thus far has been 3 days. That’s still somewhat of a step in the right direction considering the entire past month, I couldn’t get past 2 days for the most part.

The next time I tell myself that I should peek, I should look at this image:

I definitely do feel like my consistent relapses are mostly drive in part because of boredom. However, from what I hear, P causes boredom.

That presents a chicken and egg problem. I am bored but I use it to watch P. Because I am watching P, I relapse and don’t get anything done. This makes me bored. Then, it makes me want to watch P and relapse.

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7/10/2021

Day 0

This is a post from yesterday. I forgot to put it here yesterday.

I definitely think it’s because I have nothing to do.

I keep relapsing because there’s nothing to do. This creates boredom and of course it makes me want to peek. I don’t know why video games aren’t helping as much as they used to. However, it seems like the less I work, the more likely I’ll relapse.

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7/13/2021

Day 0

So I relapsed 2 times within the past day. The first was last night without P and this time was with P. I’m finding it very difficult to get my mind off of P especially when I keep relapsing so often. It’s almost as if my brain knows there’s a guaranteed reward now even if if does make me feel like crap afterwards.

Every time I relapse, I tend to get more moodier throughout the day. So, that means each and every relapse means a potentially bad day for me. And considering that it happens every few days now, that’s not a good thing.

I think my biggest problem is that when these thoughts arise, it’s hard to distract myself from them. No matter what it is I’m doing, they can oftentimes overpower a lot of my thinking and cause me to go on autopilot. Then, it all goes downhill from there as that’s what leads to peeking.

I also find that I need to have things to do consistently. So, that means keeping Habitica open no matter what.

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TL;DR

  1. Relapsed 2 times. Once with P, the 2nd without.
  2. It’s hard to get my mind off of PMO once my mind is on it. Plus, it’s hard to distract myself from these thoughts
  3. All relapses lead to a day that’s usually worse.
  4. I must keep Habitica open so that I can at least be doing something and not thinking about PMO.
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I am following your dairy each day…
Make quick initiative working plans each time and try to quit this stuff ASAP… If plan A fails follow plan B like that… But the ultimate goal of each plan is to make sure to help you quit from pmo…
This is my strategy, I use plans each and every time… If I fail no matter I make better… Hope you will come out of this loop and make a good streak…

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7/16/2021

Day 0

Just relapsed. I really can’t believe it. The funny thing is that I had a few hours in advance because my urges were slowly building up. Unfortunately, they caught me at the wrong time and now I’ve relapsed.

In all seriousness however, for a relatively brief moment I had considered getting up for the first time. It was brief however. But, it is still a step in the right direction. Especially after all of these relapses.

Basically another relapse.

Anyhow, I haven’t been posting to Rewire most of this week. Just like last time, relatively busy in fact. I reached 3 days which actually isn’t much of an improvement. If I had managed to get past this day, my streaks would be much higher.

Also, for next week, I definitely know I may not be posting for the first half of the week.

Believe it or not, if I had not relapsed today, my streaks would have actually gone past the regular old 2 or 3 days. Of course, I knew that there was something that was going to screw with me.

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TL;DR

  1. Relapsed 2 times today. Not impressive to say the least.
  2. For a brief moment, I had considered getting up and doing something else. Of course, it didn’t happen.
  3. My relative infrequent posting is largely because I actually have a lot of things to do.
  4. Will not be posting to Rewire early next week (again because of these other things I’m doing).
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7/22/2021

Day 0

Relapsed at around midnight last night. Mostly because I couldn’t sleep. I hate this because I had a 5 day streak!!

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I feel like it’s because my mind was on [redacted].

It was also during a very vulnerable moment as well. Because of this, things spiraled out of control. Eventually I gave in. And of course, I didn’t think about getting up and doing something that would keep my mind busier. I did get up and read but it wasn’t enough.

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TL;DR

  1. Relapsed last night. After having a 5 day streak (the highest I’ve seen in a long time)
  2. I feel that I couldn’t sleep last night because my mind was on something else.
  3. I didn’t think about doing anything else. Instead, my primary focus was on sleeping.
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7/27/2021

Day 0

Forgot to write on Friday and Monday.

Anyhow, relapsed again. I am finding that the cause of these relapses is mostly due to the fact that I have no backup plan to act upon when urges arise. Once an urge comes up, I almost always immediately crumble. The first urge always causes me to relapse now. And since I don’t do anything to stop it, I peek, and then I relapse.

It feels so disempowering to keep consistently relapsing like this. One problem that I have is that the inside of my house is really hot. Typically, my house is ~30°C (usually 27°) inside and it rarely ever gets below 25°C at all.

TL;DR

  1. Relapsed again. I feel that the cause of these relapses may be due to a lack of a backup plan when I get urges.
  2. It’s very hot outside and inside. This causes me to get uncomfy and makes me more likely to think of PMO.

7/30/2021

Day 1

I think one of the main reasons I couldn’t sleep last night is that for some reason, I was naked in bed. I had the pillow in front of my [redacted]. Not a huge fan of that. Coming this close to PMO is not a good sign especially if it means I’m losing sleep over it. When I woke up, I considered taking the iPad upstairs, watching P and relapsing. But I fought that urge and I’m glad I did. Instead, I decided to practice something else and that bided my time quite well.

Despite the fact that I am sometimes busy, it’s not helping with NF. It seems that I need some sort of system (like school) that would help me with maintaining consistency. I nearly relapsed this morning but I’m so glad that I resisted it.

TL;DR

  1. Nearly relapsed this morning. Lost a lot of sleep over it. However, I at least did something more worthwhile.
  2. Being somewhat busy isn’t helping with NF. I need a system that forces me to maintain consistency.
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