It’s just 1 week that I’m away…really I thought it was month already.
I’m starting again. Life is a whirlwind right now. I’m still figuring a lot of things. I uninstall this app but I guess that is a bad move. I really want to give up. I’m losing hope but when I reinstalled and read the diaries and messages from my friends here, I’ve feel there is hope even its just a little hope. Everyone is fighting and doing their best and even its so hard, even if they feel like giving up.
those kind and encouraging words can be a glimpse of light in a very dark times. Thank you very much my friends.
So I’ll try again, i need to try again.
@dori I’m glad you came back. Some Rewire people can see their lives getting better sooner rather than later. If it takes longer to see progress don’t give up completely. I believe in you.
I’d like to think I am one of many people who would like to see you continuing to share your life here on Rewire. Don’t worry if some days pass and you don’t write here in your diary.
I think this diary is helpful depending on how much you put into it so keep putting into it. I really am glad you came back.
my sleep pattern became so crazy again. I’m trying to adjust to be a morning person (why? because I can’t do chores and task that requires human interaction). I like the silent of the night you can think and do anything but it’s also so dangerous.
the urges are still so strong since I’ve been watching recently, I’m studying something online and I can easily access those tabs. I can’t believe I’m automatically typing those sites (its like an autopilot mode.) i’m glad I did the blocking yesterday. the page stating it’s not safe to go to that somehow get me back to my senses. still I did try 3x and that block page did save me. It’s not safe. finally my brain recognized the danger and give up. did play some games to calm me down. the desire to watched did lessen but the urges is still there.
I need to establish little good, tedious habits. right now, I can’t even finish small task. doing even the basic hygiene is so hard. I think I’ll be ok later again after I sleep.
I’m starting trying to be less negative. I did download some more apps that I think would help me. did think some goals and plan if things don’t go as I imagine. I’m not putting my hopes to high. I still have doubts if I can but at least I’m doing something.
reach day 3. tiring day. been busy doing errands. still figuring out how to sort my life. as I am resting I suddenly feel sad. I’m wishing that a friend would just say hi and just ask how am I doing. then I started to think that maybe I don’t have any friends maybe they are all just acquaintances and all negative thoughts of why I don’t have friends keep flooding my mind. then a thought why don’t you just watch porn then there I answer my thought maybe that’s why I don’t have any friends and why I don’t accomplished anything.
then there I realize the damage it have over the years, it worsen my low self esteem and just level up all my negativity.
perhaps I’m just feeling so blue with everything that is happening to me. to think that way or maybe it’s true. I don’t.know.anymore.Sometimes I hate emotions all logical reasons are invalid. I really feel like a big failure right now. anyway, perhaps a nap would help- nap and.sleep always do the trick. I wonder how other manage their blue moments.
Anyway, we should always do something in every situation we are in. I’ll try to stop dwelling on that thought and will take a nap.
@dori I think when we have a negative mindset we don’t always catch it right away. We need time to have self awareness in realizing we think negatively for too long.
Don’t worry about who you call your friend. People suddenly show up that are interested in who you are. How are you doing after your nap? Did it help?
Getting stuff done helps move you forward in your day, but your mood and emotions are also important. I hope you can be content in what you do each day.
Don’t think too much. It stops you from doing what you should do.
Positive thinking and go ahead. I think that fapping makes us so negative as no one wants to talk to us.
Your streak is going in the right way. Do chores, smile as much as possible, be excited and optimistic about small things, ask people about everything(they don’t have enough people to share their stories) so they’ll want to spend time with you. For me that’s the way to be someone who people want to have around, want to meet.
We are just one of billions on the Earth. We need to keep working and doing chores.
Yes, you are right. It’s just that it took me so long. Nap did help a lot. I really like sleeping as of now it seems it cures everything.
when I was younger I find it odd when people talks to their self saying " you are great" “you can do this” etc but right now that’s what I’m doing. I still feel weird about it but I think I’ll get used to it soon.
I’ll try this and keep it my mind. (Sometimes I wonder if I’m just too harsh to myself) i have a feeling this will help me improve a lot.
I really took a long sleep yesterday and an additional nap. I feel much better after waking up. so many chores to do . I’m really reluctant to do it today but I also feel so irritated of the mess so i just clean some parts of the house for 2 hours. (that’s my best and longest time if i took longer than that I feel bored or irritated or overwhelm or depress). took some break and do another hour but just half done some area. our house looks like howl’s castle ( I just wish I’ll find him after I clean it ). I really just wanted to clean today but my sibling reminded me of a design that needed today, I totally forgot that one. ( here I go cramming again :)
I did some self reflection earlier, hard to admit that my lifestyle do great impact on my emotions and mindset. so even I don’t want to I’m going to make a schedule of walking next week and adjust my food consumption. no negative feelings thoughts today so I guess that makes my mind more clearer. I’ll keep track. of this slow change lifestyle to see its effect. (right now thinking of doing exercise makes me feel tired, I do hope it’s different on actual)
I wish that there will be no overwhelming challenges that will come but life isn’t like that. I just do hope I’m just strong enough to face it.
while eating my dinner/ breakfasts ( because I just woke up) I suddenly feel sad. maybe because I didn’t attend the workshop that I was invited or the comic event that my college friends are participating. why I didn’t attend? I don’t know. this always happens anyway, I don’t want to think too much anymore of the why’s, I’ll just accept the fact it’s an emotion that I have to deal with like how the season pass. I just need a decent reason if they ask why I’m not able to go.
I need to cheer myself up. I think I’ll just do some chores to transfer this negative energy and maybe try the meditation again. ( I did fail yesterday I got impatient and just stop it after a minute)
no inappropriate thoughts and urges yet. maybe I’ll just skip the social media and the mindless browsing the internet. I’ll just use it in my lesson.
my sleep pattern haven’t much improve. I still need to work out on it.I think my body is so confused of what time of the day it is or rather what time it should be sleeping. Sometimes the bright morning sun confuse me with the question should I be sleeping already or should I start the day?
I’m easily irritated today, no inappropriate thoughts or urges today. I still don’t have that energy that other people saying they benefit from abstaining (I still feel tired or fatigue this whole week, so I guess the effect really depends on the person)but I do have clearer mind and can handle my emotions better. I guess a whole day sleep the other helped.
I would say that it’s not just merely stopping pmo that will make you stop but the activities that you do to make it stop. planning your day is a great factor. as a saying goes if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. my whole week is just semi plan, I just have some goals or task that I needed to be done or more like I just a have deadlines- it’s like only 20% planning but it work. honestly, I don’t like planning but I need guidelines, I need to see important task that need to be done. now that I think about it, those years wasted on pmo is because I don’t have any plans or goals and i can’t handle my emotions very well. hmm…I still doubt if I’ll handle my emotions if I were in the sAme situation back then, but at least now I’m discovering and working on my weak side. (knowing your weaknesses and trying many ways and times figuring out how to overcome it is different from complaining and not doing anything about it). I’m trying to limit my self to a lot of things. (we tend to mindlessly destroying ourselves).
I still feel down, life challenges will always be your friend. I still can’t stop comparing myself to others, I guess my negative side will always be with me (i need to deal this ugly side of me). the year is almost ending and i haven’t even finish a piece for my portfolio. I wonder if my indecisiveness is the reason.
anyway, I need to do something about it. I know I’ll figure it out.
always keep fighting. Sometimes we find the answer in the most unexpected place.
I think you are doing well. You recognize where you can improve and you know what’s going on around you. If you find the right habits you will start to feel better (I never thought I’d enjoy Journaling but it’s nice to reflect on past days).
Do some things that make you feel better. No one will love you more than you can love yourself. We have to pursue happiness in healthy ways (not PMO).
I’ve made an effort to make a few phone calls and I look forward to it. I meet a friend once a week and we have good conversations. I try to exercise every other day. I play a video game on my computer for fun. These little things make my life a little better. Just wanted to give some examples which help me when I feel down or depressed.
I like playing video game. usually, I look forward playing one. But lately I’m not that interested at all But I do still play, it still relaxes my mind. I still haven’t try exercising (i will try it later maybe it will help). It’s nice you are doing phone calls and meeting up your friend. Right now I don’t have the energy to talk to anyone in person…I guess I’m hiding from everyone. (And I don’t expect them to answer my phone call if ever I made one.)
You know the feeling I miss you but the negative energy is stronger so I want to be alone but at the same time I want to hangout with you. It’s really a messed up emotion. I know this need some improvement
But yeah relaxation should be a part of daily routine.
I literally feel a month have pass at this moment. It could be I’m daydreaming or just exhausted for whatever thing it is. as I remember doing pmo will have a side effect of depression- as I evaluate myself, I do have some.symptoms of it . it could be the result of my long term usage. everything I like to do so much is so uninteresting, low self esteem, no energy etc. I’m trying my best to get by. and luckily yesterday I stumbled to anastasia musical on the internet. the soundtrack is so good and so are the cast. listening to it makes me feel so happy and nostalgic. some good childhood memories came back, those times when I know what I want to do in my life versus the reality now (feeling stuck and just goes around in circles ). at the moment my selected favorite songs keeps up my mood, hopefully it will reach to a level to help me effortlessly draw something (it is literally challenging to pick up the pen or pencil and draw at this moment). I suddenly miss watching those Broadways. I would love to watch but my circumstances will not let me. anyway, those songs will accompany for the moment.
I didn’t meet my deadlines today, I somewhat feel disheartened and think that I should just be miserable for the rest of the days but I did my best to convince myself. It’s so hard, it’s like being hopeful but at the same time doubtful. let’s just do our best not that negative thought take over so much.
I just feel normal urges, I want to think them as normal they would always come and go. I just need to know how to handle them.
This is an entry of day 11.
I think I’m too tired and fell asleep and totally forgot it. But I want to share it.
Day 11
just got home from an art workshop. the topic is very basic, perhaps they should put the basic or I just haven’t notice it. (I’m expecting an advance lesson) but I still learn something and the people are nice there. got to meet fellow aspiring artist. I do hope we will meet again and push through to have a booth in a convention. the one who hosted the workshop is a publishing house, and they are looking for an artists. funny we are all wanted to try and someone said “is this a squad goals”. some encourage us to pass requirements this year so we can all be together.
I’m still on & off in my portfolio making.
I should really push myself to finish it. my roller coaster emotion is really hindrance and add to that my recent relapse drives me to miserable state. I really hate myself for wasting so much time on watching porn, I’ve could have a better skill now. Right now, I hate watching porn or anything related to it. (I hope this feeling will be forever)
Well, don’t cry over spilled milk as they say. I better start practicing again and find more ways to how to handle my emotions better. I did download some apps (like meditation, self improvement etc) that would help. I did download 3 and testing each one. hopefully one will work. doing exercise and change diet is still a struggle but I’ll try again.
I still feel regretful of the wasted time. I wonder if this how you feel when you meet the person you could have become,maybe it is but the is worse if it’s too late to change at all.
I hate that feeling,I hate that thought. It’s better to keep trying , be the best we can be right now.
now is the time for a change.
Let us always keep fighting.
yesterday, I just sleep all day.
I hope it’s not my idleness or whatever negative feelings that I have. I feel so tired, maybe because of interaction with people and travel the other day or because of my allergies. anyway, i want think it’s my allergies (hahaha), it maybe the side effect of the medicine or the allergies itself. better see the doctor later.
no urges today. a little negativity but I feel quite happy at the moment, I just hope I won’t suddenly feel sad like the other days. I’m looking forward to watch some vid tutorial that my art friend shares. things like this do really make me happy. (I just hope there will be no one disturbing while watching, I hate distractions in the middle of study).
I just hope this happy feeling will stick around all day. and yeah I’ll do some chores while in the mood. let’s not waste the good energy. (better put some lively bg sound)
It’s still early morning here. I did the dishes, eat breakfast and watch my online lesson.
It’s annoying me that I suddenly feel urges. (no i didn’t encountered any inappropriate images or vid). I hope things will not go downhill. and I thought today will be a good day
even if there are times we don’t want to.
. I’m really reluctant to do it today but I also feel so irritated of the mess so i just clean some parts of the house for 2 hours. (that’s my best and longest time if i took longer than that I feel bored or irritated or overwhelm or depress). took some break and do another hour but just half done some area. our house looks like howl’s castle ( I just wish I’ll find him after I clean it 
). I really just wanted to clean today but my sibling reminded me of a design that needed today, I totally forgot that one. ( here I go cramming again :)
calls and I look forward to it. I meet a friend once a week and we have good conversations. I try to exercise every other day. I play a video game on my computer for fun. These little things make my life a little better. Just wanted to give some examples which help me when I feel down or depressed.
