Dane‘s Journey out of Darkness

Sunday 04.04.2021

Day 0

The weather was windy and abit colder then past day’s so chilled more inside.
First I thought my body needs to rest from the relapse and the benefits are lost, but I got up early with good mood and motivation. Feeld abit less energetic but not that crazy as from a full pmo relapse. On pmo i feel atleast 7 days depression and guild + totaly drained.

Anyways iam back on track and try my best to get to the 90 days, made it once to 50 so nothing is impossible I can do it.

Today I don’t visit my gf, she is crazy busy with study for her exam and needs every free Time to learn. I asked her if she is ok with that , she agree it’s no problem , we see us anyway a lot so it won’t hurt to focus on that study first.

Later on I go walking to new place into the woods , wish me luck with the weather :sunny:

Nothing else special happed today that’s it cu :v:t2::notebook_with_decorative_cover:

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DANE! READ IT COMPLETELY

Hi Dane I want to be honest to you now. I never thought I would tell you but now that you have relapsed I am forced to tell you.

Earlier I had a habit of reminding myself what I want in my life just before I dozed off to sleep. Earlier I used to remind myself about my dream job because that’s what I desired. (This method I read in “The power of your subconscious mind”

But after I came to know about your gf and all about how she blocked you and things were not going on good, I just wanted that you shall get along with your gf. So that’s what I thought about just before I dozed off to sleep because that’s what I desire now.

So pls Dane. Don’t relapse now. If not for yourself, atleast think about me.

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Hello brother thank you very much for your care iam glad to have people like you :relieved:

Don’t worry bro I give my best to not relapse anymore, iam now on the healing phase, I feel better then ever within my skin and I know I can do it ! Iam thankfull for everyone who gave or give advice cuz that is like a speed up boost in mindset and overall thinking , we go the way alone , but we are together in this ! All the best for you my brother.

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Monday 05.04.2021

Day 1

Today I made barbecue :poultry_leg: a small Grillparty with Family it was great , nice food and abit Beer :beer:

I had fun but my Mood was not so good , I was abit angry that I lost my streak it sucks to see Day 1 :joy: can’t change it, just moving forward. Otherwise the rest of the day was pretty chill nothing special happend now sleeping. :crescent_moon:

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Monday night 05.04.2021

Day 2

Weather change was crazy today , cold and even snow rain :cloud_with_rain: I stayed home no walking in the woods. Heard some music and played games with friends. Good thing I stoped playing in time for sleeping :sleeping_bed: Disziplin was good , I really wanna fix my sleeping schedule, need to be harder with myself on that !

Wednesday i go to gf, she has free day on Thursday. We want buy the inline skates when they on discount, hope to buy them soon.

Good night :crescent_moon:

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Friday 09.04.2021

Day 5

Got the papers for my rehabilitation today it’s a lot to write and send it back for accepting, gonna work on that tomorrow ASAP and send it back. This night I had no Disziplin Stop Gaming and go to bed early :-1:t2: I almost had it , 2 days I went to bed perfectly and got up early but today well it didn’t worked :man_shrugging:t3:

Physically I feel much better, just started useing Zink and Magnesium supplements cuz sometimes I have pain in my muscles, it’s good now. Mentally i feel smth in the middle , thinking much about my life and what I hopefully can reach , have to find out guess. All I know is that I will Never give up, what doesn’t kill us , makes us stronger that is true fact. One day we get our reward for the hard work and shit we went tru.

Good night :crescent_moon:

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Friday evening 09.04.2021

Day 6

  • stopped Gaming in Time :white_check_mark:

  • early sleeping :sleeping_bed: :white_check_mark:

  • Anxiety level :white_check_mark:

  • healthy Meal :white_check_mark:

  • spend time with Family :white_check_mark:

  • Rehabilitation Papers :x:

  • small Workout :x:

  • Focus for myself :x:

  • Angry management / easy Triggered :x:

  • Continue Garden 🪴 :x:

  • Depression Level High :x:

Catched myself seeking attention and if it’s not going as I planed , I get angry fast , have to work on that point. Hope my motivation goes up soon , I want to Start jogging slowly to increase my stamina and overall fitness, iam tired of being a lazy overweight dude who plays to much computer. I will work my ass of to get out of this Darkness, i can do it :100:% good night :crescent_moon:

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Way to go Dane!
Progress is good. I’ve been reading your story for some time now. I was very intrigued on your story from your gf blocking you, to now being on speaking terms. Little by little, you have comed a long way. May the Lord be with you in all that you do.
Don’t wait for your motivation to “go up.” You can have all the motivation in the world, but there will be no point if you do nothing but wait. I’m glad to see all this progress.

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Sunday 11.04.2021

Day 7

Today was really bad, I think I have some serious personality problems. My Girlfriend cancelt the meetup for today , she was working and after that go to supermarket. So far so good, I mean she basically was to tired to meet up with me.

Now my problem, I sended her the message right after her working is done, and she has always her phone with her, I know that. Then the answer from her come 3 hours later - iam in the supermarket today we can’t meet.

3 hours buy food? 3 hours don’t look on phone? I know that she use her phone everytime and look often on it. Last time she cancelt aswell the meet up, she answered there even later then 4 hours + I called her and she didn’t pick up, telling me later on she was sleeping lol.

Maybe overthink this shit into some nonsense what isn’t the case but Iam highly triggered by Does reactions and my feeling says be careful don’t trust to much. I really hope that there is nothing going on with a other Men or anything into that direction.

Iam honest I was really depressed today have this crap in my mind like a Loop :repeat: .

Firstly I didn’t made the same mistake like before, I did not response angry to her msg, I acted calm and told her iam fine with that ok.
But my inner emotions was cooking.

This simple Triggers still work easy on me no matter if that story is true or just imagination :thought_balloon: that means i don’t have Control over myself jet.

Overthinking so many nonsense things where I don’t get answers anyway, it’s a mess sometimes I hate my brain.

Anyways iam a honest Person and if I feel crap Iam gonna write that down too.
God saves us all :crescent_moon:

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Man read more about shit testing. Most probably she is shit testing you. Sometimes girl do that purposely just to test you. If you are getting angry and sending the text in reaction to that anger then it means you are failing the test.

It is girls way to test you whether you are man enough to have her as a girlfriend.

Or may be it can be something else.

You can read this blog.You will learn a lot. I think you are really naive.

Some of the things won’t make sense so don’t follow it. But you will be able to relate with many things. You can also read his book. Just because some ideas doesn’t resonate with you don’t reject his entire blog or book.

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Gonna check that out thanks, I Hided my anger from her need to learn control

You did the right thing by staying calm. Bro, people can sometimes get caught up with other things and won’t really be interested in talking up immediately , so they often reply late to avoid conversations. Personally, I do that sometimes as well. I don’t even pick calls to avoid conversations too and later tell them that it was on silent mode. Its ok. Be calm. Youre good.

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Hi bro. I will reach day 30 on my birthday 14 April

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Tuesday 13.04.2021

Day 9

Iam not happy how this day ends, I feeld extremely lonely and depressed, my confidence went to zero. Also I think my girlfriend lost the interest on me, Sunday was perfect to meetup from last weekend but she did not msg me the whole day. Also when I send her a msg , it takes long Till she even write back, she never did that before, I feel that she isn’t interested at all. I purposely didn’t asked her on Sunday to meetup just to see if she will ask me first to hang out. No response from her and iam sure she had time so no excuses!

I made big mistakes on this Relationship , iam not the same Person as before that Relationship.

Good thing I totally understand now what I made wrong the whole time, and that is the reason why she treat me like that. I downscaled my selfvalue so much just to be a „nice guy“ that she took over the masculine role in our Relationship.

Also i learned what „shit talking“ means thanks for the Tipp @raushan .

So far so good, still i msg her today and asked - if everything is ok and if not she can tell me?

I admit the msg about asking what’s going on was useless, I may put more gasoline into the fire :fire: by that, but I couldn’t hold back that question :man_shrugging:t3:

Thoughts :thought_balloon:

  • is it possible for me to take over the masculine role again since I messed it up so much?

  • How long will it take for me to stop Overthinking everything so I can finally relax from my thoughts :thought_balloon:.

  • Should I start give a Damn and just looking for myself ? Is that what I seek?

Iam not expecting a big reaction from her about the msg what’s going on. I basically failed the „shit test“ there with my msg. I will react calm no matter what she will say, also I learn so much about being alpha that I will never ever do the same dumb mistakes, I just hope it’s not to late for me to Change her Perspective on me. From now on I will not asked her anymore to hang out, no park walking, no how is your Day? Iam focused on myself again, work on me. If she is the Woman who loves me too, then she will search contact to me , not opposite all the time. I will take my selfvalue back , and if that means I lose her then it is like that :man_shrugging:t3: One thing is clear I don’t wanna play this stupid games anymore iam really tired of it.

Rules for myself

  • Selfvalue
  • Confidence
  • Angry Management
  • Stop the Fucking chasing :stop_sign:
  • Stay to my words
  • bring back the Good times

Last but not least DO SOMETHING!

Long way to go but I finally got a lot answers to my questions, time to change.

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Maybe you should introspect being with her man. Its taking a toll on you

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Hey Dane,
From what I read about your relationship, I can see the struggle. Honestly, I know it’s tough. Even I, when chatting with girls, I notice they don’t pay attention to me and I want to ignore them, but the second they send me a message I’m (what people call simping) lowering my standards.
I will tell you, I was in a toxic online relationship (if you can even call that a relationship). There was this girl, and while she wasn’t the dominant type. I was so “beta” at the time and sharing my desires, I let her just “walk all over me” so to speak. She had broken up with me like 2 times and even cheated on me once. That was just a no brainer. Move on. Yet, I still stayed. Our libido is extremely strong. Sometimes it’s almost as if we are not thinking. When we think what we should do about them, we end up thinking happy moments and perhaps even start thinking arousing thoughts.
It’s really hard to walk away from a relationship and 9/10 times I don’t recommend doing so. But if you have doubts, and really think it’s not going to work. Save yourself the time and pain. If you lost trust or something, don’t wait to leave later. Because you’ll end up regretting all the time you spent. Focus on yourself first. You’re doing NoFap, so it shows (like most men) you struggle with your libido. Which means it’s easy for a girl to just swoop by and use you. Instead, focus on yourself, by either doing the gym or studying hard, etc. As time goes by, you’ll find the right one.

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Tuesday morning 13.04.2021

Day 10

Normally I write before sleep but now it’s needed to don’t fall into the hole :hole:

I was able to connect with my gf about the things i had in mind ( why cancel the meetups everytime )

So I asked her what’s going on? I have the feeling you distance yourself from me for any reason? With abit talk around she finally said , yes your right I want to be alone that’s why I act like so. I managed to be calm in the whole conversation, and it was heartbreaking for me brothers you believe. Long story short I asked her if she loves me still ? The answer was - I don’t know + some turn around things etc. I feeld like she put me on side for later that’s what I can say about it. She started accuse me i want to see some wonders from her etc? That’s not true and does not make any sense at all.

Since last meetup I thought everything is fine but this woman is may more mentally broken then myself, it doesn’t make any sense what she say or accuse me. Anyways this is the sign I needed to finally let her go , the psycho drama ends on this Point. She also treated me again like a little boy - I asked her why you don’t talk to me and just cancel over and over and let me believe everything is cool ? She didn’t had a good answer for that either, my guess it’s cool to play with other human feelings ? Jokes byside we didn’t broke up officially but I don’t see myself anymore into this nonsense , I have to many Problems myself. So now I let her go in a friendly way, i show her that i don’t need her to be happy. Also i dont say anything to her from now on everything is said. Now I can really focus on myself. Iam free.

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Wise words brother, it’s tough man, I invested insane emotional pain into that relationship from the start on. I was always by her side as she moved out from her old marriage etc. it’s pretty clear for me now, that she used me to get out of her old marriage and problems. Now she don’t need me anymore I rised her confidence to the roof over the years, without me she would still stuck in her old life. It’s just sad that this happens what can I say I have nothing to add.

This happens with a lot of guy. I think you need to have a Goal in your life which should be more important than your girlfriend. She shouldn’t be main focus of your life. Your main focus of your life should be your goal.

You have to understand man women wants a man on whom she can rely upon emotionally and other way. If you are itself weak how can she rely upon you? You have to be mentally strong to handle your shit as well as her.

It should be she who should initiate most often these things or at least equal times. Exactly you are devaluing yourself and giving her more value if it is you who always ask to meet.

Understand little bit female nature. Read few books on that. Other Books I recommend::

The way of superior man by David Deida
Hard Times Create Strong Men: Why the World Craves

You have to understand why women get attracted to man. Not just because you have penis. There are some masculine traits like competitiveness, Purpose, Mission all these things.

If you lose these traits She won’t be attracted to you anymore even if she is your wife or long time girlfriend.

I don’t know if you can make things better or not with your current girlfriend. You can do better with next.
But at least stop doing self harm. If she stays with you then fine but if your life is getting bad instead of good then what’s the point of having her as girlfriend. You shouldn’t have her just because you can have sex.

Bro passing shit tests will be easy if you improve yourself. If you are being angry at small things, If you are losing your control on small things then remember it will always do you harm.

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Agree with you in any point brother, it’s the first time I deal with this so i try my best to learn from this! Iam thankful for all the help it is a True eye opening story life lesson.

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