Fragend's NoFap Journey

[Fragend]

TL;DR

1. I saw this girl who I thought was cute. I have seen her around, but to be quite honest, I know for a fact that I am way out of her league.
2. Only reason I say that is because I have low self-confidence and I'm not an interesting person. Moreover, it's difficult for me to even have friends.
3. Loneliness, while it is my biggest problem that I deal with, is easier dealt with by ignoring it and escaping into the digital realm. Plus, people come and go, so there's no point in going after them in the first place.
4. Not even sure why I need to be arguing with myself over this. It's clearly obvious I've had problems with girls in the past. Why let this become another loss? Take the safe path.

[Fragend]

6/14/2021

Day 2

I've been thinking about making this poem. It just came to my head this morning. Literature has never been my strong suit though so it's probably bad anyways. Regardless, I'll try to get it done.

I will admit that the poem somewhat reminds me of my need to be safe. Moreover, my defensiveness with others. In general, I can talk to people to communicate things that I need or want. With some difficulty of course. That said, I find the debate more enticing.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yesterday, but I’m trying to learn to write with my left hand. the only reason why is because it’s the only thing I can think of to do in the morning. Besides, my left hand is basically my dominant hand for everything except for activities that require critical thinking, and writing.

[Fragend]

TL;DR

1. Making a poem. I'm not good at poetry so it'll probably be bad anyways.
2. Learning to write with my left hand in the morning to fight off urges.

[debellator]

Beautifully done. You’re doing great, reflection is great and hinsight also. Now just keep at it and cross a good number of days.

Keep going,
Sarcastic Phoenix

[Fragend]

@Ash_Matt Thanks! I tend to have a hard time getting past 10 days. But I will try to keep pushing.

[Fragend]

6/15/2021

Day 3

There's also the sense of being alone in this game. As if there's no other life out there but you. The music also helps add to this vibe as well. The background as well. Sure, it's just space, but it makes me feel like I'm in space, even if this all on [redacted]. Just looking at the background makes me feel small and miniscule, like everything that I'm experiencing in life is nothing but a tiny piece of a grain of sand in the vast ocean. And that's if I even matter enough to be on that tiny piece of sand particle! I'm getting philosophical and stuff, but that's what this game makes me feel like. It makes me feel as if I don't matter at all, in a very good way!

We all live and die. Our lifetimes are so small that it would barely feel like anything to the Universe. It’s a hard concept to put into language, but it just feels like I’m nothing, like I have no purpose, that there is nothing that I have to do. In a sense, I’m free; I may not have control, but I sure as heck know that that doesn’t matter either. Astronomy really is a good subject.

My dad gets mad very easily. I hate him a lot for it honestly. I think the fact that he yells often has made me less of risk-taker. If I fail at something in some way, even the tiniest infraction, expect huge backlash.

I’ve always tried to escape this by playing games because you generally have nothing to lose when playing them. Even then, I play games that revolve around a lack of competition or are games where you can make virtual money (i.e. idle games). Now of course, all of the games that I play and enjoy also tend to have little to no human interaction at all. Even if they have large online communities, I just avoid them if I can. I think I do this because a lot of online communities are toxic.

It’s almost the exact same thing with social media. The only exception being that I only use social media where I can express myself without compromising too much personal information.

Not going to lie though, escapism is great. I find it to be my savior whenever I encounter difficulty. Sure, it’s not the best way to live life. After all, a digital badge isn’t going to mean much compared to things in the real world. But, it’s hard to live without. Even as I type this, I can’t seem to resist going over to YouTube.

Overall, I can definitely say no urges today. Pretty nice especially when I keep forgetting to shower in the afternoon.

[Fragend]

TL;DR

1. There's this game about space and it makes me feel unimportant, but in a good way.
2. Escapism is great; not the best way to live life of course.
3. I tend not to interact too much online, just like real life. Only difference is toxicity.

[debellator]

Escapism may seem like the best bet at the time, but it might not be the best option in the long run. Just saying this out of concern

[Fragend]

6/17/2021

Day 0

(morning)

So, I basically relapsed last night. I think this was partially due to peeking 3 times yesterday. I probably spent a few hours in bed trying to M. I probably lost about 2 or 3 hours of sleep because of this. I’m expecting myself to continue to keep relapsing a lot more often in the future. It’s incredibly rare for me to get past 5 days now, whereas in the past it would’ve been easier.

Right now, in fact, I have a bit of an urge. Mostly to peek and nothing else. But, I know if I peek, I’m just feeding it more and more food. As it turns out, peeking is pretty much a warning signal that I may relapse within 3 days. That’s generally what it has been for me.

I guess the reason why I relapsed last night was because I didn’t do anything to prevent these urges. At night, I’m usually too tired to get up, but I’m also conscious enough to recognize that there are urges. So, I sit in a weird purgatory state that continues until I relapsed. I hate this a lot especially after joining this challenge that knocks you out as soon as you relapse.

Speaking of this challenge, it does make me feel a bit better seeing that others also struggle with getting past 10 days. Usually, I end up comparing myself with others that are doing incredibly well without realizing that it takes a lot of effort to get where they are. Comparing myself to others is not a good idea because it discourages me from even trying to improve.

This is the exact same thing that happens to me in skating as well. The people that get the most attention are those that are either going fast or doing moves that are incredibly difficult to pull off. It probably took them months to learn that so I should stop comparing myself to people of these levels.

(afternoon)
So I relapsed again. This time it had to do with me downloading the Tor browser. Although I downloaded with good intentions (mostly relating to privacy), it ended bypassing the DNS I had already set in place. I will try to uninstall later so that it doesn’t happen again. I still can’t believe that I didn’t think about that when I first downloaded it.

Seeing that my past few relapses are partially due to human negligence, I definitely need to consider other hobbies that don’t require an internet connection. Of course, while the coronavirus technically is ramping down in most developed countries, that doesn’t mean it’s still safe. Additionally, I don’t get my 2nd dose until the 1st of July. Meaning, the earliest I can even go out safely is on the 15th of July. That is still more than a month away.

On a more positive note, I think I spent a total of 3 hours doing something this morning. I would consider it more as time spent on hobbies, but it is way more than normal.

[Fragend]

TL;DR

1. Relapsed twice today. The first was at night (no P). The second was with P and in the morning.
2. Both relapses happened after peeking.
3. For whatever reason, I keep comparing myself to people that are doing way better than me. It is very discouraging to me and I should stop doing it.
4. Need to find hobbies that don't require internet connection.
5. While I did relapse in the morning, at least I spent more time than usual on hobbies.

[Fragend]

Found a new way to write my diary entries. Most of the syntax can be found on Markdown’s documentation. I’m not sure if RewireCompanion supports any of this but I will paste a couple of things in Markdown that work here.

Blockquote

Inner Blockquote

• Inner Blockquote + unordered list

from random import randint
print("This is basic Python")
print("Random #:", randint(0, 10))
# Yes this code actually works

• Item 1
• Item 2
• Item 3

First Term
: This is the definition of the first term.

Definition
: A statement of the meaning of a word, phrase, or term, as in a dictionary entry.
: A statement or description of the fundamental character or scope of something.

Not everything seems to work on here, though I’m sure the HTML will fare much better.

As for left-handed writing, I’m working on the letter C right now. A is pretty easy to write now. Meanwhile, the letter B is a bit iffy.

I will also create a table updating progress on it. Though, it might not be on Rewire because it has nothing to do with NF.

Letter	Progress
A	V
B	S
C	N
D	N/A
E	N/A
F	N/A
G	N/A
H	N/A
I	N/A
J	N/A
K	N/A
L	N/A
M	N/A
O	N/A
P	N/A
Q	N/A
R	N/A
S	N/A
T	N/A
U	N/A
V	N/A
W	N/A
X	N/A
Y	N/A
Z	N/A

E = Excellent
V = Very Good
S = Satisfactory
N = Needs Improvement
U = Unsatisfactory
N/A = Not Available

Of course, I peeked a bit today. Luckily, no MO, just P. Again, this started from disabling my DNS on mobile. I may find the iPad to be a bit more problematic in the future in regards to NF.

Also, doing chores today (like every other day) ended up in somewhat of a feud. I will admit, my family and I are usually unable to cooperate with each other very well mostly because we tend to get loud very quickly. However, my dad usually ends up blaming both me and my brother and ends up using hurtful statements that often belittle my ability to do work (despite a lack of experience).

Found this post by @debellator about how loneliness fuels fapping. It’s here. It accurately describes me and my addiction.

[Fragend]

TL;DR

1. Found a new way to write my diary entries. Most of the syntax can be found Markdown's documentation.
2. I made a table to track progress with writing on my left hand.
3. Peeked again. No relapse.
4. Doing chores with my family usually leads to feuds pretty quickly. I don't apprepciate this.

[debellator]

Yeah I think the HTML format is supported here as in most web platforms.

[Fragend]

6/24/2021

Day 1

I also am concerned about the amount of information I've disclosed on Rewire. The amount I've given is enough for someone close to me to identify who is writing these posts. I will now only make Rewire purely for NF. That is to say, only things about urges and other things I might do to prevent urges. I apologize to those in advance, but that is what I would prefer to do. I don't want people that I know to know about this thread and what could be going on inside my head.

Hopefully, you will respect my decision to do this. I dislike the idea could use this against me in the future.

I also realized that I haven’t posted to Rewire within the past week. Probably due to some adjustments and some recent events.

In terms of NF, I have realized that I am very vulnerable when I am in a transitional period. What I mean by this is events such as waking up. Waking up is transitional because you have to go from your bed to the bathroom. I don’t know how I can fix this other than distracting myself. It’s worked with limited success.

Also, no urges today.

[Fragend]

TL;DR

1. I have decided to reveal less personal information on Rewire. The amount I have given already is enough for people that I know to identify who is writing this.
2. Haven't posted to Rewire in a while due to some recent events.
3. I am most vulnerable in transitional events such as waking up. I'm not sure what I can do to fight this other than distraction.
4. No urges today.

[Fragend]

6/25/2021

Day 1

So, I did relapse yesterday. One thing I’ve noticed is that I usually don’t think about porn all that often. But, whenever I get an urge, my mind just can’t get its mind off of it. It’s weird because whenever an urge hits, it’s hard to fight back. Additionally, it’s so easy to bypass my current systems in place. Especially now that Brave’s new search engine has come out. It only makes it easier and easier to look at P. Over time, I’ve noticed that my blockers are becoming less and less effective.

Now, I will admit, I shouldn’t be relying on software fully. But, it does help a little bit in a somewhat preventative way. Personally, I know I should be going out more, but very recently, it’s been raining a lot lately. This makes it hard for me to go out and do normal outside activities.

[Fragend]

TL;DR

1. I relapsed yesterday.
2. I notice that I don’t think about porn all that often. Yet, when I get an urge, it’s hard to get it out of my mind.
3. I have tried using software to block porn and it’s becoming less and less effective.
4. I need to go out more often. Of course, it’s been raining a lot lately and I can’t really go outside.

[Fragend]

6/28/2021

Day 2

Anyhoo, I had an urge today, thought it didn’t lead to any peeking.

After reading past diary entries, I’ve noticed that I’ve been relapsing a lot more recently. I think the reason is that I don’t have things to work on and thus, is causing me to relapse more often.

[Fragend]

6/29/2021

Day 0

Almost peeked by using Brave’s search engine. Luckily, it seems as if disabling SafeSearch does not show me any P, at least with my configuration. In addition, it seems like I can’t reach adult content on Reddit without getting their app. That solves a lot of problems on mobile for me.

My relapse this morning was largely because I woke up a lot earlier than I normally do. I also think it’s reducing my sleep thus reducing willpower. I’m not sure how to prevent myself from waking up early because I’m naturally a morning person.

[Fragend]

TL;DR

1. Relapsed this morning. I woke up very early today and it’s reducing my sleep. I don’t know how to wake up later because I tend to be a morning person.
2. Almost peeked using Brave’s search engine and Reddit. Luckily, neither work anymore as bypasses.