Old Thread: Jurnerridich's NoFap Journey
The reason I’m starting this new thread is because I lost access to my old account. I lost access because after doing a clean install of Windows, none of my files were saved. Luckily, I had my passwords stored on the cloud. But, the last time I backed it up was a month ago.
Hopefully, this new thread will last longer than the last!
Very embarrassing that the day I make my Rewire account, I relapse. I was doing pretty well this weekend despite having some troubles. I’m pretty stressed mostly because I lost all my files when I clean-installed Windows. Now, the reason why I was trying to do this was because I forgot the admin account password on my previous installation. Of course, the supposed “tech guru” side got to me and said that I could do this (even though clearly I’m not good with any OS at all). Clearly, being overconfident didn’t work out in the end.
Something to note is that I was procrastinating a bit when making this Rewire account. I clean-installed my OS on Saturday. Right now, things are somewhat back to normal, but not fully.
For whatever reason, one of my teachers thought it would be a good idea to shove a PowerPoint presentation just before the year closed out. Can you imagine? I really hate this teacher a lot because we’ve practically passed your class already. The exam was really all we had to study for. I wish they were like my other teacher where we just watch movies for the rest of the year.
Anyways, I think I relapsed because I had a lot of privacy. I was home alone and since no one else was there to watch me, I watched P. Then, I relapsed after dinner. I’m finding that my weakest point is in the afternoon. I’m burnt out at this point of the day because of school. Even on weekends, I find that my most productive hours are from 7 to 11am. Then, things go downhill before picking back up after around 6pm.
I’ve been trying to think of different ways to prevent another relapse like yesterday’s, but I almost never have enough training to cope with me being at home alone. In general, it’s rare for this to ever occur, and if it ever does happen, my mind views it more as an opportunity rather than as a danger. I think I’ll try to play videogames when I’m home alone, though I’m not sure how much that will help.
I’ve also been looking into different backup services, but after trying one today, I can say that I’m not pleased whatsoever. I mean, 60GB! My computer can barely even hold 256GB. So, I decided to abandon that idea. Sure, I could back it to the cloud, but is there any free service out there that will allow a file this large? I might just be looking in the wrong places but I can’t seem to find any that will fit my needs.
I finished the presentation today. Thankfully, we could pre-record it. I was not about to show everyone how loud my house is all day. I also liked pre-recording because I don’t have to deal with the embarrassment of presenting in front of a live audience. I will admit that I have terrible public speaking skills, and that’s just part of being an introvert.
Though, I see many extraverts who are terrible at public speaking as well. I’m not sure why this is. Don’t these people love to talk? Don’t they love to be the center of attention? It doesn’t make sense to me whatsoever.
I’ve started working on a new programming project. I employed some sort of principle (whose name I forgot). It’s basically where you work for 25 minutes and then take a 5 minute break. Then you work for another 25 minutes, and the cycle continues. I implemented that this afternoon, and it has worked wonders for me. I ended up working on that project for about 2 hours, outside of school hours of course. This is good news because I eventually plan on working the entire afternoon on something that is at least enjoyable. It will help me strengthen my weakest link and lead to less relapses in the future. The question of course, is will it last through the summer?
The reason I ask this question is because summer is where I tend to slack off. I’ll try my best to ensure that I at least work on some project for 30 minutes a day. That would total to about 3.5 hours a week, which over a summer would be about 30 to 35 hours. Hopefully, it works out.
I’ve also found this one filter list for uBlock Origin which blocks porn sites. It’s not a foolproof plan, but it’s one additional layer that I can add to prevent future relapses. There’s one with 46k lines and one for ~200,000 lines. However, it takes little effort to get around. But, it’s somewhat helpful to have.
Today is day 1 of my exams. Though, I really only have to study for 1 out of the 7 that I was supposed to be doing. The reason is because of exemptions and because some teachers just said “screw it” and released the exam early. I could have made it easier on myself if I had taken the time to exempt the right courses, but it’s still not that bad.
Because I have no school, I have basically done nothing. Sure, I programmed for an hour (in an inefficient way), but that still dwarfs in comparison to the 2 hours I’ve already spent on YouTube today. I don’t have the motivation right now to do work. And, I think that might directly related to going onto YouTube early. I can’t bring myself to do any work, because there is no work to do. At least, work that is required. Sure, there’s a lot I could be doing, but I just feel like doing nothing.
I did watch a YouTube video by Glink about isolation and online schooling (at least, something along those lines). I’m not going to lie, his videos are having a profound impact on my opinions regarding isolation. It’s true that it’s safe and I have control when I’m isolated, but at the same time, it’s fueling a lot of problems that I don’t have control over. Some areas include loneliness, porn addiction, xenophobia (at least towards new experiences), among other issues that I probably can’t name right now.
The safest option regarding isolation is to stay the way that I am right now. Continue to stay at home and use online mediums and things will be safe. I have a bubble after all, and no one can exactly pierce it if I stay far enough away. However, if I open up, that bubble would burst. I have no idea what could lie beyond this bubble, so it makes more sense for me to stay inside, oblivious to what could happen outside of it. I’m aware of the benefits of stepping out of it, but I’m also more aware of the drawbacks to such a move.
I think that isolation is somewhat of a novel problem for some during the pandemic. For me, it’s never been a new thing. However, I realize that online learning may have created tomorrow’s loners. I’m not sure how much I like that since we kinda were heading in the wrong direction when it comes to interaction. But, I think things have definitely sped up because of online schooling and mandatory masks.
There’s a big project that I’m working on. It’s not related to tech, but I do need an internet connection and a computer to work on it. It’s an area that I somewhat enjoy and I hope that it will be a stepping stone towards something much bigger.
Skip to Recap if you don’t have time.
The best way to manage your self-control is by avoiding a situation where you might relapse. People that have the most self-control generally have little need to use them and therefore, have a lot left over. Willpower is a limited resource and while you can increase it, it’s finite.
One way to prevent willpower from being depleted is to have a system for everything. Organizing your desk or bedroom is a great way to reduce stress and prevent your brain from using up willpower. By organizing your areas, you spend less time and willpower having to maintain them. You can also try to set up habits that put your brain in auto-pilot.
Something that is very common for people to do is to aim for a huge and quick transformation. “I want to lose 10 pounds in 1 week” is a terrible choice. Why? Well oftentimes, people will end up gaining that weight back after they’ve lost it. This is because once they’ve lost that weight, they don’t bother with maintaining that new weight. The same thing applies to NF. Don’t expect yourself to get to 90 days on your first try. It almost never happens. Instead, you should be making goals that you know are achievable. For instance, instead of going for full abstinence when you watch it 5 times a day, go for small changes. Reducing it down to 4 may not be much, but it’s progress. It also reserves your willpower for other things like building habits.
Now, the most ineffective way to fight an addiction is to fight the urges. A better way would be to avoid fighting these urges. Anytime you get an urge, don’t sit on a porn site and hope that you won’t relapse. Instead, have a plan. If you get an urge, perhaps do something else more productive such as drinking water or cleaning your room.
This book also talks about positive procrastination. If you get an urge (or any distraction), tell yourself to do it later rather than never. This is because procrastinators typically avoid a task by doing something else. It’s rare for someone to sit there and do nothing at all. By doing something else, you magically forget the thing you were trying to do.
This ties into another strategy known as the “Nothing Alternative.” Basically, if you should be focusing on one thing, only focus on that one thing. Alternatively, just use this saying: if I can’t do x, I will do nothing. This builds on the positive procrastination because your brain hates doing nothing. By telling yourself you have nothing else better to do, you make it easier for you to do that one thing.
Precommitment is also another great strategy. Basically, avoid situations where you know you might relapse. It’s easy to say that you will never relapse again, after you’ve just relapsed. But, can you really resist your temptation when you go back on that site? More than likely not.
Keeping track is also great. You can make a diary where you document urges and all that. Or, you can have companions where you all keep track of each other’s streaks. Additionally, it can also provide a buffer when you realize you’ve made a lot of progress. In other words, a relapse will seem less discouraging when you realize your streaks have gone up over time (if they’ve gone up over time).
Rewarding often allows your brain to realize that NF is worth continuing. If you resist an urge, treat yourself. It doesn’t need to be much. But, it just needs to be enough to tell your brain that relapsing is a bad idea. Big rewards are great as well, but only once in a while. Moreover, don’t beat yourself up over a relapse. Treat it more as a learning opportunity. Something else to keep in mind, is that your reward needs to be relevant.
These strategies are nice and all, but what’s the point? Well, the point is to highlight that willpower is better spent going on the offensive rather than the defensive. Don’t use it resist urges. You will fail. Especially without any of these strategies.
Willpower is finite. Don’t waste it on fighting urges. Invest it in areas that will give you more willpower (like sleep and diet), or in areas that will require less (such as organization and automatic processes aka habits).
Don’t aim for big goals that aren’t achievable. They will leave you more discouraged and with less willpower. Instead, make goals that you know you can achieve and set up clear rewards. Even the smallest victories count in the long run!
Positive procrastination and the Nothing Alternative go hand in hand. If you get an urge (or any distraction) tell yourself to do it later. Additionally, force yourself to do nothing outside of the work that you are supposed to be doing.
Precommitment is where you avoid situations that might make you relapse. Some examples of precommitment would be blocking porn sites or having a plan if you do get an urge.
Keeping track of your progress makes you realize how far you’ve come. It can also make relapses less discouraging when you take a look at the progress that’s been made.
Rewarding yourself often also makes it easier to continue NF. It makes your mind realize that there are some positives to continuing that streak you have.
All in all, use willpower as an offensive weapon, not a defensive one. In other words, don’t use it to fight urges. Instead, use it to make it easier to fight urges. In the end, you will use less willpower and can use it in other areas that might benefit you.
That was my best try at summarizing the book. I don’t think it’s that great, but it works good enough as a future reference for me.
(morning)
I went roller-skating yesterday and it sure was fun. Of course, I never really skate fast, even when I have the capability to. I don’t know why I do this, it probably is a confidence issue. I am capable of skating at a faster pace than what I did, and yet I don’t. I believe the reason why is because I don’t want to face embarrassment when I fall or make another person fall. I used to love going fast, but now? Not so much.
I definitely want to learn how to jam skate though. It looks fun, and it doesn’t require you to be that fast. That being said, most people who jam skate, skate faster than what I’m comfortable with. It generally looks like this.
I’ve noticed that I haven’t been checking in on the weekends whatsoever. I need to apply more pressure, but my weekends always feel like “bleh.” I don’t feel like doing anything productive, and I don’t even open Habitica. I do sometimes write on the weekends, but I just don’t have the motivation to post it on Rewire. I need to at least do something productive in the morning so that I can concentrate for the rest of the day.
My parents also have told me that we’re getting the vaccine sometime on Thursday. Luckily, this place doesn’t require an appointment, though I suspect the lines will be very long. School is close to ending and vaccines will make sure that I don’t get COVID-19. Of course, with short term side-effects. I’m not anti-vax, but there certainly are lots of cases where people have gotten sick.
Interestingly, this weekend I had no urges. I think it mostly has to do with me playing videogames and doing something rather than nothing. Contrast this with the weekdays, where all I have is YouTube. Instead of YouTube, I could just try learning how to jam skate. I think that would be a better goal than what I’m currently trying to do.
I also need to return the books to the school library.
Returned the books to the school library. I also got a “receipt” (it’s just a printed copy saying that I don’t have any books due).
Just finished reading this book called Willpower by Baumeister and Tierney. Read it here.
Relapsed this morning. Without porn thankfully. However, I realize now that the mornings are very vulnerable if I’m not careful. This is because I’m waking up a lot earlier than I should be. Then, I stay in bed and my mind wanders. And of course, when it wanders, it thinks about PMO. And when that happens, things can spiral out of control. I now am requiring myself to do something when I wake up. I also just made it a habit on Habitica.
Yesterday, I wrote a bit too much. This is probably why I didn’t feel like posting it to Habitica and putting in a TL;DR. I think I wrote about 3000 words yesterday. I’m going to enforce a limit of 750 words from now on. However, if there are days where I feel emotionally overwhelmed, I can raise it to 1250 words.
Overall, today’s been a pretty good day. I also got new skates as well. They won’t arrive for another week or 2. My old ones were getting a bit small so I had to get new ones. My brother will get the smaller skates and I will get the newer ones. Plus, they’re speed skates! Which means I can go fast in them! Of course, knowing me, it might not happen? I definitely don’t want to waste the opportunity though. I do like skating fast after all. At least, when I’m not in front of other people.
Got my 1st vaccine today! Pretty good, but my left arm is still somewhat sore. If you’re wondering, I got the Pfizer vaccine. The line wasn’t long luckily, and the shot didn’t hurt.
Anyways, we might go on vacation soon! It’s not been confirmed yet, but I hope we can go there! Anyways, this relates to NF because I almost never relapse while on vacation.
I’m finding that it’s getting harder to get many of the things that I normally do in school done. Most of my habits and such mostly worked when school was in session. Now that it’s over, I’m having a lot of trouble disciplining myself. A lot of ordinary habits that I would have done at school are falling apart right now. I don’t know what I could be doing to increase discipline, but it’s just so difficult. Especially when I know my time on the laptop is limited.
Sometimes, games are really boring to me. I don’t know why. I used to think that it was all I needed and if anything, was better than interacting with other people. Now, a lot of the games that I used to play are getting somewhat boring. Some are really grindy and I don’t like grinding for something that has no real benefit in my actual life. The problem is I don’t really know what else to do other than games. Sure, I could spend more time on personal projects, but it’s very difficult to do them and stay disciplined.
I also saw this girl at the rink. I think her name is [redacted]? I’ve seen her at [redacted] and I kinda think she’s cute. Yeah, I can’t believe I just admitted that. Of course, she is way out of my league. I’m some nobody who is ugly, a loser, a person with social anxiety (sometimes), low self-confidence, basically anything that should send a clear signal that I’m really far down the social status totem. Honestly, I shouldn’t be obsessing over girls. I would say it’s bad for NoFap and it’s bad to fantasize. Especially when I have no chance at all with getting with these types of people.
The reason why I have no chance to even get a girlfriend is because I can’t even have friends. It’s due to my distrust with others and the fact that my head keeps telling me that it’s better to stay in my lane and just play videogames all day. I can definitely say that I agree with it, but it isn’t helping possibly one of the biggest problems in my life.
Loneliness. That’s the biggest problem in my life. Though, to be honest, my head does try to reassure me by saying that people are often willing to profit off of you instead of help. It also tries to tell me that I already have everything that I need on the inside. There’s no need to chase these worldly desires. All wants are fleeting, and so are people. So why bother with it? Just learn to live with it and I upgrade to a new status, contented solitude.
Honestly, here’s some quotes to justify this:
“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.”
-May Sarton
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
-Blaise Pascal
“Solitude is un-American.”
-Erica Jong
“The great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have had crushes on girls in the past. But, I’ve been used in all scenarios. Why let this be another round that I lose? Just avoid the fight. You are guaranteed to win. Additionally, a lot of other guys seem to be interested in her, so there’s no point in trying to compete when I have no way to stick out and dominate the competition. Stick to games, they’re safer.